The Great Man Within

#61: There are 3 types of people in your life, and only 1 of them pushes you to be better. You’ve heard the adage: You are the average of the 5 people you spend most time with. Let’s do a riff on that. Think of the people you spend the most time with in these contexts: Work Family Socially Which Version of You Do the People in Your Life Relate to? The “Then” Version of You: These are the people who cling to an antiquated version of you. They themselves are likely stuck in the past and don’t want to acknowledge who you’ve become. Your progress is threatening to them because they fear you leaving them behind. The “Now” Version of You: These are the people who see you as you are today – your current job, skill sets, marital status, financial status, physical appearance, etc. They are supportive of this version of you. They may even encourage your progress, as long as it’s not too big, bold or dramatic. Too much change too quickly scares them, for fear of losing the version of you they wish to cling to. In my experience, up to 95% of the people in your life can fall into this category. The “Highest” Version of You: That rare breed of person who sees past your present-day greatness and limitations and only speaks to the most elevated version of who you are, and who you can become. What Type of People Do You Surround Yourself With Most? I reckon our biggest impediment to progress is the percentage of #2’s we carry around (so true on so many levels…). While the #2’s are well-intentioned, and their support feels comforting…when they become the predominant influence in your life, they can anchor you to your present state. The size and speed of your progress is hindered. Therefore, your growth is directly correlated to the percentage of people in your life that speak to the Highest Self version of you. These are the people who stand tall for you even when you’re unwilling to do so for yourself. They are the ones who call you on your BS. They are the ones who push you beyond what you believe is possible. It’s because they see YOU. Not who you were, not who you are now, but YOU. I Challenge You…. Challenge #1: I challenge you to listen to this short (under 20 minutes) podcast today on The 3 Types of People in Your Life. Challenge #2: I challenge you to make contact with a #3 person today, and tell them how much you appreciate how they call you forward in life. Challenge #3: I challenge you to find and forge a relationship with a new #3. Your Highest Self Awaits. -DQ

#60: Every Great Man constantly refines his skills as a leader. You know what its like to be responsible for leading others who just don’t seem to have the same sense of urgency as you, the same drive or ability to execute and it can be frustrating… So you pick up the slack by taking more and more on your shoulders, but eventually you bump up against a ceiling. You exhaust yourself. You lose balance in your life. You’re investing exponentially more effort for only incrementally better results. I’ve been there before, it sucks, and the math simply doesn’t work. This is where refining and stepping into a new level of Leadership is required. What if I told you it’s absolutely possible to inspire new levels of urgency, commitment and execution in the people you lead… …by understanding and implementing two very simple leadership principles that we’re going to dive deep into on the podcast today. One of these leadership principles will unlock the psychological factors that cause your teams to double down on their engagement and discretionary effort. The other leadership principle highlights the #1 reason why people will resist your leadership efforts, and how to overcome it. These principles are excerpts from the second book I’m writing, which is called: On Purpose Leadership: A Man’s Guide to Finding Meaning Through Leading Himself and Others. What I want you to do as you listen to this episode is write down these two principles, post them in a visible place and read them to yourself before every meeting you have with the people you lead. If you do this, I promise that over time, you will spark a new fire within them and in return you will receive a heightened level of trust that have in your leadership.

#59: John O’Connor is an exceptional coach. Over the past decade he’s logged over 10,000 hours of 1-on-1 coaching with high performing business leaders and entrepreneurs. John was my coach from 2014-2017, helping me navigate my transition from a 15-year career in financial services to this world of entrepreneurship. He is responsible for my introduction to men’s work. He is Bryan’s current coach, and they’ve been working together over the last year. John has a specialty in men’s work: He’s been deeply involved in supporting The ManKind Project He helped facilitate the very first Everyman retreat and is currently a part of their advisory board In his former life, John was a massage therapist, logging 16,000 hours of bodywork with clients, becoming expert in moving the stress, pain and trauma we store in our bodies. Today’s episode is a bit of an experiment: We had zero agenda or plans for this episode. We hit the record button and allowed the energy to flow. This is a conversation on all things man stuff. Sit back, and enjoy the ride.   John’s Website: https://www.johnoconnor.com

#58: You’ve heard me quote, praise and share my learnings from my past year’s worth of work with John Wineland. It was high-time to bring him on the show. I became a student of John’s in 2019 with two intentions: Becoming a more trustworthy masculine leader Deepening and expanding my ability for intimacy with a feminine partner These are the two themes we dive deep on in this episode. Who is John Wineland? John is a pioneering teacher in the arena of sexual intimacy, relational communication and connecting to life purpose. His programs include: The Art of Loving Fiercely and The Embodied Men’s Leadership Training program John has been a student of David Deida (The Way of the Superior Man) since 2008 He’s most well-known for his groundbreaking work with men, and has a mission of helping men establish 10,000 men’s groups worldwide. John's clients include maverick entrepreneurs, Ted speakers and well known Hollywood artists. In This Episode Why men need two things – desperation and willingness – before they are ready to make serious change in their lives Why men desperately seek freedom from burden The biggest problems John sees in men’s leadership today Defining what “healthy masculine leadership” looks like Practices for men to refine the depth and breadth of consciousness How to find sexual energy and intimacy beyond a woman’s physical appearance John’s intentional process for deeply and courageously grieving the loss of his 21 year old daughter to Cystic Fibrosis John’s Resources: John’s Website: https://www.johnwineland.com David Deida and John Wineland April 2020 event: https://www.johnwineland.com/3-day-workshop-with-david-deida-2020 John on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/john_wineland/?hl=en John’s YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTif0aTpBjQ27lRC5q6vJLw

#57: When it comes to the menstrual cycle, many men have been taught: It’s “her thing to deal with” It’s an inconvenience/barrier to having sex It’s gross PMS = a trip to crazytown For the men who want to continue to believe this narrative, you can stop reading right here. This episode is for the man who identifies himself as one who: Celebrates the menstrual cycle as one of the core experiences of being a woman Wants to better understand the “4 seasons of the cycle” so he can build intimacy with his partner Wants to know what she needs from him during those 4 seasons How to express his needs during the different seasons Our Guides for this Discussion Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer founded The Red School, which is a new approach to women’s leadership, creativity and spiritual life based on a uniquely feminine way – the menstrual cycle. They’ve written the book Wild Power: discover the magic of your menstrual cycle and awaken the feminine path to power. (published by Hay House) In this Episode: A breakdown of the 4 seasons of the 28-day menstrual cycle What your feminine partner may be feeling during those stages What she may need from you during those stages And when and how to ask for what you want “During the first 6-7 days of my cycle, I want my man to fight for me to have the space I need to go inward.” – Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer “It’s dangerous to be needy around a woman who is in her autumn (PMS) phase.” – Alexandra Pope   Resources: The website: TheRedSchool.net The Book: Wild Power on Amazon The Article: The 4 Seasons of the Menstrual Cycle

#56: Have you ever felt frustrated by investing 8-10 hours in reading a book, only to feel its lessons slipping away as each day goes by? Unless you’re Rain Man, I’m pretty sure you can relate. Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of books that you “need to read?” I personally have a queue of over 30 books that I’ve already purchased and awaiting my attention. I am not joking. Today’s episode is all about simplifying your unique process for selecting books which books you invest your time in reading…and a few practical techniques to ensure you retain more of the information you absorb. Here to help us do that is Juvoni Beckford. Juvoni is a software engineer at Google, and a disciple of the systems and habit based approach to living an optimal lifestyle. I spent 3 hours in a van with Juvoni on our way to a men’s retreat a few months back… …and when he started talking about his elaborate, and ingenious, process for selecting, reading and retaining 60 books a year…I knew I needed to bring him to you guys. In this Episode: Why you need an intentional process for determining which books you say yes to (a 6-10 hour investment of your time) Why you need what Juvoni calls a “book purgatory” – where potential books go to “meet their judgment day.” Why 1 and 5 star reviews are just noise…and the well-written 3-star reviews hold the biggest clues as to whether you should read the book Why you should know who the author’s “masters and students” are before reading the book How you should look at book authors as access to mentors Why these two factors are critical to your ability to retain information: 1) Medium: Hard copy, Kindle or Audiobook 2) Context: On the train, in bed, listening at the gym etc RESOURCES Juvoni’s 6 Books on Life Children of Time by Adrian Tchiaskovsky (listen on Audible) The One Thing by Gary Keller (read in print) Denial of Death by Ernest Becker (read in print) Algorithms to Live By by Brian Christian (read on Kindle or eBook) Thinking in Systems by Donella Meadows (read in print) Finite and Infinite Games by James Carse (read on Kindle or eBook) Juvoni’s book reviews: https://Juvoni.com/books Juvoni on Goodreads: Juvoni’s Book List on Goodreads Juvoni’s Blog: https://juvoni.com Juvoni on Twitter: https://twitter.com/juvoni    

#55: The #1 Author I Read this Year…drumroll please… Napoleon Hill. Surprise Surprise. I re-read 2 of his books, Outwitting the Devil and Think and Grow Rich. And I listened to another for the first time on audiobook, How to Use Your Own Mind. But the book I’m going to recommend is: Napoleon Hill in His Own Voice. I was turned onto this one by friend Cara…and it quickly became an obsession. This is a 10 hour series of audio recordings from his live workshops when Hill was still alive. There was a two month period where I would put my Bose Noise Cancelling headphones on and listen to these recordings for 15-20 minutes first thing every morning…and last thing every night. No joke, I listened to these recordings 3 times through over that period…and rewired my brain. Listen to this Book if: You want to reconfigure your DNA around what you believe is possible. …You can listen on Spotify for Free.   The Most Impactful Book I Read this Year: White Fragility, Why it’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin D’Angelo. This book is perspective rattling and unapologetically confronting in the best of ways. Read this Book: If you want a wake-up call. The big idea of this book, is that the idea of racism is so uncomfortable for white people – as it’s viewed as the ultimate character assassination – that we refuse to look at how we are benefitting from and ensuring the survival of the various systems, behaviors and covert language that perpetuate racism. The impact on me, was that I was inspired to take a good hard look at where I’d been dismissive, defensive and ignorant in my own life. It led me to pursuing and devouring some really powerful African American authors like Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Ta-Nehisi Coates and Colson Whitehead.     The #1 Genre I read this Year: Men’s Work. I read 6 books this year in the category of men’s work, and I’ll link all of them in the shownotes…but there’s two I want to recommend: #1 is Modern Manhood by Cleo Stiller. If you listen to this show, you know Bryan and I are big fans of Cleo and this important book, and you can go back and listen to our two part interview episode with her titled…Modern Manhood. Read this book if: You need help grappling with the complicated world of striving to be a good man in today’s era. #2 is King Warrior Magician Lover by Robert Moore. This is widely considered to be one of the most important contemporary books on masculinity. Read this Book if: You want to create your own definition of what it means to be a powerful, loving and trustworthy man. This book has heavily influenced our work here on this show. You’ve heard Bryan and I talk about how The Great Man Within creates environments where he and others can thrive. Well, that comes directly from the King Archetype. Favorite Fiction: The Border by Don Winslow This is the 3rd installment in a trilogy that Winslow writes about the brutal Drug War – that we are losing spectacularly – with Mexico. Read this book if you want a novel that you absolutely cannot out down. The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead. This is a Pulitzer Prize winning novel about a runaway slave who Read this Book if you want a beautifully written and heartbreakingly educational perspective on the America some of us work so hard not to talk about. Favorite Non-Fiction: Mindhunter by John Douglas This is the story of how the FBI created a state of the art personality profiling system to help catch the most notorious serial killers of our time. You’ll hear all about Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, the Unabomber. Read this book if you want a terrifying lens into the minds of the most brutal serial killers of all time, and how the events of their early lives caused them to careen into a tragic life of destruction. They’ve fictionalized this book and turned it into a Netflix series, also called Mindhunter, which is directed by the same man who did Fight Club. The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine. Read this Book fellas, if you want to understand your wives, daughters, mothers, friends, boss, employees…any woman you care about. Just trust me. Favorite Leadership Book Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Laif Babson This book was probably recommended to me a dozen times over the past year and I finally relented and decided to listen. Jocko and Laif are Navy Seals who take their battlefield stories and apply them to the business landscape. The big idea is great leaders take ownership of 100% of whatever happens inside his or her unit. No excuses. Listen to this book if: You want a stick of dynamite up your ass. Jocko and Laif narrate the book themselves. Favorite Autobiography The Heart of a Woman by Maya Angelou This is a coming of age story about Angelou’s turbulent life as a single mother, singer and political activist that leads her into the worlds of Martin Luther King Jr, Malcom X, Billie Halliday and performing at the famed Apollo Theater in Harlem. Read this book if you want to be whisked away in the stories of a woman who hands down lived one of the most captivating lives of all time.

#54: Nicolas Gregoriades is one hell of an impressive man. He holds the distinction as the first person to earn black belt in Jiu Jitsu under his mentor Roger Gracie the 10x world champion and widely considered to be The Greatest of All Time. He is the former co-host of the London Real show, which has over 1.2 million subscribers on YouTube and has interviews with many of the world’s greatest experts like: Simon Sinek Tim Ferriss Aubrey Marcus Robert Kiyosaki of Rich Dad Poor Dad Mantak Chia of The Multi Orgasmic Man Nic is now a coach to men who have followed all of rules and done everything they were told to do by their parents, teachers and society, only to find themselves bored and frustrated with the lives they have created. In this episode, we unpack how Nic has organized his life into one big black belt practice in excellence. In this Episode How to Get Mentorship from the Best of the Best: Nic’s process for how he’s secured mentorship from and connection with the best like Roger Gracie, Tim Ferriss and Aubrey Marcus. Curating the Power of Intentional Inputs: How most men are not aware of how many negative inputs – especially before bed – that are unconsciously creating a profound impact on mood, motivation and worldview. Shining a Light on Your Early Sexual Experiences: How his sexual abuse at an early age caused a private sense of shame for many years and drove many of his sexual impulses…before employing a unique process that helped him heal that trauma. Why You Need to Create (Not Find) Your Purpose: How most men’s biggest fear is not living up to their potential…and he is emphatic that your purpose is not something you find…it must be something you create for yourself.

#53: Haven’t made set any goals or intentions for 2020 yet? We’ve got you covered. This episode is your step-by-step guide to: How to do a 15 minute inventory of standout moments from 2019 Set an inspiring vision for 2020 Build a plan of execution for the best year of your life (thus far) In this Episode: 2 simple tricks to capture all of your standout moments from 2019 The difference between goals and intentions How to choose “the one word” that guides your 2020 A guided meditation to envision the best year of your life You can download the 20-minute guided meditation for free at: www.DoInnerWork.com/resources

#52: Whether you know it or not, you were raised to live in a “Man Box.” “The Man Box” is a term developed in the 1980’s by a group of men called the Oakland Men’s Project in order to define the series of qualities men are instructed to embody in order to “be a man”: Do not cry or openly express emotions Do not express weakness or fear Demonstrate power and control Do not be like a woman Do not be like a gay man (be heterosexual) Make decisions on your own (do not ask for help) Be a protector Be aggressive and dominant View women as property/objects The 5 “Man Box” Rules of Masculinity The contents of the Man Box can be broken down into 5 categories: Success: You must win, beat others, be right, don’t ask for help. Emotions: Emotions are a liability. Belonging: Unless you are extraordinary, you must “fit in” to be accepted. Sexuality: You must be heterosexual, sexually accomplished, and never experience performance issues. Women: You must protect, be in control of and dominant over women. So long as you follow these rules, you will experience a sense of belonging and be looked to as “a man.” These archaic rules are not only toxic to society, they’ve trapped you into a way of living that isn’t your own… …instead, you’ve drifted into this cage unwittingly. You need to break these 5 rules of “Man Box Masculinity” and re-define your own rules. The Impact of Living in The Man Box Here are a few ways of knowing you’ve been socialized into The Man Box: You’re feeling uninspired by the life you’ve created You regularly find yourself emotionally exhausted having to act/behave a certain way You feel restless and trapped by your life You find yourself unable to confide fully in others You have secretive parts of your life that you’d be afraid for other to know or see You are unable to communicate 100% of your desires to your romantic partner, friends or business colleagues In this episode: Defining “The Man Box” and its “rules of masculinity” Exposing where you’ve defaulted into The Man Box How to break the 5 rules of Man Box masculinity 3 questions to ask yourself about each of these 5 rules A free PDF download to help you re-define your own rules: https://www.doinnerwork.com/5practices