Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship

So, you've unintentionally hurt your friend's feelings. Or, your friend hurt your feelings, likely not on purpose. My wise mom joins me in this replay episode about forgiveness---asking for forgiveness and wanting apologies from others. We also discussed grudges, forgiving but not forgetting, personal stories of our own pettiness and others' pettiness, and more.LINKS MENTIONED:The 20 questions my husband uses for self-reflection around Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The article I wrote for Kveller in 2014, “Waiting For an Apology That Will Never Come”The article I wrote for The Jewish Daily Forward in 2013, “The Benefit of the Doubt for the New Year”Other episodes featuring my mom: The Friend Who Will Only TextWhen Friends Ask Questions You Don’t Want to AnswerWidowhood and FriendshipTwo quotes by Maggie Smith in her book, Keep Moving: “Maybe we say ‘holding a grudge’ because that kind of resentment is a heavy thing you have to wrap your arms around to carry. Holding it weighs you down, not the other person. Set it down anytime. Right now, for instance. Keep moving.”“Expect that what you tend to will grow. Expect that what you feed with your care and attention, what you shine your light on, will thrive. Choose wisely. Keep moving.”Quote from my mom on grudges: “Well, you’ve heard this before. People say that holding a grudge weighs you down, not the other person. So that’s how forgiveness is tied into grudge holding. If you can forgive somebody and keep moving forward, it’s much better for you psychologically.” ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.SPECIAL SPONSOR: Get Red PR is a boutique lifestyle agency that understands how smart, well-executed PR strategies offer the most cost-effective way to move markets. Visit getredpr.com!Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code DEARNINA for a great deal: https://www.armoire.style* Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/DEARNINAAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

This week's friendship topic is the frenzy of college admissions and how it affects friendships between teens and how it potentially affects friendships between those teens' parents, too. Most importantly, we discuss how to approach the college admissions world with a level head!Meet Kate Proger:Kate Proger, is a college planning consultant and admissions expert. With degrees in both psychology and educational testing, as well as executive function coach training, Kate has helped hundreds of students find the university that is their perfect fit. (We discuss at length that there is more than one "right" fit.) Find Kate on her site: Kate Proger College Consulting.We discussed:Book mentioned---Where You Go Is Not Who You Will Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania by Frank Bruni Sharing information or not about where you're applying--privacy vs. intimacyUnderstanding that everyone has reasons for their list (budgets, distance, etc.). We cannot assume we know what's going on behind closed doors Being happy for your friends (or your friends' kids) when admissions decisions arriveThe potential for parents to make some new friends in this next stage of parentingNew social opportunities for college students to seek more of what you liked socially in high school and less of what you didn't enjoyThe reality of kids "soiling the nest" before they leave or sometimes the exact opposite happens (glorifying the next)ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.SPECIAL SPONSOR: Get Red PR is a boutique lifestyle agency that understands how smart, well-executed PR strategies offer the most cost-effective way to move markets. Visit getredpr.com!Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code DEARNINA for a great deal: https://www.armoire.style* Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/DEARNINAAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

It's another letter spotlight episode! This week's anonymous letter is from a woman with two friends who never ask about her. She's fed up doing all the listening and none of the talking. She wants to know how to handle this friendship dynamic and whether other Dear Nina listeners deal with this same issue. Let us know in our facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group.In The Letter Spotlight series I'll be reading one anonymous letter from my inbox every six weeks or so and sharing my answer. Last month's letter was about issues between sisters-in-law.ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.SPECIAL SPONSOR: Get Red PR is a boutique lifestyle agency that understands how smart, well-executed PR strategies offer the most cost-effective way to move markets. Visit getredpr.com!Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code DEARNINA for a great deal: https://www.armoire.style* Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/DEARNINAAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Thrilled to welcome Dr. James F. Richardson, author of Our Worst Strength: American Individualism and Its Hidden Discontents, who explains how his neurodivergent friend difficulties inspired a deeper exploration of, "how our American value of self-reliant individualism encourages us to be way too independent, undermining many relationships, including our friendships." Listeners will appreciate James's sense of humor, heart, and practical tips for understanding each of our friends as individuals and considering the people in our community who could use an invitation.James, like many GenX neurodivergent people, had no diagnoses until later in adult life. He says, "In writing my recent book, I step back and connect disparate laments in public discourse (weak community, weak friendships, weak family ties, shallow approaches to fun and dating, junk food, impulse-driven diets) back to our very American, hyper-individualistic approach to life in general. We are settlers on our own personal frontiers, I like to say. We curate, personalize, and edit everything. And it's not working out too well for many of us—this unstructured, de-ritualized life of infinite opportunity and lonely stumbling. We try hard to curate our social worlds as executive editor instead of letting them build through giving and receiving our time organically. I was the worst at this in my twenties. I curated an austere, monkish life that was not good for me or anyone. Monks have far more community than I experienced! And more friends!" Meet James F. Richardson:James F. Richardson is a Ph.D. cultural anthropologist who has studied American society for twenty years as a market research consultant. Recently, the author of a new nonfiction book – Our Worst Strength: American Individualism and Its Hidden Discontents - questions our approach to individualism as a way of life. He lives in Tucson, Arizona, where he writes a weekly Substack — Homo Imaginari — for a growing international readership.ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.SPECIAL SPONSOR: Get Red PR is a boutique lifestyle agency that understands how smart, well-executed PR strategies offer the most cost-effective way to move markets. Visit getredpr.com!Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code DEARNINA for a great deal: https://www.armoire.style* Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/DEARNINAAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

"Quiet quitting" is the latest term for withdrawing from a friendship, phasing out, or disengaging completely. In this episode with the insightful Dr. Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist in Montreal who specializes in friendship, we discuss why someone might choose the strategy of "quiet quitting" for fading away from a friend.Let's say you know that a friendship has run its course, but the friend has done nothing wrong. How do we go about distancing from a friend or ending a friendship? How do we process it when we feel a friend withdrawing? How do we negotiate conflict or transitions that are going to come up in many friendships?Meet Dr. Miriam Kirmayer:Dr. Miriam Kirmayer is a clinical psychologist, leading friendship expert, and one of the most influential speakers on human connection and social support. Find free friendship resources on her site and follow her on Instagram and LinkedIn.We discussed:Most people have been on both sides of the "quiet quitting" equationHow quiet quitting differs from ghostingWhen quiet quitting is a good strategy and when it is notWhy we are both strongly against using "quiet quitting" to test a friendFriends cannot read our minds!The struggle many people have to initiate plans, but respecting friends' strengths (and not expecting friends to do things exactly the way we do them)Quiet quitting has its place, but it can also be a sign of an inability to have a vulnerable or direct conversation because of a lack of practice or opportunity to do so.Downgrades in friendships vs. dissolutionsHow to avoid burning a bridge with friends (or old friends)"Quiet quitting works until it doesn't." You might have to be more direct at some point. We discussed some kind ways to do so. ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.SPECIAL SPONSOR: Get Red PR is a boutique lifestyle agency that understands how smart, well-executed PR strategies offer the most cost-effective way to move markets. Visit getredpr.com!Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code DEARNINA for a great deal: https://www.armoire.style* Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/DEARNINAAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Talking to friends about money has always been a taboo topic. What if, instead, discussing money with friends could deepen a friendship?Money can be an enormous issue between friends, which is why I'm revisiting my conversation with Shondaland.com staff writer, Mia Brabham Nolan. We discussed ways to make talking about finances with friends less awkward. Some of the solutions apply to any topic that's normally private and therefore tough to handle in friendships. Keeping so many topics taboo in a friendship can make the relationship feel surface and lacking in many ways. It might be worth making finances an "approved" topic. We discussed: Our nostalgia about spending time with friends in less expensive waysSplitting the bill with friends (or not)The expense of being in a friend's wedding or traveling to a friend's event The expectations around baby showers and other eventsPlanning group trips and the budget issues involved The awkwardness in talking about money, but also the opportunity. These honest discussions can deepen a friendship and encourage openness about other topics, too.  The two pieces of Mia's in Shondaland.com we specifically discussed in depth:"How Much Are Your Friendships Costing You""The Art of Friendship: How to Open Up About Money"Meet Mia Brabham NolanMia Brabham Nolan is currently a staff writer at Shondaland.com. She pens the series "Joy Makers" and "The Art of Friendship." Her debut book, Note to Self, which is a short collection of life lessons, is in the hands of readers all over the world. Instagram, Twitter, bymiabrabham.comALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.SPECIAL SPONSOR: Get Red PR is a boutique lifestyle agency that understands how smart, well-executed PR strategies offer the most cost-effective way to move markets. Visit getredpr.com!Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code DEARNINA for a great deal: https://www.armoire.style* Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/DEARNINAAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I rarely cover family relationships on Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, but I consistently receive letters about sisters-in-law so I realized it was time to broach the topic.Let me first say, I have a wonderful relationship with my sisters-in-law. I'm lucky! I was still able to take what I know about getting along (or not) with friends and relate it to the sister-in-law problem that listeners and readers keep writing to me about. In this new series, The Letter Spotlight, I'll be sharing one letter every six weeks or so and sharing my answer. The way I answer this month's letter about sisters-in-law also applies to roommates, neighbors, and cousins---relationships that aren't quite friendships but could be (and don't have to be for a successful and happy connection). ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.SPECIAL SPONSOR: Get Red PR is a boutique lifestyle agency that understands how smart, well-executed PR strategies offer the most cost-effective way to move markets. Visit getredpr.com!Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code DEARNINA for a great deal: https://www.armoire.style* Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/DEARNINAAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today is a tough topic, and I'm not going to promise you that we come to an easy solution at the end. The fallout from losing the friendship of an entire group is a heartache that takes tremendous time to heal. Today's guest, is still in that healing process.I spoke to writer and podcaster, Meghan Judge, about her experience being dropped by an entire group of friends in a small community. This happened in her adult life (and not that long ago). Meghan takes us through her story of becoming friends with this group, all that happened when the friendships fell apart, and how she's taking care of her mental health now. With compassion and humor, Meghan gives hope to others who have experienced the same pain.Note: the David Sedaris essay we discussed is "Consider the Stars" from Dress Your Family in Corduroy and DenimMeet Meghan Judge:Meghan is a trauma survivor who covers PTSD, mental health, and suicide prevention on her show Judging Meghan. Through interviews with other survivors, she has learned that there is a way out. "From recovering to surviving and thriving, we all have the strength to come out to the other side." Follow Meghan on Instagram @judgingmeghanALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.SPECIAL SPONSOR: Get Red PR is a boutique lifestyle agency that understands how smart, well-executed PR strategies offer the most cost-effective way to move markets. Visit getredpr.com!Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code DEARNINA for a great deal: https://www.armoire.style* Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/DEARNINAAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

After a trip to Chicago to say goodbye to my childhood house, I appreciated how even one meal with your long distance friends means so much. You need time with your long distance friends, but not as much time as you think. You don't need full weekends away, though of course those are nice. You don't need long retreats in fancy resorts or expensive rental houses.Yes, it's true that with extra time you can cover more ground, but it's still worth making an effort to hangout in person even for one meal, one walk, or one excursion.This sounds obvious, but so many people are waiting for the perfect time and life conditions to spend time with their long distance friends. Don't wait. Even a little bit of time goes a long way.In this short episode, I also celebrated three years of podcasting, announced two new behind-the-scenes team members and two new types of episodes that will appear regularly in the podcast feed.ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.SPECIAL SPONSOR: Get Red PR is a boutique lifestyle agency that understands how smart, well-executed PR strategies offer the most cost-effective way to move markets. Visit getredpr.com!Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code DEARNINA for a great deal: https://www.armoire.style* Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/DEARNINAAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Jill Smokler is the creator of Scary Mommy, one of the most original and successful mom blogs ever. She was also the first mom blogger to sell her site to a major media company. But Dear Nina is not a business podcast, and this is not a discussion about business regrets or rebranding. Jill was recently diagnosed with brain cancer. And since Jill is also my real-life friend from college, this episode is personal.Jill and I had a candid conversation about her diagnosis, her decision to step away from her post-Scary Mommy work, and what she wants her kids to know about friendship. Jill also had specific advice for anyone with a friend who is diagnosed with cancer---what is most helpful, what is least helpful, and everything in between.For updates on Jill (and for her humor and candor!) follow her on Instagram and Threads --both @jillsmokler.Links mentioned:The recent today.com piece on Jill's diagnosis and the rise of Scary MommyJill's books: Confessions of a Scary Mommy and Scary Mommy's Guide to Surviving the HolidaysShe's Got Issues: the podcast and online magazine Jill foundedMy two visits on She's Got Issues: "Friendship-- Mistakes & Hard Lessons Learned" and "Friendship Breakups: Accepting When a Friendship is Over"Jill's previous visit to Dear Nina: "Old School Blogging Friendships"Kate Bowler's book, No Cure For Being Human (And Other Truths I Need to Hear)ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.SPECIAL SPONSOR: Get Red PR is a boutique lifestyle agency that understands how smart, well-executed PR strategies offer the most cost-effective way to move markets. Visit getredpr.com!Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code DEARNINA for a great deal: https://www.armoire.style* Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/DEARNINAAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands