The Longing Lab

Send us a textEpisode 7: Nika Kabiri speaks about the role longing plays in decision-making in both healthy and unhealthy ways, how to deal with anticipatory regret, and when to address inaction inertia.  Nika Kabiri has spent over 20 years studying how people make decisions in a variety of contexts, from relationships to business to politics. She is an author and speaker who’s written for The Hill, been featured in Fast Company and Yahoo!, and quoted in The Washington Post. Her website, yournextdecision.com, offers practical advice to people seeking to make better decisions for a better life. Nika has a PhD in Sociology, with a focus on choice theory, as well as a JD. Connect with Nika at: https://www.yournextdecision.com/In this episode, (in order) we talked about…*How emotions impact decision making*The role of the gut in decision making, and when to strictly rely on your gut*Decisions with a high or a low tolerance for error*Decision fatigue in relation to the pandemic and why we relied on conspiracy theories*Setting boundaries around decisions to protect your mental health*The connection between longing and the scarcity trap*How to overcome the fear of regret *How culture tricks us into believing we are in control of outcomes*How to respond to those who tell you you’re an overthinker*Why we should look for information, not advice, from our friends*How inaction inertia keeps us from changing our decision-making patterns*The difference between a decision-making scientist and a therapistQuotes: “Longing is an emotional reaction to experiencing a gap between where you crave to be and where you are. It’s the emotional experience you feel when that gap seems insurmountable.”“I like to think of longing as a data point. One bit of information you need to consider as you decide how to move through your life. If you experience a longing, you have to pay attention to it.” “When people say, ‘I have to live my best me,’ and ‘I have to follow my bliss,’---it drives me up a wall. It’s insensitive. The reality is people rely on you to survive in a way, and you can’t ignore that.”“When we are in a situation of uncertainty, that’s when we start to use heuristics (mental shortcuts) rather than relying on information.”“Longing can be a very comfortable place to be (when there are unknowns). We tend to fear regrets and risks. We get stuck in longing because we don’t know what decisions to make along the way."“For a long time I longed for a particular house. Now I have it. I longed for a particular type of career. Now I have it. It feels worse to not have that longing for it. I want to long for something else now. It’s made me realize that longing may be part of that human experience. To be satisfied, to me anyways, doesn’t feel as great as feeling hungry.” “The perfect outcome is probably unattainable. Your goal should be to maximize your chances. That’s about the process and not the outcomes. It’s about, ‘What can I do in the process of making a decision to make the (desired) outcome as likely as possible?’”“Blame is an answer to, 'Why did something happen?' We think we need answers because the more we feel we understand, the more we feel we have control over the future decisions we make…If you constantly think about YOUR next decision, then you don’t have to be mired in all the blame, shame and meaning making.”“If you find yourself making a certain decision over and over again, the likelihood of making that same decision is more likely in the future….The question is how much do you want to override that tendency for a better life.” Let’s connect:

Send us a textEpisode 6: Veterinarian Bob Irmiger talks about mourning a sick pet before they're even gone, the agonizing decision to euthanize a pet, the process of euthanasia, and how you know when it’s time to let go.  Dr. Bob Irmiger intimately knows the longing pet owners experience before and after euthanizing a loved one. I know from personal experience. Last May, Dr. Bob came to our home to help us release our Shih Tzu's spirit from her ailing body. For over 40 years, Dr. Bob has been caring for pets throughout their life spans. After graduating with honors from Michigan State University’s College of Veterinary Medicine, he accepted an intern position in small animal medicine and surgery at the University of Illinois. Upon completion of his internship, Dr. Irmiger moved to Boulder, Colorado in 1982. He has practiced in the Denver/Boulder area for 40 years. He is currently semi-retired and operating a house-call service. Irmiger has been married for 44 years to his wife, Sally Irmiger. Together they have two children, three grandchildren, two border collies and two shelter dogs.  In this episode, we talked about…*Worrying you’ve decided to euthanize your pet too soon or too late*The insensitive things friends unintentionally say*How you know when it’s time to say goodbye*How some dogs will hide their pain to hang on longer*The process of euthanizing a pet and the body’s natural responses *How sometimes people just need to be given permission to let go*Dogs’ spirits leaving their bodies prior to medically passing*How longing can impact your decision to keep your pet alive longer than, perhaps, you should*Why you shouldn’t worry about making your vet comfortable during euthanasia*How losing a pet can be more traumatic than losing a parent or spouse*Advice for euthanizing a pet with kids around*Resources for dealing with the grief of losing a petQuotes: “I’ve had people six months or even a year later check in to see if they’d made the right decision…In most cases, they aren’t doing it too soon.” “Some dogs are worn out. Those are the ones that are difficult to know if it’s time.”“Losing the cat was more difficult than losing her husband. She had time to adjust to her husband dying of cancer… the cat’s death was sudden.”“Twenty percent of people call and say they aren’t ready after they’ve made an appt for euthanasia and then they apologize for bothering me. Don’t worry about me.”“I have had people who haven’t been able to pet their dog in weeks because the pet has been in so much pain. With the sedative they’re able to pet them. So, people get time to be with their pet.” “I am more likely to wait too long than any of my clients I take care of. The day before I had to treat her [his own dog] with medication, she was hiding from me because she was sick of me trying to keep her alive.”“Most vets get kinda stupid when it’s their own pet. It’s easy to give people advice when it’s not your pet.”“I’ve learned a lot from hospice nurses. In vet school we weren’t taught how to put a pet to sleep—in terms of how to help people with the loss.” Resources: https://vet.osu.edu/vmc/companion/our-services/honoring-bond-support-resources-pet-ownersLet’s connect: www.amandajmccracken.com 

Send us a textEpisode 5: Writer Tawny Lara speaks about her own sobriety journey, how she became known as the Sober Sexpert, and the benefits to booze-free sex, dating and relationships.  With the help of yoga, meditation, therapy, and writing, Tawny Lara quit drinking in 2015 right before her 30th birthday.  But she says she found that she didn’t know how to date without alcohol. The now 36-year-old NYC-based millennial known as The Sober Sexpert is writing a book called Dry Humping: a Guide to Booze-Free Sex, Dating, and Relationships (Quirk, Summer 2023), a guide book, she says she needed when got sober. Her work is featured in Playboy, Men's Health, Huffington Post, and two essay collections: Sex and the Single Woman (Harper Perennial 2022) and The Addiction Diaries (LaunchPad 2020). She is the co-host of Recovery Rocks podcast and story developer for the Webby-award winning podcast, F*cking Sober.Connect with Tawny at: www.tawnylara.com In this episode, we talked about… The biphasic effect of alcoholThe social and physical benefits of booze-free sex, dating, and relationships Tawny’s journey to sobriety How being a bartender impacted who and how she datedThe false notion of liquid courageWhy you shouldn’t use alcohol to power through sex or mask your sexual identityHow alcohol encourages false longings and numbs true longingsDisassociation during sexWhy it’s important to know what you like and do not like sexually while soberWhy alcohol neurologically makes it hard to truly connect with someoneSober dating ideas (hint: add movement)Quotes: "Binge drinking, that’s just what you do when you are a bar tender.  I was the weird girl bringing shots to a table of people who just wanted to have a glass of wine. ""I didn’t have sober hook ups. And even if I was sober when sleeping with my partners, we were probably hung over or going out for drinks later that night.""When I’m talking about sober sex and dating, it’s not just removing alcohol from the equation but examining the role alcohol plays in your sex, dating, and love life." "Alcohol can numb your longing and also give you a false longing. You might want something drunk that you don’t want when you’re sober.""When I removed myself from the bar scene, I quickly learned who were my friends and who were my drinking buddies.""I am bisexual and I embraced my bisexuality in sobriety. I had several queer friends who have come out in sobriety. It’s common.""The most important part of sober dating is spending time dating yourself, figure out who you are without alcohol, what you like and don’t like.""I woke up one day and realized that my drinking was standing in the way of me working on my writing. TV and film make it seem like you have to lose everything before you quit drinking. I saw where my life was going and didn’t want to go there, so I got ahead of it."Resources: Sober Dating 101: A Guide to Romance and Sex to the Newly SoberLet's Connect: www.amandajmccracken.com

Send us a text Episode 4: Executive Coach Vivian James Rigney speaks about the loneliness and negative inner dialogue he encountered during his two-month climb of Mount Everest and what it taught him about vulnerability, authenticity, and legacy.Vivian James Rigney is President and CEO of Inside Us LLC, an executive coaching consultancy. He is known for building strong rapport with people and asking tough and incisive questions. A graduate of École Nationale Des Ponts et Chaussées in Paris, he is a renowned speaker on mindset and behavior, whose talks have inspired audiences globally.  The Irishman recounts this life-changing experience on Mount Everest in his new book, Naked at the Knife-Edge: What Everest Taught Me About Leadership and the Power of Vulnerability  Connect with Vivian: https://vivianjamesrigney.com/  In this episode, we talked about....The Seven Summits he climbed The importance of creating a team of people who share similar values The moment he thought he was going to die looking at the knife edgeHow the experience climbing Mount Everest impacted who and how he datedHow he reconnects with the self-compassion he experienced climbing Mt EverestThe inner dialogue in our minds that spits out soundbites of self-judgementThe butterflies he noticed during his climb at 25,000 feet Being raised in a culture where vulnerability is seen as a weaknessAdvice he has for people stuck longing and afraid to take risksQuotes:  "Longing is something which is anemic to the present. It brings our minds back to things we experienced in the past or things we want to experience in the future. It holds us prisoner to something that doesn’t exist.""The first goal of climbing Mount Everest is coming down alive." "This voice came to me deep within my core and it asked, “Why are you here?” And I did not know.... The moment I thought of my [deceased] brother, the noise went away. I felt peace. I thought, 'If I pass here, then I’m with him.'  My inner dialogue went from ten out of ten to two out of ten. " “If [danger] is some sort of addictive thing and we use that fear of death to search for something we aren’t finding, I ask, 'What’s getting in the way of you being alive today?'" "If longing lives rent free in our heads, then it’s burning energy and time. It’s not allowing us to be in the present which is not allowing us to be ourselves."  "I felt liberated in realizing I could be both vulnerable and strong at the same time.""At my memorial, I hope people won’t talk about all my bloody achievements. My wish is for people to remember how I made them feel. If I achieve that, maybe I’ll leave a little ding on the universe.."Links/Resourceshttps://mountaintrip.com/Let’s Connect: www.amandajmccracken.com

Send us a textCecilia (name changed for privacy) is a writer, gardener, and competitive runner. She is currently exploring recovery from her eating disorder and how that relates to her desire for food and other desires she has long considered forbidden weaknesses. At the age of 14, she became blind as a result of a car accident. She says she had to learn to be tough and live without many things most people take for granted.  But the theme of denial started earlier in her life when her eating disorder began at the age of 8. Losing her sight reinforced her sense of living with loss. It wasn’t until she was 30 that she sought out treatment. In this episode, I speak with Cecilia before and after her three-month visit to an inpatient treatment center—her third one.  The post-treatment part of the interview starts at 28:00.In this episode, we talked about…Satisfaction vs LongingHow religion encourages longing and whether or not it’s healthyLonging to see colorThe difference between mourning a loss and longing for something you never hadWhether blindness is an obstacle to overcome or identityThe role fear and control play in eating disorders The difference between eating disorders and other addictive disordersLetting go of the proverbially log to grab the life raftHow resisting eating and smelling food helps her protect herself from some memories associated with food and how binging on food allows her to soothe other memoriesWhat the Minnesota Starvation Experiment says about longing (mind vs body)How we have to retrain our brain when negative patterns become ingrainedQuotes“Longing is desperately wanting something that is missing, not necessarily something you can’t have. I don’t long for a different reality because I can’t imagine it.” “My blindness is core to who I am. I am not expected to overcome being a woman or the fact I live in the United States. It bothers me that people think I should overcome my blindness.”“I long to see colors again, but I know it’s never going to happen again. I have a concept of them in my head, but I worry that my own concept is limited. I want to have the experience that goes beyond my imagination. My imagination is not limited by reality.”“Food is something I desperately crave, like security, comfort, & belonging. All of these are things food, taste, and smell can provide us. I do long for those things, but I can’t think about it because it’s too terrifying. If I were to want all those things, I feel like I wouldn’t be able to function. So I need to tell myself that I don’t deserve or need those things.”“I replace food with power and control I get when I can restrict myself from food.”  “You have to let go of the log you’re clinging to in order to grab on to the life raft.”“Ultimately nobody can force you to eat, and you can keep fighting against this thing you are longing for. At some point, you have to choose to say, ‘Here are all those things I’m terrified about and I’m still going to take this chance that I have to eat.’” “At some point, the brain of someone with an eating disorder just doesn’t work properly and there’s no reasoning your way through it. It’s having to go through the process of learning to eat again. It makes me cringe that I’m having to relearn to eat.”“With my eating disorder I’m in this battle between my mind and my body. My body wants and needs food. I either want to deny it or I want to punish it with food by giving it way too much. It’s rare that someone only restricts when they have an eating disorder. It’s usually a combination of both binging and restricting.”Links/Resources: To learn more about the Minnesota Starvation Experiment check out: 

Send us a textEpisode 2: Melissa Lockman, LCSW: Marshall Fire survivor speaks about her family’s experience processing the loss of their home and neighborhood, how everyone grieves differently, and the importance in validating loss and taking time to pauseMelissa Lockman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, and maternal and infant mental health expert. She says she has “an exquisite reverence for the ability of humans to heal from trauma.” In addition to her mental health training, Melissa has a master’s degree in Feminist Studies and a bachelor’s in ecology. She is a Libra, a mother to two children (10 & 6 years old), and a wife to her life partner of 26 years. Melissa says she finds balance and connection where it is tenuous or hidden. On December 30th 2021, her family’s home and Cornerstone neighborhood were decimated in the Marshall Fire. She talks about how her family and neighbors are processing the trauma. Connect with Melissa:  Website: www.melissalockman.comIn this episode, we talked about…The “God moment” in their escape—her daughter’s insightThe moment they knew their home was gone & how they told their childrenHow her family members respond & grieve the loss of their home differentlyHow longing tastes differently when there is or isn’t a choice in the changeHer love for popovers and the role of smell in memoryThe painful process of itemizing your entire life for insurance purposesPerspectives on “Marshall Strong” and the terms “survivor” vs. “victim”The outpouring of community helpHow she sees herself as a container to the bodies and souls of her childrenHow to balance a healthy sense of longing without the corrosive nature of obsessingGiving longing a place in time (validate loss and then pause)Quotes“When we drove away from their neighborhood, we could see flames 150 yards away.”“This tragedy would have been a whole other story if we had lost those guinea pigs.”“We all process grief so differently in our family. It was four different universes of experiences all on one couch.”“My daughter screamed and screamed and screamed. My son cried, ‘My Coca-Cola Haribo from my Christmas stocking…’ That was his moment of loss. Then he didn’t want to hear the word fire and wants to pretend we are on vacation.”“We miss the sweet smell of our home on a Saturday morning. One of the first things people sent us was a new popover tin.”“You let people be wherever they are. Grief is so different on the inside than what it looks like from the observer.” “In the past couple of weeks, we have said that we are each other’s home.”" Often, something happens too fast for the nervous system to make sense of something overwhelming. When someone says to me, ‘I really miss that stack of photo albums that I’d been saving forever that I hadn’t scanned,’ I say, ‘Yes, and can we just pause there?’ and let the pause happen so the longing has a place, has a spot in time, and doesn’t get skipped over. If we can just pause in life more, I think it leads to a little more integration.” Links/Resources:The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis WellerIt’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan DevineFor traumatic healing check out www.traumahealing.comLet’s ConnectWebsite: www.amandajmccracken.com

Send us a textRomance novelist Rachel McMillan discusses the intersection of sex-positive feminism and celibacy, the joys of traveling solo, why women want the slow-burn romance, and how longing fuels her creativity and cultivates gratitude.Rachel McMillan is a Toronto-based Valentine Day-born romance novelist, avid traveler, literary agent, and history buff. When she’s not writing romance or mystery, you can often find her traveling through Europe doing research for her next story. Her first nonfiction publication, Dream, Plan, Go: A Travel Guide for Independent Adventure was written to inspire adventure near and far. Like myself, Rachel is a self-proclaimed sex-positive feminist virgin who grew up going to church (her father is a minister). Rachel connected with me on social media in 2015 after reading an essay I’d written on celibacy. We’ve been following each other’s paths ever since. While you won’t find bodice-ripping Fabio characters in her stories, you will find heroes and heroines who value their lovers and treat them as equals.In this episode, we talked about…• How longing results in gratitude• Pursuing versus waiting • How romantic moments can exist solo • Investing in friendships versus romantic relationships• Her love for Vienna• How romance novels can set positive expectations for women• The importance of waiting for a “hero” who treasures you and treats you as an equal• The most successful hero/heroine characters among her readers• Writing sex scenes• Her choice to remain celibate until marriage • Learning to be your own best company/traveling solo • Sex-positive feminism • Medical professionals’ lack of tact when speaking about virginity with patients • Her love for TV Christmas movies​​Quotes“A woman should never wait for a companion—a friend or a guy—to do anything….I made up my mind there is nothing I would not do, whether it was try out a new restaurant or go to a show at a theater….I have had pretty romantic moments in cities where I have met people…..Every woman should have to travel solo once.”“Where’s the shower for the woman getting a Phd?”“(Romance novels) can set the expectation that you should invest in a relationship that makes you feel valued and cherished. I have had occasional emails from women who have said that after reading one of my books and meeting one of my heroes, they decided to leave a relationship because they wanted to be treated better. (Romance novels) can help you see you should be treated better.”“I always make sure that my heroine is set whether she has a man or not.”“My belief in celibacy being ideal in a romantic relationship is far more from my romantic nature than a bunch of guys behind a pulpit saying, ‘Wear a ring.’”“When I write heroes who wait a little bit, women love that. And most of the women I hear from have never stepped foot in a church.”“Women want the slow-burn romance. They love when a touch of a hand is just as sexy or sensual as a full-on scene.”“I just want readers to know they should hold out for a romance that makes them feel treasured, valued and an equal. And if they don’t find that, they’re going to be fine.”“I am a liberal Christian and a feminist. For me, waiting is revolutionary. And I will die on that hill.”

Send us a text Welcome to The Longing Lab podcast trailer!  I'll share how my personal story led me to start this podcast, the types of guests you'll have the opportunity to hear, and why I believe it will help many listeners.