Talk To Me: The Debra Fileta Podcast

What do I do with my raging sex drive while I’m single? I get that question a lot. But the problem is: not too many Christians are teaching about this subject. I can’t recall when I heard a sermon about sexual struggles on a Sunday morning, can you? But dealing with your sex drive is a problem that singles have to face on a regular basis….one that will ultimately have an impact on their future marriages as well, because learning to “tame the drive” is something you’re going to deal with after you’re married as well. So I thought it was about time to do an episode about sex drive and singleness. LET’S TALK ABOUT…THE SEX DRIVE When we talk about sex on the podcast, everyone gets excited…no pun intended. So, without further to do, click the links below to listen this insightful (and at times, awkward) conversation, as I answer today’s caller who is wondering how on earth can he deal with “the sex drive”  – as he puts it – while he waits for marriage. In this episode I cover: Why your sex drive (annoying as it may be at times while you’re single) is actually a good thing. Why the sex for marriage sentiment is actually backed up by psychology. The dangerous power of premarital sex. Why your sex drive is actually a symptom of something ELSE going on. The #1 way to stop having shame about your sex drive. How to fuel the spirit and starve the flesh, and what that means for your sex life. Some practical ways to control your sex drive while you’re single. Identifying things you are doing that might be growing your sex drive instead of controlling your sex drive. Why learning to control your sex drive is something you’ll need after you’re married as well. And a whole…lot…more! You’re going to love this candid conversation so get ready to for this necessary, honest, and insightful Episode 011 of the Love + Relationships Podcast. SUBSCRIBE AND LISTEN ON iTUNES BY CLICKING HERE Additional Ways To Listen: STITCHER Want to be on the Love + Relationships Podcast?  Go to truelovedates.com/loveandrelationships/ to submit your question and learn more. Enjoyed this episode of the podcast? Check out this episode about JUNK FOOD RELATIONSHIPS Resources Mentioned on the Love + Relationships Podcast and Additional Show Notes: Go deeper with this audio lesson: Sex and the Single Life: What To Do with Sexual Desires While You Wait Get busy learning what you need to know about healthy singleness, dating, and marriage. Check out Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me or True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life.   DEBRA FILETA is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of Choosing Marriage and True Love Dates. She’s also the host of the hotline style Love + Relationships Podcast. Her popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, reaches millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s easy to pretend we’ve got it all together. Especially in the Church. It’s easy to put our best face forward, to post our best photos on Instagram, and to tell our best stories for the world to hear. But none of that really matters if we’re pretending to be something we’re not. None of that matters if we’re actually hurting on the inside….if we’re not taking care of ourselves from the inside-out… if we’re isolated and alone with our struggles. It’s okay to not be okay. After the heart-breaking and tragic suicide of 30-year-old, Pastor Andrew Stoecklein a couple weeks ago, the conversation of what’s happening on the inside-out is one that the church is starting to open up to. I intend to bring this important conversation regarding our mental health to the surface with all I’ve got. As a professional counselor, I’ve both seen and experienced the darkness of depression…and journeyed the road of coming to terms with how much power I give it my life. There’s so much about this I’m talking about today with a very special guest. Because my guest today has also walked this journey. Jarrid Wilson is a pastor who has been so outspoken about his own journey with depression and suicidal thoughts. Not only that, but an incredible ministry was birthed out of his own personal journey of pain called Anthem of Hope, reminding people that… “It’s okay to not be okay” (CLICK TO TWEET!) Our conversation today is one that you CAN’T miss in light of what’s going on in the world today. Here you have it….a professional counselor and a pastor talking to you – not at you — from their own personal wounds and struggles. Saying, it’s okay not to be okay. We’ve been there, too.  If you’re struggling with depression or anxiety in any way, take the time to listen. Maybe you’ve never struggled with mental health issues but know someone who has, take some time to listen. Maybe you’re a leader or pastor or teacher in ministry, take the time to listen. No More Pretending In this episode we cover some personal and important issues including: Why Christians aren’t exempt from depression, and the two main factors that cause depression to make it’s entry into people’s lives. Jarrid and I both share stories about our individual journeys with depression and what was helpful for each of us in finding relief. We talk about how depression has impacted our respective marriages. Why Jesus, prayer, medication and counseling all go hand-in-hand. We talk about our reaction to those people who ignorantly tell us to “just have faith” in light of mental and physical health issues. I share that depression is a 3-part illness, and how we can navigate each part to achieve relief and even healing. Some signs and symptoms that you might be struggling with depression and don’t recognize it. You’re going to love this candid conversation so get ready to for this raw, honest, and challenging Episode 010 of the Love + Relationships Podcast. SUBSCRIBE AND LISTEN ON iTUNES BY CLICKING HERE Additional Ways To Listen: STITCHER Want to be on the Love + Relationships Podcast?  Go to truelovedates.com/loveandrelationships/ to submit your question and learn more. Resources Mentioned on the Love + Relationships Podcast and Additional Show Notes: Click HERE to find a counselor near you TODAY. Additional Articles About Depression:  4 Myths Christians Need To Stop Believing About Depression The Darkness of Depression and The Christian Response Depression Can Look Like This: 3 Truths For Christians Battling Depression Connect with Jarrid Wilson and Anthem of Hope, an incredible ministry aimed at helping people understand that it’s okay to not be okay. Check out their resources and get started on your journey of healing.  If you’re struggling in your marriage today, and looking for hope, I invite you to journey through the process of Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me. DEBRA FILETA is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of Choosing Marriage and True Love Dates. She’s also the host of the hotline style Love + Relationships Podcast. Her popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, reaches millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How much does physical attraction matter in a relationship?  What if you know someone is really good for you, but you don’t find yourself attracted to them at all? What if there’s  strong attraction, but qualities and traits missing from what you’re looking for? What if you’re married, and start struggling with physical attraction in your marriage? Questions about physical attraction are some of the most frequently asked questions I get on my blog.  Because physical attraction is, without a doubt, an important part of a relationship. But have we gotten to a point where our expectations of physical attraction in a relationship are unrealistic? My Mind Says Yes – My Body Says No? In today’s episode, I’m having a candid chat about physical attraction with two different guys. First, I’m talking with a young man who is trying to understand how important physical attraction should be in his search for love. I find out that his relationship history has a big part to do with his expectations, and you’ll find out why when you tune in. After our conversation, I bring on my good friend and prolific relationship author, Gary Thomas. Gary and I dive into some really hot topics about attraction in ways that not many people are talking about, and you’re going to love this candid conversation. Physical Attraction 101 In this hot-topic episode, we cover: 2 IMPORTANT Questions you need to ask yourself to know whether or not you’ve got a healthy understanding of physical attraction. The actual definition of attraction and why it matters that you know it. We discuss the many different levels of attraction and how attraction is multi-faceted.  How to prioritize the importance of physical attraction. Understanding your typical “type” and when to be open to other options. Exploring the things that are influencing your perspective of beauty and physical attraction, and how to control those things. Learning whether or not you’re living in “the extremes” and whether or not you have healthy expectations. Making sure you have a realistic understanding of who YOU are and your own level of “physical attraction” in the equation of what you’re looking for (yep, I said it). The percentage of people who are struggling with attraction in marriage and what to do about it! Three things you can do to increase your attraction to your spouse.  I reveal the one thing I was MOST AFRAID to talk about regarding physical attraction in my book Choosing Marriage. The one prayer Gary Thomas prayed in order to continue growing in life long physical attraction toward his wife! Single, dating, or married this show has something for you. You’re going to love these candid conversations, so grab your notebook, and get ready to write down the nuggets of truth from this fun, honest, and challenging Episode 009 of the Love + Relationships Podcast. SUBSCRIBE AND LISTEN ON iTUNES BY CLICKING HERE Additional Ways To Listen: STITCHER Want to be on the Love + Relationships Podcast?  Go to truelovedates.com/loveandrelationships/ to submit your question and learn more. Resources Mentioned on the Love + Relationships Podcast and Additional Show Notes: Connect with Gary Thomas, and find all the info about his latest books, at his blog. And be sure to check out my two favorite marriage books he’s written: Sacred Marriage, and Cherish. Find out more about the understanding your attraction template and your sexual pallet, and  learn ways to rekindle attraction in marriage in my book, Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you ever been through a hard time in your life where you thought to yourself, “This is not what I wanted my life to look like. This is NOT what I expected.” What happens when life doesn’t turn out how you planned? How do you navigate those hard times of hopelessness and discouragement, when you feel stuck in a life that you never expected. Maybe your hard time is that you just went through the heartbreaking loss of a failed or broken relationship. Maybe you’re single, and your hard time is that you thought FOR SURE you’d be married by now, but find that instead, you’re struggling with loneliness and discouragement. Maybe your hard time right now is walking through grief, or loss, or illness…and you find yourself asking why. Today’s guests went through their own difficult journey of asking why. After the tragic untimely deaths of their respective spouses, Brittany Price and Daniel Brooker each found themselves as a young widow/widower – dealing with their own individual journey’s of grief, and pain, and heartache, and loss…a loss that ultimately brought them together in remarriage. This is an incredible story of two broken hearts, who never let go of Hope. Their story encouraged me during one of my darkest times and I know it will encourage you. When Life Doesn’t Turn Out How You Planned In this special episode we cover: The details of their journey of grief and loss and the heartbreaking experience of losing their first loves. (I about lost it, hearing their stories you guys!) Their honest and candid truths about the hardest part of remarriage and blending families. Their best advice for anyone who is considering remarriage. Some incredible encouragement for ANYONE who is dealing with a hard time in life. How the past can be paralyzing, and the importance of taking steps to move forward in healing. Learning to shift your perspective from WHY to WHAT as a way to deal with grief and loss. The importance of gratitude in the midst of suffering. Why mentorship is a critical part of the healthy life. Learning to trust God and cling to His Word in the midst of hard times. Remembering God’s faithfulness and goodness through it all – and how he can redeem every story and every situation. Single, dating, or married this show has something for you. Bring the tissues. Grab your notebook, and get ready to write down the nuggets of truth from this inspiring and challenging episode 008 of the Love + Relationships Podcast. SUBSCRIBE AND LISTEN ON iTUNES BY CLICKING HERE Additional Ways To Listen: STITCHER Want to be on the Love + Relationships Podcast?  Go to truelovedates.com/loveandrelationships/ to learn more. Resources Mentioned on the Love + Relationships Podcast and Additional Show Notes: Connect with Brittany and Daniel on Instagram @BrittanyPriceBrooker and @DanielOBrooker. Brittany was so sweet to give a shout out to my book, Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me. I’m so grateful to hear how it’s encouraged her on this journey of marriage, and I pray it will encourage your heart as well as you learn to give out of your overflow. Pick up a copy for you or someone you know who needs some perspective and encouragement on what it looks like to choose marriage on a daily basis, and why it’s worth it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good communication isn’t something you’re born with. It’s not even a gender thing. It’s something you have to learn (CLICK TO Tweet it!) I was on a talkshow where I was talking about the importance of good communication in relationships. The host of the show stopped me to ask, “Debra, do you mean to tell me you expect men to be good communicators?” Why, yes. That is absolutely what I am saying. To be honest, I was really frustrated with that question. Because I rebel against the stereotype that men can’t be good communicators. I think it’s insulting, and unfair, and sets us up for less than God’s best in our relationships. We need to expect more, and teach both our sons and our daughters the importance of healthy communication… It has to be practiced. And even when you’re married and in love…you’ll still have communication issues to work through. Take me for example: a wife of 11 years, licensed counselor and relationship expert. But just recently my husband and I had one of those “communication mishaps” that we had to work through….(don’t worry, I’ll tell you aaaaaallllll about it!) because communication is something you have to practice. On this episode, I talk to a young man who is struggling to communicate well, and wants some suggestions on how to get to the next level with expressing himself, especially with his emotions. Because in order to express our feelings, we have to first acknowledge them. Good Communication Skills Are Up For Grabs In this podcast, we talk through some practical steps to good communication, and cover these important topics: Why communicating and expressing emotions isn’t a male/female thing. The four levels of communication and why they matter. How our family background and culture can influence our ability to communicate. Some suggestions in learning to acknowledge our emotions and feelings.  Why it takes practice to get to a better place with our communication. How to learn good communication even long before you’re in a romantic relationship. Learning to recognize the WALLS (barriers to good communication) that you have whether or not you realize it – because they’re keeping you from healthy communication. This concept has really changed my life and I write all about it in Choosing Marriage, but today I’m sharing it with you on the show! And of course, a few candid conversations about my relationship with John and some of our most recent communication mishaps! If you want some practical advice to mastering the art of communication, then episode is SO SO SO SO important for you to listen to! Because good communication isn’t something you’re born with. It’s something you have to learn. (TWEET IT!) Single, dating, or married this show has something for you. Tune in to today’s episode to hear licensed counselor, Debra Fileta, as she answers her caller through this unscripted conversation in Episode 007 of the Love + Relationships Podcast. SUBSCRIBE AND LISTEN ON iTUNES BY CLICKING HERE Additional Ways To Listen: STITCHER Want to be on the Love + Relationships Podcast?  Go to truelovedates.com/loveandrelationships/ to learn more. Resources Mentioned on the Love + Relationships Podcast and Additional Show Notes: Today’s caller shared that the 21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life Program was a huge step in helping him learn the importance of communication and take steps in that direction. Check it our for yourself and sign up to start the program today! As a special offer just for listening, use code PODCAST50 at checkout to get 50% off the program. Get a deeper look into the WALLS of Communcation, the Speaker-Listener Technique, The Four Levels of communication, some incredible statistics about communication, and so much more in my book: Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There’s a reason junk-food is so popular. It makes you feel good for a little while, it’s quick, and most of all – it’s convenient. But at the end of the day, it destroys your health and expands your waist-line. And we ultimately end up regretting it. The same thing kind of goes for “junk food relationships”.  We all say we want healthy relationships, but in reality, most of us tend to go for what’s easy and convenient rather than what’s good for us. Today I’m chatting with a woman who has a tendency to go for the convenience of dating the guy next door…whether or not he’s good for her. And this pattern is starting to have a negative impact on her life. Maybe for you it’s not the guy or girl next door, but it’s important to ask yourself if you tend to do what’s convenient, rather than what’s best for your life and relationships.  Part of the problem is that so many people today confuse their needs with their preferences. We end up making majors out of minors, and minors out of majors. If we’re not careful, what’s OKAY ends up taking the place of what’s BEST in our lives (TWEET IT!) Healthy Relationships Look Like This: Today’s conversation is so, so, so good. On this episode, we’re talking through: Learning to choose healthy relationships vs. convenient relationships. Understanding the difference between your needs and your preferences. Exploring how loneliness can drive us to make bad relationship choices, and how to deal with that loneliness. Learning to deal with uncomfortable emotions rather than try to sedate them. Understanding how to set boundaries in relationships that aren’t good for us. Finding the courage to say no to the people and situations that are going to bring us down. Practical steps to making a red, green, yellow list of the things you’re looking for in a relationship even before you’re in a relationship. Why marrying a believer is NOT optional. Single, dating, or married this show has something for you. Tune in to today’s episode to hear licensed counselor, Debra Fileta, as she answers her caller through this unscripted conversation in Episode 006 of the Love + Relationships Podcast. SUBSCRIBE AND LISTEN ON iTUNES BY CLICKING HERE Additional Ways To Listen: STITCHER Want to be on the Love + Relationships Podcast?  Go to truelovedates.com/loveandrelationships/ to learn more. Resources Mentioned on the Love + Relationships Podcast and Additional Show Notes: Learn the difference between what you WANT vs. what you NEED in a relationship. Check out my book, True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life Ready to have some brave conversations about marriage? Single, dating, or married, this book is for you. Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you’re single, I know you’re looking for online dating tips. Because, ugh, online dating?  It’s a love-hate relationship for sure…especially when it comes to being a Christian and trying to date online. From the Christian singles I’ve interacted with: they are online because there seems to be no other way to meet other Christian singles. So you give it a try, but like today’s caller  – you aren’t loving it. On today’s episode, I talk to a 36-year-old woman who comes from small town in the middle of nowhere, so online dating seems to be her only hope.  But she’s feeling fed up with it, and she’s looking for online dating tips. Somehow, she seems to be attracting the wrong kind of guys. So the question is…is it her? Is it her profile? Is there anything she can do to maximize her chances of finding a good match online. Online Dating Tips You’re going to want to tune in because I’m going to give you THREE TIPS to navigating online dating in a way that’s productive and will up your chances of finding a good match – and weeding out all the rest. Because like I said on today’s episode: It’s just as important to learn to attract the right people, as it is to learn to repel the wrong people. (TWEET IT!!) After our conversation, I’m going to introduce you to a married couple who actually met online – and it’s working for them! They’re going to share their online dating tips and tricks and how they knew it was a right match. You’re going to love their online dating advice so make sure you listen to the very end! I just adore this episode, and I know you will to. Get ready to take some notes! Single, dating, or married this show has something for you. Tune in to today’s episode to hear licensed counselor, Debra Fileta, as she answers her caller through this unscripted conversation in Episode 005 of the Love + Relationships Podcast. SUBSCRIBE AND LISTEN ON iTUNES BY CLICKING HERE Want to be on the Love + Relationships Podcast?  Go to truelovedates.com/loveandrelationships/ to learn more. Resources Mentioned on the Love + Relationships Podcast and Additional Show Notes: Learn to date in a healthy way. Check out my book, True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life Ready to have some brave conversations about marriage? Single, dating, or married, this book is for you. Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me Check out this info graphic with online dating tips!       Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you ever found yourself in one sided relationship where you are doing ALL the work? Where you are giving, and giving, and giving – and getting little to nothing in return? Why do you find yourself one way relationships again, and again, and again? The simple answer is this: You attract the type of relationship you think you deserve. (Tweet it!) So how do you change that narrative? How do you start believing that you’re worth more? How do you block out the lies that tell you you’re not capable, able, deserving, or worthy? Why am I always in a one sided relationship? On today’s episode, I talk to a woman who is struggling with one way relationships in every aspect of her life: from dating, to friendship. She finds that she is in a pattern of putting in all the effort, but getting nothing back in return. I also talk through the three types of relationships you need to have in your life, because learning to recognize which type of relationship you are in will let you know whether or not it’s time to WALK AWAY from a one sided relationship. Friends – this episode is SO JAM PACKED WITH AMAZING INFORMATION!!! Give this episode a quick listen, and then leave your 5-star rating and review on iTunes! It helps to get the word out and challenge others to move toward God’s best for relationships…because you always attract the type of relationship you believe you deserve! (Tweet it) Single, dating, or married this show has something for you. Tune in to today’s show to hear licensed counselor, Debra Fileta, as she answers her caller through this unscripted conversation in Episode 004 of the Love + Relationships Podcast. SUBSCRIBE AND LISTEN ON iTUNES BY CLICKING HERE Want to be on the Love + Relationships Podcast?  Go to truelovedates.com/loveandrelationships/ to learn more. Resources Mentioned on the Love + Relationships Podcast and Additional Show Notes: Learn to let go of the labels in Section 1 of, True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life Read some more about How To Deal With One Way Relationships in this TLD Article! Let go of the labels and cling to God’s truth about who you are in Christ. Ready to have a brave conversation about marriage? Check out my latest book, Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Did you know that conflict can break your relationship, but it can also make it? You can’t avoid conflict, but the way you handle it is key. “Conflict is the price we pay for a deeper level of intimacy.” (Tweet it!) That was the seriously-best-ever nugget of wisdom that Dr. Les Parrott (my good friend, and psychologist + New York Times Bestselling relationship author) had to say on this episode of the podcast.  After answering my listener question about how she should deal with conflict in her brand-new-marriage, I knew there would be no one better to chat with than Dr. Parrot, leading expert in the area of conflict. Because how you handle conflict tells me a lot about your relationships.   In fact, in this episode, I tell you about an out-of-this-world research study that was able to prove with 90% ACCURACY, which couples would stay together and which couples would get divorced based on how they fought.  That’s no joke. But the good news is that we also talk about what it takes to be successful in this important area of your life. Your fight style is key to the success of your relationships…so you better learn how to fight well. Because conflict can also lead to greater intimacy, if you know how to manage it in a healthy way. Give this episode (31 minutes) a quick listen, and then leave your 5-star rating and review on iTunes! It helps to get the word out and challenge others to move toward God’s best for relationships…because conflict is the price you pay for a deeper level of intimacy (Tweet it!) Single, dating, or married this show has something for you. Tune in to today’s show to hear licensed counselor, Debra Fileta, as she answers her caller through this unscripted conversation in Episode 003 of the Love + Relationships Podcast. SUBSCRIBE AND LISTEN ON iTUNES BY CLICKING HERE Resources Mentioned on the Love + Relationships Podcast and Additional Show Notes: You heard us mention the importance of knowing yourself on today’s show. There are so many aspects to your personality and your fight style is one of those things. Take the YADA assessment and learn more about your personality, your relationships style, your approach to conflict, and so much more: CLICK HERE TO TAKE THE YADA ASSESSMENT NOW! Learn more about your communication patterns, as well as strategies to navigate conflict in a healthy way, including the Speaker-Listener technique mentioned on the show in Chapters 2 & 3 of Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me Learn how to attract and keep a healthy dating relationships in True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life Want to be on the Love + Relationships Podcast?  Go to truelovedates.com/loveandrelationships/ to learn more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How do you know if someone is just not that into you? “You should never have to convince someone that you’re worth loving.” (Tweet it!) That’s exactly what I told the caller on today’s episode of the show.  After getting burned by a lady he’s been getting to know, he finds himself wondering how on earth is a person supposed to read the opposite sex and find out whether or not someone is interested? Are there signs to be on the lookout for? Why, yes…yes there are. 10 different signs to be exact. But here’s the key: you have to be willing to recognize them, and then accept them.  And I’m going to talk through all this and more in today’s interesting show!! If you’ve ever been in a relationship where you wondered whether or not they felt the same way about you as you felt about them (whether dating or even in marriage) — then this episode is for you. Give this short episode (25 minutes) a quick listen, and then leave your 5-star rating and review on iTunes! It helps to get the word out and challenge others to move toward God’s best for relationships…because you should never have to convince someone that you’re worth investing in (tweet it).  [Single, dating, or married, this episode has something for you! Tune in to today’s show to hear licensed counselor, Debra Fileta, as she answers her caller through this unscripted conversation in Episode 002 of the Love + Relationships Podcast.] SUBSCRIBE AND LISTEN ON iTUNES BY CLICKING HERE Resources Mentioned on the Love + Relationships Podcast and Additional Show Notes:  10 Signs He/She Is Not That Into You Does He Like Me? 7 Clues He’s Interested Does She Like Me? 7 Clues She’s Interested Learn how to attract and keep a healthy dating relationships in True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life Find out choices you can make today, to build a better marriage for tomorrow in Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me Want to be on the Love + Relationships Podcast?  Go to truelovedates.com/loveandrelationships/ to learn more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices