The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast

In this episode, I discuss the top reasons marriage end, and break down what I believe are deal-breakers in each category: Infidelity Addiction Lack of support Communication issues Money problems Lack of individual identity Unrealistic expectations I also tell you about my wine-tasting vacation with my mom, and how my ex-husband helped me get a brand new $3,000 mattress FOR FREE!!! ********************** Mentioned in this episode: Al-Anon Family Groups How to ask directly for what you need around the house (plus scientific proof we do more work) If you think you're doing more in the house, and your husband says he's doing enough, use this Chore Audit to find out once and for all. Book a consult with me. ($50 non-refundable fee applies)

In this solo episode, I talk about coming out of a pretty dark depression, and then move on to how taking personal responsibility can be the most empowering thing you can do for yourself, your marriage, and your divorce. I tell the story of when I was in nursery school and was told to apologize and literally couldn't, do a pretty amazing impression of my mom, and tell a really personal story about what having been molested as a child taught me about personal responsibility and growth. Mentioned in this episode: The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron The Madwoman in the Volvo: My Year of Raging Hormones by Sandra Tsing Loh

Quentin Hafner, a dedicated Marriage and Family Therapist from Orange County, dissects the tough question of whether to stay or leave a marriage. He shares his six non-negotiables for healthy relationships and explores the three most common reasons people choose divorce. Intriguingly, he highlights the statistics behind marriage failures, particularly the role of women in ending relationships. Quentin’s insights on emotional fulfillment and the necessity of mutual support offer vital guidance for anyone grappling with marital dilemmas.

This week on the podcast, I interview Jessa Zimmerman, a licensed sex therapist and couples' counselor. Jessa specializes in helping couples who have a good relationship but who are avoiding sex because it's become stressful, negative, disappointing, or pressured. We had a great chat about whether or not an unfulfilling sex life is reason enough to end a marriage, and how to jumpstart it without it being too fucking awkward. We also talk about mis-matched libidos, the sexual avoidance cycle, porn and so much more! Needless to say, it's a juicy one! ******************** About Jessa: Jessa is a licensed sex therapist and couples' counselor. She specializes in helping couples who have a good relationship but who are avoiding sex because it's become stressful, negative, disappointing, or pressured. Jessa educates, coaches, and supports people as they go through her 9-phase experiential process that allows them real world practice in changing their relationship and their sex life. She does this work through in person therapy in her office in Seattle, online therapy for Washington residents, her Better Sex podcast, and her soon to be published book, Sex Without Stress. www.jessazimmerman.com www.bettersexpodcast.com www.sexhealthquiz.com Facebook group: www.seattlecouplescounselor.com/community Mentioned in this episode: David Schnarch – Passionate Marriage Esther Perel – Mating in Captivity

I brought my friend Deb Cooperman on to talk about what she calls her blended, extended upended family. When Deb met her ex husband, he had a one-year-old son, and in this episode she talks about the experience of co-parenting as a step-mom, and how her relationship with her ex, her step-son and his mom evolved over the course of their marriage, through their divorce, and beyond... Deb's story is one of what's possible when three or more people really do some hard work on themselves in order to get through the harder feelings and into acceptance, and even love. About Deb: Deb Cooperman is something of a "writing evangelist" – as a workshop leader, and founder of The Writer Babes, she's been inspiring and encouraging women to use the powerful but simple practice of writing for personal growth for over 15 years. That's because writing is the best tool she's found to help women stop the all-too-common knee-jerk habit of apologizing for nearly everything in their lives; to bust through perceived imperfections and 'not good enough's; recognize the messages and expectations they've internalized; shine a light on blind-spots, and help them claim their wisdom, strength, power, and intuition, and live more mindfully, intentionally, and awesomely. So if you've watched a boatload of TED talks and Super Soul Sunday episodes, read a ton of self-help books, followed a bunch of inspirational coaches on Instagram, and listened to podcast after podcast after podcast ... but you're still feeling like something's missing – that the dots just aren't connecting – Deb wants you to know that writing is an amazing tool to help you dig in to your experience, discover more of yourself on the page, and take a stand for a life you want to live. For inspiration, tools, stories, pop culture references, poetry interludes, and all sorts of fabulosity to inspire and help you start your own writing practice or deepen your existing practice find Deb in these places: Website Instagram Facebook

In this episode, I interview Lyena Strelkoff. Lyena is a transformation coach, storyteller, and speaker passionately dedicated to advancing the way humans respond to change, challenge, and adversity. A lifelong dancer paralyzed in a hiking accident, Lyena's entire life was elevated, not in spite of paralysis but because of it. Lyena is the creator of The Shero's Way™, a modern, feminized approach to adversity that turns challenges into catalysts that catapult us upward. Lyena isn't divorced, although she does tell us the story of how her parents' divorce affected her. But I want you to listen to her story from the perspective of transformation. Listen for how Lyena transforms what could have been — should have been — the worst experience almost anyone can imagine into something full of grace and opportunity. And listen till the end where we discuss how this does NOT mean not acknowledging pain and suffering, but rather embracing all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

This episode is about holding strong boundaries when telling your spouse that you want a divorce. I lay out how I work with clients to prepare for this really difficult conversation, how not to allow your spouse to hijack and control the narrative, and how to not take responsibility for things you know aren't yours, even when your ex insists they are. In the intro, I talk about Mother's Day. How they've been in the past, and how it was this year. Hint: I spent it with my ex and his wife... and it was truly LOVELY.

This episode is all about permission. It's about how women seem to evolve in middle-age and how we seem to be outgrowing our marriages at alarming rates, and how to know if that's ok or not. In the last few weeks as I've been speaking with clients there's a recurring theme that keeps coming up. I keep hearing women say that their husband is a really nice guy, he's a great dad, a great provider, they list their husband's great qualities and then berate themselves for their own misery and usually end up in a wail of "why can't i just be happy?" And often it's because they've changed over the course of time. You are allowed to change. You are allowed to grow. And you are allowed to choose to leave your marriage. If you've done all the work you can, if you've been to therapy, if you've asked your husband to go to therapy with you, if you've been bending yourself into a pretzel for the last ten years trying to take all the responsibility for all the things because you've been taught in 12-step rooms, in personal development programs, in therapy that you are responsible for your happiness, and you can create any relationship you want, but it's still not fucking working, your marriage, at this point in time, may be unworkable. And that's ok. And the thing that can be hard for us to wrap our minds around is that no one has to be at fault. No one has to be wrong. When something isn't workable, it's often no one's fault.

Someone submitted this anonymous question to my website: My son often asks for his daddy. I don't know what to say to him. It breaks my heart because I've done everything I can to bridge the gap and encourage his father to be a part of his life. But he's totally absent. Only visits maybe 20hrs a month sometimes less. Can you give me any advice on what to say to my son about where his father is? Why he isn't here etc? These kinds of questions break my heart. According to Psychology today, "...24 million children live in biological father-absent homes— in the United States alone. And 1 in 3 children grow up without a father." What this means first and foremost is that you are not alone. This episode gives top-tips for handling these questions, some of which depend on age and development, but most of which can apply across the board. At the end of the episode I break down the difference between divorced and single moms, and why I no longer EVER call myself a single mom. Wanna work with me? You have options! Is It Him or Is It You is a 60-minute laser coaching experience for women who want honest feedback about their current situation. ROOTED is a 5-week coaching experience for women who think they may want to leave their marriages, but who can't seem to find the courage to make a decision, once and for all. The Divorce Worksheet Bundle is a $27 digital product in which you'll find everything you need to know in order to protect your children from any potential fallout from the divorce process. Included in this bundle is: How to tell your children you're getting divorced (four full pages of detailed information for all ages) Co-parenting agreement (7 pages of things you and your ex should be talking about before seeing a mediator) Children's Bill of Rights in Divorce (2 pages of rights for your children you and your ex should agree on and sign) Mutual Vision Statement (one page document guiding you through how to shift your relationship with your ex into this new phase) If you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, or a guest you'd like me to interview, please submit it here.

In this episode I look at dating after divorce, and how hard it can sometimes be to be the new person coming in when the exes are "besties." I look at this from three angles, and give a prescriptive for how best to make this often difficult shift work. After our divorce, while we each dated other people, my ex and I still did holidays together, went to the theatre together, and had family dinners together. After all we'd been through we were now close, and as he began to date I took on the awkward yet esteemed role of First Wife. I'd befriend his girlfriends. Partly because it seemed easier; we could all just be a family, and it would be less complicated for our son. Or at least that's what I told myself. But the truth was that I couldn't let go. I didn't want to lose my spot as the primary woman in my ex's life. We'd spent 10 years together, and I barely had an identity outside of him. ULTIMATELY IT WAS A POWER-PLAY BASED ON MY OWN INSECURITIES. I WAS PISSING ON MY TERRITORY, AND MY EX WAS MY TERRITORY. But when my ex started dating the woman he's now married to, that all changed. We'd all been friends for a while, so knew what I was up to. She immediately set very clear boundaries and firmly (and rightly) pushed me off my perch. Ultimately I knew that this rearrangement of status was perfectly appropriate, but I also had a LOT of feelings about it. Being moved out of my position as First Wife gave rise to new layers of grief I'd never anticipated... ************************************* Wanna work with me? You have options! Is It Him or Is It You is a 60-minute laser coaching experience for women who want honest feedback about their current situation. ROOTED is a 5-week coaching experience for women who think they may want to leave their marriages, but who can't seem to find the courage to make a decision, once and for all. The Divorce Worksheet Bundle is a $27 digital product in which you'll find everything you need to know in order to protect your children from any potential fallout from the divorce process. Included in this bundle is: How to tell your children you're getting divorced (four full pages of detailed information for all ages) Co-parenting agreement (7 pages of things you and your ex should be talking about before seeing a mediator) Children's Bill of Rights in Divorce (2 pages of rights for your children you and your ex should agree on and sign) Mutual Vision Statement (one page document guiding you through how to shift your relationship with your ex into this new phase) If you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, or a guest you'd like me to interview, please submit it here.