Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

GUEST MICHAELA BOEHM Michaela Boehm teaches and counsels internationally as an expert in intimacy and sexuality. She combines her background in psychology and extensive clinical experience with her in-depth training in the yogic arts as a classical Kashmiri Tantric lineage holder into a unique offering of experiential learning. She is passionate about teaching skills that enhance deep intimacy, lasting attraction and give each participant the tools for full embodiment and capacity. Michaela also co-taught with David Deida for 13 years. Michaela teaches workshops & intimacy intensives for men and women as well as offers mentorships and relationship counseling. In this episode, Michaela Boehm brings a wealth of knowledge and experience, as she talks with us about the importance of working with our inner masculine and feminine energies, so that we can increase our capacity for intimacy, sexual and erotic play and love. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to gain access to the full conversation, points, and examples.) IMPORTANT POINTS FROM MICHAELA BOEHM: The importance of engaging with yourself, having intimacy with yourself, and having intimacy with another person, as well as engaging in sensual, erotic, ecstatic play. Each human being has two aspects or two principles present. One is the "go" or the "doing" principle (masculine). The other is the "flow" or "being" principle (feminine). Both aspects exist in each person in equal amount because "go without flow" is disastrous and "flow with go" is pretty disastrous too. People usually have a preference for where they like to reside most either in the masculine ("the go") or feminine ("the flow") principle. Many misunderstandings happen when people mix women with feminine and men with masculine. The polarity between the masculine and feminine aspects spark sexual tension and attraction. The person with whom you have the most sexual attraction to is the person with whom is most different from you. The more different somebody is from you, the stronger the spark of attraction will be. The more similar you are with somebody the better your relationship will be. If you have a strong attraction in your relationship, but you are in conflict with each other, you want to work on relationship skills. If you have a strong relationship, but the sexual attraction is not as strong, then you want to use the principles of erotic friction to create the spark. Whatever you do the most creates the strongest bodily pattern. If you spend 20 years on the go, you are not going to simply soften into a surrendered blob of pleasure. Your body is not conditioned for that. However, this is not the same as not having it. You have it. You have the capacity for both the masculine and the feminine principles within you. You were born with it. It is your birthright. You can develop the principle that you have not been in the habit of using as much. It is also important to destress before practicing some of these protocols. MENTIONED: Michaela Boehm (website) Michaela Boehm's workshops (workshop webpage) Michael Boehm's Sound Cloud (free resources) How To Build A Happy, Lasting Love – Webinar (webinar link) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 099: How To Work With The Masculine And Feminine Polarity with Michaela Boehm [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

THE CHALLENGE WITH WEDDING VOWS: Wedding vows are beautiful expressions of love. When we go to a wedding, we want to hear about the couple's love for one another. We are moved by the deeply sentimental proclamations. We are inspired by the power of love, demonstrated through a reading, scripture, poem, original vows or some combination. However, vows are often aspirational and very hard to follow. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) Last fall, my husband and I went to a friend's wedding. They got married on a yacht and had a small ceremony. The groom is someone who I used to take volleyball lessons from and is an amazing teacher and coach. Coach John Wooden has had a huge influence on his teachings, so it was fitting that he incorporated a quote from Wooden: "Promise to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit trouble to press on you. – John Wooden" Truthfully, I love these expressions probably more than most people. And I work with couples all the time and see how they do not have practical direction with their commitments. Their vows do not support their practice of loving each other in the every day moments of life. Not only do vows tend to be more aspirational rather than practical, they tend to be very general and vast. Most people who have explored how to set and accomplish goals have come across S.M.A.R.T. goals…which stand for Specific. Measurable. Actionable. Realistic. Time-Bound. Now, I am not suggesting that couples turn their vows into goals. However, I do think it can be extremely helpful for couples to have working agreements and operational commitments. COMMITMENTS TO GUIDE US: Back in 2006, Reid, my now husband and boyfriend at the time, were taking a short road trip. We were in the car and I remember him asking me what I thought about commitments. I told him that I thought commitments are most powerful and work best when they are seen as self-commitments and guiding principles. Commitments that I hold myself to and work towards. It is my integrity and desire that give me the motivation, rather than the obligation we often think about when we imagine a commitment to someone else. EMPIRICALLY SUPPORTIVE MARRIAGE VOWS – AN EXAMPLE A couple of years ago, I came across this article "How To Craft An Empirically Supported Marriage, by Melanie Tannenbaum" I saved the article because I loved the example of how practical and scientifically proven ways of loving could be woven into marriage vows. Granted both partners are psychologists, and they understand "that one of the most challenging tasks in a person's life is successfully navigating romantic relationships." They wanted to be mindful and intentional about their commitments and not leave the success of their marriage up to chance. Here are some of their vows: "On a daily basis, think about what your spouse does that you value, and verbally express your gratitude. No one is perfect, and focusing on your partner's shortcomings while overlooking their desirable qualities doesn't enhance anyone's enjoyment of the relationship –- not your partner's, and not your own. So Melanie, when Justin is ready to go to bed a solid three hours before you, let him know that you appreciate how conscientious he's being. And Justin, when Melanie frenetically dances around the house to Tropi-Pop tunes at 11 PM on a Tuesday, let her know you appreciate her spirit and vim. However, everyone fights occasionally, and what determines whether couples stay together isn't whether they fight, but how they fight. When disagreements arise, listen to your partner, acknowledge the role you had in the conflict, focus on specific behaviors rather than criticizing your partner's personality, and share concerns in a polite, empathetic manner. Respect each other in good times and bad. It's also important to create shared positive experiences. Hobbies are a great way to do this, and some are better than others for promoting good relationships. Activities that let you face challenges together as a team are an ideal way to build a stronger bond. As a bonus, exciting activities that increase your heart rate will let you benefit from misattribution of arousal. So, for the sake of your relationship, continue traveling, exploring, mud-running, moving cross-country, and taking risks — as a team. Although it's good to do things together, it's also important to support each other's personal freedom and autonomy. People enter into relationships because they admire the other individual. Help your partner continue to be that individual by respecting their personal goals and interests. Sometimes that's as simple as asking questions to show your support. So don't worry, Justin, there's no need to sign up for Zumba yourself — but do continue to ask Melanie how it went whenever she comes home from teaching a class." If you want to read the article and see their references, you can check it out here. In my work with couples, I have found it to be so important for the couple to have a shared philosophy, especially about how to handle challenges. Most couples have no idea how to deal with upset and disagreement when it happens. DRIFTING AWAY FROM EACH OTHER: Unfortunately, we are all familiar with couples "falling out of love" and "drifting part." The sad reality is that we often expect our love to flourish without investing the time, energy, and effort into the connection. Recently, I was watching This Is Us, a show on NBC. There was an exchange between two friends. One friend confronted the other about his marriage falling apart. Here is an excerpt (from episode 14 "I Call Marriage"): "You want to know why my marriage ended Jack? For as long as I can remember, I have woken up at 6:30 every day to make Shelly coffee, splash of milk two sugars. I would make it and bring it to her in bed. She says that he day doesn't even start until she's got caffeine in her veins. And then one day, woke up , 6:30, like always, and I made myself one. I just didn't feel like making Shelly one. And the worst part is she didn't even notice. We stopped noticing each other, Jack. We stopped trying to make each other happy. When we realized that, we knew it was over. Now, I think that every single couple has a handful of these moments when you reach a crossroads. Just sometime it happens early on, first fight…sometimes it happens ten years in, when you've had the same fight about taking out the trash every night for a week. They're make or break these moments. And you either roll up your sleeves and you fight for what you've got or you decide that you're tired and you give up. And I had one of these moments when I didn't make Shelly her coffee." In an email that I recently got from Dr. Keith Witt, he wrote: "How to intentionally maintain your marital love affair?" Cultivate "I'll do what it takes," commitments to nurture the marital love affair throughout lifecycles. We begin relationships with a "I'll stay as long as…" commitments, as in, "I'll stay as long as we love each other," or "As long as my needs are fulfilled." If we are successful at taking care of our love for each other, these shift to "I'll do what it takes." commitments, where we both resolve to face problems and work through them when issues arise. "I'll do what it takes," couples tend to stay together and be more fulfilled. "I'll do what it takes," couples are more willing to keep focusing on the marital love affair to keep it satisfying and alive through all the life stages." OPERATIONAL COMMITMENTS: What you will do when you are feeling challenged? When you feel distant… resentful…hurt? How will you show up? How will you deal? Do you know what your operational commitments are in your marriage/relationship? If not, I encourage you to schedule some time to develop them. Maybe for your next anniversary take some time to add some practical and conscious commitments to your marriage vows. If you feel like you and your partner could use an overhaul in your ways of operating together. Sign-up for the free webinar on March 15th to get some insight into how to cultivate a happier more connected relationship as well as learning about the Connected Couple program. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks offer some great input about conscious commitments, in their article titled "Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment" (summarizing their book by the same title): Commitment 1: I commit myself to full closeness, and to clearing up anything within me that stands in the way. Commitment 2: I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual. Commitment 3: I commit to revealing myself fully in the relationship, not to concealing myself. Commitment 4: I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me. Commitment 5: I commit myself to acting from the awareness that I am 100 percent the source of my reality. Commitment 6: I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships. Creating and maintaining conscious commitments is an ever evolving process, as you continue to explore and deepen in yourself and your intimacy with your partner. MENTIONED: How To Build A Happy, Lasting Love – Webinar (webinar link) How To Craft An Empirically Supported Marriage, by Melanie Tannenbaum (article) This Is Us (NBC episode) ERP 093: How The "Shadow" Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship With Dr. Keith Witt (podcast episode) Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment (article) ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 098: How are your Marriage Vows helping you? [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

WHAT IS THE STORY YOU TELL YOURSELF? The story you tell yourself is so important, and most likely you are reinforcing the story over and over again. It is said that 90% of our thoughts are repetitive and 70% of these thoughts are negative. What does that mean for your story? Our story shapes our identity, who we are and what we experience. If you listened to last week's podcast episode, we looked at how our beliefs can have a dramatic affect on our experience. Also, I gave you several examples of things couples typically say. People commonly have a story with some version of: If my partner would only… Maybe something is wrong with me… Maybe we are not right for each other… None of these beliefs or stories are particularly helpful. In last week's episode, we also contrasted a negative belief and how this plays out with a more neutral belief and what this looks like in action. What a huge difference! Check it out if you missed it. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) In the article Rewrite Your Life, authors and psychologists talked about the importance of looking at and reframing the stories we hold. They described the powerful impact of creating a different narrative and how this can ultimately change who we are and what we experience. "One experiment involved students who had shared a group narrative identity along the lines of, "We're too different from these rich kids—we'll never catch up, and we're probably not smart enough anyway." Researchers showed them seemingly professionally produced videos citing evidence that many kids enter school believing they don't belong or aren't smart enough to handle the work—but that after a few months the majority adjust socially, get help from faculty, work diligently, and go on to succeed. Students who watched the videos experienced marked improvements in grades, graduation rates, and self-confidence. There is nothing magical about the approach, Wilson says."The idea is to change kids' idea that intelligence is this fixed thing we have," he says, and instead help them realize that "achievement is about seeking the right help and overcoming obstacles." By Susan Gregory Thomas The same is true for relationship health and functioning. It is not a fixed thing. We can improve our interactions and gain more closeness, happiness, and satisfaction… "with the right help and overcoming obstacles." Couples together create a relationship story, which in turn creates their "relationship identity." How they perceive and experience their relationship. How they deem it…as good, bad, healthy, unhealthy, happy, unhappy, etc. One of my biggest goals is to help you see relationship challenges as part of the process of developing and see that there are lessons and opportunities available. What would happen if you were to take your energy and put it towards creating a different result, rather going into old story? Continuing to hold stories like "He will never change. She will never be any different. We will always have these issues. Nothing will improve." will likely result in little improvement or change. "If our stories tell us we are resilient, we will be. If they tell us we're not up to the fight, we likely won't be." By Susan Gregory Thomas Reminds me of the famous Henry Ford quote "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't–you're right." IT IS INCREDIBLY HARD TO CHANGE OUR BELIEFS AND STORY WITHOUT SOME CONSCIOUS EFFORT. Even with support and guidance, couples will tend to resort to their default mode, especially within the early phases of learning. This is largely because we are wired up to protect ourselves. We do not want to get hurt, and our protective mechanisms kick in, as talked about in ERP 095. This becomes particularly complicated when there has been trauma in the past. When trauma plays a role, stories tend to be ingrained and complex. Thus, it can be very hard to counteract. Narrative therapy is a common approach to helping people address difficulties in their life, especially with children. For example, if a child has symptoms of anxiety. Narrative therapy might help the child give anxiety a name, description, and story. This helps the child disidentify from the symptoms of anxiety, and pain. They begin to see "You are more than your pain. You are bigger than your pain. This is happening to you. This is not you." They may begin to feel their power and choice. They may begin to set limits and boundaries with anxiety, as well as build new skills and strategies to overcome the anxious feelings. This technique can be useful in couples work. Dr. Susan Johnson does this when she encourages couples to recognize when they are in a disconnect pattern or a "demon dialogue" as she would call it. It is essentially helping the couple recognize the painful dynamic is not their relationship. It is not who they are; it is something they have experienced, AND it does not have to be their story moving forward. It is incredibly inspiring to think you can have a new pattern together. Yes, you have to learn the new pattern, but it is possible and available. WHAT IF YOU WERE TO LOOK AT YOUR STORY DIFFERENTLY? "My oldest daughter was usually quiet and exhausted on the hour-long ride home from seventh grade. Not this day. She slammed the car door shut and spat that a classmate had been "incredibly rude" to her. She veered into a rant on hypocritical teachers and finally inventoried the despicable qualities of nearly every girl in her class. I asked her what was really going on, and she answered truthfully: For the past six months, my daughter, who is mixed-race, had been viciously bullied in racist attacks by girls at her Philadelphia school, often in classrooms, while teachers seemingly took no notice. I pulled over and began calling every teacher and administrator involved. They would hear every detail of my daughter's story, and then this story was going to end because she needed to know that it was over. The next morning, as we met with school officials who pressed her for specific names and incidents, I asked them to withdraw so I could talk to my daughter alone for a moment. There she sat, crumpled, shaking, terrified of retribution. But if she did or said nothing, those past few months would stay forever lodged, ruinously, in her psyche. She needed a victory, to feel her own power. So I put it to her: Today, she, an ordinary girl, could decide to be a hero and change the story for every nonwhite student at that school forever. And she did. Now 15, my oldest is back to her charismatic, hilarious, sparkly self (and we are living in Brooklyn). The experience is melded to her core, and she's tougher, but also more compassionate. She changed her story." By Susan Gregory Thomas WHAT IS THE STORY YOU TELL ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES AND CHALLENGES? 1. Write down your story. 2. Identify your negative beliefs (harmful to you, your partner, or your relationship).* 3. Rewrite your story without blaming your partner or yourself.* 4. Reframe your perspective & look for opportunities.* 5. Give space and include what you want to experience in relationship.* 6. Create a new story.* * May be helpful to get support. "The benefits of rewriting—from improved mood and well-being to boosts in the immune system—have since been demonstrated in dozens of studies, including my own. Rewriting helps you organize your thoughts and feelings and put them into words. This, in turn, helps you gain perspective, sort out your emotions, and increase narrative coherence—your understanding of who you are, how you became that person, and where you are going." By Sherry Hamby HOW TO MOVE FORWARD WITH THE NEW STORY? It can be hard to trust the new story. This is especially true when we feel reactive, triggered, and threatened. Again, it can be helpful to get support with this process. It takes an active participation…rehearsing the new narrative and looking for evidence that supports the new story. "How does my partner demonstrate ______?" When you run up against conflicting evidence, work to check it out. "Can you help me understand how __(behavior)___ fits into __(new story)___? By doing this, you are working towards supporting the new narrative rather than falling back into the old story. "We can't change the past, but we can change how it affects us and who it makes us. When we tweak what we tell ourselves about the past , we can redirect our future. In our relationships, through our life choices, or at our jobs, we can recognize our mistakes, move on, and start to embody a different story." By Susan Gregory Thomas "We are the stories we tell." By Susan Gregory Thomas MENTIONED: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship – Part Two (podcast episode) Rewrite Your Life (article) ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship (podcast episode) Hold Me Tight (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 097: How to rewrite your relationship story [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Make sure you check out Part One ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship, if you missed it. In this episode, you will learn why we can go from anticipating the best about our partners and relationship to anticipating the worst (as a form of protection). When we are triggered, we are more likely to react and jump to conclusions. Therefore, it is important to slow down. so that we can calm our nervous system and enable our higher level thinking. In turn, this will help us engage in a more progressive and productive process. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) HOW OUR BELIEFS AFFECT US The field of psychology teaches us that our thoughts, feelings, and physiology are all connected and interrelated. The beliefs we hold affect our thinking, feeling, body, as well as the way we behave and relate. Here is an example: Belief: "I am ugly" Thought: "No one will ever be interested in me." Emotion: Feeling sad, alone, and depressed. Body: Bad posture, turned away, looking down. Action: Will not take care of appearance and will not actively engage with others. Result: Little positive social feedback, as people will not have much a chance to relate. POINTS OF CHANGE It is easier to change our thinking and physiology than it is to change our emotions. Deepen our breath to calm our nervous system or change our body posture to increase confidence. Reframe our thinking to get to a more balanced thought. OUR NEGATIVE VIEWS When we go through a difficult time, it is natural to try to make sense of the situation. However, if we let our fear, reactivity, and protection mechanisms run the show, then we are at great risk of pathologizing our partners, ourselves, or our relationships. Here are things we typically say: "If he would only communicate with me, we wouldn't have any problems. He has issues." "If she would just control her anger, we would be fine. She is the problem." "Maybe I am not relationship material." "Maybe I am not meant to be with anyone." "Maybe we were never meant to be." "Who were we kidding? We are such a joke." A NEGATIVE BELIEF IN ACTION VS A BALANCED BELIEF IN ACTION Let's look at one possibility of how a negative beliefs can impact our thinking, feeling, and behaving: Belief: "He can't communicate. If he would only communicate with me, we wouldn't have any problems." Thinking: "He can't give me what I need. He has issues. He doesn't really want to be close. I should have picked someone different." Emotion: Feel hurt. Feel wronged. Feel unhappy. Feel scared. Feel sad and upset. Feel angry. Feel hopeless. Body: Either slumped posture and looking down. Or arms crossed, hand on the hip, and piercing eyes. Actions: Ask questions with a negative tone of voice. Ask questions expecting there to be no quality reply. Ask leading questions or close-ended questions. Ask questions at inopportune times. Result: Further disconnect. Disagreements. Misunderstandings. Upset. Conflict. Negative patterns ensues. Let's take the same concern and look at another possibility of what a more balanced belief might look like in action: Belief: "Communicating verbally isn't as easy or natural for him." Thinking: "I wonder what ways he likes to share his experience. When does he open more to me?" Emotion: Feeling curious. Feeling interested. Feeling hopeful. Feeling patient and trusting. Body: Alert. Leaning towards. Good eye contact. Open posture. Actions: Seeking to understand. Trying to help. Treading carefully. Genuinely curious and accepting Result: Better communication. More goodwill. Willing to work together. Feeling more connected. Understanding each other more. ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF A NEGATIVE BELIEF IN ACTION VS A BALANCED BELIEF IN ACTION Let's look at a Listener's question: What if my partner isn't interested in or doesn't have faith in the process? An example of a negative belief playing out: Belief: "This is stupid." (working on the relationship…talking, therapy, or coaching) Thinking: "I am not going to get anything out of this. This will never work." Emotion: Annoyed. Angry. Frustrated. Resentful. Body: Arms folded. Muscles tight. Defensive posture. Closed off. Shut down. Constricted breathing. Action: Ready to leave. Looking for an opportunity to get out of the conversation and disengage. Avoid. Blame. Not really listening, and not trying to understand. Result: No positive result. No progress. Separation. Divorce. An example of a balanced belief playing out: Belief: "I am not sure if this will work, but I am willing to try." Thinking: "This is uncomfortable. I am not sure what I am suppose to do." Emotion: Uncomfortable. Anxious. Excited. Hopeful. Scared. Vulnerable. Body: A little on edge. Working on trying to stay calm. Trying to take a few deep breaths. Posture alert and upright. Action: Keeping an open mind. Willing to try. Result: Likely, with some good guidance, they will begin to build safety and make progress together. HOW TO WORK WITH A NEGATIVE BELIEF Unpacking our beliefs, so that we can explore them, look at them, constructively work with them usually takes a process. If you are interested in getting support, please contact me. I would be happy to explore the option of coaching or a program with you. In the meantime, here are some reflection questions for you to consider (assuming you have calmed down enough, so that you can think and assess a little more clearly): Pay very close attention to your internal dialogue. Check out your thinking. What do you say to yourself? Is what I am thinking really true? What might this say about a belief you are holding? What are your feelings in this scenario? What does your body feel like within the situation? What are your behaviors? What action do you take? What is the outcome or result? How might I be seeing this from the lense of my old experience? MENTIONED: ERP 021: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship (podcast episode) Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are (Ted Talk) ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 096: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship – Part Two [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In podcast episode 94, "4 Reasons Why Creating Lasting Love Is So Difficult" I offered four reasons why partners will give-up on or break-up a relationship. Today, we are exploring the mechanisms behind our belief systems in relationship. This will be a two-part series. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) HOW COME MY PARTNER SEEMS SO DIFFERENT FROM WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING? A challenge we are faced with along the path of developing long-term intimacy is learning how to deal with our protective mechanisms. This is an unexpected challenge, as we do not anticipate needing to protect ourselves against our significant other. During the initial stages of love, we emphasize all the positive qualities of the relationship and connection. In some ways, we imagine how great we are for one another (since we don't really know). When the romance settles a bit, we may enter into a deeper level of commitment, and we begin to see our differences emerge. Seeing these differences might be surprising (different from what we imagined) and challenging….especially when we do not know how to deal with conflict well. This dynamic gets even more confusing and complicated because we have essentially moved from a position of hope and optimism to one of caution and protection. WHY DO I FEEL SO PROTECTIVE WITH MY PARTNER? If you have listened to my podcast before, you may have heard me talk about the fact that evolutionarily, we are wired up to protect ourselves and to survive. The very primal part of our brain…namely the amygdala let's us know when there is a threat. This part of the brain has been storing and cataloging all the painful experiences up to date, so that it can be prepared and ready to protect and take care in the event a similar situation should occur again. This protective systems main goal is to keep you safe. It is quick to respond and does not decipher, discern, or differentiate well. When a threat is detected, our fight, flight, or freeze response kicks into gear. Our brain does not take the time to distinguish between "a bear is chasing us" and "our partner is slighting us." All threats feel similar within our nervous system, whether it is a physical or an emotional threat. When we feel threaten in relationship, our early experiences with connection are getting brought up to the surface. OUR CONNECTION IMPRINT When we enter into a deeper level of commitment through marriage or life partnership, the romantic bond activates a deep part of our being called the attachment system. This attachment system is more or less an early imprint of connection. This imprint of connection reflects how we were cared for or not cared for by our parents/caregivers, as well as how we learned to respond through our thinking, feeling, and physiology. In a secure connection, we learned to believe that our needs would be met and that the world is a safe place. We felt loved and felt confident about our ability to receive comfort and affection. Our body and nervous system was relaxed, calm, and functioning well. As babies, we needed our parents/primary caretakers to survive. While we do not need our partners for survival the emotional bond activates the very same system. Our romantic connections hold the same level of intensity, stakes, and vulnerability. If you are interested in learn more about what insecure attachment looks like, check out this episode or this research paper (wrote many years ago). PROTECTIVE TRIPWIRE With any level of insecurity, pain, hurt, or injury in the past, your brain has kept very good track of this experience, so that it can protect you in the future. Yet, this protective mechanism works too well in many cases, as the system responds to any PERCEIVED threat…anything that looks, smells, tastes, sounds, and feels similar to the previous painful experience. Often, this happens so quickly we aren't even aware of it until we are already in the flight, flight, or freeze mode. The benefit of this protective system is that it works hard to keep you safe, and it does a good job. With any sign of threat, you will be on guard. The draw back is there may be many opportunities for false alarms. In relationship, our interactions are happening so quickly, and we rarely take the time to flush everything out. Deciphering interactions and perceived threats are especially confusing, when we have don't trust and are cautious with our partner. HIGHER SKILLS ARE NOT ACCESSIBLE When we feel protective, defensive, and threatened, the more evolved parts of our brain are off-line. All of our energy and resources are going towards getting ready to fight or flee. Therefore, we do not have access to our higher levels of thinking and processing, like regulating emotions, perceiving emotions in others, executive thinking, and decision-making. EXCERPT FROM "WIRED FOR LOVE" BY STAN TATKIN, PSYD: (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript for the excerpt) By understanding these protective mechanisms more, we can see how it is possible to move from hope and optimism to caution and defensiveness in relationship. Basically, we go from anticipating the best to anticipating the worst in relationship. Anticipating the worst in your partner or relationship can have grave effects on love and lasting relationship. Stay tuned for the next episode, as we will explore how this plays out with more specifics and examples. If you are interested in learning how to manage your reactions and regulate your nervous system, so that you can engage a more progressive and productive process please sign-up for my Connect Couples Program, which will give you step-by-step support and guidance…stay tuned for details. In the meantime, check out this free ebook "7 Ways Relationships Fail (And what you can do to save yours)" Instant Access MENTIONED: Survey – Empowered Relationship Feedback (survey link) ERP 052: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (book – amazon link) Adult Attachment in Romantic Relationship Research paper (opt-in) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: A while back, I received a question from a listener who was going through an extremely painful time with his wife. One of his greatest pains was she was pulling away, just as he was starting to learn how to be a better partner. He described trying to encourage her to belief in them and believe in their marriage. Yet the harder he tried, the further she would distance from him. "Having listened to your podcast constantly and really trying to practice what I am learning in therapy I have, in some ways consciously and with effort and in some ways seemingly unconsciously, been changing my behavior/the way I talk, listen, and respond. The problem is that it seems as though I am the only one doing any work/making any effort. My wife will be the first to admit that she avoids confrontation at all costs. Is there something I or our therapist can say/do to help my wife realize that she is going to have to do some things that make her uncomfortable/things she doesn't necessarily want to do because they are good for the healing of the marriage?" WE CAN'T CONTROL OUR PARTNER. As much as we would like to at times, we can't choose how our partner will think, feel, and behave. Trying to fight with them or trying to convince them will probably only make things worse…like getting into the distancer-pursuer dynamic. THE BEAUTY & THE RISK The beautiful and yet risky reality is we co-create relationship together in relationship. Both people participate in this process. If one person isn't willing or isn't interested, then it is almost impossible to move forward in a life-giving and sustainable way. WILL THEY COME AROUND? Maybe. In my dissertation research, I found that sometimes when one partner started to grow and develop a growth orientation towards relationship, the other would later follow. However, this is not a guarantee. As we all know, the divorce statistics are still very high…50% of marriages end in divorce, and the divorce rate is even higher for second marriages. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson have a developmental model of couplehood and they talk about 4 reasons why people get stuck in the process. Partners typically get stuck in the second stage, as they stagnate, break-up, or seek help. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) 4 REASONS WHY PARTNERS GET STUCK IN RELATIONSHIP: 1. We do not have the emotional strength. We don't have the capacity (tolerance to deal with emotional upset). We label negative emotions as bad. We don't know how to be with our pain or be with the pain of our partner. It feels too hard and we want to quit. Substance issues. Physical or mental health illness. Resiliency research. "Ready For Anything" By Steven M. Southwick and Dennis S. Charney: Fast Facts: Armed against adversity: Ability to modulate and constructively harness the stress response – a capacity essential to both physical and mental health. Success can hinge on resilience. Setbacks are part of any endeavor, and those who react to them productively will make the most progress. A personal can boost his or her resilience. Strategies include reinterpreting negative events, enhancing positive emotions, becoming physically fit, accepting challenges, maintaining a close social network and imitating resilient role models. 2. We do not have the awareness and understanding of what is required to develop further. We don't know the skills we need to develop inside ourselves and within the relationship. We don't see our patterns, triggers, and growth work. Check out ERP 093: How The "Shadow" Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship With Dr. Keith Witt. We don't know what to expect. Check out ERP 058: Beyond the Wedding. What is Marriage Really Like? 3. We have ineffective ways of dealing with conflict. We are scared of conflict. Fear of being blamed or shamed. Fear of feeling not good enough or not okay. Fear of being rejected or abandoned. Fear of feeling unsafe (i.e. emotional attacks). 4. We don't have a model or path of successful relationship. Without a model, it is easy to worry, doubt, and want to quit. Good feelings = good relationship We don't have a growth mindset. We don't see what is possible WHAT YOU CAN DO DIFFERENTLY: Build emotional strength and resilience. Build awareness of what is required of you to develop further. Gain effective ways of dealing with conflict. Develop a successful relationship model. Stay tuned…I have been hard at work creating a really great program to give you the support, structure, and guidance to do exactly this! In the meantime, check out this free ebook "7 Ways Relationships Fail (And what you can do to save yours)" MENTIONED: Survey – Empowered Relationship Feedback (survey link) "Ready For Anything" By Steven M. Southwick and Dennis S. Charney: (article) ERP 093: How The "Shadow" Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship With Dr. Keith Witt (podcast episode) ERP 058: Beyond the Wedding. What is Marriage Really Like? (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 094: 4 Reasons Why Creating Lasting Love Is So Difficult [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST DR. KEITH WITT Dr. Keith Witt is a Licensed Psychologist, teacher, and author who has lived and worked in Santa Barbara, CA. for over forty years. Dr. Witt is the founder of The School of Love, at www.drkeithwitt.com, where he offers his six Books, his six hour audio class Loving Completely, the School of Love Lecture Series, blogs, Therapist in the Wild webseries, and Integral Conversations audios and videos on health/love/relationship/sexuality/spirituality/development/psychotherapy related topics. He has given three TEDx talks, all available on his website. In this episode, Dr. Keith Witt talks with us about the "shadow' and the interface between the known and the unknown (and the shadow and conscious awareness). He also helps us understand how we can increase our awareness, so that we can work with our shadow more constructively to expand our capacity for living and loving. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to gain access to the full conversation, points, and examples.) SOME OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES AND POINTS BY DR. KEITH WITT: Our nervous systems are exquisitely tuned to approval and disapproval and exquisitely tuned to being accepted and not accepted. We actually mark our own develop when we look at how our emotions, feelings, impulses, and judgments change as we grow throughout our lives. They change first at a conscious level, but then they work their way into our unconscious level. Bringing this awareness with acceptance and caring intent to that interface between you and me, between what is known and not known, accelerates development. It accelerates intimacy, if we do it between each other, and it accelerates my own intimacy with myself (my own development), if I do it internally. You can't deny instincts. What you have to do with instincts is give them a more progressive form of expression. You can't push them down. With couples, when you feel one of those primitive instincts coming up and you can be aware of it, if it is not in shadow and unknown – you can bring it into the light of awareness, then you can give yourself and your partner a better option. Noticing these instincts and giving ourselves a better option is one of the ways that we establish and maintain intimacy. We make up stories about each other, which could be negative or positive stories. These stories inform our feelings, thoughts, and impulses. Our negative stories tend to be routinely distorted. Awareness regulates. Modern couplehood (like marriage) is the most demanding relationship in the world. Being aware of your facial expression and tone of voice is an incredibly powerful yoga. Being safe in modern society involves trusting compassionate understanding and being suspicious of any kind of understanding that isn't compassionate understanding. We have that capacity for violence, when we feel threatened, and the more we understand it and are aware of it, the more we can transmute that into assertive action rather than aggressive action…into creating love rather than creating divisiveness. MENTIONED: Dr. Keith Witt (website) Shadow Light: Illuminations at the Edge of Darkness (book) ERP 050: Exploring Love & Consciousness with Dr. Keith Witt (podcast episode) ERP 078: How To Honor The Darkness (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 093: How the "Shadow" Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship with Dr. Keith Witt [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer coaching to help a listener explore her struggles with fear, doubt, and old programing as she develops intimacy in relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.) 5 TIPS FOR DEVELOPING A NEW PATTERN: 1. Recognize your pain point and old pattern, and when you feel triggered (i.e. "I don't feel like you believe me." "I work hard to get you to validate my perspective."). 2. Slow down. Show up for yourself. Make a choice to try something new (i.e. "I am not going to hustle like I am used to doing. I am going to try a new way of dealing with this trigger or pain point.") 3. Give yourself the support you need to have a new pattern (i.e. "What I am feeling makes sense. It is real and true."). 4. Accept what your partner has to give in that moment. It may not be what you want, but struggling with them to give you what you want will probably not work. If they are open, you can help them understand you better and they may be able empathize and soften. However, they ultimately have a choice in how they show up for you. (Ideally, you and your partner will want to work together to understand each other better, to help take care of each other, and to relate in ways that feel good to you both. This takes time and process.). 5. Believe in your worthiness, your values, and the type of relationship you desire. You get to choose what you invest your time, energy, and effort into. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 092: How To Get Unstuck From Old Patterns When Cultivating A Love Relationship [Transcript] Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

FIRST LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I often listen to your podcast and try to learn from it as much as possible. Your podcast has provided me an ample amount of knowledge and made me flexible to various aspects of being in a relationship. Thank you. I came across a girl on a matrimony website and we have seen each other only 3 times in past 9 months of knowing each other as we stay in different states. The last meet we had was to talk about our trust issues by building our communication skills and whether she still wanted to continue seeing me. It was good for a week after our talk but then she went back to ignoring my texts and phone calls. I understand that she is busy with 3 jobs (1 full-time and 2 part-time including her accounting business) but without getting acknowledged for my texts or calls for days, sometimes weeks or none reply at all; I feel agitated building tension between us. I don't know how to tackle this situation as I want to give her space but feel that I might lose her if not in frequent touch. Your help is highly appreciated." SECOND LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I'm pretty new to your podcasts, but they're currently helping me through a pretty confusing and difficult time. I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man whom is everything I would want on paper. I actually wrote out a list of all the character traits I would want in a man a few months before we started dating– he checks off all of them! The problem is that lately we've grown into this odd dynamic that I don't really know how to explain. This relationship started as the most supportive, loving, healthy relationship that I've ever been in. However, lately it feels forced and inauthentic. We have had a few hiccups with some health problems. We've also had some "discussions" (never really arguments) about his friends, who were initially not welcoming to me at all and still make me feel very uncomfortable on most occasions with crass behavior and crude comments about pretty much everything. However, my boyfriend has never engaged in or encouraged this behavior– at least not around me or to my knowledge! Although we interact very healthily– and if anyone saw us from the outside they would likely say we are the "perfect couple"– there's this unnameable tension that exists and makes me feel more and more disconnected with him every day. I'm worried that maybe I chose to be in a relationship with him for the wrong reasons (the logical side of my brain tends to rule my decisions), and now am paying the price. Before I go , I just want to say thanks for providing a wonderful show that's helping me to get more in touch with my own feelings and take control of my desires and needs in my relationship." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) 6 WAYS TO DEAL THE TENDENCY TO "TRY HARDER"IN RELATIONSHIP 1. Be aware of compromising yourself and your values. It can be easy to justify and rationalize behaviors that don't work for you (i.e. you are doing or that your partner is doing). Think about what is most important to you, and then try to prioritize that value. If you undermine yourself or your values, you will likely feel bad about yourself and/or your situation. Your integrity is important for the health of your relationship long-term. "I love myself more." 2. Find balance. Be careful to not reach too far beyond yourself. You want your partner to meet you. You don't want to convince, persuade, or manipulate them into being with you. You want to strive for mutual giving and receiving, as well as reciprocal effort. When the balance is off-center, it can lead to weird dynamics and games (i.e. power issues, commitment issues, resentment and hurt feelings). 3. Allow space for your partner to be in. Allow your partner to choose you. Give your partner room to step towards you. You want your partner to want to be with you… to be engaged and invested. If you consistently do more of the work, you might not really trust they are with you. You might not believe they will have your back, when you need them. 4. Honor your cues. Listen to your inner signs and signals; don't ignore them. You may hear your intuition speak to you. You may notice physical symptoms (i.e. tightness in the throat, clenched stomach, etc.) Slow down. Breathe. Own your experience. If you are not honest, it can lead to withholding and resentment, as well as unhelpful expectations and projections. It may be helpful to wonder: What do you feel when you are around your partner? Are you scared? Feeling pressure? Feeling anxious? Are you afraid of getting rejected? Not being good enough? What do you do when these feelings come up for you? Acknowledging your experience will help you see more clearly. 5. Be honest about what your partner is showing you and telling you. Yes, we project on our partners. We have a story about them. Be careful to not hold to your story more than being open to what your partner is showing you. What does your partner show you over and over again? It is easy to want to believe in potential, but be sure to reality check with what you are actually experiencing. Listen to what they tell you. Mixed messages. "He is just not that into you." 6. Trust in yourself, trust in life. Believe in your worthiness and goodness. Know that you are capable of love. Believe in the possibility of relationship and that it is available for you. Listen to the inner wisdom that tells you "You are more than your current circumstance." Yes, your fear will come up. Your patterns will come up, but turn your focus and attention to your belief in yourself and in life. You have an inner knowing and inner guidance. You are worthy. Trust. "So now I know what I have to do. I have to keep breathing. And tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring in." – William Broyles Jr., Cast Away One step: If you are caught in a pattern of "trying too hard," can you practice one of these tips? Which one will it be? Please let me a comment below. I would love to hear about it. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 091: Is "trying harder" the best option in relationship? [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LOVE LANGUAGES To learn more about Love Languages; a description of each Love Language, and how to determine you and your partner's Love Language, check out the first part of this conversation on ERP 089. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) CAN YOUR LOVE LANGUAGES CHANGE? Depending on your life circumstances, you may become more attracted to a different love language, and your love language may change. For example, let's say your love language has been "words of affirmation." Then, you become a new parent, and your desire for "acts of service" grows, thus making your new primary love language "acts of service." Another example of a love language changing would be a husband looses his job and is feeling a lack of confidence and is feeling insecure. During this time, he may value "words of affirmation" more than his previous love language of "physical touch." CRITICISMS OF THE LOVE LANGUAGES There are a few criticisms of the Love Language theory. Here are a few: They are too general and vague, and it doesn't account for the psychology and complexities at play. The love languages are not based in academic or research-based findings. Gary Chapman is a Christian counselor and he brings his theology into the later portions of his book, which may be off-putting for some people. The Love Languages can be used to justify codependent tendencies. For example, you need your partner to provide love in a particular way and you view your partner as your only source of love. Another challenging dynamic is that of keeping tabs; "I'll scratch your back, if you scratch mine." In this case, partner's give with strings attached or with an expectation of reciprocation. The love languages can be a great tool to help you express love and care to your partner. If you truly understand their position and experience, then you will be more likely to want to help and support them to feel loved. HOW LOVE LANGUAGES CAN BE USED TO CREATE A POSITIVE CYCLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Giving and receiving love and affection in ways that matter most (ways that resonate deeply and authentically) will help nurture and strengthen your connection with your partner. Love languages can be used to lift each other up, especially when delivered with a positive attitude. Using your partner's love language will help build a spirit of generosity within your relationship. Within a positive cycle, you and your partner will be more motivated to continuously help each other. You can communicate explicitly. For example, "I am wanting to help you feel cared about and special. Here is one way I am thinking about doing this… Would that work for you?" When you give even just a little in the way of your partner's love language, it will go a long way for them. HOW LOVE LANGUAGES CONTRIBUTE TO NEGATIVE CYCLES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP When partner's lack of awareness, understanding or interest in the love languages, it can lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings. When love is not communicated (felt or received in a relationship), individuals can feel hurt, angry, and resentful. Love languages can be used to tear someone down (see examples below). Partner's can unknowingly criticize each other's love language, which can be even more painful (i.e. gifts are just materialistic). When partner's experiences a lack of love in their language, or a rejection of their love language, they will often feel unimportant, unworthy, and unloved, Here are some examples: Words of affirmation: Harsh words or tone of voice can be particular painful for someone with this love language. Just as positive words will lift your partner up, negative comments will tear them down. Physical touch: Going long periods of time without physical connection could lead your partner to feeling unloved and discouraged. If you do not make any effort to reach out to touch them, they may feel hurt and unimportant to you. Inappropriate or hurtful touch, like poking, prodding in a antagonizing way will be more upsetting for someone with this love language. Act of Service: Not following through with something you said you were going to do will result to feelings of hurt, disappointment, and upset. They will most likely feel as though you don't really care when it comes down to it, especially when they hear words and see no action. Quality time: When one partner is frequently distracted or preoccupied, their partner can feel as though they don't matter. They may have thoughts like "their phone is more important than I am. Or cleaning the house is more of a priority than I am." In times of distress, ignoring or stonewalling can be immensely painful for someone with this love language. Gifts: Overlooking gifts and thinking they are unimportant will often lead to feelings of hurt, upset, and pain for your partner. They may conclude that you don't care or that you didn't consider them. USING LOVE LANGUAGES FOR THE HOLIDAYS Expectations: It is important to have honest conversations about expectations and hopes for the holidays, especially with consideration to love languages. Typically, partners will go to great efforts to show love and affection to their partner and then feel let down when their partner doesn't appreciate their gift. When dynamics are already strained, this disappointment can lead to resentment, unhappiness, and discouragement. Talking about your expectations can help prevent hurt, tension, and conflict during the holidays. Awareness: Each person is going to come into the relationship with different family traditions. It can be helpful to talk about ahead of time what traditions you want to do together. Which ones do you want to keep, which ones do you want to let go and what new ones do you want to create together? Intention: Many couples are so busy with the additional events and ways of giving that they will lose connection with their normal ways of bonding. In this climate, couples can feel lonely and disconnected. It is important to attend to the priority of your relationship. Can you do more together, rather than doing things separately? Or during a family event, can you take a moment to pay special attention to each other? (Be sure to listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear gift ideas for each love language.) An invitation: Do one thing in your partner's primary love language. For an added bonus you could try a 7 day challenge. Maybe you make a conscious effort to touch your partner everyday or tell them something you appreciate about them. Or bring them a small gift to let them know you have been thinking about them. Let me know how it goes. MENTIONED: The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman (book) Love Language Quiz (website) The Sex Starved Marriage – TED Talk TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 090: How To Use Love Languages To Strengthen Connection – Part Two [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.