The SelfWork Podcast

I first met Kimberley as a guest on her incredible podcast, Your Anxiety Toolkit, after the book Perfectly Hidden Depression came out. She's also been on SelfWork to discuss her own book The Self-Compassionate Workbook for OCD  and was an obvious pick to lead off these guest episodes. Why? Because she’s not only an expert at treating anxiety and I knew whatever she chose to talk about would be pragmatic and useful from the very moment you heard it – but she’s very caring, open, and organized. When I listened to the episode you’re about to hear, I found myself much more calm at the end than when I’d begun listening!  You’ll learn fun facts, like having the strong urge to poop when you’re anxious is quite normal, as well as seven hard-earned but unbeatable steps to help you intervene with your response to anxiety. The point is not to stop anxiety. It’s to become aware of your own very unique response to it and choose what Kimberley calls “a values-based response to your anxiety” and to “ride its wave.” Not easy to do. But she’s also known for her oft-stated mantra, “Today is a beautiful day to do a hard thing.” Now that’s a fabulous mantra for anyone, but especially for those of us struggling with depression and/or anxiety. You can find her through her book, her website where you can find treatment options for many types of anxiety, and her podcast Your Anxiety Toolkit! But she also is founder of the CBTschool.com, an online psycho-education platform that provides online courses for those with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors. Vital Links:  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!  Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today, I'll be answering three listener questions about how to make successful transitions with their moms or mothers-in-law. And I chose them because they're very much reflective of common problems you might have yourself. Psychiatry blamed mothers years ago for everything from autism to schizophrenia and that was all plain wrong. Even Freud’s granddaughter, Sophie Freud, also a professor and psychiatric social worker, has said that her grandfather didn’t understand a woman’s sexuality at all.  So, we’re not throwing moms under the bus. I’m a mom and know I’ve not been a perfect one. But I have no desire to be thrown under any vehicle, bus or no bus - while dads have their own dynamic, which can often be destructive. But these three listener questions did pertain to moms – so we’ll focus on potential problems that can arise as you become an adult yourself and make normal transitions. Vital Links:  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! SelfWork post on enmeshment Post on Borderline Moms You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Generally, when someone is called “a bundle of nerves,” they’re not describing a state of being that’s pleasant or desired. Those nerves could range from the fairly common experience of self-consciousness, where you have a heightened sense of yourself, to actual social anxiety, when the fear of being perceived negatively or being scrutinized by others can lead you to avoid interaction all together or have complete dread of a party or a meeting, going to church or to a family gathering. Of course, anxiety can have a very real source, such as if you fear scrutiny or even emotional abuse from a parent or a coach or a spouse.  But in social anxiety, the most innocuous situation can hold dread. Today, we’re going to talk about what you can do about that dread – how you can allow for helpful self-consciousness or maybe a working term for that would be healthy self-awareness – but also cope with real fear of being in social settings altogether. Your social “muscle” – the ability to be with others comfortably and non-self-consciously – can grow stronger. But what the pandemic has taught even the most socially comfortable among us – that muscle can atrophy as well. And if was never strong in the first place? Then the task to exercise it can seem very daunting. So, how can you learn how to stop telling yourself that you must look stupid, or out of step, or weird – and begin instead to become more comfortable in your own skin and work with your anxieties around being with others? That’s SW for today! Here are the five steps toward building your social muscle and leaning into social anxiety!  Shame will tell you you’re a bad or inferior person because your anxiety exists. Challenge that shame and  let go of that belief. Transparency and self-acceptance can help lead you to work with your fears. Be open with others you trust about your anxiety. Whatever makes you anxious offers a clear direction of what you can choose to learn. Naming your anxiety shifts your perception as something that's happening to you, but isn't you. Don't think, "I'm anxious." Think instead, "I'm aware that anxiety is happening to me" or, if you've named your anxiety, "I can feel (name) arriving on the scene." Practice this over and over until it becomes your new way of experiencing and working with anxiety.  The listener voicemail is from a woman who sent me a message that ended abruptly with the words, “Women like you…”  I’ll share that with you – what I did in response – and what concerns me the most about her message to me. It may not be what you think by the way… a little healthy criticism is a good thing. Vital Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!  Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  Tara Wells' article on self-awareness and self-consciousness New York Times article on the pandemic and its impact on social anxiety NPR's interview with the author of Good Anxiety, Wendy Suzuki Recent research on narcissism in Psyche.com You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Psychology Today article on "Estrangement: The Silent Epidemic" New York Times article on Fractured Families Forbes article on parental alienation You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

The term “cancel culture” came to be around 2016 and according to the dictionary, it’s the practice or tendency of engaging in mass canceling as a way of expressing disapproval and exerting social pressure. Yet, in families, estrangement has been around quite a long time. Parents can distance themselves from children. Adult children can stop “coming around” as the term goes. Friendships can end. The root of the word in Latin is extraneare, "treat as a stranger." It can be chosen by you or it can be chosen for you, meaning that someone can estrange themselves from you. It can be a painful part of any relationship where there has formerly been affection or trust or mutual respect. How is it connected to a dynamic called parental alienation? And of course, how do the stereotypes of “family” and “the holidays” make the pain of estrangement even worse? We'll talk about these questions and I'll be looking into the work of Dr. Karl Pillemer to give us great direction. He's the author of the recent book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. The listener email today is from a mom who’s been a listener to SW for quite some time – but a tragedy has occurred in her family, and she’s asking for some advice. There’s a trigger warning here – her daughter has been sexually abused – so please listen with care. Vital Links!  Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Psychology Today article on "Estrangement: The Silent Epidemic" New York Times article on Fractured Families Forbes article on parental alienation You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

We’re going to talk about labels today  - and how the mental health world, its science, its leaders, and its language might be influencing us to over-pathologize what’s normal. Meaning that you can come to believe something is sick or wrong or abnormal when actually it IS normal when it’s understood in its own context. But another fact may be even more disconcerting. You can base your decisions about what you “call” something by the knowledge or experience or reasoning you have at hand. And that language might be misleading or limited Our listener voicemail is different today and I was eager to see what I could find to answer her question. She asks if something like a name change after trauma could help with building a sense of confidence? I think that’s a great question – especially fit for SW because it’s all about what you have control over and regaining a sense of empowerment. Vital Links:  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!  Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! The parable of the blind men and the elephant HuffPost article on pathologizing children's behavior A conversation wit Dr. Allen Frances .  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Samantha Skelly is such a vibrant and fascinating guest! She wrote her book several years ago - Hungry for Happiness: Stop Emotional Eating and Start Loving Yourself. And this is what she says about it: This book is how I turned my mess into my message. The journey of struggling with emotional eating, exercise addition & severe body image issues - within these pages contains the most effective & impactful tools to heal emotional eating for good. You can tell from her words that she's got a great sense of humor and adventure! And now, she's helping people all over the world with breath. That's right - she's teaching people how to breathe - the right way. And here's her own editorial take on that! "If you’re reading this thinking ‘what kind of hippy sh*t is this?’ - you’re not alone, before I tried it, I too thought it was all hype.Then I had an experience that healed me in ways I never knew possible. And that’s my wish for you." I know you'll enjoy her as you come breathe along with us! She has a new app to help you as well, called "Pause Breathwork". Thanks to BetterHelp for once again sponsoring this episode of SelfWork! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! You can order my book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I began this episode thinking I’d talk about ten things I’d learned from being a therapist. But I realized that almost every one of them could be their own podcast episode. Today we’ll focus on the first – not in importance, but the first that came to mind – perhaps connected with the zeitgeist of our time. The need to be right or living being certain that you are. We’ll discuss these questions: Is having the need to be right a bad or a good thing, helpful or hurtful? Is it connected with a mental or emotional condition such as depression or anxiety? How can that belief affect your relationships with others? I’ve done my research and we’ll look at it from various angles – and then, per usual, I’ll add in my two cents. Five Major Takeaways! Being right and needing to be right are two completely different things. You can be right but also be humble. Being wrong is a means of learning. Coming to a conclusion that proves to be wrong or misguided is a means through which you figure out things that will be helpful to you. “I was wrong about that.” Your perspective is unique and thus has value. But it’s also limiting – meaning there are other perspectives that are valuable as well.. A change of perspective creates growth; When you think about some of the most meaningful movies or books you’ve ever seen or read, it probably involves watching someone’s perspective change. The Star Wars series is an embodiment of this – when we watch someone cross from the “dark” side into the “light.” Or vice versa. The battle of what’s their truth – what’s their belief – and how perspectives can change for good and bad. Living with uncertainty is a skill. The voicemail message for today is from a listener who’s been on disability for years and is struggling with self-worth and finding a sense of purpose, especially because her son is graduating, she’s getting a divorce so she’s facing being alone. That’s a lot to have on your plate. What would you say to her? We'll also hear from two of SelfWork's awesome sponsors: AG1 and MagBreakthrough! Vital Links:  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!  And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough with a free product giveaway and 10% off your order! You can hear more about boundaries and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! The Forbes article on being right or being effective. Cleveland Clinic article describing the traits of sociopathy Take a look at this ambiguous images!  SelfWork episode: Depression Is Not Simply A Chemical Imbalance: Part 2    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Radical acceptance is a termed that describes a way of being - acknowledging the reality of what is happening rather than fighting it emotionally and thus, causing yourself, and perhaps even others, more suffering. I very much like a Carl Rogers quote that Tara Brach, author of the 2003 best-seller, Radical Acceptance, used in her book; “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Radical acceptance takes that idea even further – that accepting what happens in your life also brings a much greater ability to cope rationally with it. The listener email is from a therapist who’s dating someone who sounds severely depressed. And she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll see if I can come up with a couple of ideas for her – and all you “helpers” (and I’m one of them) can get helped yourself. Important Links: Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Blog post about empty nest called Separate Houses Article by Margarita Tartaskovsky in Psych Central. Excerpt from Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

My dad used to say to us as kids, “Your rights end where someone else’s nose begins.” And that’s where I began learning about boundaries. Psychological boundaries are those that define where your own personal limits are as to what is emotionally harmful, and what is not. And that is unique to every individual. We'll ask these questions: What makes a boundary necessary to voice? Are there “understood” boundaries? When does a boundary have a positive effect and when is it not? How is a boundary different from a demand? Or is it? What is your recourse if a boundary you’ve set and explained is continuously ignored or blatantly defied? The listener email has a great question about how a history of an ex with a pornography problem and the underlying deceit can have an effect on future trust and self-confidence. She’s asking for help – what can she do? Vital Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!  And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough with a free product giveaway and 10% off your order! You can hear more about boundaries and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands