60 Mindful Minutes

Tara Schuster had a rough childhood. By her mid-twenties, she was checking all the boxes on the outside but she was falling apart on the inside. Once she hit rock bottom, she began the process of rebuilding herself, essentially giving herself the parenting she’d never received, in order to start becoming the person she wanted to be. Her story and her process line the pages of her runaway hit, Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies, where she shares all the ways she learned to put herself back together.     Guest Bio Tara Schuster is an accomplished entertainment executive turned mental health advocate and best-selling author. She is the author of the forth coming Glow in the F*cking Dark, and the runaway hit, Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies, a finalist for Goodread’s Best Non-Fiction Book of 2020. It was selected by Cosmopolitan, Real Simple, Goop, Publishers Weekly, and many more as one of the best books of the year on mental health and self-care. Previously, Tara served as vice president of talent and development at Comedy Central, where she was the executive in charge of such critically acclaimed shows as the Emmy and Peabody Award–winning Key & Peele. She has contributed to InStyle, The New Yorker, and Forbes, among others. She lives in Los Angeles.   For episode homepage, resources and links, visit: https://kristenmanieri.com/episode220   Learn more about coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com   Mentioned in this Episode Guest’s book: Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies: And Other Rituals to Fix Your Life, from Someone Who's Been There https://www.amazon.com/Buy-Yourself-cking-Lilies-Rituals/dp/0525509909   Guest’s website: http://www.taraschuster.com/     Host Bio Kristen Manieri is a coach who works with teams to increase both productivity and wellbeing. She also helps individuals navigate transition with clarity and confidence. Her areas of focus are: stress reduction, energy management, mindset, resilience, habit formation, rest rituals, and self-care. As the host of the weekly 60 Mindful Minutes podcast, an Apple top 100 social science podcast, Kristen has interviewed over 200 authors about what it means to live a more conscious, connected, intentional and joyful life. Learn more at kristenmanieri.com/work-with-me.    Learn more about coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com Connect with the 60 Mindful Minutes podcast   Web: https://kristenmanieri.com Email: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com   Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/60MindfulMinutes Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristenmanieri_/ Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/kristenmanieri/  

Any number of things can come along to mess up the order we create and topple our well-built boundaries. Such is life. The trick is to have an early warning system that sets off alarms long before we hit overwhelm. In the early 1900s, miners used to keep caged canaries with them to warn them if dangerous gases, such as carbon monoxide, reached lethal levels. If the canary keeled over, it was time to evacuate. What is the canary in your coal mine?   Learn more about Kristen Manieri and coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com KristenManieri.com   Host Bio Kristen Manieri is a coach who works with teams to increase both productivity and wellbeing. She also helps individuals navigate transition with clarity and confidence. Her areas of focus are: stress reduction, energy management, mindset, resilience, habit formation, rest rituals, and self-care. As the host of the weekly 60 Mindful Minutes podcast, an Apple top 100 social science podcast, Kristen has interviewed over 200 authors about what it means to live a more conscious, connected, intentional and joyful life. Learn more at kristenmanieri.com/work-with-me.    Coaching If you’ve ever considered coaching, or if you’re feelings stuck or you’re about to make a big transition, reach out to me and we can talk about how I can help you navigate what’s ahead with more confidence and clarity. You can reach me at Kristen@kristenmanieri.com.   Full Transcript   Have an Alert System   Welcome to 60 Mindful Minutes. I’m Kristen Manieri, the host of this podcast as well as a professional coach. And you’re listening to part four of my end overwhelm series. So far I’ve covered understanding capacity, how to do less and how to say no more often. Today I’m going to be talking about having an alert system so we know when we’re getting close to overwhelm.   Once I know what matters and what doesn’t, and I’m chugging along nicely at 70 percent capacity, it’s only a matter of time before I slip up and start filling in the blank spaces and inching toward 100 percent capacity or beyond.   In my state of ease, I can fall prey to the inevitable tide of overcommitment that can easily roll in when I’m not paying attention.   The holidays arrive and I forget to leave room for all the doingness that goes along with special meals, events, gifts and traditions. A fun project comes my way and I giddily say yes to it before I fully calculate the cost/benefit. I start a course. I make a new friend. I embark on a new hobby. I read a book that inspires me to change the way I eat. We go on a trip. We get a dog. We start a renovation.   Any number of things can come along to mess up the order I’ve created and dislodge my perfect schedule and well-built boundaries. Such is life. The trick is to have an early warning system that sets off alarms long before I hit overwhelm.   In the early 1900s, miners used to keep caged canaries with them to warn them if dangerous gases, such as carbon monoxide, reached lethal levels. If the canary keeled over, it was time to evacuate.   What is the canary in your coal mine?   For me it’s when I drop my morning exercise, start skipping meals or wake up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts. Any of these three things warns me that I’ve got too much on my plate. I know that sleep, food and exercise are such essential aspects of my life that when they suffer, it’s a sign that I’ve let too many other things creep in.    Maybe for you it’s noticing when your anxiety starts to climb. Maybe you start pouring a little more wine into your glass than you normally do. Or you start yelling at the kids. Or you stop wanting to have sex. Or you start eating fast food or scarfing down chocolate bars or skipping your daily walk.   When we’re over capacity, the care we know we need often is the first to go. Ironically, it’s when we have a lot on our plates that we most need to be the fully resourced, yet it’s our fundamental needs—sleep, good food, breaks, movement—that often get set aside. But the more depleted we get, the less equipped we are to handle the strain of our overcommitted life.     We live in a world that applauds our doing and celebrates those that seem to get things done at seemingly herculean levels. It takes practice to opt out of our do, do, do culture and opt-in to something more meaningful and easeful. So, don’t be surprised if you get lured back in from time to time.   And if you’re someone like me who is interested in a lot of things, and loves to meet new people, and is always up for a new adventure or path or area of growth, you might find yourself susceptible to overcommitting from time to time. I sure do. I’m tickled to be asked to volunteer. I love when a friend texts and asks to get together. I want to try the new restaurant, read the latest bestseller, and join the movement. I can easily get swept away in a wave of enthusiasm and excitement before I realize I’ve take on too much.   But I’ve figured out a way to catch things before they get too far gone. The tool I use to keep tabs on myself is my daily centering practice.   Once a day I spend thirty minutes with myself. For me, it’s always worked best to do this first thing in the morning. I wake up, make my tea, and then I go and it with myself. I notice what I’m feeling and what thoughts are dominating my mind. I feel into my body to scan for any anxiety or tension. In a way, I’m getting a weather report for how I’m doing on the inside.   This daily check-in offers a way to notice if I’m dragging or to catch negative patterns quickly. I use my journal to note how I’m feeling and what’s on my mind, and then I consider my options. Do I need to change my circumstances or my mindset? Do I need to repromise or renegotiate some of my commitments? Do I need to talk something through with someone to help get some clarity? I feel into what’s burdening me and then I tend to it… long before it hits overwhelm.   By the way, I offer a whole course on my website about establishing a daily centering practice. It’s free and only takes about an hour to complete. You can find it at KristenManieri.com.   I love the work of Karla McLaren. In fact, I’ve interviewed her twice on my podcast: once about her book Embracing Anxiety: How to Access the Genius of This Vital Emotion (episode 84) and once about her book The Art of Empathy: A Complete Guide to Life's Most Essential Skill (episode 10). What I’ve learned from Karla is that our feelings—anxiety, overwhelm, tension, etc.—are signals. They’re trying to get our attention to we can do something about what’s causing us strain. These feelings are here to help us, not weigh us down, which only happens when we ignore them.   https://www.amazon.com/Embracing-Anxiety-Access-Genius-Emotion/dp/1683644417/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=     To have a daily practice of checking in with ourselves gives us access to the signals our bodies are sending. It gives us the opportunity to listen and stop ignoring them.   Try it out for two weeks. Spend 10 minutes a day—any time of day that you can keep a consistent practice—and just check in with yourself. Ask yourself: How am I doing and feeling? Am I taking good care of myself?  I’d love to hear how it goes.   This being the last of a four-part series, I want to quickly recap and also leave you with and important proviso to this work.   To recap, get to know your capacity. Take an accurate reading of what you can realistically have on your plate at once, making sure to factor in the season you’re in and challenges you may be going through.   Second, spend some time getting really clear about the things that matter most to you—the parts of your life that make it worth living—and then begin to prioritize those and eliminate the things that don’t make the list. You can’t do it all. Choose with intention.   Of course, eliminating things that don’t matter, or at least not right now, will require you to start saying no to things. Develop your 24-hour “maybe” response, set and hold boundaries. Finally, know your canary in the coal mine. You’ll inevitably end up overloaded from time to time; life happens and we easily lose our focus. But when we know the things that tip us off to being on the verge of overwhelm, and we check in with ourselves regularly, we find our way back to a centered, more grounded place faster.   I would like to leave you with some thoughts about self-compassion, something I see as a critical ingredient of our growth. Here’s why: as we bring more awareness to our lives, we can often feel frustrated with ourselves for all the many, many moments that we seem to take two steps forward, and then two steps back. Even with my commitment to mindfulness and the integration of better habits and ways of living, I often fall asleep and default back to my over-doing self.   I’ve heard it said from many of my teachers that mindfulness is a bird with two wings. One is the wing of wisdom and the other is the wing of compassion. Mindfulness and the path of mindful living are not meant to be another means to be hard on ourselves, another thing we’re not getting right.   Instead, it’s a way that we begin to be better for others, but also better to ourselves. My humble request is that you approach this journey like a scientist who is curiously observing, inquiring and collecting data. We aim for progress, not perfection. There’s nowhere to get, no contest to win, no grade to earn. Practicing is the journey and there is no destination.   In this spirit of compassionate curiosity, we learn to accept our foibles, even laugh at them. We see our missteps as opportunities to grow and learn, not as failures or further evidence of our deficiency. We are all flawed, yet we are all simply trying to do our best in this wild, sometimes weary, world. Open your mind but also soften your heart.   Thank you for joining me for this series. I’ve got a few more nuggets to share before the end of the year, and then I think I’ll take a break for a while.   Thanks for listening. Bye for now.

Melissa Urban knows firsthand that boundaries are the key to feelings of contentment, confidence, and freedom in every area of life. Since launching the mega-bestselling wellness program the Whole30, she has taught millions of people how to establish healthy habits and successfully navigate pushback/pressure by learning to set clear limits that protect our energy, time, and health. Through The Book of Boundaries, Melissa’s latest creation, she demonstrates that boundaries are the key to better mental health, more fulfilling relationships, and a happier, more productive way of life.   Guest Bio Melissa Urban is CEO of the Whole30 and an authority on helping people create lifelong healthy habits. She is a six-time New York Times bestselling author (including the #1 bestseller The Whole30); and has been featured by Dr. Oz, Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, and CNBC. She lives with her husband, son, and a poodle named Henry in Salt Lake City, Utah.   For episode homepage, resources and links, visit: https://kristenmanieri.com/episode218   Learn more about coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com   Mentioned in this Episode Guest’s book: The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free https://www.amazon.com/Book-Boundaries-Limits-That-Will/dp/0593448707   Guest’s website:  https://www.melissau.com/     Host Bio Kristen Manieri is a coach who works with teams to increase both productivity and wellbeing. She also helps individuals navigate transition with clarity and confidence. Her areas of focus are: stress reduction, energy management, mindset, resilience, habit formation, rest rituals, and self-care. As the host of the weekly 60 Mindful Minutes podcast, an Apple top 100 social science podcast, Kristen has interviewed over 200 authors about what it means to live a more conscious, connected, intentional and joyful life. Learn more at kristenmanieri.com/work-with-me.    Learn more about coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com Connect with the 60 Mindful Minutes podcast   Web: https://kristenmanieri.com Email: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com   Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/60MindfulMinutes Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristenmanieri_/ Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/kristenmanieri/  

Feelings of overwhelm often directly correlate with being over capacity. We have too much on our plates. How did it all get on your plate in the first place? Some of it, of course, just ended up there because it’s part of the job. But some of the things on your plate you actually signed up for. Someone asked and you said “yes.” Today we’ll look at why you said “yes” and how to say “no” more often.    Learn more about Kristen Manieri and coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com KristenManieri.com   Host Bio Kristen Manieri is a coach who works with teams to increase both productivity and wellbeing. She also helps individuals navigate transition with clarity and confidence. Her areas of focus are: stress reduction, energy management, mindset, resilience, habit formation, rest rituals, and self-care. As the host of the weekly 60 Mindful Minutes podcast, an Apple top 100 social science podcast, Kristen has interviewed over 200 authors about what it means to live a more conscious, connected, intentional and joyful life. Learn more at kristenmanieri.com/work-with-me.    Coaching If you’ve ever considered coaching, or if you’re feelings stuck or you’re about to make a big transition, reach out to me and we can talk about how I can help you navigate what’s ahead with more confidence and clarity. You can reach me at Kristen@kristenmanieri.com.   Full Transcript   (Part Three) End Overwhelm Series: Say “No” More Often Live: Nov 17   Welcome back to 60 Mindful minutes. This is Kristen Manieri and you’re listing to my four-part series on ending overwhelm. Part one was all about understanding your capacity. Part two was focused on doing less. Today, I’ll be sharing my thoughts on how we can learn to say “no” more often.   Feelings of overwhelm often directly correlate with being over capacity. We have too much on our plates. Ask yourself this question: how did this all get on my plate in the first place?   Some of it, of course, just ended up there because it’s part of the job. You didn’t sign up for your commute to work; it’s simply part of having your particular job. You didn’t sign up for making dinner most nights; it just turns out that you’re the one home first and skilled enough for the task.   But some of the things on your plate you did sign up for. Someone asked and you said “yes.” Those are the things I want to look at today.   Why do we say “yes” to the things we say “yes” to? Here are a few potential answers. See if any are a fit for you.   We say “yes” because:   We want to appear amiable and helpful, and avoid seeming difficult We want to be liked We want to avoid hurting people’s feelings We feel guilty saying “no” It’s just how we were raised It’s easier to put ourselves out than to put another person out We know we’ll figure out a way to make it all work, even if it causes us stress We have a hard time setting and holding boundaries Saying “no” feels confrontational or unkind We were so excited to be asked that we said “yes” before I we really thought it through If we say no, people may stop asking   Here’s a quick test to see if saying “no” is an underdeveloped skill for you: take a look at your commitments for the next 30 days, including tasks you have agreed to do for others and places you have committed to be. How many of them do you now wish you could back out of or secretly hope will be cancelled? Are you already cooking up excuses or lies in order to avoid this commitment? If you see this pattern, even just a little bit, I believe you’re saying “yes” too much and saying “no” too little.   A few years ago, a client (I’ll call her Cheryl) was sharing with me that she was feeling awful about a girl’s weekend that was coming up a few days later. She had committed to going several weeks before but as the details of the trip slowly came to light, she realized that this was not the trip for her. Now she was going through the gut-wrenching process of trying to figure out a way to cancel. Could she say one of her kids is sick? Could she blame it on a fictitious business trip her husband suddenly needed to be on?   She didn’t want to lie but she also couldn’t bring herself to tell the truth: that she had been so excited to be asked to join the trip that she didn’t ask the important questions that needed to be asked to make sure this was the right trip for her. As she got clear on what motivated her spontaneous “yes,” she could see that she had a deep desire to feel belonging in her friend group and to demonstrate that she valued their friendship. Cheryl realized that committing to things and then later backing out was a pattern in her life, and one that she no longer wanted to repeat.   We’ve all faced a similar dilemma, maybe many, many times.   That day, Cheryl drew a line in the sand and declared that she was, from that day forward, going to become someone who only committed to things once she fully knew the details and only if she was absolutely sure she was a “yes.”   She fessed up honestly to her friends, letting them know she would not be joining them, why she’d mistakenly committed in the first place, and offered to pay for any costs that would be incurred by her cancelling.   The real work, however, was getting clear with herself about what all of the haphazard “yeses” in her life were costing her (stress, drama, money, time, etc.) and how she could develop the ability to slow down in her life so that she could become more discerning choices about what she committed to.    The strategy that we developed during that session was called The 24-Hour Maybe. When someone invited Cheryl to something, she learned to develop the habit of saying “Maybe. Can I let you know in 24 hours?” This bought her the time to ask more questions and to think through whether she had the time for this commitment and whether she actually wanted to do it.   Here’s the takeaway: if you realize that you need to learn how to say “no” more often, start by first learning to say “maybe.” “Maybe” creates a pause so you have time to check in with yourself. “Maybe” is non-confrontational if you’re someone who finds it really difficult to say “no.” “Maybe” tells the people in your life that you only say “yes” to things once you’ve really thought it through. It honors the person asking but it also honors you.   During this 24-hour maybe, you have time to pause to check in with yourself before committing. This will give you the space to try on some of these strategies:    Follow this rule: if I’m not a “HELL YES” than I am a “HELL NO.” Knowing there is only so much of you to go around and only so many hours in the day, realize that anything short of a full-body “yes” needs to be a “no.” Eliminate any version of “ya, I guess so” or “I probably should.” It’s either “hell yes” or “hell no,” nothing in between. Rate the invitation on a scale of one to ten. If it’s a7 or under, then you’re out. It’s got to be an 8, 9 or 10 if it’s going to get your time and energy. Think about why you’re saying yes. In Cheryl’s case, she often said “yes” because she thought it was what was best for the friendship. Are there other ways you could produce the same result by committing to something that works better for your life? We often think there are just two choices. Is there a third way, maybe even a better way, that you’re not seeing yet? Could your 24-hour pause give you time to get creative about offering a better solution?   Later this month you’ll get to hear an interview with Melissa Urban, the co-creator of Whole30 and the author of The Book of Boundaries. I love this book! I’ve already sent this book to several people who I know struggle with setting boundaries but it’s honestly a must-read for all of us. What I learned from Melissa in our interview and in her book is that boundaries are how we protect our limited resources.   You are a limited resource.   There needs to be a fence around your time, energy and mental capacity. We first figure out what matters to us, which was a big focus of last week’s episode about doing less, and then we protect those things with our boundaries.   If boundaries don’t come naturally to you, try scripting them out. This is exactly the approach Melissa takes in The Book of Boundaries, which includes over 130 scripts with exact words you can use to set a boundary in all sorts of scenarios. Be ready for pushback and an inevitable negotiation that is likely to ensue. If you’re stumped, throw down the 24-hour maybe. Give yourself time to regroup and re-establish your boundary.    Check in with yourself about why you say “yes” to the things you commit to. Get curious about what drives you. It’s universally human to be motivated by a need for safety, love, belonging and esteem. How else could you get these needs met without taking on more than you can handle?   Notice if you’re someone who is constantly cancelling or rescheduling. That’s a good indication that you say “yes” to too many things.   Build the habit of the 24-Hour Maybe. Take some time to pause, reflect and investigate before you commit. Get all the details so you know what you’re getting into. Check in to be sure you’re a “hell yes.”   Finally, set boundaries that honor you… your rest, privacy, space, free time, and values. Develop the skill of boundary setting with practice. It takes lots of practice to become a pro boundary maker and holder. But most importantly, surround yourself with people who honor your boundaries.   I hope you found these insights helpful. Stay tuned for part four, coming next week, when I’ll be diving into creating an alert system so you know when your train is coming off the tracks.

We live in a culture that values follow through and abhors quitting. But what is the hidden cost of all the things we never start because we’re afraid we might not follow through? To Becky Blades, the author of Start More Than You Can Finish: A Creative Permission Slip to Unleash Your Best Ideas, the value in acting on our ideas is not measured in grand planned finishes. The value is in each and every start. This week, Becky shares how we can all develop our inner “startistry’ and end the myth that not finishing equals failing. Guest Bio Becky built and sold the award-winning communications firm, Blades and Associates, which served diverse organizations in industries from health care to aviation, from start-ups to Fortune 500 companies. Before that, Becky launched creative marketing departments in other growing companies. She enjoys a portfolio creative career of writing and making art. She writes on topics from innovation and creativity to personal growth, and creates visual art by herself and in collaboration with others. See her art here, and see her writing here. Becky has worked in live theater, and has created special events and creative gatherings, including a sold-out comedy show.  For episode homepage, resources and links, visit: https://kristenmanieri.com/episode216   Learn more about coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com Mentioned in this Episode Guest’s book: Start More Than You Can Finish: A Creative Permission Slip to Unleash Your Best Ideas https://www.beckyblades.com/start-more-than-you-can-finish/ Guest’s website: https://www.beckyblades.com/   Host Bio Kristen Manieri is a coach who works with teams to increase both productivity and wellbeing. She also helps individuals navigate transition with clarity and confidence. Her areas of focus are: stress reduction, energy management, mindset, resilience, habit formation, rest rituals, and self-care. As the host of the weekly 60 Mindful Minutes podcast, an Apple top 100 social science podcast, Kristen has interviewed over 200 authors about what it means to live a more conscious, connected, intentional and joyful life. Learn more at kristenmanieri.com/work-with-me.    Learn more about coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com Connect with the 60 Mindful Minutes podcast   Web: https://kristenmanieri.com Email: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com   Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/60MindfulMinutes Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristenmanieri_/ Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/kristenmanieri/  

It can’t all matter. There’s got to be a way to rank everything that’s important in your life and identify the things that really aren’t. This week I’m going to share some insights from five different authors about how to do less.     Learn more about Kristen Manieri and coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com KristenManieri.com   Host Bio Kristen Manieri is a coach who works with teams to increase both productivity and wellbeing. She also helps individuals navigate transition with clarity and confidence. Her areas of focus are: stress reduction, energy management, mindset, resilience, habit formation, rest rituals, and self-care. As the host of the weekly 60 Mindful Minutes podcast, an Apple top 100 social science podcast, Kristen has interviewed over 200 authors about what it means to live a more conscious, connected, intentional and joyful life. Learn more at kristenmanieri.com/work-with-me.    Coaching If you’ve ever considered coaching, or if you’re feelings stuck or you’re about to make a big transition, reach out to me and we can talk about how I can help you navigate what’s ahead with more confidence and clarity. You can reach me at Kristen@kristenmanieri.com.   Full Transcript   Welcome back to 60 Mindful minutes. This is Kristen Manieri and you’re listing to my four-part series on ending overwhelm. Last week, for part one, I shared my thoughts on understanding true capacity. Today, for part two, I’ll be speaking about DOING LESS.   It can’t all matter. There’s got to be a way to rank everything that’s important in your life and identify the things that really aren’t. It’s going to take some time—meaning you’ll want to dedicate an hour or two—to get really real with yourself about what truly are the things that make your life a good life and which things are just a distraction.   This is the path of an essentialist, which Greg McKeown describes as someone who takes on the relentless pursuit of less but better. “Only once you give yourself permission to stop trying to do it all, to stop saying yes to everyone, can you make your highest contribution towards the things that really matter,” he writes in his book, Essentialism.   But what does really matter? It’s not always easy to whittle our list down. At first glance you might say, “it all matters! I can’t cut anything!” Essentialism is a skill we develop; it isn’t something most of us know how to do intuitively. So, I’m going to share some thoughts from five different books I’ve read about distilling your life down to only the most important things.   The first book is called The Lazy Genius Way: Embrace What Matters, Ditch What Doesn’t, and Get Stuff Done by Kendra Adachi. The book lays out 13 Lazy Genius Principles but I’m going to focus on #10: essentialize.   For Kendra, embracing what matters must start with knowing what matters. She writes: “True fulfillment comes from subtraction, from removing everything that distracts you from what matters and leaving only the essential.”    Let’s say I have a jam-packed weekend ahead. In the Lazy Genius Way, the first step is to name what really matters to me. As I consider this, I land on three things that matter this weekend: rest, connection to Marc and the girls, and restoring order to our house.   The second step is removing what’s in the way. Doing my laundry feels essential because that restores order to my wardrobe. Going for a hike with Aly feels essential because it creates connection. Staying in my pajamas Sunday morning and reading a book in front of the fire feels essential because it creates rest.   Something that could get in the way is weekend errands. It’s amazing how much precious weekend time gets used up driving from A to B to C picking up and dropping off stuff if I’m not paying attention to being deliberate about how I spend my weekend.   While some errands feel necessary (I really do need to pick up one of those round batteries before my key fob completely dies) I can essentialize my errand list so it only takes a few hours instead of an entire day. A full day of running around would definitely be counter to rest, which I’ve already established is a priority.   Kendra’s last step is to keep only the essentials. If it doesn’t reeeaaaalllllly matter, and if it’s in the way of what does, it’s nixed.   The key takeaway is this: name what matters.   The next book I want to share with you is Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver. I love this book, especially chapter 26, which is all about taking a sabbath. Some of you may remember that most things used to be closed on Sunday. Can you believe that was only about 30 years ago?   What would it be like to have one day a week when you’re completely free of tasks, appointments and obligations? Taking a sabbath is all about putting a fence around one day each week and keeping it protected from everything that doesn’t serve you.    According to Courtney Carver (who I interviewed in episode 17), you start by scheduling your sabbath. Put it in your calendar. Number two, tell the world. “Call your friends, text your colleagues, tweet the news that you have scheduled a day off and won’t be available,” she writes. “Let them know that you won’t be answering the phone, checking email, or updating your Facebook status.”    What would your sabbath be like? Maybe you keep all screens off all day or at least until 1pm. Maybe you sleep in or go for a long hike or read a novel. What would feel exceptionally restorative to you and then ask yourself, why not? Why not take a full day of complete rest?   The next idea I want to share with you is from Kate Northrup’s book, Do Less. Here’s the big idea: receive help. She articulates it this way: “Let’s both of us see what happens if we let go of the lie we’ve been told and that we’ve been telling others—that having it all together or doing it all ourselves is what makes us valuable. Let’s replace it with shooting for genuine connection, true happiness, a full tank, the courage to be vulnerable by owning where we need support, and being willing to receive it when it shows up.”   Those of us who have spent a lifetime being highly self-sufficient—and likely getting a lot of praise from parents and bosses for being so reliable and having such steady follow-through—have probably built an identity around never needing anyone’s help. We’re the ones who chose the independent study over the group project. Why rely on others when we’re so dang good at doing it ourselves. If you can identify, you’re likely similar to me in that asking for and receiving help is really hard. But just like most things, it’s an underdeveloped skill that can be developed. We can get better, maybe even ninja-level better, at receiving help.   Kate recommends we take on this mantra: I am allowing this day to be easy. She recommends that we ask ourselves:   Does this need to be done? Does this need to be done by me? Does this need to be done right now?   When we pause to reflect and consider, we might not only see where we could ask for help, or where we could eliminate a task completely.   This topic wouldn’t feel adequately covered without bringing in some important insights from Becky Hall, who wrote the book The Art of Enough: Seven Ways to Build a Balanced Life and a Flourishing World. When I interviewed Becky for episode #148, she spoke a lot about having an “enough mindset,” which is rooted in the idea that there is enough, we can do enough, and we are enough.   Of course, we can always do more. Having an enough mindset is a deliberate approach to our lives that acknowledges the endlessness of our tasks and obligations but draws a subjective line in the sand when we’re come to close to our edge. It’s realizing when we’re almost overdrawn physically, emotionally or psychologically and granting ourselves permission to say, “enough.”   Becky thinks of enough as a state of being and also a way of living. “With Enough we learn to live within the natural limits within our lives,” she writes. With an enough mindset, we honor that we each have limits. It’s only human to reach the end of our capacity and then need to go renew our resources. In fact, those of us who learn to renew our resources effectively through rest and quality leisure become “well rooted and well resourced so that we can flourish with creativity and brilliance.”    In her book, Becky references a practice she read in Jim Collins’ book, Good to Great, which is to create a “stop doing list.” Try this out. Make a list of 10 to 20 things that you could stop doing. Rethink everything through the lens of this question: do I really need to be doing this?   I’d like to leave you with one final thought from Celeste Headlee’s book, Do Nothing. She writes: “The truth is, productivity is a by-product of a functional system, not a goal in and of itself. The question is not whether you are productive but what are you producing.”   We weren’t put on this earth to get our to-do list done. It can’t be that the purpose of life is to get everything done. What I think Celeste Headlee is asking is what is all this doing creating? Stress or happiness? Constraint or connection? Is it creating a life that you’re madly in love with? Maybe the answer is to do much, much less.   I’m not suggesting we all sit on our couches and stare at the wall. What I’m suggesting is a that we look really closely at what we give our time and energy to and make really sure it’s giving us the life that we want. This will require that we dedicate some time taking this closer look.   Go for a walk, sit on a Sunday morning with your journal, find a friend who can listen well and ask good questions so you can tease it out. Whatever it takes, get really clear on the essentials of your good, happy, peaceful life.   Next week I’ll be talking about how to say "no" more often. See you then.          

For those who work and also parent, it’s not uncommon to feel like you’re floundering at both. This is exactly how psychology professor and family therapist Yael Schonbrun felt when her two worlds of work and parenting collided. As she navigated her way through it, she learned some practical strategies from clinical psychology and social science to help her balance all of the meaningful roles in her life. In her new book, Work, Parent, Thrive, she shares how we can shift our experience with an inside-out approach to solving the working parent dilemma.   Guest Bio Yael Schonbrun, PhD, is assistant professor of psychology at Brown University, a family therapist, and co-host of the podcast Psychologists Off the Clock. In 2014, she wrote a piece on motherhood and ambition for the New York Times that went viral. She has since contributed a chapter to Double Bind: Women on Ambition alongside Roxane Gay, Molly Ringwald, and others and has written for Psychology Today. Learn more at yaelschonbrun.com.   For episode homepage, resources and links, visit: https://kristenmanieri.com/episode214   Learn more about coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com   Mentioned in this Episode Guest’s book: Work, Parent, Thrive: 12 Science-Backed Strategies to Ditch Guilt, Manage Overwhelm, and Grow Connection (When Everything Feels Like Too Much) https://www.amazon.com/Work-Parent-Thrive-Science-Backed-Strategies/dp/1611809657   Mentioned in this episode: https://offtheclockpsych.com/   Guest’s website:  https://yaelschonbrun.com/     Host Bio Kristen Manieri is a coach who works with teams to increase both productivity and wellbeing. She also helps individuals navigate transition with clarity and confidence. Her areas of focus are: stress reduction, energy management, mindset, resilience, habit formation, rest rituals, and self-care. As the host of the weekly 60 Mindful Minutes podcast, an Apple top 100 social science podcast, Kristen has interviewed over 200 authors about what it means to live a more conscious, connected, intentional and joyful life. Learn more at kristenmanieri.com/work-with-me.    Learn more about coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com Connect with the 60 Mindful Minutes podcast   Web: https://kristenmanieri.com Email: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com   Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/60MindfulMinutes Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristenmanieri_/ Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/kristenmanieri/

Today is the first of a four-part series on overwhelm. With the holidays coming and the end of the year in our sight, this is the season for feeling completely overloaded. I thought I would share some insights and strategies to help you make it through, peacefully ad gracefully. This is part one, which is all about understanding our true capacity.   Learn more about Kristen Manieri and coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com KristenManieri.com   Host Bio Kristen Manieri is a coach who works with teams to increase both productivity and wellbeing. She also helps individuals navigate transition with clarity and confidence. Her areas of focus are: stress reduction, energy management, mindset, resilience, habit formation, rest rituals, and self-care. As the host of the weekly 60 Mindful Minutes podcast, an Apple top 100 social science podcast, Kristen has interviewed over 200 authors about what it means to live a more conscious, connected, intentional and joyful life. Learn more at kristenmanieri.com/work-with-me.    Coaching If you’ve ever considered coaching, or if you’re feelings stuck or you’re about to make a big transition, reach out to me and we can talk about how I can help you navigate what’s ahead with more confidence and clarity. You can reach me at Kristen@kristenmanieri.com.   Full Transcript   Today is the first of a four-part series on overwhelm. With the holidays coming and the end of the year in our sights, this is the season for feeling completely overloaded. So, I thought I would share some insights and strategies to help you make it through, peacefully ad gracefully.   We all know the feeling when we’ve got way too much on our plates. Racing thoughts. Frantic energy. Nonstop motion. Maniacal fixation on getting it all done. I’d been there many times until I learn the secret to avoiding overwhelm.   Overwhelm happens when we have more than we can handle. It’s too many obligations, appointments or errands. It’s a to-do list that’s impossibly long. It’s too many people wanting more from you than you have to give. It’s not enough hours in the day. It’s too many projects on the go. It’s messes and unfinished projects around the house. It’s not enough sleep because you thought it would be a better idea to try to just get more done.   It’s skipping meals, workouts, date nights, tuck-ins and self-care all to continue to bow down to the god of completion. It’s feeling buried and there isn’t a shovel big enough to dig you out.   Why do we do this to ourselves? Well, it’s because we don’t really understand true capacity.   Our capacity is the size of our container; it’s how much we can actually hold, yield, perform and withstand. Like a balloon, it will only take on so much air until it pops.   To begin to calculate our true capacity, we start with how many hours we have in our day after we’ve fully met our basic needs for survival: sleep, food and exercise. We must also factor in all the people we care for and about. If you’ve got young kids, for example, that will affect your capacity.   It’s also our mental state, which can shift with seasons and cycles. Perhaps your capacity expands in the summer when the days are longer and contracts after daylight savings time when it starts getting dark at 4pm. That’s definitely true for me.   Capacity is also measured by our individual temperament for adaptability and resilience, the parts of our psyche that determine how much we each can handle at any given time.     Put simply, our capacity is how much we can realistically take on, physically, psychologically and emotionally, before our wheels fall off the track. When the wheels fall off the track, we’ve hit overwhelm. We’re over capacity. The dam has spilled over or busted open. We no longer feel peacefully productive and on purpose. We’re now crazed, stretched too thin, agitated and potentially explosive.     So, here’s the secret to avoiding overwhelm. First, assess what 100 percent capacity looks like for you. What’s the most you can do, give, and push while still keeping the train on the tracks?   Now cut 30 percent.   Take an inventory of everything you have on your plate, and find 30 percent of it to completely eliminate by means of deferring, delegating or dumping it altogether.     Here are examples of what I’ve cut in my life:   Having my kids signed up for more than one after-school activity at once Any social engagements or errands on Sunday Going into grocery stores (my local store lets you order online and only charges $5 for the pick-up) Teaching workshops (at the moment) Joining women’s groups (I’m already committed to two)   For you, it could be opting out of hosting a holiday gathering or gift exchange. Maybe taking a pause on a volunteer position. What can you delegate, renegotiate, pause or defer to a later time?   The secret to avoiding overwhelm is to consistently operate in the zone of 70 percent capacity. Not 100 percent, and definitely not 130 percent, which is what we often do when we’re not paying attention. I call being at 70 percent capacity the Peacefully Productive Zone.   Here’s what happens when you stop living in a constant state of over-capacity and you enter the Peacefully Productive Zone:     You have the mental wherewithal to be more creative and innovative, to solve. problems with more wisdom and resourcefulness. You have a clearer vision for the days, months and year ahead. You experience a sense of ease and lightness to your day. You show up for the people in your life with patience, curiosity and loving-kindness. You’re able to handle the unexpected with steadiness, agility and grace. You enjoy your life more.   Do you really need to be doing everything you’re doing? Start to bring awareness to all the balls you have in the air and get curious about why they’re there. Who says you must do them? What are all the things you “should” do versus all the things that really matter or all the things you wish you could be doing. Who’s actually in charge of your life? Maybe there are a lot of have tos. Maybe most of your life is filled with obligations that seem impossible to escape. Are you willing to simply look curiously to see where there might actually be room to maneuver? Start with a scalpel, cutting a few tiny tasks, and then gradually build to a hatchet.      In order to become someone who consistently operates at 70 percent capacity, some skills need to be developed. I’ll be diving into these in the next three parts of this four-part series. I’ll be sharing specific tactics and systems you can use to stay in the Peacefully Productive Zone.   But, besides developing some skills, you’ll also need to develop some thicker skin. Cutting 30 percent from your to-do list is likely going to ruffle some feathers. You might disappoint some people. You might need to have some difficult conversations. You might start saying “no.” All of these will be uncomfortable. Be willing to travel through the discomfort in order to get to the other side. On the other side is the life that you want and deserve to have. It has order and calm, joy, space and rest.   On the other side of our over-capacity lives is thriving. For me, that’s the feeling that I’m doing good work in the world, meeting my commitments, tending to my basic needs, and leaving space for rest, presence and the inevitable curve ball. It’s being Peacefully Productive and it’s the zone where we all are at our best.     Stay tuned for Part Two: How to do Less    

The chatter in our brains has a direct impact on how we feel and what we do. As Kristen Helmstetter began to tune into her self-talk, she realized she could take her ability to talk to herself and turn it into a force for good. Her discoveries and practices have made their way into ten books about self-talk, including Coffee Self-Talk: 5 Minutes a Day to Start Living Your Magical Life, which is the topic of this week’s interview.   Guest Bio Kristen Helmstetter has written more than ten books on self-talk, and she writes romance novels under the pen name Brisa Starr. Her popular podcast, Coffee Self-Talk with Kristen Helmstetter, shares her formula for living an intentional life with a happy, magical mindset. She splits her time between Florida and a medieval hilltop town in Umbria, Italy, with her husband and daughter.   For episode homepage, resources and links, visit: https://kristenmanieri.com/episode212   Learn more about coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com   Mentioned in this Episode Guest’s book: Coffee Self-Talk: 5 Minutes a Day to Start Living Your Magical Life https://www.amazon.com/Coffee-Self-Talk-Minutes-Living-Magical/dp/0982372264     Guest’s website:  https://kristensraw.com/blog/     Host Bio Kristen Manieri is a coach who works with teams to increase both productivity and wellbeing. She also helps individuals navigate transition with clarity and confidence. Her areas of focus are: stress reduction, energy management, mindset, resilience, habit formation, rest rituals, and self-care. As the host of the weekly 60 Mindful Minutes podcast, an Apple top 100 social science podcast, Kristen has interviewed over 200 authors about what it means to live a more conscious, connected, intentional and joyful life. Learn more at kristenmanieri.com/work-with-me.    Learn more about coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com Connect with the 60 Mindful Minutes podcast   Web: https://kristenmanieri.com Email: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com   Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/60MindfulMinutes Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristenmanieri_/ Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/kristenmanieri/  

Title: EP211: Get to Know Your Neighbors   I’ve been thinking about the status of neighbors and our interactions with them in this fast-paced and highly digitalized world we live in. How many of us actually know our neighbors? Maybe we’re missing out on a deep sense of belonging and community that could be built with the people who live right next door.     Learn more about Kristen Manieri and coaching: Kristen@kristenmanieri.com KristenManieri.com   Host Bio Kristen Manieri is a coach who works with teams to increase both productivity and wellbeing. She also helps individuals navigate transition with clarity and confidence. Her areas of focus are: stress reduction, energy management, mindset, resilience, habit formation, rest rituals, and self-care. As the host of the weekly 60 Mindful Minutes podcast, an Apple top 100 social science podcast, Kristen has interviewed over 200 authors about what it means to live a more conscious, connected, intentional and joyful life. Learn more at kristenmanieri.com/work-with-me.    Coaching If you’ve ever considered coaching, or if you’re feelings stuck or you’re about to make a big transition, reach out to me and we can talk about how I can help you navigate what’s ahead with more confidence and clarity. You can reach me at Kristen@kristenmanieri.com.   Full Transcript   This past weekend we had tea with our neighbors, Rick and Leslie. We’ve been living on our new street for almost nine months now, and other than hellos as we come and go or quick chats at the end of the driveway, this was the first time we’d actually sat down with one of our neighbors to really get to know them.   It was lovely. I’m so grateful they invited us over.   It got me thinking about the status of neighbors and our interactions with them in this fast-paced and highly digitalized world we now live in. How many of us actually know our neighbors? Maybe we know their first names and a rough idea of what they do for a living, but who can say they actually have a relationship with their neighbors.   We used to live in Central Florida, and when we moved onto our street back in 2006, our next-door neighbor was a guy named Mike Delaney. From the day we moved in, Mike made it his mission to get to know us and to introduce us to the other neighbors. Marc and I and the other neighbors joked that he was the mayor of our cul de sac. And while sometimes he bordered on a little nosy at time, the truth is that it felt good that there was someone on our street who really cared about the people he ended up living next to.      Mike was in his seventies back then, and maybe that’s part of the reason he was so adamant about getting to know us; he came from an era when that was the norm.   These days, it’s not really the norm, is it?   “By and large, we’re lonelier and unhappier than we were in the decades before the Internet age,” writes Susan Pinker in her book The Village Effect: How face-to-Face Contact Can Make Us Happier and Healthier. “Psychologists don’t know why that is exactly, though we do know that close relationships are the strongest drivers of happiness, and that being alone and unaffiliated makes us the most unhappy. The evidence is pretty clear that we are wired for frequent and genuine interaction. As humans, we need to know that we belong.”   Belonging matters. In fact, the relatively new field of social neuroscience, which looks at the relationship between social experiences and biological systems, is overflowing with evidence for how the health of our relationships is directly tied to our mental and physical health. We thrive in community. And if I’m to make meaningful social connection a core part of my thrive plan, then neighbors are just low hanging fruit. They’re literally right next door.   Now, I’m not talking about having tea with Rick and Leslie every week. We’re busy, they’re busy. It would be unrealistic to keep that up. But next time I see Rick washing his car, can I stop for five minutes and have a nice chat? Next time I see our other neighbor walking his dog, can I pause for a few moments to connect?   It all comes down to identifying what matters (in this case, meaningful connection and creating a sense of community) and then being intentional about having what matters be a priority. It’s noticing that these little two- and five-minute moments to connect really matter. It’s slowing down in life long enough to seize the opportunity to connect when it arises.   Sometimes it’s going beyond the organic, spontaneous opportunities to connect—like when we bump into each other while walking our dogs or putting out our recycling—and inviting someone over for tea, like Rick and Leslie did for us.   Remember my neighbor Mike Delaney? While we lost touch after he moved to back to Pennsylvania, when he passed away a few years ago we had the opportunity to connect with his sister. What Marc and I told her was that we would never forget how Mike made us feel; like we mattered, like we belonged. And this was all because Mike took the time to be a good neighbor: to connect, to get to know us, to show he cared. Maybe it’s as simple as stopping to connect for a few minutes a week with someone we live near. Maybe this small act isn’t so small after all.