Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

One pattern we've often seen in our clients (and lived ourselves) is feeling like our partner needs us in order to feel OK. This can start to feel like a burden, especially if it's a constant pattern.The truth is, it is each partner’s responsibility to tend to their nervous systems and be able to regulate their emotions enough to be able to regularly come to the relationship with presence and energy.But what do you do when someone's going through a hard time, or they've gotten used to leaning on you for support? This kind of thing can affect a dating or long-term relationship, and it tends to impact everything in your dynamic (including the sex).Here, we go through the ins and outs of this pattern, including its origins and how you can start to address it proactively with a love partner.Memorable quotes from this episode:“When she was feeling down, she needed a lot of support and attention from me.”“One partner can often keep giving and giving and giving and get burnt out.”“One of the benefits of relationship is co-regulation.”“She felt rejected because I needed to take space.”"It’s fair to say, 'I need you to have meaningful support outside the relationship in order to feel secure in our connection.'"---Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good. To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Ahhh, the conundrum: Your partner does something you don't like but you don't know how to say so, so you just let it ride (and resentment builds). Or there's something you do want from her ... but you don't know how to say it.This can also sound like, "How do I tell my partner I want something without seeming demanding?" or, "How do I share my needs without being needy?" or, "How do I tell her [something hard] without pissing her off, or having her feeling judged??"Real talk: Most of us didn't have healthy communication role-modeled to us in our family of origin. So when these kinds of things happen, we don't know what to say:Your dating partner wants to hang out this Friday evening, but you want alone timeYou want to try something new in sex with your wife, but have no idea how to bring it upYour woman partner is going through a hard time and has been leaning on you a lot, and you need a break---The good news? This is doable. You can learn how to communicate your needs skillfully in relationship, and it makes all the difference. Whether it's about sex, dating, or a relationship issue, the freedom to bring up and hold space for challenging subjects is not only deeply masculine, but of deep service in the world.Memorable quotes from this episode: "I guess I’ll just tolerate it.""Under every complaint is a desire.""Sharing desire is inherently vulnerable.""We have to teach our partners how to love us."---Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good. To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Ever felt stuck in a sexless or passionless relationship? Or craved more in a relationship but didn't know how to get there? Then you're going to love this episode.Allison and Jeff were both in sexless marriages before they got together. And as is almost always the case, sex is about more than just the sex -- it's also about connection, intimacy, joy, fire, and aliveness. The lack of it can feel stifling, or even soul-crushing.As Jeff put it, "I wasn’t with someone that made me feel good about myself ... It was like what you didn’t do wasn’t good enough; what you did do wasn’t good enough.” And in Allison's words, "When I say there was no passion ... there was no passion. At some point I realized we really had no relationship that didn't involve our children."But don't worry! Their story has a happy ending. They went from bad situations to finding one another, and now they have all kinds of wonderful, connected, kinky, delightful sex. :) How'd they do it? Listen on.Memorable quotes from this episode:“One day I woke up and said, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’”"I wasn’t happy but I didn’t realize how unhappy I was.""I didn’t even feel like I needed sex … until that marriage ended.""How many dicks did you have out at one point?!""Every nerve on my body works."---Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

In my work with men, I often find that stuck or stagnant energy is blocking success in a man's life. He's not getting what he wants in sex, connection, intimacy, or all of the above -- and he doesn't know what to do about it.Whether it's a single man struggling with sexual shame, a married man trying to figure out why it's so hard for him to lead his wife, or a man who's dating and noticing that he gets really triggered when he feels criticized by a woman (even if he knows intellectually that she's not trying to criticize him), the root cause is often the same:Unprocessed "stuff."Carrying around trauma is like walking through life weighed down by a backpack full of rocks. You don't always realize it's there until you're freed from it.And the truth is, women are magnetically drawn to men who are relaxed and grounded in their bodies. That kind of relaxed and open state doesn't just happen, and it's not something you're either born with or not. There are things you can do to get there.When it comes to processing trauma, shame, or just general stuckness, talking has limited efficacy. That's part of why you may not have gotten the results you were looking for through talk therapy or couples counseling. It's usually when we work the body (oh hi, somatic therapy) that we truly experience breakthroughs. Or as my guest, Luke Adler, puts it:"The beauty of breathwork is that you add tremendous fuel and bypass the mind."Memorable quotes from this episode:"We men have been acculturated to be thickened up.""It made clear where things were really working in my life and where they weren’t.""Whatever system is stagnant — it’s going to move.""People’s pace needs to be honored."---Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Here's some potent relationship advice: Learn to be skillful with transitions!If you've ever been in a dating relationship or long-term, committed relationship, you've likely experienced the chaos that ensues if you don't handle transitions well. For example, if you come home from work and you're not actually ready to be present with your wife or kids, it's likely someone will be pissed. ;)Transitions are about more than just that scenario, though. They're relevant in the early stages of dating all the way up to marriage.Many a married client come to us because he wants MORE in his partnership. He wants to show up well with his wife, and for her to feel good with him. He wants to inspire trust, connect with her sexually in a satisfying way (both for her and for him), and have her be able to truly surrender to him.This kind of close, sexy dynamic requires healthy, vibrant polarity. And if you're all about that good, good polarity with your partner, you need to know how to handle transitions well. Let's talk about it!Memorable quotes from this episode:"I don’t know if I want to take things deeper, so I’m just not going to talk about things.""She didn’t want him to be there if he didn’t want to be there.""I felt safer in the relationship because I knew that I wasn't the only one tracking things going on with us."---Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

"I’m curious about open relationships. How do I talk to my partner about it?"This is one of those thorny sex & relationship topics that a lot of us tread lightly around. We know it's sensitive, and if we're past the dating phase (i.e. we're married/in a long-term committed relationship), it can feel like the stakes are high. Like if we even raise the question, we could jeopardize this relationship that means a lot to us.If you've ever wondered how to bring up possibly opening up your relationship without hurting or offending your partner, you're in good company. Many people who are interested in the concept of open relationships are at a loss when it comes to talking about it with their partner.Here, we go over common mistakes people make when bringing this subject up with a relationship partner, and how to do it in a compassionate way -- a way that makes it clear this is an invitation, and not an ultimatum. (And obviously when it comes to good sex, dating, and relationship advice, ultimatums are rarely the answer!)We also get into an entertaining story of how NOT to do it, which includes a hot night of clubbing followed by the shower from hell. ;)Memorable quotes from this episode:“Monogamy is all I knew.”“Some people took this crush thing to another level.”“The thought, ‘I’m not enough’ exploded in his brain.”“Sexual autonomy is a thing some people want.”---Mentioned on this episode:Dr. Joli's work can be found here (www.jolihamilton.com/)The "done for you" conversation referenced can be found here (www.jolihamilton.com/easy)---Work with meReady to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good? Jason and I are ready to work with you in our flagship program, Pillars of Presence. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

When we think about sexy turn-ons and arousal -- especially when we're engaging in solo play -- many of us think about visual porn. The numbers bear this out: according to Psychology Today, 80% of men and 26% of women have watched internet porn within the last week.But what about other ways of being turned on? Specifically, what about erotica?It turns out a whole bunch of men are into audio porn (oh hi, ASMR) as well as story-based erotica and erotic fiction. This week's guest is an erotic fiction author, voiceover artist, and podcaster who writes erotic stories! We talk about turn-ons, the difference between visual porn and erotica, and how a giantess using a man's entire body as a dildo can be a huge turn-on.Memorable quotes from this episode:“Holy shit, what the F have I been missing?”“Erotica and audiobooks are immersion, and infinite instead of finite.”“They got tired of porn, so they started to explore erotic romance.”Work with usReady to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good? Jason and I are ready to work with you in our flagship program, Pillars of Presence. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

How do you know if you're being creepy? For many of our clients, the fear of making a woman uncomfortable -- or being seen as creepy -- can be debilitating or even paralyzing. These men are often concerned that they're "bad" just for wanting sex (hint: You're not. You're just human.).If you've ever been afraid of being perceived as creepy or a pervert, you're not alone -- even men in relationships have this fear. Much of it stems from early childhood experiences, including religious trauma. And fortunately there's a lot you can do about this.Here, we go into what it actually means to be creepy (including my own personal share of a bad experience I had with a man, vs. ones where I've felt safe and comfortable), as well as how you can start to own your own sexuality in a more healthy and straightforward way.Whether you're single, dating, or in a long-term committed relationship like a marriage, there's something here for you. Sex, self-acceptance, shame, and love are all connected.Memorable quotes from this episode:"I don't want to be a #MeToo guy.""Healthy sexuality is a part of your humanity.""There's often a shame match, where a man with shame attracts a shame-inducing partner.""As men grow and reclaim parts of themselves that have been denigrated, they attract different kinds of women.""I can have the kind of relationship I want!"Work with usIf you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we'd love to work with you. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Ever found yourself resentful of a relationship partner? Maybe you feel like you're always giving and never getting much in return. Perhaps you've seen her as selfish, not providing you with the respect, love, attention, or sex you need in order to feel connected.Everyone has heard, "You can't love someone else until you love yourself," but what does loving yourself actually mean? Hint: It's not just taking bubble baths or treating yourself to fancy pastries.Self-love is the bedrock of relationship, and it's deeply related to resentment, fulfillment, and -- perhaps unexpectedly -- parenting. It's also linked to healthy sex, dynamic dating, and honest relationships.Whether you're currently in a romantic relationship, want to be in a relationship, or are somewhere in between, this is a critical skill to build. There are 3 myths about self-love. Can you guess what they are?Memorable quotes from this episode:"Oh my God, I don’t even love myself, and this could be driving some of our relationship patterns.""It was like a low-level sadness, like something was missing in my life but I didn’t know what it was.""Anything I didn’t deem as a positive emotion, I didn’t make space for ... and that translated to my kids.""We are never the same self; you are always relating to a different self.""'I’ve got to work harder' is a trigger thought"“I need novelty.”---From this episode:Megan’s podcast: Amory (amorypodcast.com)Megan’s mini-course on self-love (Our retreat, The Nature of Relating, in Costa Rica, Nov 9-14. Use code FRIENDOFMEL for $200 off (https://tinyurl.com/2p2ykrkz)---Work with usReady to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good? Jason and I are ready to work with you in our flagship program, Pillars of Presence. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)More upcoming live events:The Heart of Shadow program run by Jason & Luke starts Sept 19th and includes a live retreat Oct 18-22. Dear Men listeners get 10% off tuition here: melaniecurtin.com/shadow

Let's be real: For many men, it's often hard to figure out women. Moods change quickly, and often you know something is going on but you're not sure what (or how to find out). It's also hard when you feel like nothing you do is ever enough for her.Here we talk about feminine testing, and what it means to play with it by tussling. When she pushes your boundaries or overreacts to something seemingly small, what's really going on? Why does she seem to pick fights sometimes, but other times melt in your arms? And more importantly, how do you handle this in a way that actually builds connection for both of you?Hint: If you don't want negative emotional tension in your relationship, you need to get skilled at positive emotional tension.Whether you're dating, in a long-term relationship like a marriage, or anywhere in between, positive emotional tension helps with everything from connection to sex to a really hot date night.We also outline the difference between tussling — healthy, positive emotional tension — and abuse. To be in healthy relationship you must know the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and how to avoid partners with that patterning. We also delve into loving, conscious dominance -- which frequently leads to smokin' hot sex. ;)Memorable quotes from this episode:"Having a PhD really didn’t help much when it came to my relationships!"We all get needy.”“If I've got you arguing with me, at least I’ve got your attention.”Mentioned on this episode:Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) - an evidence-based treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron