Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship

Are there rules for making plans with friends? Who should be the one to suggest the day, time, and place? If you reach out for plans, should you also throw out some dates that might work? OR, do you wait for the other person to "prove" their interest by offering some dates on the calendar?The short answer: there are no rules.The longer answer (only 16 minutes), is this week's episode-- "Rules for Making Plans With Friends." It's the newest letter spotlight episode, which gave me the chance to answer two anonymous friendship dilemmas and talk about a long-held pet peeve of mine when making plans.I hope this episode helps you schedule time with friends! Resources and links mentioned in the episode:Previous letter spotlight episode: "Friendships Between Sisters-in-Law"Previous letter spotlight episode: "Friends Who Never Ask About You"Episode 120 with Emma Nadler: "6 Ways to Be a More Generous Friend"The Joy of Connections by Ruth Westheimer and Allison GilbertEpisode 116 with Allison Gilbert: "Lose Track of Who Makes the Plans and 7 Other Friendship Tips From Dr. Ruth"ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.Thank you to this week's sponsor: https://www.sassythoughts.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Being generous in our friendships makes us better friends and keeps solid friends in our lives. We're not talking about money here! To quote this week's guest, relationship-based therapist and author, Emma Nadler, "When we act more generously we feel better. So there's a lot in it for you, too." We discussed Emma's top five ways to be a more generous friend, and I added one of mine to the list. So yes, in 29 minutes you're getting SIX ways to be more generous in your friendships, which research links to a happier, more fulfilling life. Emma Nadler is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker. Her memoir, The Unlikely Village of Eden, is about learning to adapt when life doesn’t go to plan, redefining community, and creating your own imperfect path. She has also written for The Washington Post, Salon, Huffington Post, and Newsweek, among others. In her private practice, she helps people build deeper relationships—including friendships—and cultivate more of what they want, even with life's inevitable challenges. Find Emma's newsletter on Substack: "Hope is the New Hot" and she's on Instagram @emmanadlerwrites.Resources and links mentioned in the episode:Emma's article in Next Avenue, "5 Ways to be a More Generous Friend"Emma's memoir, The Unlikely Village of EdenEmma's first episode on Dear Nina, "How to Support a Friend Facing an Ambiguous Loss""Most generous interpretation" -- a concept discussed often by Dr. Becky KennedyAnna Goldfarb's second episode on Dear Nina, "The 14-Day Friendship Cleanse"Anna Goldfarb's book, Modern FriendshipOlga Khazan's articles: "The Friendship Paradox" and "Stop Firing Your Friends"Our friend Debra's instagram: @fortheloveofcookbooksPrevious episode with Jill Smokler and battling cancer and how friends can show up in supportPLEASE NOTE: Listening to this podcast in no way creates a client/therapist relationship with Emma Nadler. This is educational in nature. No legal, counseling, or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. If you are having a mental health emergency, please contact 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. You can also text or call 988 for the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.Thank you to this week's sponsor: https://www.sassythoughts.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

What if your next good friend is an old friend who drifted away from your life for reasons of circumstance and not personality or hurt feelings? If you're in a stage of life where you're lonely, you've moved, or you simply want to shake up your social life, your next solid friendship might be waiting for you in "the past." Yes, reviving old friendships could be the missing piece in your current friendships. Maybe you went to college with this friend, worked together, sat on the bleachers when the kids were young, or met from any number of ways we connect with others. Not all past friendships merit a revival, but some do!My guest is author Kay Paschal, who shares her story of having a really tight group of friends in her 20s who welcomed her back in after decades of little time together. Now retired, Kay is reflective on friendships in a way that inspired me. I think you'll enjoy what she has to say.Some other points discussed in the episode:This very natural fade is somewhat related to episode #109 with Dr. Miriam Kirmayer about "quiet quitting." Kay and I are discussing reviving those friendships when it might fill out your social world in a different stage of life.Friendships fade when "the third place" disappears. (Example: You're no longer on the bleachers together watching the kids play baseball.)The often quoted study about replacing friends every seven years. (Comes up in many episodes!)Avoid burning a bridge in relationships.Developing an "open-door policy" in your mindset about past friendshipsLook for a friend, not a group.Thank that friend who does so much of the planning and inviting! (Shout out to Kay's friend, Linda.)The natural feelings of wondering why you weren't invited when certain members of a group get together without you.Kay: "You can't invite 10 people to everything you do."Meet Kay Paschal:After founding and owning 2 private preschools for 25 years in Atlanta, Kay started a new career by writing a book and speaking to moms and women's organizations and participating in parenting conferences around the country. Kay's book, Insert Giggle Giggle: Laughing Your Way through Raising Kids and Running a Business was recognized by Zibby Owens Media as a Finalist, Best Book for the Parent. Kay also hosts a podcast on Spotify, Kay's Gigglecast, with short, 10-minute grabs on women issues that are easy to consume while multi-tasking through your day. Find Kay on her website and on Instagram.  ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.Thank you to this week's sponsor: https://www.sassythoughts.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

"Social" prescriptions from your doctor? Yes! What if for the sake of our mental and physical health doctors wrote prescriptions for cycling groups, fishing clubs, or volunteer positions on a farm? Those are real scenarios in Julia Hotz's THE CONNECTION CURE: The Prescriptive Power of Movement, Nature, Art, Service and Belonging, "the first book exploring the science, stories, and spread of social prescribing."In today's episode, a perfect follow-up to last week's episode on the importance of hobbies for the empty nest and retirement, Julia and I discussed these activity-based and creative "medical" solutions to the post-30s friendship struggles that are so commonplace nowadays as people live far from previous friends and family, work remotely, and spend more time than ever on screens.WHAT IS SOCIAL PRESCRIBING? In Julia's words, "Social, in the public health context, is about everything in a person's environment from where they live, to how they cope with stress, to what their job is like, and whether it fulfills them. All of these things boil down to what are called your social determinants of health. We have data showing that up to 80% of our health is determined by these social factors. What social prescribing then refers to is any non-medical community-based activity or resource that is prescribed to improve your health and well-being."MY FAVORITE QUOTE IN THE BOOK: “This book is guided by real patients' lived experiences, but everyone's lived experience is different. In fact, that's what social prescribing is all about. Instead of what's the matter with you, a fixed list of symptoms, it focuses on what matters to you."MEET JULIA HOTZJulia Hotz is a solutions journalist and author of THE CONNECTION CURE: The Prescriptive Power of Movement, Nature, Art, Service and Belonging (Simon & Schuster). The book has been featured in NBC, BBC, Scientific American, NPR, GOOP, The Good Life Project and more. Find Julia on socialprescribing.co and Instagram.LINKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODEStudy showing we lose half of our friends every seven years.Skip the Small Talk events are grounded in psychology research that help strangers get to know each other and help with practicing vulnerability in conversation.Dear Nina: The (Facebook) Group where we have been compiling a great list of hobbies have started and groups people have joined.ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.Thank you to this week's sponsor: https://www.sassythoughts.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

"Many friends are entering the empty nest phase of their lives and some are really dreading it. Celebrities like Brooke Shields share on social media how they aren't ready. Planning ahead by embracing new hobbies and friendships can help change the focus during this major life shift." Those words are from guests Dara Collins and Donna Kassman, queens of mahjong and canasta. Maybe a game is not your thing, that's okay. There is a new (or old!) passion out there waiting for you. I started playing tennis again when I was 44. I'm 47 now and had not played since I was 15. It's been an immense joy and a surprising expansion of my social life too.Hobbies are an investment in your future retirement and empty nest social life. And socializing at all ages is important for combating loneliness and keeping your brain active. Did you love a sport or activity as a kid, but you've neglected that hobby (or any non-work, non-family passion) as an adult? This episode is for you!We have two messages today about hobbies and friendship: #1. Get involved in hobbies when you're still in a full and busy stage of life. You're planting seeds for later!#2. But it's never too late to get involved in a new hobby.Meet Dara Collins and Donna KassmanDara and Donna are two friends and former attorneys in South Florida who met when their now 23-year-olds were in Mommy and Me classes. In 2019, they created Mahjong Dice™ and began their small business with a beautiful roll on ModernMahjong.com. They expanded into many other mahjong and canasta items, including books on both subjects, and links and opportunities to find teachers and join tournaments. They also organize tournaments and teach throughout the year. Find Modern Mahjong on Instagram, on their Facebook page, and through their Mahjong Community Facebook group of over 47,000 people.  ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.Thank you to this week's sponsor: https://www.sassythoughts.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

What a thrill to interview author and journalist Allison Gilbert, who met with Dr. Ruth Westheimer, of blessed memory, every week for a year during what would be the last year of Dr. Ruth's life. Together they worked on Dr. Ruth's final book, The Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life.Dr. Ruth was determined to help people suffering from loneliness and dysfunctional friendships, and I believe this book accomplishes that task. We just need everyone to read it! I underlined parts of every chapter and folded over MANY pages because I adore Dr. Ruth's straightforward, solution-oriented advice.For this episode, I forced myself to choose, what in my opinion, are the top 8 no-nonsense Dr. Ruth friendship nuggets of pure wisdom I'm certain will help you with your friendships the most. They're already helping me since finishing the book and recording this episode with Allison, who so beautifully represents and embodies Dr. Ruth's words.MEET ALLISON GILBERT: Allison Gilbert is an Emmy Award-winning journalist and author. She is co-author of The Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life with world-renowned therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Find Allison on Instagram, Facebook, and X.The two NYT articles mentioned in the episode:"Dr. Ruth Saved People’s Sex Lives. Now She Wants to Cure Loneliness." "Long After ‘Sexually Speaking,’ Dr. Ruth Taught Me About Friendship"  The top 8 no-nonsense friendship tips from Dr. Ruth that Allison and I covered in much more detail in the episode are listed on dearninafriendship.com. ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.Thank you to this week's sponsor: https://www.sassythoughts.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today's "Quick Friendship Tip" is about how to capture the attitude and spirit of that special "freshman energy" apparent on any college campus in the first three weeks of school when making new friends as an adult.There is something real happening in that freshman year, specifically the first three weeks, that is magical for friend making. I saw it while dropping off my son for his freshmen year of college in August, and I remember it from my own freshmen year. I'm grateful to former guest, Gretchen Rubin, (who also recently dropped off a child for freshmen year) for sharing a 2015 NYT article in her newsletter by Nicholas A Christakis called "Making Friends in New Places." Christakis described in more detail what exactly is happening in those first three weeks. I did not imagine it just a few months ago during the initial college move in days. While adult life cannot replicate those three weeks in exactly the same way, I have some ideas about how we can take what's essential about that vulnerable time and use it to our advantage as adults when we're in periods of having to make new friends or just wanting to get out of a friend rut. ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.Thank you to this week's sponsor: https://www.sassythoughts.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Do you know your Enneagram (personality) type and how your core fears and desires impact your friendships? I understood very little about anything Enneagram related before my interview with Christina S. Wilcox, author of Take Care of Your Friends: An Enneagram Guide to Interpersonal Relationships. I still have a lot to learn!Consider this episode an introduction to the Enneagram and a reminder that each of us is wired differently through nature, nurture, and life's experiences. Understanding ourselves on a deep level helps us be better friends because it gives us more patience and grace for others. The Enneagram is one tool towards that goal.There are many resources online about Enneagram tests and more. I took a free quiz here. Please note: I have no idea how this site compares to others!Meet Christina S. Wilcox:Christina is a 26-year-old author, mental health advocate, enneagram expert, and creative in Denver, Colorado. You may recognize her from her first book Take Care of Your Type: An Enneagram Guide to Self-Care, or from one of her Instagram graphics created for over 90K followers. Find Christina on her website, her podcast, her Youtube channel, and of course on Instagram.ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.Thank you to this week's sponsor: https://www.sassythoughts.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

So, you've unintentionally hurt your friend's feelings. Or, your friend hurt your feelings, likely not on purpose. My wise mom joins me in this replay episode about forgiveness---asking for forgiveness and wanting apologies from others. We also discussed grudges, forgiving but not forgetting, personal stories of our own pettiness and others' pettiness, and more.LINKS MENTIONED:The 20 questions my husband uses for self-reflection around Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The article I wrote for Kveller in 2014, “Waiting For an Apology That Will Never Come”The article I wrote for The Jewish Daily Forward in 2013, “The Benefit of the Doubt for the New Year”Other episodes featuring my mom: The Friend Who Will Only TextWhen Friends Ask Questions You Don’t Want to AnswerWidowhood and FriendshipTwo quotes by Maggie Smith in her book, Keep Moving: “Maybe we say ‘holding a grudge’ because that kind of resentment is a heavy thing you have to wrap your arms around to carry. Holding it weighs you down, not the other person. Set it down anytime. Right now, for instance. Keep moving.”“Expect that what you tend to will grow. Expect that what you feed with your care and attention, what you shine your light on, will thrive. Choose wisely. Keep moving.”Quote from my mom on grudges: “Well, you’ve heard this before. People say that holding a grudge weighs you down, not the other person. So that’s how forgiveness is tied into grudge holding. If you can forgive somebody and keep moving forward, it’s much better for you psychologically.” ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.Thank you to this week's sponsor: https://www.sassythoughts.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

This week's friendship topic is the frenzy of college admissions and how it affects friendships between teens and how it potentially affects friendships between those teens' parents, too. Most importantly, we discuss how to approach the college admissions world with a level head!Meet Kate Proger:Kate Proger, is a college planning consultant and admissions expert. With degrees in both psychology and educational testing, as well as executive function coach training, Kate has helped hundreds of students find the university that is their perfect fit. (We discuss at length that there is more than one "right" fit.) Find Kate on her site: Kate Proger College Consulting.We discussed:Book mentioned---Where You Go Is Not Who You Will Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania by Frank Bruni Sharing information or not about where you're applying--privacy vs. intimacyUnderstanding that everyone has reasons for their list (budgets, distance, etc.). We cannot assume we know what's going on behind closed doors Being happy for your friends (or your friends' kids) when admissions decisions arriveThe potential for parents to make some new friends in this next stage of parentingNew social opportunities for college students to seek more of what you liked socially in high school and less of what you didn't enjoyThe reality of kids "soiling the nest" before they leave or sometimes the exact opposite happens (glorifying the next)ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.Thank you to this week's sponsor: https://www.sassythoughts.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands