Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

Raising a child as a single parent has to be one of the most difficult things you can do on this earth. Whether you’re a single parent right now or whether you’re in a  married relationship, I encourage you to listen to this podcast because you’re going to be encouraged, you’re going to be challenged and convicted as I talk with my friend Marissa Morris on the challenges and joys of single parenting.  If you’d like, you can read Marissa’s testimony HERE. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe  and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. Thank you for your continued support of this podcast. If you have a prayer request or if you have a topic suggestion or question, please contact me at my email. Show Highlights Bringing up your children with a partner is difficult enough, but single parenting poses unique challenges that can be overcome with a little help from your community. Single mom Marissa Morris shares that, as she raises her son, she is acutely aware that the relationship between a husband and wife which is symbolic of the relationship between Christ and the Church is missing in her home. Still, she trusts that the Lord will equip her to fill in the gaps for her son and that He will provide godly men in her child’s life that will mentor him and show him what it means to be a godly man living with integrity and grace. As a single parent, you have to do everything – caring for your child, household duties, work. But, Marissa says it is vital to spend time with the Lord no matter how busy she is in a day. “I can’t be a parent that the Lord called me to be unless I’m actually spending time with the Lord.” Carve out time to fill your well up spending personal time with the Lord and make sure your children see that you are doing it. It’s not just something you do when you’re alone or your children are asleep. Our children need to see that the most important relationship we have is with the Lord. As a single parent, community is important. In Marissa’s experience, it helps to be actively involved in her faith community. They were the ones who walked her through good times and bad – from struggling with forgiveness and grace after giving birth, to being a huge support with advice as she raises her child. Involving yourself in classes and group activities might mean an investment of time and resources, but the future dividends will be far beyond what you spend for it. Being involved in a strong church community gives you the mothers, fathers, brothers, and sisters that your child needs. Being a single parent doesn’t mean you have to raise your children alone. More than ever you need the family of God supporting you and your children. Resources Mentioned

This year I’m incorporating a new strategy to help bring accountability and focus to my days. I’m want to share it with you because if you’re like me, there are plenty of things in each of your days that are out of your control and I want to help you define a specific set of actions that you can control that can bring stability, focus, and perspective to your days. To save you some scrolling, if you’re looking for My Wife Emily’s Habit Tracker just click the link. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I would like to thank my Patreon supporters for their support.  I use this money to outsource things I do not like to do or don’t know how to do, which is very helpful to me as I share the content of this podcast with all of you. Subscriptions and reviews matter on iTunes, and I thank you for those who have done so, particularly mpatrick0815 and rachel.beth and murray1919 and nzolo1. You sharing this podcast is the number one way for people to find it! I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. Show Highlights At the beginning of each year, we love making resolutions and plans. I’m a heavy planner myself, but, as time goes by, I’ve realized that most of my plans don’t come true, largely due to the many things that happen that are out of our control. However, there are several things that ARE in your control. There are small but significant things that if you put yourself towards them, you can say you gave it your best. When I do everything in my control, I can say to myself at the end of the day: “I cannot control the outcomes, but as far as inputs go, I feel like I honored the Lord with how I did my day.” Take some time to reflect on the little things that you can do each day. What are the key things that you want to include in your day that at the end of the day you can say it was a good day, you gave it your best, you did the right things. Start incorporating these things into your daily routine by trying habit stacking. Take note of things that are automatic to you: eating at the same time; taking the same route to work; your morning routine. Then, add a new habit that you want to develop to your routine, creating a chain reaction of habits. For example, I’ve been able to establish the routine of waking up early everyday. I can then stack it with my prayer time. I drink coffee early in the morning everyday. I can stack reading the Word for the day on to that. Habit stacking eliminates the effort of developing new habits separately. One habit dominoes into the other. Keep up new habits by doing habit tracking. List down the habits you want to form and check off each time you’re able to fulfill them. These principles and strategies can help shape your days in a way that ultimately shapes your character and your destiny. Remember, when you sow a thought, you begin an action and when you sow an action, you start to begin developing a habit. When you sow a habit, you reap character in the long run. You really have the opportunity to set yourself up for a year of thriving. Resources Mentioned Jay’s email: jay@letsparentonpurpose.com Jay’s e-book: Fun Family Conversations. Text THINGS to 66866 to download for free. Previous episode: Nir Eyal: Raising Indistractable Children Previous episode: This Year: Do Less, Better Book: The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg Book: Atomic Habits by James Clear Book: Indistractable by Nir Eyal My Wife Emily’s Habit Tracker App: PrayerMate Journal: Levenger 5-year journal

Today I’ve got five questions to share with you as you go into this new year that might help you to do less, but to do it better. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I would like to thank my Patreon supporters for their support.  I use this money to outsource things I do not like to do or don’t know how to do, which is very helpful to me as I share the content of this podcast with all of you. Subscriptions and reviews matter on iTunes, and I thank you for those who have done so, particularly mpatrick0815 and rachel.beth and murray1919 and nzolo1. You sharing this podcast is the number one way for people to find it! I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. Show Highlights My New Year’s resolution is: I want to do less than I did last year and the year before that. Think of it like pruning a tree or, in the case of John 15, a vine. Jesus says that he’s the vine and every branch that bears fruit must be pruned so it can bear more fruit. In the context of your life, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate and not add more new things to divide your attention with. Try to focus on doing the more important and fruitful things better. Productivity isn’t always the same as fruitfulness. Sure, you can get a bunch of things done, but sometimes those things aren’t beneficial to you when you consider the bigger picture. If you just try to get everything done, you could easily burn yourself into exhaustion and in the process maybe become bitter or edgy in your relationships and in your outlook on life. In Luke 10, we hear the story of Mary and Martha. They welcomed Jesus into their house and while he was there, Mary decided to sit at his feet and listen to his teachings. Martha was distracted by chores and work she thought she had to do to serve Jesus as a guest. When she asks Jesus to tell Mary to help her, the Lord answered: “Martha, you are anxious and troubled about so many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” As we approach 2020, here are five clarifying questions that can help you take a critical look at what you’re doing in your life, and what you might be able to do less: What’s one activity I find myself doing that does not add true value to myself or anyone else? What’s something that I do primarily motivated by guilt or fear of what someone else will think? What’s something I spend money on that does not truly enhance my life in the least? If I was paying someone $100 an hour to coach me, what’s one thing that they would tell me to stop doing? What’s the one thing I can do that by doing it, many other things become easier or unnecessary? My “one thing” in my personal life is what I call my “margin in the morning.” It’s that couple of hours in the early morning when I have no distractions from work calls and emails, from my kids, or anything else. I use this time to pray, to walk, to exercise, and to read the Bible. When I am able to do this, I find that I can engage people in a completely different way. In my work life, my one thing is to create. Whether it’s creating sermons, lessons, or content, if I am able to eliminate distractions and just concentrate on that creative time, it seems to help me and others the most. Going back to John 15, remember in this coming year that you are not called to bear fruit. You are called to abide in Jesus. When you abide in Jesus, He will produce fruit through his spirit in your life. When you are able to prune your life, to focus on the best things you can do, it will help you to catch your breath, to actually sit at the feet of Jesus a little bit more. Resources Mentioned Jay’s email: jay@letsparentonpurpose.com Jay’s e-book: Fun Family Conversations. Text THINGS to 66866 to download for free. Previous episode: Nir Eyal: Raising Indistractable Children Book: The One Thing by Gary Keller with Jay Papasan

If you have any hope of parenting your family over the very long run, then you have to understand and live by some helpful rules for recovery. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I would like to thank my Patreon supporters for their support.  I use this money to outsource things I do not like to do or don’t know how to do, which is very helpful to me as I share the content of this podcast with all of you. Subscriptions and reviews matter on iTunes, and I thank you for those who have done so, particularly mpatrick0815 and rachel.beth and murray1919 and nzolo1. You sharing this podcast is the number one way for people to find it! I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. Show Highlights I am currently writing a book! Its working title is Parenting is a Marathon, Not a Sprint. The chapter I want to share with you today is Seasons of Life from the section Rules for Recovery. I’ve trained for and joined several marathons and one of the major things I’ve learned from them is that the rarity is when things go smoothly. Mishaps happen along the trail no matter how hard you train or how well you prepare. In the same way,  we live in a sinful, broken world. You should expect injury, exhaustion, and depletion. BUT, you don’t have to live injured, exhausted, and depleted. A wise runner adapts their training and competitive schedule to their environment and a wise parent also needs to recognize the Seasons of Life. The Seasons of Life include:   Child development seasons. Growing years can be full of wonder as your child begins to explore friendships, hobbies, and interests. Through the years, they will hit milestones in the development of their mind, body, and spirit. Their levels of competence and independence will change too. You’ll find yourself in different roles as caregiver, coach, and adviser as they journey towards adulthood. You have to adjust to their needs depending on what stage they are at. You might be experiencing several seasons at once if you have multiple kids. Transition season. We sometimes experience a season of change in our family life, whether it’s moving to a different place, switching schools, welcoming a new member into the family. Change takes time to get used to and can sometimes be intimidating. Help each other through this season. Grieving season. Whether it’s a death in the family, a painful end of friendship, or a moral failure, grief can overcome a family. If you find your family in a grieving season, slow down. Give time and space for the grieving and don’t push to get past this immediately. Acknowledge the hurt and the brokenness, but also the hope that you have in Christ. Give it time. Busy seasons. Sometimes you find yourself with more to do than you can possibly get done. But, watch out. If you cannot see an endpoint where things will decompress, it isn’t just a season. It could be a dangerously unhealthy lifestyle. Stop and make some changes. Stop trying to be superhuman. Special needs seasons. Taking care of a family member that’s sick or has special needs means your family is going through a difficult but ultimately strengthening period. You may not be able to enjoy things that other “normal” families do in this season, but God is using this season to form each person’s character. Jesus is making you more like him. As you take care of your sick family member, be aware of the needs of other people in the family as well. What seasons have you experienced? What season are you in right now? How did this season change what you are able to expect from yourself? You can’t be everything to everyone at the same time. The secret to surviving the long-haul is realizing your situation and responding accordingly. Resources Mentioned Jay’s e-book: Fun Family Conversations. Text THINGS to 66866 to download for free. Previous episode: Teaching Your Children How To Grieve with Bethany McLaughlin

In today’s world, parents and children alike seemed to be fighting an endless battle with distraction. It seems like every month a new technology comes out that shortens our attention span. But what if the technology isn’t to blame? What if the real issue isn’t our phones, it’s us? My guest today Nir Eyal, author of the book Indistractable, is going to coach us on understanding the tendencies that we have for distraction, and help us with a roadmap for Raising Indistractable Children. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe  and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. Thank you for your continued support of this podcast. If you have a prayer request or if you have a topic suggestion or question, please contact me at my email. Show Highlights With evolving technology like virtual and augmented reality and artificial intelligence, the future is becoming more and more distracting for our kids. In fact, Nir Eyal says, becoming indistractable is the skill of the century. Being indistractable – being able to take control of your attention, your time, and your life as opposed to other people controlling it for you – is really valuable for people of all ages, not just children. Becoming indistractable yourself is a step to helping your child master the skill as well. One major cause of distraction is seeking an escape from something we don’t want to feel. Whether it’s stress, anxiety, fatigue, we impulsively turn to distractions to take our mind off these uncomfortable feelings. The first step we have to take is to understand how to master those internal triggers. When it come to kids, the problem is, parents have no idea what their kids are escaping from when they overuse the number one distraction – technology. Parents often blame external factors, anything that is not us. The risk is, we don’t get to the root of why our kids turn to distractions. We need to address our children’s need to affirm their competency, confidence, and autonomy. If they aren’t able to feel these offline, they’ll look for these online. Nir says, “If we fail to understand the deeper reason why kids overuse technology, we keep putting bandaids on a gash wound.” Help your child by setting parameters and involving them in making the rules. 45 minutes of screen time is not harmful, as long as it is age appropriate content. Working this into your child’s schedule also takes their mind off of it the rest of the day. They know they get to play their video game or watch their show at the right time. If they make the rules with you, they will be less likely to cheat. Resources Mentioned Jay’s e-book: Fun Family Conversations. Text THINGS to 66866 to download for free. Nir’s book: Indistractable Nir’s book: Hooked Nir’s website: https://www.nirandfar.com/

As much as we would like to shelter our children from any terrible events and tragedies happening in their life, life is going to be filled with grief and loss. My friend Bethany McLaughlin joins me today as we talk about how to teach your children to grieve. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe  and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. Thank you for your continued support of this podcast. If you have a prayer request or if you have a topic suggestion or question, please contact me at my email. Show Highlights As parents, it’s normal for us to want to shelter our children from pain and sadness. But, remember that even Jesus wept and grieved. So it’s natural for all of us, who were made in his image and likeness, to grieve. Bethany McLaughlin points out, “hard things are going to happen to our kids and by shielding them from that, we’re setting them up for failure.” Grieving is a natural gift from God that helps us process loss. We don’t have to change our child’s grief over any type of loss that they encounter. Rather, we have to equip them with tools they need to deal what they are experiencing. Here are some things to keep in mind to help our children through their journey of loss and grief: Starting the conversation early helps prepare the kids for difficult things they may encounter in the future. Don’t wait until you are in the middle of a difficult situation – and in the thick of your own grief to talk to your kids about it. Equip your kids with the tools they need if anything might happen later on. The stages of grief do not happen in linear order. And, as a parent, you and your child may not be in a particular stage at the same time. It takes a lot of awareness and self-reflection to understand this. Your job is not to hurry them through the sadness. Let them go through the process at their own pace. Give your children with an emotional vocabulary to express what they are going through. Use concrete language because children don’t understand abstract thought at a young age. If you say the one who dies “is gone” or “is asleep” they may not get the point. Or worse, they’ll develop unnecessary fears. Children just need you to be honest with them. Movies and stories can help children understand grief. Use Disney movies or children’s books to spark a conversation about loss and grief. Curiosity can lead to compassion. Let your child know that they can talk to you about grief. Allow them to ask questions about hard topics like death and loss. Try to answer them as honestly as you can. Bethany says, even more than equipping your children to handle their own feelings of grief, learning these concepts allows them to empathize better with others who are experiencing loss. “Having that empathy to understand other people’s grief and awareness of what others are experiencing will help them love others, which is our mission – to love God and to love others.” Resources Mentioned Jay’s e-book: Fun Family Conversations. Text THINGS to 66866 to download for free. Book: Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen Book: Finding Grandpa Everywhere: A Young Child Discovers Memories of Grandpa by John Hodge Article: What God Says to Your Tears

  Sometimes you come here for help on your marriage. Sometimes you tune in because you need an encouragement on your walk with God. And, sometimes you need to know how to save your child from ostrich attacks, accidental time travel, and anything else that might happen on an average Tuesday. Today I’m joined by Twitter comic James Breakwell and we talk about… well, you’re just going to have to listen in and see. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe  and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. Thank you for your continued support of this podcast. If you have a prayer request or if you have a topic suggestion or question, please contact me at my email. Show Highlights Parenting is hard. There are so many things out of your control that you want to change about yourself and so many things that you would shield your children from if you could. Our guest James Breakwell – a humorist and “amateur dad” to four daughters – highlights the importance of keeping humor in your parenting life and being able to not take things too seriously. James’ parenting philosophy on “bare minimum parenting” started out as a joke: “What’s the least you can do to still turn out a productive human being?” He soon realized that he may have stumbled upon something that really makes sense. Doing less could be beneficial for your child. It makes them more independent while making you less stressed out. It lets you develop together. In James’ new book “How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else that Might Happen on an Average Tuesday,” he outlines what to do in several survival scenarios with kids. Some of these include defending you and your kids against: Ostriches – “If you put a broom over your head, it will think you are a bigger ostrich and leave you alone.” Geese – James calls geese “a real-life menace.” None of us want to admit that we want to fight a goose and look like a jerk in the process. But, secretly we all know that if one of us would just man up and take on that flock of geese and chase them out of here, we’d all be much happier. Clowns – Clowns teach kids when to run away and when to fight. As James says, “A healthy level of irrational distrust is key to survival. Sometimes your paranoia is right and it’s definitely right in the case of clowns.” Nobody is a parenting expert. Sometimes we get stuck in a performance-based relationship with our children and we fail to convey “I really love you just how you are and we’re going to work on this behavior together.” There are no perfect people. We accept that. But then we turn around and ask ourselves, “Why am I not the perfect parent? Why don’t I have a perfect kid?” Remember, in both our parenting and our faith, the more we stress out about being good and doing good and performing, the worse we become. If you feel like you’ve screwed up your parenting, keep in mind the silver lining that our bad experiences are just great stories in the making, or if you’re James, material for your next joke. Resources Mentioned Jay’s e-book: Fun Family Conversations. Text THINGS to 66866 to download for free. James’ website: explodingunicorn.com James’ Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn James’ new book: How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else that Might Happen on an Average Tuesday

We’re entering the season filled with awe, wonder, gratitude, and dread.  It’s that time of year where we get to spend time with family we love.  Sometimes, we get to spend time with family who are easier to love at a distance. Let’s be honest, just because we grew up together doesn’t mean we now have the same worldview, parenting styles, standards, goals, or aspirations.   And sometimes we love every member of our family, and are mostly on the same page as them, but it’s just overwhelming when they all get together at once. Today I give you a handy guide to having less stress, more fun, and perhaps even eternally significant extended family gatherings this Thanksgiving and Christmas Steps Discussed Release yourself from the guilt of thinking you’re going to please everybody. Stop sabotaging the peace of all of the days leading up to your family gathering.   Make a plan.  Aim to stick with your plan.  Walk in grace when you cannot stick to your plan.  “How am I going to calendar these next few weeks with enough margin to not run ragged?” “How am I going to coach my children for some of the unsavory experiences they might encounter with our extended family?” “Knowing that I do not trust this particular person in my family, how am I going to make sure that my children are not left in vulnerable situations with them?” “How am I going to redirect conversations with grace when they go down gossipy or destructive pathways?” “How am I going to lovingly hold my boundaries when this particular family member tries to guilt or manipulate me?” “How am I going to love and support my spouse as they navigate the different people in their family?” Intentionally instill a time of personal worship and gratitude, for you and your immediate family.    Don’t miss the teaching and training opportunities in your own family.  Have honest conversations (without gossip or disparaging) with some of the struggles you’ve had in your family before.  Teach them how you’ve tried to love and also live in boundaries. Affirm their feelings if they don’t like some of their cousins.  Coach them on how to show love to hard people. Don’t go to your gatherings to “just get through them”, go seeking to be an instrument of grace. Bring your other family members in as best as you can on the plan.  If it’s dreadful for you, likely it’s dreadful for other family members.  Since you have some time, start talking about how you might intentionally make the time more meaningful as you’re together.  Maybe each family can put together a little photo video project of what happened over the last year.  Maybe you can plan a service project together.  Maybe as a family you can adopt a family in need and work together to provide for them. Think of ways you can be “others first” without feeling resentful and manipulated.  Don’t add to your spouse’s stress by guilting them over their family.   Pray for your family!   No family is perfect. Every family needs grace. And most likely, you’re the cause of other family members’ anxiety too! Love well, be intentional, and have hope. Click To Tweet  

Plenty of marriages end in divorce. But today you are going to hear from a couple who’s divorce didn’t really work out for them. Tray and Melody Lovvorn share their story of marriage, addiction, divorce, and remarriage to one another. Their story is going to strengthen your own marriage. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! I want to thank my Patreon supporters. Without them, this podcast would not have been possible. If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. Show Highlights Tray and Melody Lovvorn are a husband and wife team who have created the Undone Redone Ministry. In addition to their podcast, they provide seminars, coaching, a website, and support for men and women needing help in their marriage and parenting. Tray and Melody were married for 11 years before pornography addiction dissolved their marriage. After six years of divorce, God brought healing and transformation to their lives. They reunited in marriage together and are now on their second 11-year anniversary. I highly recommend that you visit their website and their podcast. The Problem Tray I began looking at pornography at a very young age, and I didn’t know how to deal with emotions going through me at that time. It became my go-to escape and where I went when I had emotional problems. You can have a sin addiction, but you can be fooling yourself that it’s not that bad because you can see growth in other areas of your life, including spiritual areas. God doesn’t cut us off because we have one or two messed up areas. The more I was struggling, the more I felt like “Well I know God’s faithful on His side, but I keep messing up my end of the deal.” Porn is a gateway to the Gospel because it actually introduces us to the reality of Gospel – that it was never about our good choices. It was about the finished work of Christ. I thought marriage was going to fix my problem with sexual sin, but it didn’t. Melody For me, the problem wasn’t something that you could put your finger on. Tray would be there physically but not emotionally. I thought we were a team, but I would look around and think “Where’d he go?” There’s a lot of confusion and you think: “Wait, I thought I was taking care of you, I thought I was loving you well.” The enemy loves to come in and just stir all that up. The Path to Divorce Tray All the hidden emotions and secrets exploded after 8 years of marriage, but I (Tray) was very motivated to not be divorced. We felt like God was bringing us back together, but I (Tray) had not gone to the root issue of the problem. I was so focused on the outward behaviors. It was like a tree – I was looking to saw off the branches, but I had not really gone to the deeper root issues of my brokenness. Community is absolutely key. When we look at just how shame grows and thrives, it needs three things. It needs silence, secrecy, and isolation. And so, if we need an antidote for that, we need to show up and share our stories in community with one another. And that’s what’s going to dispel shame. Clinically what we’re dealing with is an intimacy disorder. You can’t find healing from an intimacy disorder in isolation. Life got stressful and hard and I (Tray) reverted to what I had always done to medicate the pain in my life – pornography. Many women don’t understand that sometimes loving someone and letting them go and turning them over to the Lord is maybe the most loving thing you can do. The opposite of love is indifference. Indifference means you have separated in very unhealthy ways. After our divorce, I began to hear the Gospel and understand that the purpose of the law is to see our desperate need for grace. I had to really wrestle with the Father in the deep places of pain and understand that I had spent my life avoiding and medicating pain when the healing was on the other side of the pain. Healing and reconciliation Melody There was no win in the divorce. Tray’s sin was exposed before our marriage ended and my heart was exposed after our divorce. Outwardly, I looked really good, but privately I could be as angry as I wanted with him. We tried to hide it from our kids because we didn’t want them to feel like they were caught in the middle. ‘ Tray What made our reconciliation possible was: Melody kept me alive in the home. Sharing memories of me and praying with the kids for me. Understanding the Gospel that I had never really understood, which was God loved me and His grace was transforming power not only saving power. I didn’t know who I was as a man in Christ and so I looked to Melody to validate me and then to pornography and other women to justify who I was as a man. If you’re looking for somebody else to complete you, you will be perpetually incomplete. One of the main things we teach couples is that marriage is difficult by design. God uniquely uses the relationship of marriage as a part of our sanctification. The Journey to Remarriage Tray As we journeyed individually back to a deeper understanding of His heart, we realized that we weren’t the same people we were married to before. I began to realize who I was as a man and I began to live out of my true identity. Understanding that God loves me gave me courage to go into my brokenness. We dated in secret because we didn’t want our kids’ hopes to get up if it didn’t work out. By facing our fears, seeing a counselor, and trusting in the Lord, we finally got to the point where it was time to come public and get remarried. We slowly let our kids and family integrate back into this. As a parent, how do you set a culture that doesn’t drive your kids to shame if they find themselves faced with the issues of pornography and its manifestations?We’ve got to prepare our children. we’ve got to shepherd their hearts. We don’t expose them to inappropriate things, but we don’t pretend the world is different than it is. If we have ongoing conversations with our kids, we are communicating to our kids that we care and that we want to protect them. We create connections with our kids, and we create trust. It’s about shepherding their hearts and not so much being focused on their outward behavior. When we’re focused on outward behavior, shame is a very good tool to get to that desired behavior. But it does nothing to shepherd their hearts. It is damaging to our children’s hearts in the long run. Tweet This I was so focused on the outward behaviors – it was like a tree - I was looking to saw off the branches, but I had not really gone to the deeper root issues of my brokenness. Click To Tweet The opposite of love is indifference. Click To Tweet If you’re looking for somebody else to complete you, you will be perpetually incomplete. Click To Tweet Understanding that God loves me gave me courage to go into my brokenness. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Tray and Melody’s Ministry Website Episode 32: Our Story MySecureFamily Resources for Parents Melody’s Course for Women Who Have Experienced Betrayal Our Christ-Centered Recovery Program for Men EMBARK Men’s Recovery Intensive Tray’s Bio Melody’s Bio

If we’re honest, sometimes, we are afraid that following Jesus is going to be too costly for ourselves or our children. What if my obedience to Christ turns my children off to following Jesus themselves or it makes them lose out on some amazing opportunities that they may otherwise have? Today, I am having a conversation with the son of one of this past century’s greatest missionaries. You will hear how a childhood spent with parents who were radical in their obedience to Christ prepared him for what God had in store for his life. Give a Hope Chest If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. Also, check out my Facebook page for updates and encouragements. Show Highlights Sometimes we let our children be an excuse to not obey the Lord. As if God can’t take care of them as well if we do what God asks of us. Our guest today is Dr. Samuel Thomas, who is a native of India. He is the president of Hopegivers International, which provides “help for today, hope for eternity” by rescuing orphaned, abandoned, and at-risk children, and assists the needy and oppressed in collaboration with their ministry partners. Hopegivers is dedicated to fulfilling the Great Commission through the empowerment of the gospel. Over the last 60 years, God has used the ministry to plant 70,000 churches and transform the lives of tens of thousands of children. Dr. Thomas grew up in the home of Hopegivers founder, Dr. M.A. Thomas. As a child, the faith and obedience of M.A. Thomas helped shape Samuel for the calling that God has on his own life. He is here to speak about the importance of his parents’ faith and ministry on his formative years, and how serving God and obeying His call on our lives will enable our children to become heirs of the kingdom of God. S.T.: I grew up in a pastor’s home, who was a man of God. Growing up in the home, what I remember the most is that no matter what, the kids did not start the day without family prayer. At 5:30 in the morning, we had to wake up and read one chapter of Proverbs together. My parents were most concerned that we learn these principles in life: Not to lie Not to cheat To respect our elders And to see if we can solve the problem instead of creating the problem Even if I didn’t join my parents in prayer, my father wanted to instill in me the importance of prayer. My parents served the Lord and believed that the children should be trained in that as well. J: What did serving the Lord look like in your family? S.T.: My parents were trying to encourage me that there’s nobody better in life to ask for your things than God. My dad always said: There’s nothing more glorious than serving God. My dad realized that the best way to reach the country without bringing in missionaries from the outside was to raise orphans, who know the language and the culture, to be heirs to the kingdom of God – to raise them to know God and send them back to the people. That is what we do. We now have 47 homes taking care of children all across India. Now Hopegivers has over 70,000 churches through the children who grew up in the homes. Our hope at Hopegivers is not to give every luxury to the child. But every child should have food, clothes, soap, and access to medical facilities; every child should read the Bible (morning, afternoon, and evening). We want to make sure that no child in our orphanage feels like they are an orphan. We give them all the love and care that they need. You cannot ask for a more cursed situation than to be an orphan. Growing up in our home, growing up in the orphanage, its all about knowing that there is God who loves you, who fearfully and wonderfully has made you, and there’s a purpose in their life. J: Sometimes parents can be called to do something for the Lord, but shrink back in fear that they’re going to be robbing their children by doing it. As your parents obeyed God in their own lives, how did this affect you? S.T.: Firstly, I thought that they were taking advantage of me because I had no choice. But they were not doing that. They were teaching me how to be unselfish. They were teaching me how to care for others. Did they take away my freedom? No. Did it make me uncomfortable? Yes. But the reality is that there was something my father wanted to train in me. That’s where I learned to value people not possessions. Value relationship, not education. I would not trade growing up in the home that I did. I am thankful to God for the hardship that we had that did not actually take things away; it actually taught me things that I would never have learned in college. J: High character is not formed from a cushy life. High character is formed when you are pushed out of your comfort zone and you learn that you are not the center of the world and that you’re not in charge of things. It’s through suffering and sacrifice that our character is really formed. S.T.: Parents, God has given you the greatest wealth, greatest inheritance, greatest treasure – that’s your children. They’ll speak for you for ages to come if you raise them to be heirs for Christ. If you can learn from God how to be humble and if you can learn from God how to love people, no country can stop you from being a missionary for God. J: You don’t have the luxury of spoiling the orphans, except at Christmas through Hope Chest. What is Hope Chest? S.T.: Most of the children we bring to the orphanage don’t have any possessions. So, in October and November, we have a tailor come in and measure the children for a new girl’s outfit or boy’s outfit. They will get a pair of shoes, socks, a couple of undergarments, a blanket, a sweater, toiletries, a plate, and a glass. These hope chests are made from a cloth bag or vinyl material. For the entire year, this is the children’s closet. The orphans who have left will tell you that the best moments of their lives were when we gave them the hope chests. Are they spoiled? No. Are they grateful? Yes. J: Every Christmas, my family tries to think of some way that we can honor Jesus. The past several years, one of the ways we have done this is to give money to Hope Chest. $50 dollars will provide a complete hope chest. This might be a really good entry point for your family. Please, try and make Christmas about Jesus and not about the accumulation of stuff. J: How can we pray for you, Dr. Thomas? S.T.: Pray that we will never lose focus – that is to glorify Christ by taking care of the orphans. Glorify Him by life or death. May we continue to finish well. Tweet This High character is not formed from a cushy life. Click To Tweet Parents, God has given you the greatest wealth, greatest inheritance, greatest treasure - that’s your children. They’ll speak for you for ages to come if you raise them to be heirs for Christ. Click To Tweet If you can learn from God how to be humble and if you can learn from God how to love people, no country can stop you from being a missionary for God. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Hopegivers International Give a Hope Chest