Foreplay Radio – Couples and Sex Therapy

We’re talking about good-enough responding - responding to our partner in ways that keep us connected even when we disappoint them. Think about when a withdrawer finally comes forward; while their pursuing partner may long for whatever they’re offering, the same pursuer most likely feels doubt and mistrust about the sincerity of their withdrawing partner or the evidence that this is a start of a change pattern. George is so confident that mistrust is going to be present at this stage - he calls it a natural part of the change process. So of course - the pursuer doesn’t reward their withdrawer with success for initiation and guess what? - the withdrawing partner backs away. Fail. But what if there were a way to find a secondary target, a secondary path to stay connected. George and Laurie discuss how you can target a lesser but important target (other than true responsiveness); you can give permission for you partner’s defensive/protective move - you can let them know it makes sense to you. As hard as it seems to do, validating your partner’s defense actually helps them feel seen by you and keeps you in connection. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Wanna spice it up? What have you fantasized about doing? It takes vulnerability to tell each other about ideas for novelty and change. Are you willing to risk? Laurie and George talk about how couples choose to spice things up - ways that novelty can be gas petals or brakes for different couples often dividing the couple themselves. Porn, gummies, alcohol, vibrators, handcuffs, feathers, etc… and other toys might add to arousal or block connection! Knowing that you’re gonna have a glass of wine, you’re gonna loosen up, you’re gonna feel less inhibited…. some of it is simply the ritual, the getting ready, looking forward to a bit of change that can create a little fun. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Is it worth it to accept something that your partner wants to give you sexually instead of holding out for what you really want? Is something better than nothing? Laurie and George use a tried and true EFT principle called "slicing it thinner" - find a way to help your partner get closer to what you want without them losing themselves or feeling compromised. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Would you just love to go for a walk with Laurie and talk about sex? Well, on this episode, L invites all of her girlfriends out there to talk about all the stuff - hacks to conquer menopause, how to use a vibrator and what to do if his erection fails. Join in for some girl talk! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The million dollar question! (for pursuers) how do you get someone to pursue their own pleasure. In our Q&A, Laurie and George see a reader’s point. For so many  reasons it works better when your partner is engaged sexually - they supply desire that fuels the sexual fun, it’s a turn-on to see your partner in uninhibited abandon plus it takes the pressure off from always having to initiate. But there’s a flip side that is often dynamic.      Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lovemaking, maintenance sex, icebreaker sex, the 5-minute window, RED HOT sex, and scheduled sex - all have their merits. Compliments of our friends' blog @thehappymarriageau, George and Laurie riff on these six modes of sex - what they're good for, what the drawbacks are and how connected relationships might make use of all of them.   Please follow @thehappymarriageau and us as well on insta @Foreplay_radiosextherapy. And find some fantastic lube at Uberlube.com with 10% off using our coupon "Foreplay." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Keeping connected is easier when we're in green brain - when our brain says we are safe, cared about and even loved - when we can relax, talk, listen with openness.  Red brains are escalated, tense, maybe angry or in total shut down.  Listen to George and Laurie talk about pulling a partner in red brain into the calm connected place where sex and connection can happen. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FOREPLAY welcomes Emotionally Focused Therapy, founder Dr. Sue Johnson to talk with us about George's driving and the sexual cycle. We laughed together about their early relationship and more seriously about George asking for help after 9/11 with the couples he was seeing and Sue's generous response.  Sue gives us a keen example of a uber sexual pursuer and how his needs for attachment drive him even thought his behavior pushes his partner away. Listen up to our discussing with someone who has changed the world with her theory and life's work! For an EFT Therapist or to purchase her bestselling books LoveSense or Hold Me Tight - contact Sue's organization: ICEEFT.com   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Listen to this emotional episode to to help the withdrawers in your life. Trained to suppress emotions, withdrawers have decided early in life - it's is not okay to have needs. Their nervous systems don't trust because in the past people haven't shown up for them. Even if their pursuing partner are longing to be close and cover them with their love, their hearts believe others are not safe or dependable. George and Laurie think about the actual words that withdrawers might say when they finally reach out to their waiting partners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Withdrawers in relationship are steeled against the three waves that come for them... first, they do it wrong for their pursuing partner, next it's their fault for withdrawing and third, they really are nothing after all.  Can you see why it makes sense not to engage? If all you get when you engage with your partner is ultimately the knowledge about being not good enough, maybe unloveable - it's soo much better to stay distant.  Laurie and George talk about the different strategies that withdrawers use to stay as far away from failing as they can. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices