Waking Up to Narcissism

Tony welcomes Ashlynn Allen to the podcast. Ashlynn shares her journey from fitness influencer to betrayal trauma survivor to empowerment coach and highlights the strength of facing life’s challenges with authenticity and courage. Once part of the very successful “The Betrayed, the Addicted, and the Expert,” Ashlynn’s story as the betrayal played out on the public stage only to surprisingly end in her ex-husband asking her for a divorce. She shares what it took to survive betrayal, navigate a divorce, and find an unexpected new chapter in life. Tony and Ashlynn dive deep into topics such as the messy parts of healing, the importance of vulnerability, and letting go of the need for certainty. Ashlynn also talks about how she found joy in roller skating and built a new relationship despite initial reservations. She also shares a powerful metaphor of how a buffalo weathers a storm. Tune in for this inspiring conversation about resilience, growth, and the power of facing life's storms head-on.You can learn more about Ashlynn at https://thisisashlynn.com/ or on Instagram @this.isashlynn00:00 Introduction and Special Guest Announcement00:15 Ashlyn Allen's Journey: From Fitness Influencer to Empowerment Coach00:30 Meeting Ashlyn: The Beginning of a Transformative Friendship00:44 Navigating Betrayal and Personal Growth00:59 Ashlyn's Coaching Practice and Public Vulnerability01:12 The Power of Sharing and Finding Joy in Healing01:31 Deep Dive: Ashlyn's Experience with Betrayal Trauma01:57 The Challenges and Rewards of Vulnerability02:35 Tony and Ashlyn Reconnect: Reflecting on Past Collaborations02:44 Ashlyn's Story: From Betrayal to Empowerment05:27 The Impact of Public Vulnerability and Social Media08:49 Therapy, Coaching, and the Journey to Healing11:50 The Reality of Helping Others Through Personal Experience13:15 The Emotional Toll of Public Vulnerability18:08 The End of a Marriage: Acceptance and Growth22:49 Finding Peace and Moving Forward25:49 The Power of Surrender and Acceptance28:28 Navigating Betrayal and Emotional Turmoil31:40 The Roller Coaster of Healing and Self-Care36:44 Embracing New Relationships and Personal Growth42:38 Facing Life's Storms: The Buffalo Story47:08 Conclusion and Final ThoughtsFind more from Tony Overbay:Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/virtualcouchTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@virtualcouch Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/virtual.couch/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonyoverbaylmft/Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-virtual-couch/id1275153998Website: https://www.tonyoverbay.com/  Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.comIf you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

Tony explores the complex dynamics of narcissism and emotional immaturity in a special “Holiday Edition” of the “Death By a Thousand Cuts” series. Through stories shared by listeners, Tony delves into how such behaviors can overshadow festive occasions, creating a lingering emotional toll. He also highlights the importance of awareness and growth, encouraging listeners to participate in healthier, more fulfilling holiday traditions. Featuring a unique narrative inspired by 'Twas the Night Before Christmas,' written by Claude AI, this episode sheds light on the subtleties of narcissistic manipulation and control during what are typically hoped to be seen as celebratory times.00:00 A Twisted Christmas Tale02:36 Introduction and Welcome02:52 Announcements and Updates04:19 Listener Stories: Holiday Struggles06:39 Story 1: Control and Manipulation12:12 Story 2: The Christmas Face16:34 Story 3: The Dream Trip Conflict20:35 Story 4: Missing Milestones27:17 Story 5: Passive Aggressive Holidays34:22 Story 6: Inappropriate Gifts36:21 Reflections and Closing ThoughtsFind more from Tony Overbay:Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/virtualcouchTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@virtualcouch Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/virtual.couch/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonyoverbaylmft/Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-virtual-couch/id1275153998Website: https://www.tonyoverbay.com/  Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.comIf you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

Are you tired of the endless pursuit of perfection? Do you question why your self-esteem seems more tied to others' opinions than your own self-worth? In this transformative episode, Tony explores the crucial difference between self-esteem and self-compassion, drawing from Dr. Kristin Neff's groundbreaking research. Through personal experiences and scientific insights, Tony challenges our cultural obsession with self-esteem, revealing why the constant pressure to be "above average" creates an impossible and unhealthy standard for well-being.Learn how self-compassion offers a more sustainable path to genuine self-acceptance through its three core components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Tony delves into the fascinating neuroscience behind mindfulness practices, explaining how they physically rewire our brains for greater emotional regulation and self-awareness. Drawing from Viktor Frankl's profound insights as a Holocaust survivor and author of "Man's Search for Meaning," Tony illustrates how finding meaning in our struggles can transform our relationship with ourselves and others.This episode provides both the scientific framework and practical tools needed to develop self-compassion in daily life. Whether you struggle with perfectionism, find yourself caught in comparison traps, or simply want to develop a more stable sense of self-worth, you'll discover why self-compassion offers all the benefits of high self-esteem without its potential downsides. Join Tony as he shares actionable strategies for transforming your relationship with yourself and finding peace in the simple truth that you're not broken - you're human.00:00 Introduction and Personal Story01:46 The Therapist's Dilemma: Hope vs. Reality04:33 Exploring Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion07:01 The Impact of Comparison and External Validation11:02 Value-Based Goal Setting and Radical Acceptance13:08 Parental Support and Secure Attachment15:25 Listener Insights on Self-Esteem16:32 Embracing Self-Compassion23:22 Seeking Validation and Self-Compassion24:16 Confessions of an Ultramarathoner26:18 Accepting Mediocrity in Running29:19 The Power of Self-Compassion33:25 Mindfulness and Self-Kindness35:19 A Personal Podcasting Challenge39:21 Viktor Frankl's Wisdom on Meaning45:23 The Journey of Self-Compassion

Tony Overbay, LMFT, explores how seemingly minor slights and manipulations in relationships can accumulate to cause significant emotional harm. Welcome to the 8th installment of Waking Up to Narcissism’s “Death by 1,000 Cuts” series. In this episode, Tony delves deep into the subtle yet severe world of emotional abuse. Whether you're dealing with a narcissistic partner, emotionally immature family members, or challenging work colleagues, this episode is full of relatable stories and practical advice to help you understand and navigate these treacherous waters. Tony shares listener-submitted poems and limericks that perfectly capture the pain and frustration of enduring countless small but stinging slights. He also shares personal anecdotes and listener stories to illustrate how these seemingly minor offenses can pile up, causing significant emotional damage over time. Discover invaluable strategies for maintaining your emotional health, such as self-compassion, differentiating yourself emotionally, and setting healthy boundaries. You'll also learn the importance of documenting behavior patterns and trusting your gut feelings to reclaim your reality and foster your healing journey.Find more from Tony Overbay:TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@virtualcouchInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/virtual.couch/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonyoverbaylmft/Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-virtual-couch/id1275153998Website: https://www.tonyoverbay.com/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/virtualcouchStream Riley Hope's song 'Not My Job' and follow her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/musicbyrileyhope/ 00:00 Deathbycuts807:13 Introduction and Acknowledgements08:06 Listener Contributions: Poems and Limericks09:13 Understanding Emotional Cuts in Relationships09:33 Host Introduction and Podcast Overview11:36 The Free Throw Analogy: Preparation vs. Real Life16:44 Applying Relationship Skills in Real Life24:30 Listener Stories: Death by a Thousand Cuts31:21 Roommate Frustrations31:46 Financial Manipulation32:21 Co-Parenting Conflicts32:55 Family Event Disruptions33:43 Emotional Immaturity in Relationships42:03 Professional Sabotage45:00 Phone Surveillance47:08 Achievement Diminishment48:07 Weaponized Routines48:45 Financial Manipulation Revisited50:30 Co-Parenting Undermining51:09 Recognizing Patterns of Control54:16 The Importance of Self-Compassion

Ever wonder why a narcissist seems to feed off your emotional pain? Do you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth in relationships while the other person maintains the upper hand? Tony Overbay, LMFT, discusses the complexities of narcissistic relationships and emotional immaturity. Tony explores concepts like the false self, the one-up, one-down dynamic, and antagonistic attachment styles in depth. He uncovers how narcissistic traits manifest in relationships, causing deep emotional trauma and affecting whole families. Learn about the destructive patterns of predation, competition, and parasitism in narcissistic behavior from the article “Understanding the Narcissists Antagonisitic Attachment Style” by Julie Hall, creator of “The Narcissist Family Files” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202107/understanding-the-narcissists-antagonistic-attachment-style Tony shares insights on reclaiming your sense of self by recognizing these unhealthy dynamics. Special thanks to Riley Hope for her song 'Not My Job,' which serves as the show's anthem. You find Riley Hope's "Not My Job" streaming information here: https://linktr.ee/rileyhopematlock00:00 Introduction and Welcome00:43 Listener's Question on Narcissism01:39 Understanding Narcissistic Behavior04:15 Exploring Narcissistic Relationships05:26 Antagonistic Attachment Style15:23 One-Up, One-Down Dynamics18:56 Real-Life Examples of Narcissistic Patterns24:17 Introduction to Human Attachment24:42 Secure vs. Antagonistic Attachment25:55 Predatory Relationships29:57 Narcissistic Competition33:18 Parasitic Dynamics33:49 Coercion and Control40:18 The Mask of Narcissism42:57 The Ripple Effect of Narcissistic Abuse45:02 Empowerment and Healing47:54 Conclusion and Next Episode Preview

Are you truly living in alignment with your values, or do the expectations of others shape you? How do you begin to define your own character when emotional immaturity and narcissism are at play in your relationships? In this episode, we dive deep into what it means to build a sense of character and integrity—especially for those who may have spent years putting others’ needs above their own. Through stories, reflection, and therapeutic insight, we’ll explore how a pathologically kind person can break free from people-pleasing patterns and begin to understand their true values and beliefs. Discover how character is not only about the values you hold but also what you’re willing to tolerate or excuse in yourself and others. We’ll unpack David Schnarch’s Four Points of Balance to guide you in building a strong, flexible sense of self, showing how true integrity is about standing steady in your own identity, even when external pressures try to sway you. Join us to learn how you can move beyond external validation, live from your core, and start showing up as your authentic self in all your relationships.You find Riley Hope's "Not My Job" streaming information here: https://linktr.ee/rileyhopematlock00:00 Introduction and Welcome00:17 Listener Engagement and Social Media01:13 Riley Hope's Anthem01:38 Evander's Story Begins02:32 The Social Club Dilemma04:02 Sam's Concerns and Evander's Changes06:35 Tony's Personal Reflection11:48 Understanding Integrity and Character17:51 Tom and Jerry: A Case Study29:10 Navigating Relationships with Integrity34:53 Navigating Integrity and Character in Relationships35:18 Challenges for the Pathologically Kind Person37:47 Understanding Emotional Immaturity and Narcissism46:12 Pat and Chris: Real-Life Scenarios53:31 Breaking Free: Strategies for Pat01:01:31 Constructing the Crucible for Personal Growth01:08:46 Final Thoughts on Integrity and Self-Discovery

Tony Overbay, LMFT explores themes of faith journeys, parental expectations, communication, differentiation, and self-discovery through an allegorical story titled 'Off the Beaten Path: Finding Love and Self in a World of Conformity.' The narrative follows a young man named Ansel, who grapples with societal expectations, familial pressures, and his journey toward self-acceptance. Through meaningful encounters and introspection, Ansel learns to embrace his individuality amidst traditional, religious, and cultural norms. This episode also highlights the importance of personal integrity the challenges of navigating faith and family systems, and encourages listeners to explore their unique talents and values. Tony invites the audience to share their stories and questions about their own faith and family journeys for future episodes.00:00 Welcome and Introduction01:17 “Not My Job” song by: Riley Hope02:48 The Power of Writing and Poetry05:26 Exploring Allegories06:44 Off the Beaten Path: Ansul's Journey Begins12:14 Ansul's Struggles and Self-Discovery16:17 Meeting Maris: A New Connection17:52 Seeking Guidance: Ansul's Dilemma18:31 Ansul's Realization and Self-Acceptance19:00 Building a Relationship with Maris20:42 Themes of the Allegory: Individuality vs. Conformity22:32 Exploring Faith and Doubt22:53 Coming of Age and Self-Discovery23:30 Truth, Knowledge, and Intergenerational Expectations25:34 Curiosity, Love, and Acceptance26:38 Personal Growth Through Discomfort27:19 Diversity of Thought and Self-Acceptance29:24 Navigating Difficult Journeys of Faith and Family31:00 Encouragement for Personal Growth and Authenticity33:02 Conclusion and Call to ActionIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.comIf you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

Tony Overbay, LMFT, discusses the potentially harmful effects of an article titled “What Is Disarming A Narcissist? 12 Simple Ways To Do So” (https://tinyurl.com/2u8d7sjb) that oversimplifies interactions with narcissists. He distinguishes between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the broader spectrum of emotional immaturity, emphasizing the small percentage of diagnosed cases of narcissistic personality disorder. Tony critiques the casual and inflated use of the term 'narcissist' and clarifies that real narcissism and emotional immaturity come with significant implications in relationships. He breaks down the common traits of emotional immaturity, such as anger management issues and lack of accountability, and stresses the need to understand one's emotional maturity level. Tony also passionately refutes a technique involving empathy as a means to reach narcissists, highlighting its ineffectiveness and potential harm. This episode provides invaluable insights into protecting oneself from narcissistic abuse, the importance of setting healthy boundaries, and the journey toward emotional growth.00:00 Introduction to Narcissism and Emotional Immaturity01:44 Understanding Emotional Immaturity05:49 The Spectrum of Emotional Maturity06:55 A Personal Anecdote on Emotional Maturity11:07 Exploring Empathy and Narcissism15:45 Critique of Simplistic Solutions for Narcissism18:52 The Complexity of Narcissistic Relationships22:55 Ineffective Communication Strategies with Narcissists25:42 Understanding Narcissistic Supply27:03 Disarming a Narcissist: Tips and Challenges29:39 The Complexity of Empathy with Narcissists33:57 The Path to Differentiation and Self-Care46:54 Concluding Thoughts on NarcissismIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.comIf you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

Have you ever opened up to someone, only to have your vulnerability used against you? In this episode of Waking Up to Narcissism, we introduce the concept of the “attack surface”—that uncomfortable dynamic where emotionally immature or narcissistic partners turn your honesty into their weapon of control. We’ll also explore how this need for control originates from emotional immaturity, dive into the origin story of our deep-seated fear of abandonment, and discuss practical ways to develop your emotional maturity. From separating observations from judgments to the 4 Points of Balance in differentiation, this episode offers tools to help you confront unresolved personal issues in relationships with integrity and create healthier, more connected interactions.Are you in the mental health profession and are curious about using AI (artificial intelligence) notes? Check out Berries, the notes Tony described in today's episode. Click here https://berries.icu/?code=4952 Or use code Tony50 when you sign up to get $50 off your first month of Berries revolutionary AI, HIPPA-compliant mental health notes. If you are interested in seeing an example of a note, email tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com.00:00 Introduction and Welcome00:18 Speaking Engagements and Personal Anecdotes03:13 The Concept of Attack Surface11:36 Real-Life Example: Alex and Taylor15:03 Understanding Emotional Immaturity22:39 Control as a Defense Mechanism26:57 Origins of Fear and Emotional Abandonment28:02 Example Scenario: Jamie and Sam29:09 Sam's Fear and Defensive Reactions31:00 The Impact of Emotional Immaturity38:21 Observations vs. Judgments42:08 Developing Emotional Maturity45:22 The Four Points of Balance49:55 Confronting Personal Issues with IntegrityIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.comIf you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

Have you ever felt like you're losing your grip on reality in a relationship? Does your partner's behavior leave you constantly second-guessing yourself? You might be experiencing gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation that can shake the very foundations of your self-perception. In part 2 of “Gaslighting’s Greatest Hits: The Top Lies You Believed About Yourself”, we dive deep into the murky waters of gaslighting, exploring everything from unintentional mind games to deliberate, narcissistic abuse. Tony unpacks real-life examples of gaslighting in action, decodes the tactics of emotional immaturity, and sheds light on the narcissistic traits that fuel this behavior. You'll learn how to spot the signs of gaslighting, understand its impact on your psyche, and discover strategies to break free from its grip. Whether you're dealing with a 'nice guy' trapped in a cycle of silent suffering or navigating a relationship with an emotionally immature partner, this episode offers invaluable insights and practical advice. 00:00 Introduction and Gaslighting Jokes00:28 Welcome to Episode 12000:36 Recap of Previous Gaslighting Episode02:08 Introduction to Gaslighting Basics02:31 Understanding Emotional Immaturity05:26 Types of Gaslighting05:45 Unaware Gaslighting16:40 Feeling Like Something's Off17:15 Marker20:15 Knowing It's Wrong but Not Seriously Harmful25:13 Gaslighting Tactics Unveiled25:44 Emma's Story: A Case of Workplace Gaslighting28:30 The Nice Guy Syndrome: Tom's Struggle36:45 The Abusive Partner: Jack and Diane38:34 Projection: A Deep Dive42:03 Narcissistic Double Standards45:45 Recognizing and Reclaiming Your LifeIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.comIf you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com