Feeling Good Podcast | TEAM-CBT - The New Mood Therapy

235: Anger in Marriage Several months ago. a professional dancer named Brian emailed me with an Ask David question on how to deal with anger in marriage using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. I was pretty excited because anger in marriage is a problem nearly everyone can identify with, and something we all need some help with! Brian and his family Brian said that he and his wife, Michelle, have been married since 2009, and while he loves Michelle a great deal, their relationship runs hot and cold, with frequent angry clashes. I asked Brian for a specific example, including a partially filled out Relationship Journal (RJ), so I could get some details on what his wife said to him, and what, exactly, he said next, during one of their conflicts. Brian and his wife, Michelle The analysis of this exchange will provide us with a crystal clear example of the type of problem they are struggling with, along with the opportunity to pinpoint the specific errors Brian is making in responding to his wife's criticisms. In the example he sent, she said that he wasn't doing enough to help put the kids to bed one night, and he responded by saying nothing. He analyzed his response with the EAR technique from my book, Feeling Good Together. By ignoring her, it was obvious that failed on E = Empathy (he did not acknowledge how she felt), and A = Assertiveness (he did not share his feelings), and on R = Respect (he did not express any warmth, respect, or love for her.) He was able to see that this response will make the problem worse and force her to keep criticizing him. When he ignores her, she feels even more hurt, ignored, abandoned, and unloved. As a result, she'll keep criticizing him since he hasn't yet listened or "gotten it." So although he feels like an innocent victim, he's actually the secret creator of his own interpersonal reality. In other words, he forces her to do the very thing he's complaining about. That's the purpose of the Relationship Journal (RJ) —to help you see your own role in a conflict. It's an amazing but pretty painful tool that's potentially liberating. At my urging over the past several months, Brian worked really hard studying the Five Secrets of Effective Communication (LINK) and doing the written exercises in Feeling Good Together. After a rocky start, with some notable failures in his attempt to improve his interactions with his wife, he slowly began to "get it," and their relationship began to improve a lot. Brian joins us today to describe his journey, and share his excitement about my first book, Feeling Good, as well as Feeling Good Together. I am really proud of what Brian has accomplished through commitment, practice, and hard work, as well as his courageous willingness to look at his own role in the problem. This is nearly always painful, and requires the "great death" of the "self," or "ego." During today's podcast, we practiced with the "Intimacy Exercise." This exercise can help you improve your skills with the Five Secrets. Here's the way it works. To get things started, either Rhonda or David will play the role of Brian's wife, and Brian will play the role of himself. We will criticize Brian in the way his wife sometimes criticizes him, and then he will respond, using the Five Secrets. For example, she recently said: "When I was on the phone with my best friend, you were rude and selfish, and making too much noise with the video you were creating." Then he responded and we gave him a grade, and pointed out what he was doing right and what he was doing wrong that needed improvement. If you check your ego at the door, this can be a great, but challenging, way to learn! Brian gave himself a C on his response, which you'll hear in the podcast, and Rhonda agreed. She also gave him a C. I gave him a B, as I thought he did some pretty cool things while making several errors. Here's where he needed improvement. His use of the Disarming Technique needed upgrading. He didn't strongly and directly endorse the truth in his wife's criticism. For example, he might say something like this: "You're right, I was being insensitive and selfish, and I've done that to you so often over the years." His response would benefit from the inclusion of some "I Feel" Statements," since it sounded a bit mechanical. For example, he might say, "I feel really sad and ashamed to hear you say that I was selfish and insensitive, because you're absolutely right, and I love you so much." There was no Stroking, and I included one way to do this in the "I Feel" response I just described. His Thought Empathy was good, but there was no Feeling Empathy. In other words, he did not mention how sad, hurt and angry his wife might be feeling. He did not finish with a sound use of Inquiry that would invite his wife to open up even more. For example, he could end by asking her to tell him more about how she feels when he's being insensitive and selfish, and how hurt, angry, and lonely she might feel. Brian was non-defensive and open to this feedback. Then we did role reversals to give him the chance to try these new approaches and boost his grade. Here's a comment he wanted me to share with you: Learning and implementing the 5 Secrets of Communication literally helped to save my marriage. The breakthrough came for me when I was really able to grab hold of Feeling Empathy, and really delve deep into understanding how my actions hurt my wife. This was one of the hardest challenges I've ever had in my life but the deeper I got into my wife's heart and mind, the more my anger dissipated and was replaced by empathy, warmth and love for my wife. I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination and in the podcast, both Rhonda and David went over some really cool role play to help sharpen my skills in the 5 Secrets. My hope is that by sharing my story it will help to provoke some helpful thoughts in the listener to help them continue to grow in their relationships. Brian Brian also said that he is a Christian, and loves Jesus, and that one thing he appreciates about the Five Secrets is that it is deeply connected to Christian teachings. For example, here's a quotation from Matthew 7:3: "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" I strongly agree with Brian's take on this, and believe that the Five Secrets of Effective Communication can be viewed as both a psychological and a spiritual tool. I would add that the Five Secrets, as well as all of the techniques in TEAM-CBT, are compatible with most if not all religious traditions. I have often said that the moment of profound change—the moment you recover from anxiety or depression, for example—will nearly always have a spiritual meaning, but the details of your interpretation will depend on your religious or philosophical upbringing. I like to emphasize this because my father was a Lutheran minister, but he seemed pretty suspicious of psychiatrists, thinking that psychiatry and religion were inherently at odds with one another. Some deeply religious people have seen me, as some kind of pariah, or enemy of religion. When I lived in Philadelphia, I went to Lancaster, Pa, on ten consecutive Saturday mornings to teach CBT at a beautiful religious hospital there. I enjoyed teaching their staff a number of new techniques for treating depression. They told me that one of the local evangelists had a Saturday morning radio show, and that whenever I came to town, he would say, "the snake has returned to Lancaster" on his show! I think it is because I quoted the Buddha on something, and some of the more conservative folks didn't take kindly to that comment! I guess they thought that the Buddha was the same as the devil! I see religion and psychotherapy, in contrast, as synergistic. Although all of my work is totally secular, and based on research and clinical experience, the overlap of TEAM-CBT with all religious traditions is clear and unmistakable. I love it when clergymen, rabbis, or imams attend my workshops and point out the common grounds with what I'm teaching and their theological beliefs. We did more role playing during the podcast, as Brian also wanted to focus on his feelings of insecurity resulting from relentless self-critical thoughts, like, "I suck at dancing, so I'm worthless". We used THE Externalization of Voices along with the Acceptance Paradox, the Self-Defense Paradigm, and the CAT (Counter-Attack Technique) to challenge his negative thoughts. We also used Positive Reframing to reduce his resistance to giving up his self-criticisms. We did a number of role plays with role reversals, just as we'd done earlier when practicing the Five Secrets. Brian was incredibly fun to work with, and Rhonda and I developed great affection and admiration from him. We'll try to post some follow-up, too, once Brian has had the chance to listens to the audio with his wife We can perhaps get her responses to the show and include them in the show notes. There were at least two keys to the rapid progress Brian has made learning to use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication with very little input from me. He is very much in love with Michelle and intensely committed to improving their relationship. He has high standards and is willing to put in the work that is necessary to master the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, not only in his interactions with his wife, but also with people in general. He has also been willing to put in the work to learn to change the way he thinks and feels, so he can modify his internal dialogue as well as the way he communicates with others. Your internal and external dialogues will often fuel each other. You know that Brian is a professional dancer. Can you guess what he does for a living? I was surprised and delighted to learn that Brian runs a Break Dance School in Long Beach, California, for children, teens, and adults. Here is the link in case you want to contact him or sign up for some awesome break dance classes! Webreakdance.com Instagram.com/Webreak Here are some awesome video links you can watch: Webreak Soul Evolution Crew Performance: https://youtu.be/M4FzENnYXj4 Brian Breakdancing Solo: https://www.instagram.com/tv/CHjr8yXhGk7/?igshid=1341ipmr311ho

Announcements / Upcoming Workshops March 24, 2021 Feeling Great: A New, High-Speed Treatment for Depression and Anxiety. A One-Day Workshop by David Burns, MD. sponsored by Jack Hirose & Associates, Vancouver Click here for more information including registration! April 7, 2021 Bringing TEAM-CBT to Life in Real Time, by David D. Burns, MD. A Half-Day Live Therapy Demonstration Sponsored by Jack Hirose & Associates, Vancouver Click here for more information including registration! * * * Podcast 234: How To Deal with Whiners and Complainers In today's podcast, we bring to life two of the earliest CBT techniques I developed way back before I wrote Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. The are: The Anti-Whiner Technique The Anti-Heckler Technique they are both based in two of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication: The Disarming Technique: You find truth in what the other person is saying Stroking: You find something positive to say to the person In addition, if appropriate you can include Feeling Empathy, especially in the Anti-Whiner Technique. This means that you acknowledge how the other person is feeling The Anti-Whiner Technique Most of us know someone who tends to whine and complain a great deal, and you might have noticed that when you try to help them, cheer them up, or give them some advice, their whining and complaining just escalates, so you end up secretly frustrated and annoyed. If you're tired of this pattern, you might want to try the Anti-Whiner Technique, which can be incredibly effective, but it's anti-intuitive. You simply agree with the person who's complaining, and give them a compliment. Rhonda and David will illustrate this with complaints like these: Nobody cares about me! I never get to do what I want to do. Nobody likes me. I never get invited anywhere. I never get to do anything fun. I've tried everything and nothing seems to help. All the doctors just seem to care about themselves. Nobody listens to me! Life is unfair. People only care about themselves I have to do everything for myself. Nobody helps. I can't hear very well, my sight is deteriorating, and I've got hemorrhoids! What can I do? Preparation H doesn't help at all! My students just don't listen. This younger generation is totally screwed up! Nothing helps! I'm depressed all the time. I've tried everything. No one every said one kind thing to me! I've got so much to do, but I just can't get started, and everything just keeps piling up! The Anti-Heckler Technique I love treating public speaking anxiety because I used to struggle with this problem myself, but now I totally love public speaking. One of the many reasons that people fear public speaking is because they're afraid someone in the audience will become critical or hostile, or ask them something they can't answer. The Anti-Heckler Technique is fairly easy to use, and works like a charm if done skillfully. It's similar to the Anti-Whiner Technique we just illustrated. Just make a list of hostile things that the audience member from hell might say during your talk, or during the Q and A period, and then respond with the Disarming Technique plus Stroking. Rhonda and I will illustrate this with these kinds of critical comments. You're full of shit and you know it! What you're saying isn't true and doesn't make sense. You're a total fraud and a fake. You're not supposed to say that. You talk too fast. You are confusing. You don't know what you're talking about. You are not following the outline you gave us. It's too cold, too hot. You're wrong about that. You are quoting outdated research that's been debunked already. I didn't like it when you made jokes. You don't know enough to teach this class. You're disorganized, incomprehensible, and boring. You always call on the same people in the audience, you play favorites. Rhonda and David also explore why it is so hard to use these techniques in our personal and professional relationships, and why we lapse into adversarial defenses when we could collaborate with others in the spirit of mutual exploration and learning. Most of it has to do with the idea that we have a "self," or "ego" to defend! As the Buddha so often said, "Selves are cheap. Selflessness is dear!"

Phillip Lolonis, a teen therapist and certified TEAM therapist, shares insights from his innovative program, Teen in Nature, inspired by his brother's battle with schizophrenia. He delves into the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, discussing how to use empathy and the Disarming Technique to connect with individuals experiencing delusions. Through role-playing, he illustrates finding truth in their words to foster understanding. Phillip emphasizes the profound therapeutic benefits of nature, particularly for those facing mental health challenges.

The podcast discusses ego strength, panic attacks, habits/addictions, high blood pressure, sudden enlightenment, cognitive techniques for emotional well-being, understanding panic attacks, negative thought patterns, confronting fear, empathy in relationships, and upcoming virtual workshops on overcoming self-defeating beliefs.

This is the first of two podcasts featuring Phillip Lolonis, LCSW, who works with Rhonda at her new FeelingGreatTherapyCenter.com. Some of you may remember my descriptions and photos of my Sunday hikes for people in our training groups for the past ten years. Here's a photo from one my last hikes before the pandemic. Phillip is the one in red in the back row. I hope to resume the Sunday hikes as soon as people are vaccinated! In today's podcast, you'll meet Phillip Lolonis who has transformed TEAM-CBT hiking therapy into a high and exciting art form on the California trails near Mt. Diablo. Phillip is a licensed clinical social worker and Level 3 TEAM therapists who is a member of Rhonda's new Feeling Great Therapy Center in the East Bay. He describes his love for "nature therapy" and pointed out that the Buddha experienced enlightenment when meditating under a tree. Phillip describes growing up on a farm and feeling at peace and profound connection with nature as he watched his father working in the fields. He said that his ancestors were all farmers in Greece for hundreds of years. Phillip first started "hiking therapy" when he was working with groups of individuals suffering from schizophrenia. One day, he decided to take his group out for a hike in the hills behind the hospital, and noticed the peacefulness and relaxation the patients experienced while hiking, and see the views of the San Francisco Bay from (describe the location at the top of the hike.) He said the patients seemed to experience much less of the internal, distracting stimuli that interfered so greatly with their attempts to connect with others. All of his patients complete David's Evaluation of Therapy Session after each session. This tools encourages patients to rate the therapist's empathy and helpfulness and describe what they liked and disliked about the session. Phillip works with a wide range of individuals, and says that whether they are 10 years old suffering from shyness, or executives from a tech companies who are facing burnout, they often say that they feel more open, honest and willing to go deeper when hiking in nature, than when they are being treated back in his office or on zoom. He pointed out that these days, a great many individuals coping with mental illness end up being "treated" in jails, which are frightening and actually intensify the symptoms of schizophrenia. Phillip has a special tenderness and compassion for individuals with schizophrenia because his younger brother struggles with this affliction. However, his "hiking" therapy is not limited to individuals with schizophrenia, but adults and families with the full range of emotional challenges, such as depression and anxiety. He explained how he integrates the four elements of TEAM: T = Testing, E = Empathy, A = Assessment of Resistance, and M = Methods while hiking with his patients / clients. He also discussed some of the ethical considerations, and how to gently create boundaries so that his patients will understand that this is a professional relationship in a natural setting. Phillip is convinced, and probably right, that a beautiful and peaceful outdoor environment actually facilitates treatment and speeds recovery. Here are some photos from his hikes. just to give you an idea of what his special "office" looks like. It's a bit different from the analyst's couch! Take a look at this incredibly cute video of "talking turkey" on one of his hikes! [videopress McaWCx7u]

Ask David: Questions on self-esteem, recovery from PTSD, dating people with Borderline Personality Disorder, recovery on your own, and more! Jay asks: Is psychotherapy homework still required if you've recovered completely from depression in a single, extended therapy session? Is Ten Days to Self-Esteem better than the single chapter on this topic in Feeling Good? Are people who were abused emotionally when growing up more likely to get involved with narcissistic or borderline individuals later in life because the relationship is "familiar?" Many patients can read your books and do the exercises and recover on their own. Is a teacher or coach sometimes needed to speed things up? Is it possible for a person to become happy WITHOUT needing anyone else if they have had depression in past and/or PTSD? Also, how would Team-CBT address treating PTSD? PTSD can involve a person having multiple traumas. * * * Is psychotherapy homework still required if you've recovered completely from depression in a single, extended therapy session? Thanks, Jay, I will make this an Ask david, if that is okay, but here is my quick response. Although many folks now show dramatic changes in a single, two-hour therapy session, they will still have to do homework to cement those gains, including: Listening to or watching the recording of the session Finish on paper any Daily Mood Log that was done primarily in role-playing during the session. In other words, write the Positive thoughts, rate the belief, and re-rate the belief in the corresponding negative thought. Use the Daily Mood Log in the future whenever you get upset and start to have negative thoughts again. I also do Relapse Prevention Training following the initial dramatic recovery, and this takes about 30 minutes. I advise the patient that relapse, which I define as one minute or more of feeling crappy, is 100% certain, and that no human being can be happy all the time. We all hit bumps in the road from time to time. When they do relapse, their original negative thoughts will return, and they will need to use the same technique again that worked for them the first time they recovered. In addition, they will have certain predictable thoughts when they relapse, like "this proves that the therapy didn't rally work," or "this shows that I really am a hopeless case," or worthless, etc. I have them record a role-play challenging these thoughts with the Externalization of Voices, and do not discharge them until they can knock all these thoughts out of the park. I tell them to save the recording, and play it if they need it when they relapse. I also tell them that if they can't handle the relapse, I'll be glad to give them a tune up any time they need it. I rarely hear from them again, which is sad, actually, since I have developed a fondness for nearly all the patients I've ever treated. But I'd rather lose them quickly to recovery, than work with them endlessly because they're not making progress! People with Relationship Problems recover more slowly than individuals with depression or anxiety for at least three reasons, and can rarely or never be treated effectively in a single two-hour session: The outcome and process resistance to change in people with troubled relationships is typically way more intense. It takes tremendous commitment and practice to get good at the five secrets of effective communication, in the same way that learning to play piano beautifully takes much commitment and practice. Resolving relationship conflicts usually requires the death of the "self" or "ego," and that can be painful. That's why the Disarming Technique can be so hard for most people to learn, and many don't even want to learn it, thinking that self-defense and arguing and fighting back is the best road to travel! * * * Is Ten Days to Self-Esteem better than the single chapter on this topic in Feeling Good? Yes, Ten Days to Self-Esteem would likely be a deeper dive into the topic of Self-Esteem. It is a ten-step program that can be used in groups or individually in therapy, or as a self-help tool. There is a Leader's Manual, too, for those who want to develop groups based on it. * * * Are people who were abused emotionally when growing up more likely to get involved with narcissistic or borderline individuals later in life because the relationship is "familiar?" I was involved with a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, and it was exhausting! Why was I attracted to her? Thank you for the question, Jay. Most claims about parents and childhood experiences, in my opinion, are just something somebody claimed and highly unlikely to be true if one had a really great data base to test the theory. We don't really know why people are attracted to each other. Many men do seem attracted to women with Borderline Personality Disorder. Perhaps it's exciting and dramatic dynamic that they're attracted to, and perhaps it's appealing to try to "help" someone who seems wounded. Good research on topics like this would be enormously challenging, and people would just ignore the results if not in line with their own thinking. Our field is not yet very scientific, but is dominated by "cults" and people who believe, and who desperately want to believe, things that are highly unlikely, in my opinion, to be true. I do quite a lot of data analysis using a sophisticated statistical modeling program called AMOS (the Analysis of Moment Structures) created by Dr. James Arbuckle from Temple University in Philadelphia, someone I admire tremendously. This program does something called structural equation modeling. In the typical analysis, the program tells you that your theory cannot possibly be true, based on your data. If you are brave, this can lead to radical changes in how you think and see things, especially if you are not "stuck" in your favored theories. But this type of analysis is not for the faint of heart. All the best, David Here is Jay's follow-up email: HI Dr. Burns, As you know A LOT of people attribute their present problems (depression / anxiety / relationship conflicts / addictions) to their "abusive" or "toxic" relationship with their parents. It is interesting that it seems some people internalize negative beliefs about themselves based on what their parents said to them on a consistent basis. But it seems you are saying the data does not support that theory. Jay Thanks, Jay, I'm glad you responded again. There may be some truth to those kinds of theories. We know, for example, that abused or feral cats often have trouble with trust. So, we don't want to trivialize the pain and the horrors that many humans and animals alike endure. At the same time, people are eager to jump onto theories that "sound right" to them and serve their purposes, and most of these theories are not based on sound research. Here are two examples from my own research. I tested, in part, the theory that depression comes from bad relationships, and also that addictions result from emotional problems. I examined the causal relationships between depression on the one hand and troubled vs happy relationships with loved ones on the other hand in several hundred patients during the first 12 weeks of treatment at my clinical in Philadelphia, and published it in top psychology journal for clinical research. (will include link) That was because there were at the time two warring camps—those who said that a lack of loving and satisfying relationships causes depression, and those who said it was the other way around, that depression leads to troubled relationships. And the third group said it worked both ways. My study indicated that although troubled relationships were correlated with depression, there were NO causal links in either direction. Instead, the statistical models strongly hinted that an unobserved, third variable had causal effects on both simultaneously. This is the only paper in the world literature that I am aware of that has tested the causal links between intimacy and depression, but because the results did not satisfy anyone, the paper is rarely or never quoted, and did not seem to influence those who were advocates of one or the other theories. As they say, wrong theories die hard. Here's the reference: Burns, D. D., Sayers, S. S., & Moras, K. (1994). Intimate Relationships and Depression: Is There a Causal Connection? Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 62(5): 1033 - 1042. I also looked at the causal links between all kinds of emotional problems and all kinds of addictions in 178 or so patients admitted to the psychiatric inpatient unit of the Stanford Hospital. I was unable to confirm any significant causal links between depression, anxiety, loneliness, anger, and so forth and any kind of addiction (overeating, drugs, alcohol, etc.) The only possible causal link I could find was a small causal link of depression on reducing the tendency to binge or overeat. This was a secondary and unpublished analysis of data I collected in validating my EASY diagnostic system. I don't mean to encourage insensitivity to suffering or and I don't want to stop or stifle creative thinking about the causes of depression and anxiety and addictions. I simply want to emphasize that the causes of depression, and most other emotional problems, are still totally unknown. That is a very simple statement, but it seems to me that most folks don't "get it," or don't want to hear it. Maybe we all want to explain things, or blame others, or think of ourselves as "experts," or perhaps we feel uneasy with thinking that we don't yet know the causes of most psychiatric problems, like depression and anxiety or troubled relationships. It may be comforting to think we do know the causes of negative feelings or human conflict. This is my thinking only, and I'm often off base! Tell me what you think. David

Today's emotional and inspiring podcast features Mary Stockton, an Level 3 certified TEAM therapist living in Ohio and her daughter, Elizabeth Stockton Perkins, who is 19 years old and a sophomore at Vassar College. They give testament to how the Five Secrets of Effective Communication have transformed their relationship as mother and daughter, as well as their relationships with others. Mary said that the Five Secrets changed her life personally and professionally, and that the tools have been "life-changing." Mary was first introduced to the Five Secrets of Effective Communication when she attended one of David's training workshops in 2002 entitled, "And It's All Your Fault!" However, she did not really dive in and use the techniques until 2017 when she received additional TEAM-CBT training from Rhonda, Jill Levitt, Daniel Mintie, Matt May, and Thai-An Truong. Mary introduced Elizabeth to the Five Secrets when Elizabeth was a junior in high school, and Elizabeth began to use these tools with friends and also in her baby sitting. Mary said it has transformed their relationship, because previously she had been addicted to "helping," rescuing, advising and problem solving, habits which often prevent closeness in relationships. David pointed out that many if not most mental health professionals, including many reading this at this moment, have been trained in these misguided "helping" methods, and are not even aware of it, or how unhelpful that "helping" can be. The relationship between Mary and Elizabeth is wonderful testament to the power of the Five Secrets. Mary said that using the Five Secrets in their relationship provides them with a wonderful framework that they share and enjoy. Elizabeth said they have zero other-blame or self-blame in their relationship, and that they routinely get a fun, positive charge from the Five Secrets. Elizabeth discussed a distressful situation when Mary responded to her using the Five Secrets and she felt supported, comforted and empowered. She was struggling with negative thoughts and feelings about her body image, telling herself on the one hand that "I should be bird boned and be a size 2 and be super skinny," while at the same time telling herself, "I should be a strong feminist and not give in to these societal messages about what a woman should be like." Because her mom relied on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication and other TEAM skills, Elizabeth suddenly found that she could open up about feelings she'd been hiding, and their relationship changed dramatically. Elizabeth suddenly found that she could open up about feelings she'd been hiding out of a sense of shame, and felt love and accepted. She said that "mom was the first person I'd been able to open up with. I felt relief that I didn't have to defend myself." Elizabeth cried when she described the gratitude she felt when she had the chance to be open and accepted, especially when she described her concern about being a good role model for two younger friends. They also described how Mary used the TEAM process of Empathy, Positive Reframing, and Methods like the Externalization of Voices and Survey Technique to help Elizabeth escape from the self-critical thoughts that had trapped her. It was a beautiful experience just to witness the joy and love in their relationship. They also described a program on the Five Secrets that they presented for other teens and families. We explored how one might use the Five Secrets when interacting with someone on the other side of the political divide who is angrily proclaiming political views that are sharply different from, and opposed to, your own. This is a huge problem in our country right now, with so much focus on blame, labeling others, and wanting to proclaim and insist on your own "truths." I have not done this podcast justice in my show notes. You'll have to listen to "get it." Mary, her elegant daughter Elizabeth, and the always wonderful and delightful Rhonda really hit it out of the park today. I deeply appreciated being included in this terrific experience, and hope you also enjoyed it! David

In today's podcast, we focus on a request by Tommy, a podcast fan who asked for a podcast on how TEAM evolved from traditional CBT. So here it is! Hi Dr. Burns, I hope you're doing well! I just recently completed Feeling Great and found it incredibly helpful. I found the technique chart that offered specific techniques for each distortion to be incredibly valuable and I've incorporated it into all my Daily Mood Logs. I've also listened to every podcast and have been already exposed to nearly all of the content within the book, but the book did such an elegant job of simplifying everything and putting it into context. I've already gifted it to several family members and am eagerly awaiting the audio version so I can gift it to my grandfather, a psychodynamic therapist of 30 some odd years who's vision impaired. I think he'll really get a lot out of it! Beyond the well-deserved praise, I'm emailing because I just listened to your post recent podcast episode (222) with Dr. Barovsky and you asked for any suggestions the audience might have concerning future episodes. There were two things that you mentioned that made me think an episode on the evolution of TEAM might be really cool and insightful. You mentioned that TEAM was specifically developed to deal with borderline personality patients that you saw at PENN and you also described an interaction with a stranger in California who approached you that inspired the concept of fractal therapy (at least that's how I understood that interaction). I think it would be incredibly interesting if you gave a sort of chronology of TEAM and what problems some of the core components were intended to solve. Obviously, I wouldn't expect you to go through every technique. But some insight into how you came up with positive reframing, the magic dial, perhaps uncovering techniques, and whatever else you'd be willing to share. Besides being interesting, I think it would be valuable because it would provide greater insight into the TEAM processes through demonstrating how it's overcome some of the obstacles that traditional CBT was unable to overcome. Dr. Mark Noble's chapter in Feeling Great led me to think quite a bit about this, particularly where he described how TEAM is really the ideal therapeutic structure from a neurological standpoint. Certainly you didn't just stumble into TEAM and I for one would find anything you'd be willing to discuss on this topic really interesting! Thank you again for everything you do. Best, Tommy Hi Tommy Here are some historical highlights in my thinking. In the podcast I will describe them and dialogue with Rhonda, but in no particular order. Thanks for the great suggestion, and hope you enjoy the podcast. Rhonda also mentioned how the empathy piece evolved, and we discussed that! Psychotherapy homework: Early research and clinical observations on psychotherapy homework and recovery from depression; how I published research on this topic and decided to make patients accountable. Helping: The man who I called at home twice every time he called me with some emergency one weekend, and my conversation with Dr. Wendy Dryden from England. The beauty of depression: The businessman who thought he was responsible for the death of his stepson. The universal importance of Positive Reframing: The time jill said she wished we'd done positive reframing during her session. Fears of therapists that keep them stuck: My observation through supervising psychology and psychiatry graduate students, as well as teaching workshops, how really hard it is for the vast majority of therapists to give up because of their addiction to helping and their intense fears of making patients accountable. Suddenly understanding "resistance." The meeting of the Stanford voluntary faculty on teaching, and I mentioned making the concept of "resistance" more understandable for the psychiatric residents. They didn't seem interested, and then I found the answer in a dream. Creating techniques with more "oomph:" The first method I created, Externalization of Voices, how this was inspired by my experiences in psychodrama marathons when I was a medical student. Giving up on "non-specific" techniques: The elderly depressed man who ran up to 12 miles a day. Therapeutic Empathy: What I learned from Stirling Moorey, and how I set up an empathy training program along with a scale to assess empathy after every therapy session. Rhonda and David

Many of you will recall one of our most popular and amazing podcasts of all, the recording of the live therapy with Michael at the Atlanta intensive last year. In today's recording, which was recorded for a different purpose, Dr. Michael recalls his entire experience that day, with many teaching points. Although I was AT the Atlanta intensive doing the therapy, with the help of my co-therapist, Thai-An Truong, I was fascinated and enlightened by this interviews because: Michael was incredibly warm, genuine and openness. The summary shows clearly and exactly how TEAM therapy works. He recounts not only his recovery, but also how was unexpectedly catapulted into what, by my understanding, is best described as "enlightenment." Or something awfully darn close to it! He reminds us that even after one has recovered and experienced "enlightenment," we are still human and never immune to the occasional return of negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity and self-doubt, which are now, for Michael, short-lived! I just got Rhonda's response after she listened to this recording for the first time. Here's what she said: I forgot to tell you that I listened to the 30-minute recording of Michael's reflections and I loved it. I think it would be a great podcast. He did a wonderful job summarizing the work, and how it impacted him at various stages. I liked how he included his skepticism and his awe in recovery. Warmly, Rhonda and David PS Rhonda and I are convinced that successful personal work is a necessary part of therapist training. When you've done your own work, you are no longer just a "technician," but a healer, because you can tell your patients, "I know you feel because I've been there myself, and I know how painful and lonely that can be. And I'm really excited to show you the way out of the woods, too, so you can get back to feelings of joy and self-esteem, so you can wake up in the morning and say that's it's GREAT to be alive!"

We have not had the chance to do a really good podcast on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication recently, so Rhonda and I jumped at the chance to do a podcast with a local executive we will call "Valentina" who is facing a severe challenge. How can she respond effectively to a ton of her colleagues who responded critically and angrily to one her first emails since being place in a top leadership role at work? They said that her email was harsh and accusatory, and sounded adversarial and provocative, and didn't give a feeling of partnership or appreciation for all the hard work they were doing. Yikes! That's pretty tough. And yet, my philosophy—in therapy, in family conflicts, and in work settings as well—is that your worst failure can often be your greatest opportunity in disguise. Is this true? Or just pie in the sky? Rhonda and I do a lot of role-playing and role reversals to (hopefully) show Valentina how to transform a humiliating professional failure into an enormous success. We'll let you know how it works after we get some feedback from Valentina. We are both deeply indebted to Valentina for her courage in allowing us to talk about a problem that most of us encounter from time to time. I often receive harsh criticism, so I know how anxiety provoking it can be, especially when the criticisms come from authority figures! Valentina was wonderful to work with, and said she felt happiness and a sense of peace at the end of the podcast. It was great to see that! Let us know what you think about today's podcast, and your own philosophy of how to respond to criticism skillfully and effectively. We alluded to, but did not delve deeply, into the opposite philosophy of arguing, defending yourself, and never apologizing. We've seen a lot of that in the past year on the evening news every day. Did the approach we modeled on today's show seem inspiring and awesome? Or foolish and self-defeating? Thanks for listening! We hope you enjoyed today's podcast and maybe learned something useful. For more information on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, you can check out my book, Feeling Good Together, available in paperback on Amazon. Warmly, David and Rhonda