Love, Happiness and Success with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Because You Don't Just Want to Get Married. You Want an Amazing Marriage. As I've written about (passionately!) in previous posts, there are specific things that smart couples do -- right from the start of their relationship -- to set themselves up for a happy, healthy, successful marriages. Step one? Relationship education. Regrettably, no one explicitly teaches you how to have good relationships. We all muddle through, learning from our mistakes, and breaking some things in the process. But your marriage is much to important to wander blindly through. The quality of your marriage is the center of the life you'll build. Don't take chances. Do it right. Believe it or not, there is actually an instruction manual! What we know from research is that couples who engage in high-quality marriage education programs either before they get married or in the first few years of marriage have much better outcomes than couples who don't: Lower divorce rates, higher marital satisfaction, and a stronger partnership. You can achieve this too, by investing in your relationship, and educating yourself. Why does this help? Because proactive couples on a positive trajectory who learn ahead of time how to handle inevitable issues, how to communicate, and how to keep their love alive prevent relationship problems from happening in the first place. Our Wedding Present to You If you are getting married this year (or even if you jumped the broom a few years ago) I am here today, to support YOU in creating an amazing, strong, enduring marriage by providing you with loads of free information. I want you to have everything you need to be happy and successful in your relationship for years to come! Specifically, today, I have two "marriage education" presents for you. Free Premarital Counseling Advice The first: I have enlisted the support of one of our resident premarital counseling experts, Meagan Terry, M.A., LMFT. Meagan is a licensed marriage and family therapist, an emotional intelligence and communication coach, trained by the federal reserve to do financial counseling with couples, AND she teaches our Lifetime of Love Premarital and Relationship Class. On this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast Meagan will be SPILLING THE BEANS about the kinds of skills and strategies couples need to learn to create a lifetime of love together. Listen to our interview and learn the kinds of things you and your sweetie can start doing now to ensure that your relationship stays strong. You'll also get some insight in to the skills and strategies she teaches her premarital couples to help them get on the same page around finances, sexuality, priorities, and more. Ask a Wedding Expert The second wedding present I have for you: We are co-hosting a super-fun happy hour event at our Denver office on Wednesday May the 10th called "Ask The Wedding Experts." If you are planning a wedding, this is your big chance to mix and mingle in a casual setting with wedding professionals (like master wedding planner Laura Peterson of L Elizabeth Events) who are ready to share their wisdom around things like: How to pull off amazing wedding without breaking the bank, and stretch your wedding-budget dollars. "DIY dazzler or disaster?" - The projects that are worth (or not) the effort. Wedding day Do's & Don'ts to keep your special day running smoothly. Styling tips to help your day (and your photos) to reflect what is most authentic an beautiful about your love. And of course, Growing Self premarital counselors will be on hand to help with tricky family situations, communication tips, boundary setting, and more. This event is FREE. If you'd like to attend in person, register now so we know to save some champagne for you. And, because so many of our online premarital counseling clients are outside of Denver, you can still get the scoop. Email me with your questions, OR leave your questions as comments in this post. I will ask our panel of wedding experts your questions on your behalf, and I will post their answers for you in an upcoming blog post. Get your questions to me by 5/9, and then stay tuned for the answers! xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby    

Breakup Advice For The Most Common Breakup Questions The only thing worse than going through a breakup or a divorce, in my opinion, is the mental and emotional fallout that comes after. Most people dealing with a split are consumed by unanswerable questions, replaying events in their minds, and trying to make sense of what happened. They also often worry about how they'll ever get over it... and when they'll stop feeling so terrible. Since I do so much work around breakup recovery I often have people get in touch with me with questions, and for help in dealing with a bad breakup. But I recently had a listener of my Love, Happiness and Success Podcast get in touch with me in the most unique way. She had read my book, "Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love" but had some additional questions about how to get over some of the most common (and frankly, hardest) aspects of breakup recovery. But instead of just emailing she recorded her questions into the sweetest video, and shared it with me. As I watched her ask her heartfelt questions it I thought of all the other people who were probably going through the exact same things. I got back in touch with her to see if it was okay to use her recording in an upcoming episode of the podcast so that my listeners (and YOU) could also benefit from hearing the answers. She was kind enough to let me share them, and today's podcast is the result. So if you're also going through a breakup and also wondering... How do I let go of the guilt and regrets I have about this relationship? How do I repair my self esteem after being rejected? How do I deal with seeing my Ex's friends out? How do I cope with being "blindsided" by a break up? Will I ever feel hopeful and excited about finding a new love? ... you'll definitely want to tune into this episode of the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast. I hope our conversation helps you find your way towards growth and recovery too. xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

What's the only thing better than free dating advice?? Evidence-Based Free Dating Advice Valentine's Day is once again upon us. If you're single and ready to meet your soul mate, I have a special present for you on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast: Some fantastic evidence-based dating advice from relationship researcher, and Match.com scientific advisor Dr. Justin Garcia. Dr. Garcia, along with evolutionary biologist Dr. Helen Fisher, have just released their latest batch of research from their ongoing "Singles in America" research study. They have some fascinating new data about what singles are really looking for, what's most important to them, and what some of their biggest turn-off's are. His dating advice can help you seriously "up your game" when it comes to dating. No doubt modern dating can be challenging, but as with all things knowledge is power. If you educate yourself about the realities of the dating game, learn how to play up your most attractive qualities, and are mindful of the common dating mistakes that can turn people off you've already got a huge advantage. Random dating research tidbits that can make or break a first date: Did you know that 66% of all singles surveyed reported that having their date send a text while they were together was a major turn off? That number gets bumped up to 75% if you answer a call while you're out! And you won't even believe what your dates really think about your cracked phone screen... Listen to my interview with Dr. Garcia to learn: What do men really think about women who are go-getters? What are modern singles really looking for in a partner? What people really think about first-date s-e-x? And so much more... You'll get great love advice and learn the easy things you can do (or even more importantly -- avoid doing!) to increase the odds that next Valentine's Day you'll be snuggling with your sweetie. If you'd like even more specific advice to help you master the art of modern dating, get instant access to our new "Find The One" online dating coaching program.  xoxo, LMB www.growingself.com

Free advice from a Life Coach: Did you know that making New Year's resolutions can actually get in the way of your making real and lasting change in your life? Today on the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast I'm putting on my Life Coach hat: I'm going to teach you a totally different way of thinking about "success" that will help you clarify your values, focus your energy on what's really important, and help you make massive progress towards the things you want most in life. Sounds bold, I know, but this is a system I use all the time with great results -- both with my clients, and myself. Today I'm going to be teaching it to you, too. (Psst. Have you subscribed to the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast yet? Subscribe to get the latest episodes in your feed, and while you're there leave a review!) New Year's Resolutions Don't Work I felt compelled to share this to you because I know that you -- like all of us -- probably have high hopes for the coming year. And there's nothing worse than making big plans for change... only to feel like a "failure" before February even rears it's heart-spangled self. What we know from research (click here to review the Stanford study on New Year's resolutions) is that only 8% of Americans achieve their New Years resolutions. Pretty grim. That's 92% of people feeling like they missed the mark. So What Will Actually Help You Achieve Your Goals? In order to understand what will work, we have to first understand what traditional New Years resolutions are lacking, and why they fizzle fast. It's because even the most heartfelt resolutions are often disconnected from the things that will get you real results: Your values, your time, and your energy. It's one thing to set a goal. Goals are great, and give us a direction to move towards. But making things happen in your life is altogether different than "achieving goals." To hike up the tallest mountain, you have to stay on the path. The right path. If your only focus is the mountain peak, it's pretty easy to wander off into the bushes that are right in front of you. Here's A Simple System That Will Move You Forward, Meaningfully. This podcast is a New Year's gift to you. I'll be teaching you the system I use, and that I use with many of my clients to help them refocus, recenter, and kindle a motivational fire under them. It will help you not just start the New Year off on the right foot, but help you get on the right path for the long haul. And - FYI - If you happen to be reading this AFTER the New Year, that is great too. This approach is a life-skill that you can use any time of the year to get re-focused, re-centered, and re-energized. Walk through the activities any time you're feeling like you need to get back on track. Because I'm all about making things easy and effective I even made you a worksheet so that you can work along with me during the podcast, and do the activities I'll be walking you through. Get it through this link: www.growingself.com/start-strong. Learn more about any of the other tools, free information, online classes and programs I referenced on my website: www.growingself.com. All the best,  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

It's not "The Most Wonderful Time of The Year" when your heart is broken. Even if the holiday season usually delights you, it's hard to be cheerful when you're consumed by painful memories of holidays past. The first year post-breakup, or post-divorce, can be especially traumatic. Everything reminds you of your Ex, and the fact that you are not together anymore. Thinking about the ice skating rink that you held hands at last year, how you're going to explain this to your anxious Grandma, or even the sight of sparkling lights is enough to throw you into a heavy state of sadness. The holiday season can also feel particularly lonely if you're nursing a broken heart. Emotional pain feels isolating and difficult to share when it seems like everyone else is happy and having a good time. And of course the last thing you want to do is go to a party when 1) you need to fake cheerful "okay-ness" and / or 2) you're worried about running into your Ex or their friends. That's not even taking into consideration how challenging it is for the newly single to to negotiate high impact social situations without their usual "plus 1." In short: this time of year makes a hard situation feel even harder.  If you're like most people in this position you probably have lots of questions: "How should I handle myself in certain situations?" "Should I even try to go to parties this year, or should I lay low?" "How do I take care of myself?" and "Will this loneliness and pain ever end?" Truthfully, the answers to those questions are not always easy or simple. The answers really depend on where you are in the breakup recovery process. On this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm going to walk you through the stages of healing after a breakup, and show you how to actually use the opportunity of this challenging time of year to move your "heartbreak healing process" forward more quickly. Not only will your "what to do" questions be answered, but you'll also get a good roadmap for the recovery process ahead. I hope that this information will help you invest in yourself, and make the coming year a fresh, positive new chapter of your life. All the best to you, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

How to Cope With Disappointment Having your dream crushed can leave you sitting in emotional rubble, feeling disempowered and confused. Our disappointments have many faces: Causes, or candidates, you believe in get creamed. The most interesting first date you've had in a long time ghosts out. You realize that your partner is never actually going to change. The pink lines of the pregnancy test fade away, and the bleeding begins. Bad things happen to good people. People fail you. If you get in the ring of life, sooner or later, you're going to take a gut punch. So how do you keep going? We know that grit — the ability to get back up and continue plodding forward despite adversity —  is the ultimate key to success. But It’s hard to maintain your hope and motivation when reality slams the door in your face. If you've suffered with disappointment lately, here are three ideas that can help, plus the one thing you should definitely avoid doing.  I hope it helps you find peace, strengthen your resolve, and turn your face towards future.  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

Overthinking: The Curse of the Most Creative and Intelligent Really smart, creative, and thoughtful people have many strengths. They can plan things in advance, avoid potential pitfalls, and envision their future reality. Vividly. However one thing I have learned from my years of experience as a therapist and life coach is that all these positive attributes, when left unsupervised, can also create boatloads of anxiety. Overthinking and Indecision = Disempowerment When you anticipate possible problems you feel constricted. When you plan every step you often encounter roadblocks. When you want to make the "right" decision before taking action, you invest more time and energy in to thinking than into doing. At these times it's easy to become riddled with uncertainty, and decide before you even try that things aren't even worth doing. Slam! Analysis paralysis has clamped down on your life, and stopped you from living courageously. The result? A safe life... But a smaller life. Authentic Happiness Requires Risk One of the core skills of authentically happy people that I discuss at length in my online Happiness Class is the ability to take measured risks. Why is the ability to try new things related to happiness? Because when you take action to bring your life into alignment with your core values, it gets better. Another component of fearless living is being able to handle uncertainty or adversity with confidence and competence. That means your happiness is still intact, even when things go differently than you'd hoped. That's true resilience. Being resilient and trusting yourself means that it's safe to take chances. When you're able to fearlessly try new things, your world expands. When you give yourself permission to take action, you get to learn and grow no matter what. Not knowing exactly what is going to happen next adds sparkle and excitement to your life. When your life gets bigger and more interesting, so do you. Fearless Living Nourishes Your Relationship Furthermore, novelty and learning new things are core ingredients to having a fresh, fun long term relationship. When your life atrophies, so does your partnership. If you want to have an interesting relationship, you need to have an interesting life. Plus, there is nothing sexier than a passionate person who is enthusiastic and confident. When you set aside anxieties and allow yourself to live fearlessly, you nourish both yourself and your relationship. 5 Steps to Stop Worrying and Start Living Fearlessly On today's episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, I'm giving you the scoop on how to release worry from your life, feel more confident in your decisions, strengthen your sense of competence and resilience, and cultivate fearlessness in your own life. Listen now, and learn all about the care and feeding of your inner tiger. xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

Just because you don't feel good doesn't mean you are depressed. "Dark emotions" are not just normal and healthy parts of life, they are also essential to personal growth. Feeling unhappy is often the catalyst for making positive changes in your life. There is light and dark in all things. Experiencing grief, sadness, disappointment, hurt, and regret - unpleasant though they may be - are part of being a whole person. Furthermore, listening to those hard feelings and taking guidance from them can help you understand yourself, your core needs, and your values more clearly. Even though they don't feel good in the moment, dark emotions are not just healthy... they are valuable. When you listen to those feelings instead of dismissing them as "bad," you have the chance to heal and grow. What is Depression? Depression is different from the pain of a "growth moment." Depression is not motivating, instructive or valuable. It's an illness. Depression is a mood state that impacts the way you think, feel, and behave. Unlike the dark emotions that are connected to growth opportunities, depression is not productive or constructive. In fact, depression can be a serious illness that needs to be treated and relieved before meaningful personal growth is possible. On today's episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm taking you inside depression, so you can understand what it is -- and what it is not. I'll help you identify the symptoms of depression in yourself or your loved one. Depression Management Strategies We'll also talk about what to do if you think you have depression so that you can create a practical strategy for conquering it. We'll talk about natural remedies for depression, cognitive behavioral therapy, and when medication for depression is the best idea. I'll also discuss what to do if you suspect that your partner or loved one is depressed, and how you can help them recover. Depression exists on a spectrum from mild to serious. One thing I discuss on the podcast is that when depression becomes very serious, it can become life threatening. Here are links to get emergency help if you or your loved one are in real trouble and need help immediately: Colorado Crisis Hotline: 1-844-493-8255 National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 I hope this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast helps you identify what's going on in your life, and whether you're dealing with depression or a "growth opportunity." If you do believe that depression is gaining power in your life, I hope this discussion provides you with both hope (as depression is very treatable) as well as actionable steps you can start taking today. Lisa Marie Bobby

Do you have hundreds of "friends," yet still feel disconnected? As a therapist, people share their deepest feelings and fears with me. What I've been hearing a lot lately is about is how disconnected and alone many of my clients feel, even though they may have contact with dozens upon dozens of people a day. Ironic, right? But there is such a difference between knowing people, and truly being known. Having contacts is not the same as having authentic connection. Many people with dozens of "friends" are still craving actual friendships where they feel known, valued, and understood. I'm a marriage counselor first, so my podcast and blog often does skew on the side of discussing your relationship with your "primary attachment" (that's shrink-speak for "significant other."). However having meaningful friendships and close connections in your life is just as important to your over all happiness and well being as the state of your marriage. In fact, having close friends that you trust and who you can be emotionally intimate with can buffer you from the rest of life's ups and downs. But, creating and maintaining authentic connection and friendship can be challenging. This is especially true as people move out of their twenties, and into their thirties and beyond. For one thing, it's harder to meet people when you're not going out all the time. Secondly, it's challenging to spend time with the friends you have when everyone is stretched so thin between their careers, their families, making time for their spouse, and just keeping their lives in order. It's about the best we can do to comment on each other's posts once in a while. How to Have More Friendship in Your Life To discuss this issue that affects so many people, and get some practical tips on how to cultivate authentic friendship in your life, I have enlisted the support of an expert: one of MY oldest and dearest friends, Amy Rocen. Amy is not a therapist or a life coach, but of all the people I have ever met - personally or professionally - she is truly an authority on making and keeping good friends. She's graciously agreed to discuss her "friendship super power with me" on this edition of the Love, Happiness & Success podcast. We're going to be talking about the things that she and I have done to keep our friendship strong and emotionally intimate for over twenty years. Amy is also going to be sharing her tips for how to connect with new people, as well as her perspective on how to keep a rich and full life of meaningful relationships through the ups and downs of time.

Am I in the "right" relationship? How do I find my soulmate? Are we truly compatible? Many people show up for dating coaching, life coaching or even marriage counseling with a lot of angst around these unanswered questions. People who are dating can wonder if they've found "the one." Premarital couples sometimes worry whether they're compatible enough to get married. And even married or long time partnered people can wonder if their relationship issues are due to their being too different. (Or having "perpetual problems" as marriage and family researcher Dr. John Gottman likes to call it). I'm simply glad that people are asking these kinds of relationship questions. After all, who you choose to marry is going to have a greater impact on the quality of your life and your long term happiness than just about anything else. And it's also true that everyone is a mixed bag, with aspects to them that are both delightful and frustrating as all get out. So how do you determine what is a relationship red flag, or sign that you're fundamentally incompatible? How to you figure out what differences are okay? When do opposites not just attract, but actually strengthen a partnership? When can you have big differences, and yet still be highly compatible soul mates? The answers might surprise you! On today's episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm going to talk through all these questions with you. To do this though, I need to wear three hats. Relationship Compatibility in Marriage First, I'm going to put on my marriage counselor cape hat and talk about the most common culprits that make married couples wonder if they are compatible or not. Listen and learn what (frustrating!) differences might actually be strengths for your relationship, and what differences are harder to overcome. I'll also give you tips for how to build bridges to the center, and appreciate each other for who you are. Want to see an example of this in action? Check out my recent post: "How Jenny and Greg Fixed Their Relationship."  Finding Your Soulmate Next I'm putting on my dating coach  wizard hat to talk about the serious business of finding your soul mate. Dating is all about "auditioning" people and getting to know them over time. I'll share the down low on the biggest mistake I see dating people make, and how it can impair their ability to find a true soul mate. If you are on the dating market, I'll help you understand what's important to look for in a potential partner, and what is NOT as important when you're looking for love. I'm also sharing some practical steps you can take to make sure that you're finding a good match in terms of both character and chemistry. For Premarital Couples Lastly, I'm sharing my advice as a premarital counselor. If you're planning a wedding with some lingering questions on your mind, you'll want to check out the case example I shared about what it looks like when someone is NOT asking the right questions leading up to marriage. The best time to prevent potential pitfalls is before the wedding. It's essential to have serious conversations about your personalities, hopes and dreams, and expectations prior to the "I Do's." Why? First of all, it's enormously helpful to get on the same page and identify potential problems before you're married. But an even bigger reason? Because the one of the most serious red flags for a relationship is not being able to talk through important things respectfully. If you are literally not able to have "Who are we, what do we each want, and how are we going to get on the same page?" conversations together, you might want to slow down. Relationship Compatibility Test One of the resources I talked through on the show is Dr. Helen Fisher's personality test. If you would like to take it for yourself (and / or ask your partner to) you can find it here: http://bit.ly/2cOmEX6. For more information about the ideas behind Dr. Fisher's compatibility quiz and how they impact people in relationships, I highly recommend her book, "Why Him, Why Her." With love,  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com