The SelfWork Podcast

There’s a worldwide recognition that we can never be grateful enough for the things we so often take for granted. And there are many who are facing this current “unprecedented” stress with that kind of gratitude. Others are struggling more. So how is it that some seem more resilient than others? We'll break down this episode talking about the definition of trauma, the major things that put resilience to the test, and the four most common responses to stress. Then, we'll move quickly on to ten tangible things you can do to build your own resilience - as always, "what you can do about it." The listener email today is from someone who was offering much-appreciated support for my work here at SelfWork - and include an important message for all my listeners. Important links and quotes for today: Psychology Today article quoted frequently in this episode. African Proverb: "The wind does not break a tree that bends."  Maya Angelou: “I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” E. L. Doctorow: "It's like driving a car at night. You may never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!              Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

How do you set up a situation where you can safely talk about something painful from your past? Today’s episode was sparked by a listener telling me that she’d been sexually abused, and is now dissociating during sex with her very loving husband. He's aware of her history, but hasn’t a clue about what she’s truly experiencing. How could she open up to him? I'll be going over seven steps to that will help to create as much safety as possible for that emotional conversation. I want to welcome BetterHelp as a new sponsor to SelfWork. I'm excited about the possibility of my audience benefitting from their service and they have a special offer coming your way! The listener email is from a woman who's identified with perfectly hidden depression, but is quite concerned about finding a therapist that will maintain her confidentiality. Important Links mentioned in the episode: RAINN's sexual abuse crisis line Episode 007 on the pros and cons of telling about sexual abuse The Body Keeps the Score: Bessel Van Der Kolk Courage to Heal Workbook by Laura Davis Courage to Heal Workbook for Partners called Allies for Healing You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Sleep and sex – how does a couple balance out these two needs and desires?  How many times have I heard a couple argue about whether or not they’re having enough sex. One will usually say I’m too exhausted. The other feels rejected. Both feel unappreciated and hurt.  I'll offer a couple of tips from experts and couples themselves about how they balance two different libidos and two different sleep styles while managing to reach a compromise. And by the way, there was a study done several years ago that tested different factors (including level of salary)  to see which ones might lead to greater life satisfaction and sense of happiness. The two that were most powerful? Sexual satisfaction (being content in your sex life) and sleep – getting enough of it. That’s an eye opener for sure. The listener email today is from someone who wants to know how to talk with her spouse about abuse she suffered as a child. I’ll give her my answer! Important Links: Dr. Pat Love's Hot Monogamy One of Dr. David Schnarch's first books on sexual intimacy and couples. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!            Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

We’re going to talk about disappointment today. Mainly, how can you keep it from leading to actual depression? We'll go through what the role of expectations play and their connection with irrational beliefs, using the model of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). We'll also discuss five important steps that can help you work through disappointment and discover the meaningful gifts it can bring. The listener email for today is from a mom who was very angry with me – and who started to cuss me out for writing a post that her daughter had sent to her. But she managed to corral her defensiveness and let the words sit with her – as she began to be more objective and acknowledge what had occurred between them. I was impressed with her turnaround and wanted to share her story with you. Important Links: The article in the Harvard Business review and Winston Churchill's story The 11 irrational beliefs as touted by REBT and its founder Albert Ellis Dr. Sophie Henshaw's  article in Psych Central that offered the structure for my own discussion of working through disappointment, a great read in and of itself. And a slightly different view than my own. A website page that was full of quotes about disappointment. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Do you sabotage relationships that have potential? Are you risk averse? Do you commit too quickly or are you passively going along with the relationship continuing? Today we're talking about several ways you can sabotage a relationship's potential or you can end in a relationship that's simply not healthy. As this podcast is being recorded when so many of us are staying home with family, we’re enjoying the strengths of the relationships we’ve built – but also perhaps bearing up under the brunt of ones that aren’t what we’d hoped they would be. Or you're home alone, wondering why certain relationships "never worked." The listener email today is one that is very timely – and we’re going to spend a good bit of time on it -- what you’re seeing in your relationships on lockdown. It's from one woman who isn’t able to escape how there’s no sense of partnership or even enjoyment of being together.. and she's therefore lonelier than ever. She wrote me back after this episode was recorded and told me that the podcast on apathy was actually very helpful to her. Important Links: Episode 069 on the victim/savior relationship. Raquel Peel's TED Talk on anticipating failure in relationships My own podcast on combatting apathy in relationships You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!              Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’ve never experienced what I did this past week but it's normal considering the current pandemic. The podcast topic was completely elusive to me. There was too much else on my mind. After really struggling to know what to talk about, I wondered if many of you were having a similar struggle. How exactly are we all supposed to focus on the tasks or experiences of the day – and not allow the anxiety from the novel coronavirus to overwhelm us?.So that became the topic - coping with anxiety. One answer is through beginning to meditate. It doesn't take long and even though you may feel as if you're failing, the practice itself gently begins to help you focus and find more calm. Included below is are links to the best meditation apps of 2020, a graph about the benefits of meditation, and Deepak Chopra's offering of a free mediation workshop. The listener email was a tough one for me. But I wanted to share it with you. I’d never want anyone to feel the way this listener did – of course I can’t control that, but her response was genuine. Important Graphic and Links: Huff Post Article on Meditation and site of below graphic Best Meditation Apps of 2020 Link to Deepak Chopra's free meditation course You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                              Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Just because I’ve written a book about perfectly hidden depression (PHD)  doesn’t mean that I’m through with learning about it. With each person that I’ve heard from, or has joined my practice because of my writing about PHD, or from the podcast hosts that have been generous enough to have me on, I keep learning. My first podcast (Episode 003) on it was so long ago -- I hadn't even started the book but only had a book proposal done. So we’ll take each of the ten traits of PHD and I’ll let you in on some understanding I've gleaned since writing the book --  kind of “what’s new in perfectly hidden depression." I'll use several different emails I've received from you from people who've identified with PHD - and try to answer their questions as well. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!            Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

This is a special episode of SelfWork to try and help you handle the anxiety that you may be feeling with the emergence of the Corona-19 virus worldwide. Especially if you're already managing anxiety or depression, or are someone who struggles not to be governed by your emotions, then the fear and grief that this pandemic brings can be very hard to handle. We're all dealing with fear and grief simultaneously, and that's very difficult. We'll talk about three different aspects of anxiety: Handling being at home (whether you're alone or with eight others), managing the fear itself; and managing relationships with others who may not be realizing the impact of their actions on you and/or your children. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re going to cover how to begin to stop beating yourself up in a way that may surprise you a little. Because the behavior can seem as if you’re being extra careful or caring. But the habits of beating yourself up – the ways you maintain or fuel that self-doubt – can lead you further down the rabbit hole of shame and emotional paralysis. So let’s get started on “What can you do about it.’ And the listener email is from someone who was asking if I had time to talk with her individually – I wish I had time to do that! But we’ll talk about options for how to make the most out of at least what I have to offer… and some changes I’ve had to make due to the success (which I owe to you!) of SelfWork Important Links: Episode 113 on imposter syndrome You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re talking about the relationship between resilience and vulnerability and how those two things are an integral part of living a purposeful life. I’ll use some quotes from one of my favorite books – one of those books you read that makes an indelible impression on you. And we’ll touch on what actually creates resilience, which is the ability to bounce back, to remain purposeful even if you get disappointed or you fail at something. And I ask these questions: Does being resilient mean you can't allow vulnerability? Or if you reveal vulnerability, does that reflect a lack of resilience? Here's my best answer. Our listener email is from someone who has fallen in love with a man whose son died within the last year. She wants some advice on how to be supportive in this very new but already special relationship. Important Links: Article on Dr. Victor Frankl and “logotherapy.” Psychology Today article by Maureen Healy on developing resilience You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                      Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands