Announcements / Upcoming Workshops March 24, 2021 Feeling Great: A New, High-Speed Treatment for Depression and Anxiety. A One-Day Workshop by David Burns, MD. sponsored by Jack Hirose & Associates, Vancouver Click here for more information including registration!   April 7, 2021 Bringing TEAM-CBT to Life in Real Time, by David D. Burns, MD. A Half-Day Live Therapy Demonstration Sponsored by Jack Hirose & Associates, Vancouver Click here for more information including registration! * * * Podcast 234: How To Deal with Whiners and Complainers In today’s podcast, we bring to life two of the earliest CBT techniques I developed way back before I wrote Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. The are: The Anti-Whiner Technique The Anti-Heckler Technique they are both based in two of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication: The Disarming Technique: You find truth in what the other person is saying Stroking: You find something positive to say to the person In addition, if appropriate you can include Feeling Empathy, especially in the Anti-Whiner Technique. This means that you acknowledge how the other person is feeling The Anti-Whiner Technique Most of us know someone who tends to whine and complain a great deal, and you might have noticed that when you try to help them, cheer them up, or give them some advice, their whining and complaining just escalates, so you end up secretly frustrated and annoyed. If you’re tired of this pattern, you might want to try the Anti-Whiner Technique, which can be incredibly effective, but it’s anti-intuitive. You simply agree with the person who’s complaining, and give them a compliment. Rhonda and David will illustrate this with complaints like these: Nobody cares about me! I never get to do what I want to do. Nobody likes me. I never get invited anywhere. I never get to do anything fun. I’ve tried everything and nothing seems to help. All the doctors just seem to care about themselves. Nobody listens to me! Life is unfair. People only care about themselves I have to do everything for myself. Nobody helps. I can’t hear very well, my sight is deteriorating, and I’ve got hemorrhoids! What can I do? Preparation H doesn’t help at all! My students just don’t listen. This younger generation is totally screwed up! Nothing helps! I’m depressed all the time. I’ve tried everything. No one every said one kind thing to me! I’ve got so much to do, but I just can’t get started, and everything just keeps piling up! The Anti-Heckler Technique I love treating public speaking anxiety because I used to struggle with this problem myself, but now I totally love public speaking. One of the many reasons that people fear public speaking is because they’re afraid someone in the audience will become critical or hostile, or ask them something they can’t answer. The Anti-Heckler Technique is fairly easy to use, and works like a charm if done skillfully. It’s similar to the Anti-Whiner Technique we just illustrated. Just make a list of hostile things that the audience member from hell might say during your talk, or during the Q and A period, and then respond with the Disarming Technique plus Stroking. Rhonda and I will illustrate this with these kinds of critical comments. You’re full of shit and you know it! What you’re saying isn’t true and doesn’t make sense. You’re a total fraud and a fake. You're not supposed to say that. You talk too fast. You are confusing. You don't know what you're talking about. You are not following the outline you gave us. It's too cold, too hot. You're wrong about that. You are quoting outdated research that's been debunked already. I didn't like it when you made jokes. You don't know enough to teach this class. You're disorganized, incomprehensible, and boring. You always call on the same people in the audience, you play favorites. Rhonda and David also explore why it is so hard to use these techniques in our personal and professional relationships, and why we lapse into adversarial defenses when we could collaborate with others in the spirit of mutual exploration and learning. Most of it has to do with the idea that we have a “self,” or “ego” to defend! As the Buddha so often said, “Selves are cheap. Selflessness is dear!”

Phillip with his brother, (Paul), his mother (Maureen) and Ladybug (Labrador). Phillip Lolonis joins us again with vital information we forgot to explore in his first podcast two weeks ago. Phillip's interest in the treatment of schizophrenia stemmed from his relationship with his brother, who suddenly and unexpectedly developed schizophrenia when he was 19 years old. and Phillip was 26, One of his motivations to become a therapist was his anger and disillusionment with the treatment his brother received that was medication focused and somewhat formulaic. Phillip thought the impact was somewhat detrimental. In today's podcast, we explore how to use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, and especially the Disarming Technique, in interactions with individuals with schizophrenia. This can be difficult and challenging, because many of the things the patient says are delusional and can't possibly be true, like "I know you're plotting against me!" And yet, as David points out, if you listen to the "music" behind the words, you will see that the individual is saying something that's absolutely true. He or she is just expressing feelings in a symbolic manner. And if you find the truth in what the person is saying, he or she will nearly always calm down and feel heard and respected. Rhonda, Phillip and David demonstrate this in role-playing, using statements like "You're against me!" David recalls his treatment of an angry young university student with severe paranoid schizophrenia who responded beautifully to Dr. Stirling Moorey, a (then) visiting medical student from London who was doing cotherapy with David so he could learn the then-new cognitive therapy. Stirling used the Disarming Technique when the young man insisted that the police were trying to prevent him from seeing John the Baptist who had secrets about the spiritual human of the human race. When Stirling expressed interest and found truth in what the young man was saying, there were immediate and dramatic results. David described this interaction in his first book, Feeling Good. Phillip said he's experienced similar things with his brother, and that this new way of communicating has been helpful. Rhonda commented that we've had many podcasts recently on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. These techniques are very challenging to learn, for technical and human reasons, but incredibly rewarding if you're willing to learn them and let your "ego," or "self," die. Phillip asked us to add these comments to the show notes:  I'd like to add that the place that has been a godsend for my brother and our family is called the Putnam Clubhouse he regularly attends but not during covid,  it's tough on everyone especially the severely mentally ill, in terms of isolation.  They do have zoom meetings and come by members' homes to deliver food and goodies during covid.   It's a place that provides socialization, work, gatherings with music/poetry and outings like going to a baseball game. They are part of a larger organization world wide.  This is the link to the Clubhouse in Contra Costa County. and this is the link to the international Clubhouse for the severely mentally ill            Rhonda asked me the question if have I ever been afraid of my brother. That was a good question, Rhonda and I didn't answer very well. Only once in the 20 years of my brother's disease have I been afraid of him.  People judge my brother as potentially violent when in fact he’s terrified daily because of the violent voices towards him he hears.  My brother is stigmatized by the world as dangerous when the facts state that most people with schizophrenia are preyed upon, like my brother has been over the years---people taking his money, people crossing the street to avoid him, people calling the police on him, etc.  When he is upset or angry, and I respond with 5-Secrets, especially a strong  "I Feel" Statement, his rage softens immediately. Your question itself, "was I ever afraid?" is a misnomer. Here's a better question: Is my brother afraid? Yes, every day he's afraid of being misunderstood, stigmatized, hospitalized by the police (5150) but mostly he is afraid of the voices hurting him. And my mother and I are afraid someone will eventually hurt him, or he will take his own life because he has stated that he has done enough over the years to defeat the voices but they won't go away.  So at times he feels hopeless.

The podcast discusses ego strength, panic attacks, habits/addictions, high blood pressure, sudden enlightenment, cognitive techniques for emotional well-being, understanding panic attacks, negative thought patterns, confronting fear, empathy in relationships, and upcoming virtual workshops on overcoming self-defeating beliefs.

This is the first of two podcasts featuring Phillip Lolonis, LCSW, who works with Rhonda at her new FeelingGreatTherapyCenter.com. Some of you may remember my descriptions and photos of my Sunday hikes for people in our training groups for the past ten years. Here's a photo from one my last hikes before the pandemic. Phillip is the one in red in the back row.  I hope to resume the Sunday hikes as soon as people are vaccinated! In today's podcast, you'll meet Phillip Lolonis who has transformed TEAM-CBT hiking therapy into a high and exciting art form on the California trails near Mt. Diablo. Phillip is a licensed clinical social worker and Level 3 TEAM therapists who is a member of Rhonda's new Feeling Great Therapy Center in the East Bay. He describes his love for "nature therapy" and pointed out that the Buddha experienced enlightenment when meditating under a tree. Phillip describes growing up on a farm and feeling at peace and profound connection with nature as he watched his father working in the fields. He said that his ancestors were all farmers in Greece for hundreds of years. Phillip first started "hiking therapy" when he was working with groups of individuals suffering from schizophrenia. One day, he decided to take his group out for a hike in the hills behind the hospital, and noticed the peacefulness and relaxation the patients experienced while hiking, and see the views of the San Francisco Bay from (describe the location at the top of the hike.) He said the patients seemed to experience much less of the internal, distracting stimuli that interfered so greatly with their attempts to connect with others. All of his patients complete David's Evaluation of Therapy Session after each session. This tools encourages patients to rate the therapist's empathy and helpfulness and describe what they liked and disliked about the session. Phillip works with a wide range of individuals, and says that whether they are 10 years old suffering from shyness, or executives from a tech companies who are facing burnout, they often say that they feel more open, honest and willing to go deeper when hiking in nature, than when they are being treated back in his office or on zoom. He pointed out that these days, a great many individuals coping with mental illness end up being "treated" in jails, which are frightening and actually intensify the symptoms of schizophrenia. Phillip has a special tenderness and compassion for individuals with schizophrenia because his younger brother struggles with this affliction. However, his "hiking" therapy is not limited to individuals with schizophrenia, but adults and families with the full range of emotional challenges, such as depression and anxiety. He explained how he integrates the four elements of TEAM: T = Testing, E = Empathy, A = Assessment of Resistance, and M = Methods while hiking with his patients / clients. He also discussed some of the ethical considerations, and how to gently create boundaries so that his patients will understand that this is a professional relationship in a natural setting. Phillip is convinced, and probably right, that a beautiful and peaceful outdoor environment actually facilitates treatment and speeds recovery. Here are some photos from his hikes. just to give you an idea of what his special "office" looks like. It's a bit different from the analyst's couch!       Take a look at this incredibly cute video of "talking turkey" on one of his hikes! [videopress McaWCx7u]

Ask David: Questions on self-esteem, recovery from PTSD, dating people with Borderline Personality Disorder, recovery on your own, and more! Jay asks: Is psychotherapy homework still required if you’ve recovered completely from depression in a single, extended therapy session? Is Ten Days to Self-Esteem better than the single chapter on this topic in Feeling Good? Are people who were abused emotionally when growing up more likely to get involved with narcissistic or borderline individuals later in life because the relationship is “familiar?” Many patients can read your books and do the exercises and recover on their own. Is a teacher or coach sometimes needed to speed things up? Is it possible for a person to become happy WITHOUT needing anyone else if they have had depression in past and/or PTSD? Also, how would Team-CBT address treating PTSD? PTSD can involve a person having multiple traumas. * * * Is psychotherapy homework still required if you’ve recovered completely from depression in a single, extended therapy session? Thanks, Jay, I will make this an Ask david, if that is okay, but here is my quick response. Although many folks now show dramatic changes in a single, two-hour therapy session, they will still have to do homework to cement those gains, including: Listening to or watching the recording of the session Finish on paper any Daily Mood Log that was done primarily in role-playing during the session. In other words, write the Positive thoughts, rate the belief, and re-rate the belief in the corresponding negative thought. Use the Daily Mood Log in the future whenever you get upset and start to have negative thoughts again. I also do Relapse Prevention Training following the initial dramatic recovery, and this takes about 30 minutes. I advise the patient that relapse, which I define as one minute or more of feeling crappy, is 100% certain, and that no human being can be happy all the time. We all hit bumps in the road from time to time. When they do relapse, their original negative thoughts will return, and they will need to use the same technique again that worked for them the first time they recovered. In addition, they will have certain predictable thoughts when they relapse, like “this proves that the therapy didn’t rally work,” or “this shows that I really am a hopeless case,” or worthless, etc. I have them record a role-play challenging these thoughts with the Externalization of Voices, and do not discharge them until they can knock all these thoughts out of the park. I tell them to save the recording, and play it if they need it when they relapse. I also tell them that if they can’t handle the relapse, I’ll be glad to give them a tune up any time they need it. I rarely hear from them again, which is sad, actually, since I have developed a fondness for nearly all the patients I’ve ever treated. But I’d rather lose them quickly to recovery, than work with them endlessly because they’re not making progress! People with Relationship Problems recover more slowly than individuals with depression or anxiety for at least three reasons, and can rarely or never be treated effectively in a single two-hour session: The outcome and process resistance to change in people with troubled relationships is typically way more intense. It takes tremendous commitment and practice to get good at the five secrets of effective communication, in the same way that learning to play piano beautifully takes much commitment and practice. Resolving relationship conflicts usually requires the death of the “self” or “ego,” and that can be painful. That’s why the Disarming Technique can be so hard for most people to learn, and many don’t even want to learn it, thinking that self-defense and arguing and fighting back is the best road to travel! * * * Is Ten Days to Self-Esteem better than the single chapter on this topic in Feeling Good? Yes, Ten Days to Self-Esteem would likely be a deeper dive into the topic of Self-Esteem. It is a ten-step program that can be used in groups or individually in therapy, or as a self-help tool. There is a Leader’s Manual, too, for those who want to develop groups based on it. * * * Are people who were abused emotionally when growing up more likely to get involved with narcissistic or borderline individuals later in life because the relationship is “familiar?” I was involved with a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, and it was exhausting! Why was I attracted to her? Thank you for the question, Jay. Most claims about parents and childhood experiences, in my opinion, are just something somebody claimed and highly unlikely to be true if one had a really great data base to test the theory. We don’t really know why people are attracted to each other. Many men do seem attracted to women with Borderline Personality Disorder. Perhaps it’s exciting and dramatic dynamic that they’re attracted to, and perhaps it’s appealing to try to “help” someone who seems wounded. Good research on topics like this would be enormously challenging, and people would just ignore the results if not in line with their own thinking. Our field is not yet very scientific, but is dominated by “cults” and people who believe, and who desperately want to believe, things that are highly unlikely, in my opinion, to be true. I do quite a lot of data analysis using a sophisticated statistical modeling program called AMOS (the Analysis of Moment Structures) created by Dr. James Arbuckle from Temple University in Philadelphia, someone I admire tremendously. This program does something called structural equation modeling. In the typical analysis, the program tells you that your theory cannot possibly be true, based on your data. If you are brave, this can lead to radical changes in how you think and see things, especially if you are not “stuck” in your favored theories. But this type of analysis is not for the faint of heart. All the best, David Here is Jay’s follow-up email: HI Dr. Burns, As you know A LOT of people attribute their present problems (depression / anxiety / relationship conflicts / addictions) to their "abusive" or "toxic" relationship with their parents. It is interesting that it seems some people internalize negative beliefs about themselves based on what their parents said to them on a consistent basis. But it seems you are saying the data does not support that theory. Jay Thanks, Jay, I’m glad you responded again. There may be some truth to those kinds of theories. We know, for example, that abused or feral cats often have trouble with trust. So, we don’t want to trivialize the pain and the horrors that many humans and animals alike endure. At the same time, people are eager to jump onto theories that “sound right” to them and serve their purposes, and most of these theories are not based on sound research. Here are two examples from my own research. I tested, in part, the theory that depression comes from bad relationships, and also that addictions result from emotional problems. I examined the causal relationships between depression on the one hand and troubled vs happy relationships with loved ones on the other hand in several hundred patients during the first 12 weeks of treatment at my clinical in Philadelphia, and published it in top psychology journal for clinical research. (will include link) That was because there were at the time two warring camps—those who said that a lack of loving and satisfying relationships causes depression, and those who said it was the other way around, that depression leads to troubled relationships. And the third group said it worked both ways. My study indicated that although troubled relationships were correlated with depression, there were NO causal links in either direction. Instead, the statistical models strongly hinted that an unobserved, third variable had causal effects on both simultaneously. This is the only paper in the world literature that I am aware of that has tested the causal links between intimacy and depression, but because the results did not satisfy anyone, the paper is rarely or never quoted, and did not seem to influence those who were advocates of one or the other theories. As they say, wrong theories die hard. Here’s the reference: Burns, D. D., Sayers, S. S., & Moras, K. (1994). Intimate Relationships and Depression: Is There a Causal Connection? Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 62(5): 1033 - 1042. I also looked at the causal links between all kinds of emotional problems and all kinds of addictions in 178 or so patients admitted to the psychiatric inpatient unit of the Stanford Hospital. I was unable to confirm any significant causal links between depression, anxiety, loneliness, anger, and so forth and any kind of addiction (overeating, drugs, alcohol, etc.) The only possible causal link I could find was a small causal link of depression on reducing the tendency to binge or overeat. This was a secondary and unpublished analysis of data I collected in validating my EASY diagnostic system. I don’t mean to encourage insensitivity to suffering or and I don’t want to stop or stifle creative thinking about the causes of depression and anxiety and addictions. I simply want to emphasize that the causes of depression, and most other emotional problems, are still totally unknown. That is a very simple statement, but it seems to me that most folks don’t “get it,” or don’t want to hear it. Maybe we all want to explain things, or blame others, or think of ourselves as “experts,” or perhaps we feel uneasy with thinking that we don’t yet know the causes of most psychiatric problems, like depression and anxiety or troubled relationships. It may be comforting to think we do know the causes of negative feelings or human conflict. This is my thinking only, and I’m often off base! Tell me what you think. David

Today’s emotional and inspiring podcast features Mary Stockton, an Level 3 certified TEAM therapist living in Ohio and her daughter, Elizabeth Stockton Perkins, who is 19 years old and a sophomore at Vassar College. They give testament to how the Five Secrets of Effective Communication have transformed their relationship as mother and daughter, as well as their relationships with others. Mary said that the Five Secrets changed her life personally and professionally, and that the tools have been “life-changing.” Mary was first introduced to the Five Secrets of Effective Communication when she attended one of David’s training workshops in 2002 entitled, “And It’s All Your Fault!” However, she did not really dive in and use the techniques until 2017 when she received additional TEAM-CBT training from Rhonda, Jill Levitt, Daniel Mintie, Matt May, and Thai-An Truong. Mary introduced Elizabeth to the Five Secrets when Elizabeth was a junior in high school, and Elizabeth began to use these tools with friends and also in her baby sitting. Mary said it has transformed their relationship, because previously she had been addicted to “helping,” rescuing, advising and problem solving, habits which often prevent closeness in relationships. David pointed out that many if not most mental health professionals, including many reading this at this moment, have been trained in these misguided “helping” methods, and are not even aware of it, or how unhelpful that “helping” can be. The relationship between Mary and Elizabeth is wonderful testament to the power of the Five Secrets. Mary said that using the Five Secrets in their relationship provides them with a wonderful framework that they share and enjoy. Elizabeth said they have zero other-blame or self-blame in their relationship, and that they routinely get a fun, positive charge from the Five Secrets. Elizabeth discussed a distressful situation when Mary responded to her using the Five Secrets and she felt supported, comforted and empowered. She was struggling with negative thoughts and feelings about her body image, telling herself on the one hand that “I should be bird boned and be a size 2 and be super skinny,” while at the same time telling herself, “I should be a strong feminist and not give in to these societal messages about what a woman should be like.” Because her mom relied on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication and other TEAM skills, Elizabeth suddenly found that she could open up about feelings she'd been hiding, and their relationship changed dramatically. Elizabeth suddenly found that she could open up about feelings she’d been hiding out of a sense of shame, and felt love and accepted. She said that “mom was the first person I’d been able to open up with. I felt relief that I didn’t have to defend myself.” Elizabeth cried when she described the gratitude she felt when she had the chance to be open and accepted, especially when she described her concern about being a good role model for two younger friends. They also described how Mary used the TEAM process of Empathy, Positive Reframing, and Methods like the Externalization of Voices and Survey Technique to help Elizabeth escape from the self-critical thoughts that had trapped her. It was a beautiful experience just to witness the joy and love in their relationship. They also described a program on the Five Secrets that they presented for other teens and families. We explored how one might use the Five Secrets when interacting with someone on the other side of the political divide who is angrily proclaiming political views that are sharply different from, and opposed to, your own. This is a huge problem in our country right now, with so much focus on blame, labeling others, and wanting to proclaim and insist on your own “truths.” I have not done this podcast justice in my show notes. You’ll have to listen to “get it.” Mary, her elegant daughter Elizabeth, and the always wonderful and delightful Rhonda really hit it out of the park today. I deeply appreciated being included in this terrific experience, and hope you also enjoyed it! David

In today’s podcast, we focus on a request by Tommy, a podcast fan who asked for a podcast on how TEAM evolved from traditional CBT. So here it is! Hi Dr. Burns, I hope you're doing well! I just recently completed Feeling Great and found it incredibly helpful. I found the technique chart that offered specific techniques for each distortion to be incredibly valuable and I've incorporated it into all my Daily Mood Logs. I've also listened to every podcast and have been already exposed to nearly all of the content within the book, but the book did such an elegant job of simplifying everything and putting it into context. I've already gifted it to several family members and am eagerly awaiting the audio version so I can gift it to my grandfather, a psychodynamic therapist of 30 some odd years who's vision impaired. I think he'll really get a lot out of it! Beyond the well-deserved praise, I'm emailing because I just listened to your post recent podcast episode (222) with Dr. Barovsky and you asked for any suggestions the audience might have concerning future episodes. There were two things that you mentioned that made me think an episode on the evolution of TEAM might be really cool and insightful. You mentioned that TEAM was specifically developed to deal with borderline personality patients that you saw at PENN and you also described an interaction with a stranger in California who approached you that inspired the concept of fractal therapy (at least that's how I understood that interaction). I think it would be incredibly interesting if you gave a sort of chronology of TEAM and what problems some of the core components were intended to solve. Obviously, I wouldn't expect you to go through every technique. But some insight into how you came up with positive reframing, the magic dial, perhaps uncovering techniques, and whatever else you'd be willing to share. Besides being interesting, I think it would be valuable because it would provide greater insight into the TEAM processes through demonstrating how it's overcome some of the obstacles that traditional CBT was unable to overcome. Dr. Mark Noble's chapter in Feeling Great led me to think quite a bit about this, particularly where he described how TEAM is really the ideal therapeutic structure from a neurological standpoint. Certainly you didn't just stumble into TEAM and I for one would find anything you'd be willing to discuss on this topic really interesting! Thank you again for everything you do. Best, Tommy Hi Tommy Here are some historical highlights in my thinking. In the podcast I will describe them and dialogue with Rhonda, but in no particular order. Thanks for the great suggestion, and hope you enjoy the podcast. Rhonda also mentioned how the empathy piece evolved, and we discussed that! Psychotherapy homework: Early research and clinical observations on psychotherapy homework and recovery from depression; how I published research on this topic and decided to make patients accountable. Helping: The man who I called at home twice every time he called me with some emergency one weekend, and my conversation with Dr. Wendy Dryden from England. The beauty of depression: The businessman who thought he was responsible for the death of his stepson. The universal importance of Positive Reframing: The time jill said she wished we’d done positive reframing during her session. Fears of therapists that keep them stuck: My observation through supervising psychology and psychiatry graduate students, as well as teaching workshops, how really hard it is for the vast majority of therapists to give up because of their addiction to helping and their intense fears of making patients accountable. Suddenly understanding “resistance.” The meeting of the Stanford voluntary faculty on teaching, and I mentioned making the concept of “resistance” more understandable for the psychiatric residents. They didn’t seem interested, and then I found the answer in a dream. Creating techniques with more “oomph:” The first method I created, Externalization of Voices, how this was inspired by my experiences in psychodrama marathons when I was a medical student. Giving up on “non-specific” techniques: The elderly depressed man who ran up to 12 miles a day. Therapeutic Empathy: What I learned from Stirling Moorey, and how I set up an empathy training program along with a scale to assess empathy after every therapy session. Rhonda and David

Many of you will recall one of our most popular and amazing podcasts of all, the recording of the live therapy with Michael at the Atlanta intensive last year. In today’s recording, which was recorded for a different purpose, Dr. Michael recalls his entire experience that day, with many teaching points. Although I was AT the Atlanta intensive doing the therapy, with the help of my co-therapist, Thai-An Truong, I was fascinated and enlightened by this interviews because: Michael was incredibly warm, genuine and openness. The summary shows clearly and exactly how TEAM therapy works. He recounts not only his recovery, but also how was unexpectedly catapulted into what, by my understanding, is best described as “enlightenment.” Or something awfully darn close to it! He reminds us that even after one has recovered and experienced “enlightenment,” we are still human and never immune to the occasional return of negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity and self-doubt, which are now, for Michael, short-lived! I just got Rhonda’s response after she listened to this recording for the first time. Here’s what she said: I forgot to tell you that I listened to the 30-minute recording of Michael's reflections and I loved it. I think it would be a great podcast. He did a wonderful job summarizing the work, and how it impacted him at various stages. I liked how he included his skepticism and his awe in recovery. Warmly, Rhonda and David PS Rhonda and I are convinced that successful personal work is a necessary part of therapist training. When you’ve done your own work, you are no longer just a “technician,” but a healer, because you can tell your patients, “I know you feel because I’ve been there myself, and I know how painful and lonely that can be. And I’m really excited to show you the way out of the woods, too, so you can get back to feelings of joy and self-esteem, so you can wake up in the morning and say that’s it’s GREAT to be alive!”

We have not had the chance to do a really good podcast on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication recently, so Rhonda and I jumped at the chance to do a podcast with a local executive we will call “Valentina” who is facing a severe challenge. How can she respond effectively to a ton of her colleagues who responded critically and angrily to one her first emails since being place in a top leadership role at work? They said that her email was harsh and accusatory, and sounded adversarial and provocative, and didn’t give a feeling of partnership or appreciation for all the hard work they were doing. Yikes! That’s pretty tough. And yet, my philosophy—in therapy, in family conflicts, and in work settings as well—is that your worst failure can often be your greatest opportunity in disguise. Is this true? Or just pie in the sky? Rhonda and I do a lot of role-playing and role reversals to (hopefully) show Valentina how to transform a humiliating professional failure into an enormous success. We’ll let you know how it works after we get some feedback from Valentina. We are both deeply indebted to Valentina for her courage in allowing us to talk about a problem that most of us encounter from time to time. I often receive harsh criticism, so I know how anxiety provoking it can be, especially when the criticisms come from authority figures! Valentina was wonderful to work with, and said she felt happiness and a sense of peace at the end of the podcast. It was great to see that! Let us know what you think about today’s podcast, and your own philosophy of how to respond to criticism skillfully and effectively. We alluded to, but did not delve deeply, into the opposite philosophy of arguing, defending yourself, and never apologizing. We’ve seen a lot of that in the past year on the evening news every day. Did the approach we modeled on today’s show seem inspiring and awesome? Or foolish and self-defeating? Thanks for listening! We hope you enjoyed today’s podcast and maybe learned something useful. For more information on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, you can check out my book, Feeling Good Together, available in paperback on Amazon. Warmly, David and Rhonda

At the start of today’s podcast, we got an update on the Feeling Great app from Jeremy Karmel. We are looking for one or more programmers who might like to join our project. Our goal is to create the first electronic tool that can outperform human therapists, and some super promising preliminary data suggests we may be on the right path to make this happen. We are looking for talented engineers and designers who would share our passion for this incredible dream. If you are interested, contact Jeremy@FeelingGreatapp.com Today we are joined by our beloved and brilliant colleague, Dr. Jill Levitt to ask two questions: Can the “self” be judged? Does the “self” exist? We got quite a bit of positive feedback to a recent Ask David Podcast that included a question about Buddhism, but people said they wanted more on the topic of the “great death” of the self. Bottom line was this: You can judge your own or someone else’s specific thoughts and actions, but you cannot judge your (or somebody else’s) “self.” The question, “does the ‘self’ exist,” is meaningless. The goal of therapy is not to get promoted from the “worthless” to the “worthwhile” category, but to reject these categories as having no meaning. David argues that it is impossible to feel depressed without the distortions of Overgeneralization and Labeling—that where you jump from a specific flaw or problem, like getting rejected by your boyfriend to some abstract label or judgment, like thinking you are “unloveable.” We also used the real-life example of David responding to criticisms that he was too harsh with Steven Hayes on Episode 220. We show how TEAM therapy works, and illustrate several techniques for crushing the Negative Thoughts that lead to the painful negative thoughts that including Overgeneralization and Labeling, including: Empathy Positive Reframing Externalization of Voices Be Specific Acceptance Paradox Feared Fantasy We also focused on the concept of “laughing enlightenment,” a key Buddhist concept, along with the “great death” of the self. When you lose your “self,” you actually lose nothing, because there was nothing there in the first place. This is a kind of cosmic joke. But you inherit the world and gain liberation from your suffering, along with great joy, and of course, sadness as well. We also summarized the thinking of Ludwig Wittgenstein, arguably the greatest philosopher of all time, and how his sudden insight when a soccer ball hit him in the head transformed the history of philosophy. He was an extremely lonely man who had numerous episodes of depression, and never attempted to publish anything when he was alive, because only a handful of students and colleagues could understand what he was trying to say. This was intensely frustrating to him, because his message was so simple, clear, and basic—and yet the great philosophers could not grasp it. The Buddha had the same problem. The book, Philosophical Investigations was published in 1950, right after his death. It is just a series of numbered paragraphs, or brief comments, on different everyday themes, like bricklayers, string, games, and so forth. It is was based on a metal box they found under his bed, which contained notes from his weekly seminars at Cambridge. Many people, including myself, consider it as the greatest book in the history of philosophy, and think of Wittgenstein as the man who killed, or ended, philosophy. According to Wikipedia, the famed British philosopher, Bertrand Russell, described Wittgenstein as "perhaps the most perfect example I have ever known of genius as traditionally conceived; passionate, profound, intense, and dominating." Although Wittgenstein did not focus emotional problems, his solution to all the problems of philosophy is very similar to cognitive therapy. Here is the parallel: You don’t try to solve the classic “free will” problem. Instead, you see through it and give it up as nonsensical, as language that's "out of gear," so to speak. Once you “see this,” and understand why it is true, it is incredibly liberating. But it can be a lonely experience, because you suddenly “see” something super-obvious that seems to be invisible to 99.9% of humans. It's as if you had a "third eye," and could see something incredible that people with only two eyes cannot see. By the same token, when you suddenly “see” that the idea that you have a “self” which could be “superior” or “inferior” is nonsensical, it is also incredibly liberating. This, in fact, is the cognitive therapy version of spiritual “enlightenment.” And that's also one of the goals of the TEAM-CBT that my collegues and I have created. Jill, Rhonda, and David