Emsolation

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We are all about the giant wang in the Netflix series ‘Sex/Life’ in this episode of Emsolation, but before we usher in the ‘hefty in his pants’ chat, we should probs start this description with some bad news first. The bad news can begin by acknowledging the hateful warlock who clearly must have decided, rather mysteriously, to curse Em many eons ago when it comes to technology (I‘m seeing a creepy, dusty, man cave style castle, a withered, spiteful old bearded dude, some shitty, centuries old, spell casting book, and a twisted, anger filled, magic wand, that’s fully been built for casting totes shitty spells with) anyway this crappy warlock has fully decided to render Em unable to be around any technology. So much so that said tech just immediately does everything in its technological power to thwart her from ever having a successful operation of its inner workings. Hence the recording of this episode is riddled with technical problems, you’ll get a full explain on what happened once you start listening. Once that’s sorted, then it’s on to all that was recoverable from the audio we could save, and that’s where the good news kicks in. That’s mostly because what we did manage to rescue actually covers off a bunch of wang chat and a bit of Britney chat too. So whilst this episode is shorter than what you normally get from our podcast, it does contain all the best bits of what was talked about during the recording. Thankfully, the unexpected arrival of a big willy on screen (which is from about 19.59 to 20.10 in episode 3) of the new Netflix series ‘Sex/Life’, shook Em so much that her discussion with Michael about the surprise schlong is extensive and detailed. It covers everything, from is it a real one or an expertly fashioned stick on ding-a-ling, where Em was when maximum manhood was revealed on her TV screen, to how she reacted once it leapt into her eye holes. Then it moves onto a chat about how casting peeps might have reacted to the unveiling of the penis shaped python, all the way through to a very special heftily hung inspired Hamilton musical performance on the fly. Basically THIS is the ONLY conversation worthy of your ears when it comes to reflecting ‘Sex/Life’ the TV show. So probs don’t listen while the kids are around, unless you wanna step into a conversation with your offspring to explain how it is possible for two 30 plus adults to deliver that many juvenile pickle puns and assorted johnson jokes over such an extended period of time. Finally we drop in on the revelations revealed when Britney Spears stepped into court to contest her conservatorship last week. Em and Michael both feel everything that needs to be said about it, has already been said. The only thing they really wanna reflect is the abhorrent behavior of everyone involved, that her story might help other women who have had an IUD inserted against their will, especially those with disabilities, and also if Britney might one day reveal if she really was sending coded messages in her instagram posts to alert people to her situation. So now that you’re fully forewarned, unlike everyone who had donkey sized dong flashed in their face unawares, please put on your listening devices and get around it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Grow some? We can assure you that our undergrowth is fully grown, in fact we are rocking a full 70’s bush for this edition of Emsolation, it’s totally whipper snipper worthy and ready to deflect any clapbacks from sassy political siblings. Speaking of politics, we’re ushering in a bonanza of political palaver to kick start this episode, starting with the “how the hell is he back” return of Barnaby Joyce. Yep, the politician who helped usher in the bonk ban after sleeping with his media adviser and getting her pregnant and ultimately resigned from his ministerial and leadership roles with the National Party after that was revealed, along with accusations of sexual harassment, has somehow managed to have himself re-installed back in charge again after ANOTHER leadership spill. So situation normal for Australian Politics. Naturally Em and Michael have a lot to work through, from the car crash that was his swearing in ceremony, that saw Scomo dialing in via video conference while under home quarantine just 5 kilometres away at the Lodge. To Barnaby’s son attempting to gatecrash his official photoshoot with the PM and the Governor General, only to be stopped by Barnaby placing a not so discreet hand on his head to keep him out of shot. Michael also needs to see if the Unicorn of Death thinks any of this will affect Scomo come election time. While you process Em’s prediction, we’ll be tackling the news of the growing coronavirus cluster in Sydney. While Victoria seems to go into lockdown at the mention of the word Covid, Sydney seems to be a hell of a lot looser, with having a dance and going to the gym still being on the have at it list, go figure. Obviously all the chat about Sydney means we’ve gotta talk about Gladys Berejiklian AND Em’s newest obsession, her younger sister Mary. Thanks to Mary’s efforts on social media, we now know Gladys is dating the prominent barrister who represented her during an anti corruption inquiry into her disgraced former lover. Mary’s Instagram post of Gladys talking with Arthur Moses SC and it’s caption “After work Friday feels with these two…Glad and her boo” helped expose everything. Mary’s also not shy when it comes to clapping back at those who come after her sister online, in fact her post telling a Gladys hater to “grow some pubes” helped inspire the title of this episode. Finally, just to ensure we stay in the political realm, we’ll wrap things up with a chat about Justin and Hailey Bieber’s visit with French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife Brigitte, and even squeeze in a Lovenundrum from an Emsolation listener. This Lovenundrum doesn’t just come with advice from Em and Michael, this time around we also call in Em’s eldest daughter Chella to offer her thoughts too, so expect varying results and recommendations, and strangely enough, lots of Dawson's Creek references and even a shoutout for Michael's partner Adrian. So get ready for some icky sticky politics stuff and lots of love action too, huzzah. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay today's episode is A LOT...so you can rest assured that our standard operating procedures are all down pat and we are delivering the glitter soaked goods. We’ve got some problematic stuff to cover off within this episode, so to get things underway, Em and Michael are just gonna dive face first into the latest Bennifer news (or Jenjamin for those that prefer the updated version of their celebrity couple name) because HUZZAH we’ve got an actual video of them swapping their famous mouth parts in full display at Nobu. Naturally this kind of upload was forwarded to Em by Michael IMMEDIATELY, with strict instructions in all caps for her to view it. So not only will you get the full breakdown of how it was received by Em, but there’s also chat around who else was at the table while they were getting their snog on, what this all means, plus all of the questions, like has Jen forced Ben to remove his horrendo rising phoenix back tattoo, to Michael wondering what their wedding might be like, cue Em actually short circuiting about that thought. There’s even a rogue comment about slipping into a comfy pair of trackie dacks that kind of goes a smidge off track too. You’re gonna love ALL of it. Then we have to tackle the recent apology from Chrissy Teigen, about her past habit of sending horrendous abusive and toxic tweets and messages to a stack of peeps, including Lindsay Lohan, a star of the reality show ‘Teen Mom’, and a 16 year old girl who’d married a 51 year old actor. This is a conversation Em and Michael have attempted to tackle previously, but never followed through on because it's so problematic, plus online cancel culture is such a hectic chat. This time around though, we are going all in, and whilst Em and Michael are all about genuine apologies and owning your own crap, they’re not about performative apologies that ring a little bit hollow. It’s a complex topic and they’re not about to solve anything with this conversation, but you will certainly have a heap of thoughts and feels to process after you’ve heard it. Finally it’s over to Michael for the rundown on Scomo’s friendship with a full-tilt QAnon devotee, as revealed in a Four Corners episode during the week, and his recent choice to pose outside a British pub whilst visiting the UK. Em’s avoided all of it, so if you’re unaware of what's been going down, prepare for a full update from Michael, that's occasionally interrupted with the usual gasps and expert commentary you’d expect from Em. It’s well known that Em loves a conspiracy theory, but she’s not about to sign up to anything like the stuff that QAnon are peddling. So slip into your favourite comfy trackie dacks and get your listen on when you’re ready for the full experience of this week's episode. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In case you missed it earlier in the week, one of New Zealand's favourite musical exports somehow managed to break the internet. Obviously if you are reading this on your phone it means the internet wasn’t actually broken for long, in all truth, it wasn’t broken at all, but we all know how news and gossip sites like to oversell and exaggerate things. So for the unaware, on Monday when singer, songwriter extraordinaire Lorde, decided to tease new music coming in 2021, by dropping a picture of her butt, in all it’s glorious cover art detail, the internet apparently lost its collective mind. Doesn’t take much does it? Obviously Em and Michael have deep feels for all that Lorde does musically, so the arrival of her butt, as seen from below as it flies through the air, to announce a new album, was enough to send both of them into a picture sharing frenzy of SMS chat and excitement. So to get things started Em and Michael devote a few minutes to talking about Lorde’s glorious butt reveal for her forthcoming album ‘Solar Power’. Is it a climate change anthem, is this better than Billie Eilish’s recent Vogue cover reveal and what exactly would it look like if Em decided to tackle the cover herself, all these questions do get answered. Then we move onto the comedy special that everyone is raving about, Bo Burnham’s ‘Inside’ on Netflix. To say that Em and Michael were shook by ‘Inside’ is an understatement, the music, the lighting, the songs, the unrelenting lockdown feels, it is so epic on so many levels. So if you’re yet to indulge and give it a viewing, expect to be inundated with half a bajillion reasons why you should put it in front of your eye holes immediately. Finally we step into the murky world of conspiracy theories again, but this time around it’s a lot closer to home. This one involves Victorian Liberals treasury spokesperson, Louise Staley, who issued a press release on Monday (the same day the internet was supposedly broken by Lorde...does that mean her bottom is somehow involved in the moon landing of Bill Gates with his 5G DNA samples...kidding hehe) anyway Louise’s press release included a list of 12 “unanswered” questions about Dan Andrews back injury. It basically set the cats amongst the conspiracy pigeons (are they even a thing?) and ended up meaning Ambulance Victoria had to release a press statement about Dan’s injury. It also turns out Em was actually in the hospital the same time as Dan, so all the receipts are coming home to roost with those cooing conspiracy pigeons, meh this pigeon idiom just got fully weird. We also find out more info on Hot Auslan Guy and a conspiracy theory Em and Michael suggested in our previous episode, PLUS MIchael got the vaccine jab, so strap yourself in for a very busy ride that starts with butt chat and ends with a tiny prick, see what we did there, okay carry on. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Our title might suggest that this podcast is trying to slide into your DM’s for some sexy time, or that this Emsolation episode is just wall to wall “booty call” chat...but there’s only one reference to it. Before that reference makes an appearance though, there’s time for some cake chat (mmmm now I wanna eat cake), then it’s on to lockdown life in Victorian for a 4th time. Aside from the top to toe clean Em’s house is experiencing, the only other thing we have to cling to is the daily Covid press conferences, featuring appearances from the rather dishy Victorian Health Minister, Brett Sutton, and the other pervable sensation of 2020, HOT Auslan guy. They’re both back on our screens offering up their version of sexy for Em and Michael to drool over. Naturally if you aren’t in Victoria you’re probably going to have to do an online search for Brett Sutton and the Hot Auslan Guy, if you haven’t already. That discussion helps usher in some thoughts from Michael around his 20’s and also how lockdown has inspired a rush to get vaccinated. That means Em and Michael suddenly find themselves doing a bit of vaccine chat, and as we all know, there’s nothing problematic about that conversation EVER, is there? Well actually, YES, there is a LOT of problematic around that convo, especially on social media, and Em and Michael aren’t afraid to talk about it and break it all down. We also asked you what you wanted us to chat about on the show in our Instagram stories, and it seems most of you were mad keen on getting to the bottom of the negative reaction the media and officials had to Naomi Osaka’s decision to pull out of press conferences at the French Open. Em gets a chance to show off how tennis she is, talks about the pressure of media conferences and being in the spotlight, and even tries to list all the tennis players she knows, turns out way more than she thought. Finally, we touch on why Michael’s name isn’t on the Emsolation branding and we also gotta talk about the Cruella de Vil origin story that Disney have just released in cinemas and online. It’s called ‘Cruella’ and stars Emma Stone and Emma Thompson, safe to say both Em and Michael are LIVING for it, with Em fully peaking. The critics have been a smidge dismissive in their reviews, but Em and Michael are having none of that, in fact, Em is so inspired by what she saw on screen, that she’s been trying to work out how she can factor a cape with a fiery reveal into her day to day life. So settle in for a whirlwind ride from cake, all the way to campery, once again, standard, hugs. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

After spending last week's episode delving into ye olde STI’s, it would seem our old mate Coronavirus was feeling totes left out, so it’s just gone out and slapped us with its own low key super spreader event in Melbourne, because of course it has. The fact that Em and her band are just days away from FINALLY getting back on the road, clearly means sweet buggery all to the bane of 2020 and beyond that is Covid19. There’s naturally no need to place any bets on if the Unicorn of Death will canter out to call it for a snap lockdown, she’s already bolted from the stable and frightened the barnyard chickens by saying it's happening and the Magical Seahorse of Hope has resigned himself to coming along for the ride. There’s a tiny meltdown about what this means for touring performers and all the people that are employed to help deliver us these much needed artistic escapes. Michael tries to help, by looking for a brightside, but fails miserably, at the very least he may have helped develop another name for a forthcoming tour, or book title or True Hollywood Story from Em. Then it’s all about the sequins, jockstraps and other random such and such, that is, the 2021 Eurovision contest, although Em and Michael aren’t as impressed with the level of wackness that Eurovision seems to be delivering on the regular now. It all seems a bit too polished and profesh, and even more weirdly, some of the songs are actually really good, which NEVER used to be the case. There is however LOTS to discuss, from the UK entrant, to the winning country of Italy and the accusations of rampant on camera booger sugar abuse. Em has all of the thoughts worth entertaining, she also still has her dream of making her Eurovision debut as well, but obvs her on stage scenario will be more in keeping with old school Eurovision feels. Once we’ve worked through that super detailed fever dream, we still have time to talk the big Throuple alert of the week...is that kind of alert a thing yet? It is now, after the internet frothed out over pictures that seemed to show a three way smooch happening between New Zealand's favourite movie guru and funny guy, Taika Waititi, Hollywood actor Tessa Thompson, and UK singer Rita Ora. Em and Michael were understandably excited by the theories and thoughts the photos have created, but they aren’t about to call it as worthy of applying official throuple status to just yet. Finally, Michael seems to have developed an obsession for a singer who’s waaaay too young for his ears, and Em isn’t afraid to call him out on it. Michael’s connection and passion for 18 year old Olivia Rodrigo’s debut album ‘Sour’, is something Em can’t and won’t support and she’s definitely not having it. Find out why, plus experience an eerily accurate performance from Em of how a lot of up and coming female performers are now approaching the art of singing, it’s truly haunting and well worth a listen. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Stand back everyone, because this episode comes with added ye olde sexually transmitted diseases chat. It would seem that Melbourne is currently experiencing a syphilis outbreak, who knew...apparently a LOT of you did, because you flooded our DM’s demanding we talk about it, hence it’s time to sanitize your ears and dive right in because Em has done a syphilis deep dive (which sounds like a slang way of describing casual sex in 16th century Europe) anyway, now she is filled to the brim and ready to dump a bunch of syphilis facts into our brains. Before we get into the syphilitic stats though, we’ve got a bit of Dad chat from Em and Michael, then it's onto the news that Melbourne’s rate of syphilis infections has nearly doubled in the last 4 years. Together Em and Michael will walk us through all the horrific facts about the outbreak, like how it appears, but also doesn’t really very much at all and how leaving it untreated has terrible consequences. They also manage to squeeze in a stack of different scenarios from a Brett Sutton reference, to details of super spreader syphilis events and hot spots, as well as orgy warnings, a family tree of your sexual conquests, and Em wanting to take on the job of contact tracing. They also manage to rope Daniel Andrews back in front of the cameras for a super spreader press conference. After that we’re ushering in the latest list of what we’re watching with Michael offering up the challenging but epic series from Amazon ‘The Underground Railroad’ plus his adulation for Kate Winslet’s new series ‘Mare of Easttown’ continues. Em’s latest must watch list includes a Tina Fey series that she initially didn’t rate after seeing the first episode, but she’s all apologies now. You’ll hear that apology as well as a proper rundown on why the new series ‘Girls 5 Eva’ on Stan is actually dumb, but it’s also funny and the songs are utterly hilarious. Then we check in on the new series from Ryan Murphy (who created Glee, Nip/Tuck, American Horror Story, Feud, Hollywood and sooo many more) on Netflix called ‘Halston’. Prepare yourself for Em to go full froth and spiral out of control on this show because it's got all of the things that make Em go giddy, like amazing fashion and fashion parades, Liza Minelli, incredible sets, gays, orgies, and LOTS of up the bum action. So don’t watch this one with the kids, or do, but do it how Em watches it with her kids, her tips on how to do that are within. It’s the kind of TV review any TV show creator would ache for, and I’m pretty sure even Netflix would be excited by it, although they may be a smidge shocked by it too. As for us, well, we know what to expect when Em is fully on board and getting all her boxes ticked, so get ready for another “is she having a stroke” moment and maximum LOLs within. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, first up we should acknowledge the over supply of Jennifers in the title of this episode. Truth be told, there’s definitely NOT a thousand Jennifers in this podcast, sure we mention a few of them, but it’s more like they just pop up when we least expect them, which naturally inspired the title. Before we usher in the first of our Jennifers though, we apparently need to check in on Michaels recently installed temple to tampons and sanitary pads, it’s a bit of gay guy gloat though, so Em obviously calls it out and claps back. Then it’s onto the bulk of the Jennifer action as we check in on all the latest developments in the world of Jennifer Lopez, aka J’Lo, aka Jenny from the Block, aka Bennifer. That last one seems to have been resurrected from the gossip grave of 2004 because Jen and Ben (Affleck) have been seen spending even more time together. That ushers in all the theories Em and Michael can muster, which means we cover everything from if they are together, is it a stunt, why we’re so invested in Bennifer, how they met, other Jennifers, a weird Gwyneth Paltrow tangent, a J’Lo insider who sent DM’s to Em, the music videos, how Jennifer's butt predates the Kardashians derriere domination (which also inspired an episode title that was ultimately rejected) all the way through to an interesting suggestion from Michael and a statement that ultimately proves very telling for Em. Then Michael assumes the role of Jana Wendt and goes in deep with all the right questions around Em’s recent ADHD diagnosis (now that we think about it, we fully missed the opportunity to add to the roster of Jennifers by getting him to go all Jennifer Keyte or Jennifer Byrne on the questions instead...doh). Together they’ll work through Em’s recent Facebook post about it, what inspired her to get tested, what the testing involved, how Em tried to trick the testing, the shame she felt around the diagnosis, the treatment and medication she’s now using, the changes she’s had to make, how much Em achieved without that diagnosis and treatment, what's working for her and even a moment of reflection on who she might have been if she’d been diagnosed earlier. There’s a lot to process, and it’s still early days, but ultimately we’re all thankful for who Em is, and proud of her for always being so open about what she thinks, feels and wants to share with us. To wrap things up in this bumper issue of Emsolation, we’ll see it all out with a HUGE Madonna Expert Off between Michael and Em’s other die hard Madge fan, Dan Brophy. As quiz master, Em will test them across 20 super niche Madonna questions to see who is the ultimate fan girl for the Queen of Pop. So prepare for lots of Jennifer, an ADHD deep dive and a Madonna quiz worth getting shouty about...and one very loud moment of table slapping from Michael….bless. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ever had a moment where you’re about to do something totes important, like say...another episode of your low key, but also hugely successful podcast, and suddenly it’s all CODE RED, you’re panic struck, wondering, am I destroying my fave pink and subtle grey leopard print jeans right now, whilst you casually spit out a rogue Japanese flag reference? Exactly, well maybe not exactly that, but, same feels and you get the picture...and you’ll also get the full lived experience in audio form within this episode as well. Aside from the blow-out, as beautifully articulated in real time by our fearless host Em Rusciano, there’s also Russian hackers to dismiss, the Queensland deputy premier Steven Miles to chat about, he accidentally called Scomo a right royal c-word at the Labour Day March in Brisbane when describing Scotty’s decision to attend the ‘Rockhampton Beef Week Annual Industry Awards’ instead of the rally. Michael has a technical glitch which inspires an impromptu musical performance from Em, then we encounter the red dot special scenario, then it’s back to ‘Beef Week’, there’s a perfectly placed pun, the shock and trauma that comes from agreeing with Andrew Bolt, and the horrific crisis unfolding in India. After that we move onto a Tik Tok post that exposed Ben Affleck’s rejection via the exclusive ‘none of us are invited’ celebrity Tinder app ‘Raya’. Naturally Em wants an invite, but only so she can friend all the celebs real hard, Ben Affleck leads us to J’Lo, which ushers in a chance for Em and Michael to catalogue all of her terrible life choices when it comes to men. We also find time to talk Billie Eilish debuting a brand new look on the cover of British Vogue, which unsurprisingly activates Michael’s Madonna nerd mode plus there’s Em’s cover debut on Stellar Magazine to reflect as well. Finally we tie it all together with a revisit to leak week to discuss how much Em’s vagina is going to come for her for using wads of toilet paper to shore up the blow out. So get ready for more hectic hilarity in your ears as soon as you press play. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices