Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

In this episode, I share my personal story of falling in love and having relationship challenges. Hear how I dealt with it, what I learned, and what ultimately ended up happening for me. Here are the ...

All too often, we avoid challenges in our relationship. Either we don't know how to address our concerns skillfully or we are afraid of creating tension and upset. While we want to increase the likelihood ...

The Relational Approach emphasizes the priority of the relationship. It puts the focus on the quality of connection and bond, rather than any task or agenda at hand. Here are 4 C's to help you practice ...

Agreements help foster clarity, confidence, progress, and trust. Setting up a conversation for success can be the most important part of being effective. STATING & ASKING Men will often use the language, "We should ________." Women will often use the language, "Do you want to _______." Goal is to use transparent and clear language, like, "I would like _______. What do you want? CHECKING IT OUT & CLARIFYING Getting clear personally Being true and honest (not falling into the pattern of feeling obligated) Giving only what you have and being willing to say no. Getting to a win/win Using reflective listening. Here is an article that offers step-by-step guidance. BEING EXPLICIT ABOUT THE AGREEMENT Listening is not a form of an agreement Anchoring the agreement in time. For example, "Friday at 3pm let's check-in. I will plan on doing ________." This can be helpful because it is easy to get distracted, busy, and get into avoidance patterns. RENEGOTIATING, IF NEEDED You make the best agreement you can, and if something changes, you always have the opportunity to renegotiate. If you realize that you need to change some aspect of the agreement, give your partner a heads up and ask for a renewed agreement. HONOR YOUR PART If you take the time to be clear about what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do, then it will be much more likely that you can follow through and honor your word. This can increase positive feelings in the relationship as well as within yourself. Thank you so much for investing in the process of improving your relationship skills. If you have a question that you would like me to answer, please leave me a voice message, by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you!

Our expectations inform how we relate and react to others. Usually, we don't stop to look at why we have certain expectations and whether or not they serve our relationships. Even when our expectations go ...

Expectations can fuel and motivate how we relate and react to our partners. Commonly, we expect our partners to treat us in a particular way and love us in the way that we want to ...

What are the ways you offer support when your partner is having a difficult time? While most of us will have a few answers to this question, it may be another story in the heat of the moment. Picture your partner being very upset, see what happens for you internally when you imagine this scenario. It is common to feel a sense of tightening in your body or have some type of reaction or concern. You don't want you partner to feel bad - you want to help, but you might not know how. What do you do? In this episode, I discuss six ways to offer support. These can be options for you to consider the next time, your partner is having a difficult time and is wanting your support. Throughout this episode, I offer suggestions, examples, and tips. At the end of the day, I want to encourage you to ask your partner what would feel most helpful. 1. Listening: Offering your undivided attention and focus. 2. Emotional Attunement: Verbally or nonverbally staying connected with what your partner is expressing. Staying present. Short animated video about empathy (with Brene Brown) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw Reflective listening practice/article http://drjessicahiggins.com/effective-communication-tool/ 3. Offering Feedback: If your partner is interested in your feedback, offering your ideas, insight, or suggestions, with the intention to help. Video mentioned https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg John Gray's book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Platinum Rule article http://drjessicahiggins.com/new-ways-loving/ 4. Challenge: Offering a different perspective or different way of looking at the situation that relates to your partner's bigger vision or value. Being curious and wondering (with love). 5. Encouragement: Offering reassurance and affirmation to your partner. Letting your partner know they can do it. Believing in your partner, and seeing the strength in them. Dr. Peter Pearson & Dr. Ellyn Bader. 6. Physical Presence: Offering physical affection and comfort (i.e. high-five, hug, pat on the back). I hope you are able to give some of these suggestions a try, and I would love to hear your thoughts. If you have a question that you would like me to answer, please leave me a voice message, by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! ❤

Many times we know we need to take action, but we don't know what step to take. Or we feel that change needs to occur, but we feel too overwhelmed to take a step. Here are some steps to consider that may help you feel more clear and inspired to take that first step. In this Episode, I offer a 5 step process for how to take action if you are feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure. 1. BE OPEN TO POSSIBILITIES: What if I let go of my attachment to things being a particular way? Ask yourself, what would (my idea of what I want - my example "going snowboarding") __________ allow me to feel? This will help you get in touch will your underlying desire or need (my example - "going snowboarding would allow me to feel the outdoors and experiencing fun and play." Stages of Change (5 steps that people take when making a change - which comes from research from working with people with addictions. However, the model is relevant for people attempting to create change and/or break habits) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transtheoretical_model http://psychcentral.com/lib/stages-of-change/000265 "It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer." Albert Einstein 2. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY: When we have a need, want, or desire, we take ownership for it. When we realize we are not happy with something, If we are not liking our experience, we have choice in the matter. We decide who, where, and when we participate in a dynamic with someone else. It is up to us to be responsible and create the change we are desiring. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment What is your number one complaint (in relationship)? (example - "being criticized) I am unconsciously committed to __________ (your complaint). (example - "I am unconsciously committed to being criticized.") I am now consciously committed to _____________ (the opposite for your complaint). (example - " I am now consciously committed to being accepted.") 3. DECIDE: Making a commitment. Not just considering the step or option, but really deciding - "I am going to do this." Deciding involves action - we are going to do something. Considering is thinking about the possibility of taking action. Trusting that more opportunity and/or information will become available by taking the first step. Our responsibility is to take the step that we can take. Empowered to do something about it (disengage, ask for what you want, advocate for yourself) Definite - staying firm in your decision 4. ONE SMALL STEP: Trusting that support will be available. Not worrying about the whole picture. If it probable or possible. Focus on the part you do know. Break it down. What step can I take? What is my next move? 5. THINK LONG TERM: Pain or discomfort that I have associated with the thing we are not doing (examples - avoiding someone, or not eating sugar What is the long-term cost of continuing to __________? (example - avoiding calling my grandmother. Distance, hurt) What is the long-term benefit of ______________? (example calling grandmother. Long-term benefit: I would feel closer and connected to her. We would have a better relationship.) Redirect your focus from the immediate discomfort to the long-term cost or long-term benefit as a motivator and action. I would love to hear from you, if you have a comment. You can leave me a voice message here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! ❤

If you have ever felt confused in your relationship, this episode offers a 5 step process to gain more clarity. This process will help if you are feeling confused about a small issue or if you are feeling confused about a bigger concern in your relationship. Over the many years of working with clients with relationship concerns, especially with my individual clients, they often express feeling confused about how to resolve concerns in their relationship and even feel confused about whether they should continue in the relationship. More often than not, clients get stuck in this confused place - going back and forth - for weeks or even sometimes years. Usually, this confusion is an attempt to avoid dealing with the real genuine feelings underlying the concern. Here are 5 steps to consider: 1. Create the Space: Take time and give yourself permission to feel, drop in to your experience. Take an honest heartfelt look at your experience. 2. Feel your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel. Be open and real with yourself. Notice and follow the lead of your emotion. An emotion usually has a beginning, middle, and an end. If you allow the process to flow, you will usually get to a place of understanding, learning, and/or insight. 3. Encourage the Process: Stay with the process. If you identify a feeling, stay curious. Ask yourself, "Is there more?" or "Tell me more." Have inquiry and wonder about your experience, "What is not working?" and "What am I wanting?" 4. Support: Be gentle with yourself. Set aside the critical voice. It's okay to feel uncomfortable, afraid, and vulnerable. Consider what would be supportive for you (i.e. time in nature, alone time, taking a bath, time with a friend). Trust there will be good that comes from the process. 5. Learning: As mentioned in #2, if you stay with the process, with a curious and present approach, you will probably get to a new awareness, understanding, or perspective. This will offer you a learning of some sort and possibly a next step. You do not have to figure out or be responsible for knowing how to work it all out. The goal is to know more about yourself and your underlying needs or desires. I would love to hear from you. Please let me know if you have any questions. You can leave me a voice message, by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you. ❤