Real Relationships Real Revenue - Video Edition | Invest in Relationships to Build Your Business and Your Career

Mo asks Vanessa Van Edwards: How can people deepen their relationships? Vanessa had a lot of surface relationships in her life but she found some research that completely changed the way she interacts with people. There are three different levels of intimacy in a relationship. The first level is called general traits. At this stage, we are just trying to understand their basic personality traits. Level two is personal concerns. This level involves additional questions revolving around a person’s origin and emotions. The third level is called self-narrative and for many people, they don’t have any relationships at this stage. The self-narrative is the story someone tells themselves about themselves. Unlocking someone’s self-narrative is the most critical part of understanding someone’s motivations and why they act the way they do. If you want to deepen your relationship you have to structure your interactions around these levels of intimacy. If you’re curious about the third level, you have to start by identifying your own self-narrative. Do you see yourself as a martyr or a hero? Unlucky or lucky? A powerful yet risky question to ask if you want to dive deeper into a level 3 relationship is “So what’s your story?” If you’re going to ask it, make sure that you have a good answer yourself. Radical transparency is key. If you want to get to know someone, tell them that’s what you want to do and get them to buy in first.     Mentioned in this Episode: GrowBIGPlaybook.com scienceofpeople.com/pschool scienceofpeople.com/captivate

Mo asks Vanessa Van Edwards: What can people do to create more opportunities and build their book of business? Vanessa was raised on the Golden Rule but that rule actually started getting her in trouble. When she switched over to the Platinum Rule “Treat others as they would like to be treated” the game changed completely. Of the big five personality traits, Openness and Conscientiousness are the two biggest blocks to closing more deals and bonding with clients. When you’re high in Openness you like new ideas and new things. When you’re low in Openness you like things the way they are and prefer habit and routine. The thing to keep in mind in pitching situations, if you use the Golden Rule and you’re high in Openness and speaking to a prospect that is low in Openness, you’re going to completely scare them away. An easy way to figure out what sort of person you’re dealing with, ask them out to lunch. Whether they try something new or prefer their tried and true favorite will give you a hint. The Openness of your prospect should dictate your pitch. For a low Openness person, minimize the change and emphasize what isn’t changing and the proof. Conscientiousness has to do with how someone approaches details. Low Conscientiousness people are more about big ideas whereas high Conscientiousness people feel more secure knowing all the details. Openness is important for pitching, Conscientiousness is for planning. Honoring someone’s personality is one of the deepest ways we can respect our fellow human beings.     Mentioned in this Episode: GrowBIGPlaybook.com scienceofpeople.com/pschool scienceofpeople.com/captivate

Mo asks Vanessa Van Edwards: What’s your big idea on how people can grow their book of business, deepen their relationships, and enhance their career? Vanessa likes to joke that she’s a recovering awkward person. She used to believe that charisma was something you were born with, but the truth is that charisma can be taught. The research indicates that most charismatic people have honed their charisma and learned very specific interpersonal skills that help them create relationships. You don’t have to fake it until you make it to be charismatic. The most practical way to develop your own charisma Highly charismatic ranked off the charts compared to their peers in two very specific traits: warmth and competence. They need to be combined to be effective. Many professionals put too much emphasis on competence, which can actually make you intimidating, cold, or hard to talk to. Warmth alone can make you a pushover and encourage people to take advantage of you. The number thing to consider is where you fall on the balance between warmth and confidence. Over the next few weeks and months, pay attention to where you fall and if you need more of one trait or the other, that is your first step towards becoming more charismatic.     Mentioned in this Episode: GrowBIGPlaybook.com scienceofpeople.com/pschool scienceofpeople.com/captivate

Glen Jackson shares his extensive expertise and experience in relationship building and business development. Learn why doing the unexpected can create outsized results when it comes to your relationships with other people, how to sustainably and genuinely build trust with key clients and prospects, and why relationship building is the exact opposite of networking.   Mo asks Glen Jackson: What is your big idea on how we can grow our book of business and enhance our career? Glen’s big idea is the acronym DTU (Do The Unexpected) which is the exact opposite of an IOU. DTU’s are about motivation instead of obligation and when done sincerely and genuinely can be incredibly powerful in creating relationships. They come in all shapes and sizes. A smaller DTU could be writing a handwritten note to someone you interacted with recently. Everyone wants to feel noteworthy, and writing a note is a great example of how to make that happen. When you refresh others, you refresh yourself. Glen tells the story of how he got caught in the rain and was rescued by a cab driver that went out of his way to help Glen, and how Glen paid the cab driver back. One of the easiest ways to show that you care is listening well. In a conversation with someone, you may discover a topic that you can help them learn more about, and pointing them in the right direction is a simple way to do that. The best way to create influence with individuals is through empathy and showing that you care. Always tie the DTU to something meaningful to the other person because personalization is where the meaning is going to be. Everything you do is a brand ambassador. Everything you do is seen and everything you say is heard by someone.   Mo asks Glen Jackson: What is your best advice for an expert that wants to create and close more opportunities? The most important five-letter word in business is trust. Trust is the glue of life. Trust resides on the inside and that makes it extremely powerful. Trust is a mix of character and competency. Your character is your credibility as a human being and your competency is your reliability as a professional. When you combine both the end result is trust. You can’t force trust. Influence is freely accepted, it’s never forcefully delivered. Trust is a peculiar resource. The more you have it and use it, the more you get. It reduces the time and cost of making decisions. When you use the trust you have and don’t abuse it, it snowballs and accumulates over time. Most experts want to start off by doing all the talking, but knowing when to actually say something is key to building trust in a relationship. You should be listening more than speaking and asking thoughtful questions. Look for points of connection between you and the other person. Glen looks for the moment when he can encapsulate the problem they’ve been talking about during the meeting and then relay it back to them to show that he’s understood what they are trying to solve. From there he offers a possible solution to their problem. As a trusted advisor, a lot of people want to know you understand the problem. Don’t rush into trying to offer a solution before that first step. You should be able to recap the problem with clarity, and then provide ideas for moving forward.   Mo asks Glen Jackson: What is your best advice for experts to deepen their relationships? Relationship building is a commitment to establishing and investing in relationships that genuinely matter to you. Many businesses are great at establishing the relationship but fall short on the investing part. Relationship building is the exact opposite of networking. Networking is a task and relationship building is a commitment. Building relationships is more about transformation than a transaction. We live and work in a relational economy. Be more interested than interesting. Cultivate curiosity in what other people are doing and that will help you invest more deeply in that relationship. Great leaders that are preeminent impress at a distance and impact up close. To show your interest in someone, you have to be intentional and disciplined about it. There are four types of relationship builders and each type has a different mindset. You can be an Investor, Connector, Personalizer, or Observer. Play to your strengths and invest in the way the other person would also appreciate it.   Mo asks Glen Jackson: How can we stay on top of relationship building when so much is vying for our attention every day? Have a fresh ice mindset. Glen tells the story of the owner of Home Depot who wanted to discover the secret behind the success of his best performing store. Treating every day as if you had just opened your doors is the mindset you need to succeed in business and relationships. Remind yourself what your values are as an organization and live them out every day. You can’t be perfect but you can aim high. Just like external client-facing relationships, you have to invest in the relationships within the team as well. Just calling someone who would be delighted in hearing from you can make a massive cumulative impact over time. Your voice is something that can’t be replicated by a text or an email.   Mo shares his insights from the habits of Glen Jackson. Do the unexpected. Many business developers find themselves in a sea of sameness. From a positioning and marketing standpoint, everything tends to blend in and look the same. If you’re in that situation the more power you have as an individual human and the more important you are in the decision-making process. The good news about being in an industry that is commoditized is that you are the brand and the differentiator. You are the number one thing that separates you from the competition. You can interact with clients and prospects differently in ways that they aren’t expecting. There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. The more commoditized the industry is, the more that human interaction matters. Trust is vital to relationships and it’s one of the few resources in the world where the more you have and use it, the more you gain. If you’re in a meeting and all you are doing is focusing on building trust it takes the pressure off, speeds up the decision making process, and you are more likely to be chosen the next time. When we focus on building trust first and foremost, the right thing happens for the client and the right thing happens for you. Trust results in more purchases, more referrals, and more word of mouth. Be more interested than interesting. It’s very rare that people are interested more in other people than in speaking about themselves, but tons of research backs up this approach. If you can keep the spotlight on the other person, likeability is formed while you’re asking them questions. If you keep sending it back to them, once the conversation does swing back to you they will be much more curious and interested in you. 80% of the focus should be on the other person.     Mentioned in this Episode: GrowBIGPlaybook.com pathtopreeminence.com

Mo shares his insights from the habits of Glen Jackson. Do the unexpected. Many business developers find themselves in a sea of sameness. From a positioning and marketing standpoint, everything tends to blend in and look the same. If you’re in that situation the more power you have as an individual human and the more important you are in the decision-making process. The good news about being in an industry that is commoditized is that you are the brand and the differentiator. You are the number one thing that separates you from the competition. You can interact with clients and prospects differently in ways that they aren’t expecting. There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. The more commoditized the industry is, the more that human interaction matters. Trust is vital to relationships and it’s one of the few resources in the world where the more you have and use it, the more you gain. If you’re in a meeting and all you are doing is focusing on building trust it takes the pressure off, speeds up the decision making process, and you are more likely to be chosen the next time. When we focus on building trust first and foremost, the right thing happens for the client and the right thing happens for you. Trust results in more purchases, more referrals, and more word of mouth. Be more interested than interesting. It’s very rare that people are interested more in other people than in speaking about themselves, but tons of research backs up this approach. If you can keep the spotlight on the other person, likeability is formed while you’re asking them questions. If you keep sending it back to them, once the conversation does swing back to you they will be much more curious and interested in you. 80% of the focus should be on the other person.     Mentioned in this Episode: GrowBIGPlaybook.com pathtopreeminence.com

Mo asks Glen Jackson: How can we stay on top of relationship building when so much is vying for our attention every day? Have a fresh ice mindset. Glen tells the story of the owner of Home Depot who wanted to discover the secret behind the success of his best performing store. Treating every day as if you had just opened your doors is the mindset you need to succeed in business and relationships. Remind yourself what your values are as an organization and live them out every day. You can’t be perfect but you can aim high. Just like external client-facing relationships, you have to invest in the relationships within the team as well. Just calling someone who would be delighted in hearing from you can make a massive cumulative impact over time. Your voice is something that can’t be replicated by a text or an email.     Mentioned in this Episode: GrowBIGPlaybook.com pathtopreeminence.com

Mo asks Glen Jackson: What is your best advice for experts to deepen their relationships? Relationship building is a commitment to establishing and investing in relationships that genuinely matter to you. Many businesses are great at establishing the relationship but fall short on the investing part. Relationship building is the exact opposite of networking. Networking is a task and relationship building is a commitment. Building relationships is more about transformation than a transaction. We live and work in a relational economy. Be more interested than interesting. Cultivate curiosity in what other people are doing and that will help you invest more deeply in that relationship. Great leaders that are preeminent impress at a distance and impact up close. To show your interest in someone, you have to be intentional and disciplined about it. There are four types of relationship builders and each type has a different mindset. You can be an Investor, Connector, Personalizer, or Observer. Play to your strengths and invest in the way the other person would also appreciate it.     Mentioned in this Episode: GrowBIGPlaybook.com pathtopreeminence.com

Mo asks Glen Jackson: What is your best advice for an expert that wants to create and close more opportunities? The most important five-letter word in business is trust. Trust is the glue of life. Trust resides on the inside and that makes it extremely powerful. Trust is a mix of character and competency. Your character is your credibility as a human being and your competency is your reliability as a professional. When you combine both the end result is trust. You can’t force trust. Influence is freely accepted, it’s never forcefully delivered. Trust is a peculiar resource. The more you have it and use it, the more you get. It reduces the time and cost of making decisions. When you use the trust you have and don’t abuse it, it snowballs and accumulates over time. Most experts want to start off by doing all the talking, but knowing when to actually say something is key to building trust in a relationship. You should be listening more than speaking and asking thoughtful questions. Look for points of connection between you and the other person. Glen looks for the moment when he can encapsulate the problem they’ve been talking about during the meeting and then relay it back to them to show that he’s understood what they are trying to solve. From there he offers a possible solution to their problem. As a trusted advisor, a lot of people want to know you understand the problem. Don’t rush into trying to offer a solution before that first step. You should be able to recap the problem with clarity, and then provide ideas for moving forward.     Mentioned in this Episode: GrowBIGPlaybook.com pathtopreeminence.com

Mo asks Glen Jackson: What is your big idea on how we can grow our book of business and enhance our career? Glen’s big idea is the acronym DTU (Do The Unexpected) which is the exact opposite of an IOU. DTU’s are about motivation instead of obligation and when done sincerely and genuinely can be incredibly powerful in creating relationships. They come in all shapes and sizes. A smaller DTU could be writing a handwritten note to someone you interacted with recently. Everyone wants to feel noteworthy, and writing a note is a great example of how to make that happen. When you refresh others, you refresh yourself. Glen tells the story of how he got caught in the rain and was rescued by a cab driver that went out of his way to help Glen, and how Glen paid the cab driver back. One of the easiest ways to show that you care is listening well. In a conversation with someone, you may discover a topic that you can help them learn more about, and pointing them in the right direction is a simple way to do that. The best way to create influence with individuals is through empathy and showing that you care. Always tie the DTU to something meaningful to the other person because personalization is where the meaning is going to be. Everything you do is a brand ambassador. Everything you do is seen and everything you say is heard by someone.     Mentioned in this Episode: GrowBIGPlaybook.com pathtopreeminence.com

Marissa King shares the science behind the power of your network to create exponential results for your book of business. Learn about the three main network types and the strengths and benefits of each so you can understand exactly how to deepen your relationships and create more opportunities as well as why asking for help is the secret weapon of expert network professionals.   Mo asks Marissa King: How can we grow our book of business and career through networking? Research has shown that ⅔ of professionals, even those whose businesses depend on relationships, are actively resistant to the idea of networking. Our relationships are something that we hold dear, so being intentional and strategic about them seems morally off-putting for many people. We know that networking is certainly important and one of the best ways to overcome your initial resistance to it is to think about what you can give in an interaction instead of what you can get. It’s not just networking that matters, it’s your network. Understanding what your network looks like and what its current strengths are is going to be more effective than just increasing the number of people you know. From three decades of social science research, we know that most of the positive outcomes we care about are determined primarily by the type of network we have. We all have certain network signatures and there are three basic types. The first type is the Convener. These people invest a lot in maintaining existing relationships and have a few deep ties. This preference for stability comes with a lot of trust and emotional/psychological support. The second type is a Brokerage network. Brokers tend to straddle multiple social worlds careerwise, and talk to groups that don’t normally talk to each other. They are in the idea import/export business. Brokers have the strongest personality predictor, known as self-monitoring, which is a chameleon effect. The benefits of this type of network are innovation, creativity, and a better work/life balance. The third type is an Expansionist network, which is the quintessential network. Expansionists know exponentially more people than the average person and this kind of network is great for visibility, popularity, and influence. There is extraordinary value in your existing network, no matter what type you have. What are your current strengths and what needs do you have at the moment? Understanding that is your first step. The key to forming and maintaining a really effective network is in tapping to your existing network’s strengths, rather than just growing it. For Conveners, there is great value in reaching out to dormant connections. Those people are much more likely to provide you with new information because of the underlying trust that still remains. One of the best things you can learn from Brokers is focusing on where you are going rather than who you know. Spend time in a new space or learn a new hobby and by simply putting yourself in a new place you are likely to regenerate your network. The Expansionist ability of being able to give from one to many is a strength that anyone can take advantage of.   Mo asks Marissa King: How can high-end experts create more opportunities to close more business that feels authentic and leverages the idea of a powerful network? One of the most powerful things about networks is that we can use them to think about our relationships in general. You can grow your book of business by matching whatever you’re trying to sell with network thinking. If your product or service is hard to evaluate from the outset, one of the best things you can be is embedded in a network that can vouch for you, like a Convening network. The repeated exposure in this sort of network is critical to selling such a service. If your business involves either keeping people apart or putting them together, one of the key traits you need to cultivate is empathy and the perception of being empathetic. This overcomes the tendency of people to doubt your motives. The takeaway from Expanisionsts is to stay in touch with people in the network on a regular basis, especially if your product or service is easy to understand and purchase. The ability to close deals almost always boils down to trust. High-quality interactions with people in your network, no matter what kind of network it is, are how you build that trust. People want to help you. The power of networks is that when you put individuals together into groups you get outsized gains. By investing in your network and creating value for them, that value comes back multifold to you. When you don’t ask someone for help, you are denying them the ability to be helpful. By asking for help you are actually strengthening the relationship, as well as giving the other person a sense of mastery. People like people who ask for help.   Mo asks Marissa King: How can people use their networks to deepen relationships? Networks are relationships and the quality of those relationships is determined in the moment. Two of the biggest obstacles to deep relationships are simple distractions and not being present in the moment. If you’re in a meeting, turn your phone off and put it away. Simply having a phone on the table during a conversation makes it less pleasurable and it makes you look less empathetic. Research showed that the truth of the parable of the Good Samaritan is that how much of a hurry someone is in determines whether they stop to help. The key for everyone is to slow down and be present. Being in a hurry is the biggest roadblock to real connection. The most effective relationship-building super power you can have is the ability to listen. Most people believe they are great listeners but that’s not the case for the majority. Oftentimes people just need space to be seen and heard. Give them that full space and it’s amazing how quickly relationships can move forward. Self-disclosure and allowing people to see more hidden aspects of yourself is how you connect on a human-to-human basis. Finding uncommon commonalities is the key. If you discover that you both love to unicycle, it will lead to a much deeper connection than more surface level stuff. Give people more color and character. We all want to know each other as humans and that’s all part of your story.   Mo asks Marissa King: How can we hack our own habits to build the most robust networks? Our networks are often our most valuable asset but very few people are intentional about them. You don’t need to invest a lot of time into relationships to grow them, you just need to invest what time you have wisely. Pick one day a week and choose a 15-minute window to commit to reaching out to three people who can help meet whatever needs you have. A good place to start is the Give, Thank, or Ask framework. Send them an article or podcast you think they’d like, thank them for something they did, or ask them for something. People want to help you. The key is to keep the ask small and specific so it’s easy to answer. If someone doesn’t respond or says no, that’s okay too. It’s about putting yourself out there and creating the habit more than the outcome. Studies have shown that people overestimate how many people will say no to them by orders of magnitude. If fear is getting in the way, realize that you are more afraid than necessary. If you are struggling with the idea of connecting with other people, know that you are better than you think and people are more likely to say yes than you think.   Mo shares his insights from the habits of Marissa King. Knowing your network helps you know what to do next. The three major types of networks are Conveners, Brokers, and Expansionists and by knowing your network type, you can know what to do to take it to the next level. Conveners are particularly well suited for people who promote or provide an ambiguous service, for example a high stakes trial lawyer. Having a network that lets people talk about you across different disciplines can be very powerful. For Brokers, thinking with empathy from all sides and knowing when to bring people together is key. For Expansionists, the trick is to keep everyone in your network and in a way that scales. Relationships are formed in moments. There are times when someone comes to you when the effort you put in is exponentially more important. Helping someone in a moment like that is something that they remember forever. Moments of truth are when you really find out what kind of relationships you’ve got. Put your phone aside, ask followup questions, pay attention, look for uncommon commonalities. Being present is something that you can be in control of. Assessing how present you are on a regular basis can make the difference. We all have to ask for help. So many professionals are resistant to asking for help but it’s an incredible way to establish a connection and deepen a relationship. It actually helps the other person at the same time by giving them the feeling of being helpful. That feeling correlates to likeability and self-esteem. Don’t be afraid to ask, you will probably get a positive response either way.     Mentioned in this Episode: GrowBIGPlaybook.com assessyournetwork.com socialchemistry.com linkedin.com/in/marissadking