David Finch’s Wife Wanted To Be ‘Unmarried’... But Not Divorced
Aug 11, 2024
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In this enlightening conversation, David Finch, an Autism and Neurodiversity consultant and author, shares his journey navigating life before and after his Asperger's diagnosis. He discusses unique challenges in childhood friendships and dating, emphasizing the importance of authenticity in relationships. David candidly reflects on his marriage, revealing what he means by being 'unmarried' and the emotional growth he pursued. His insights highlight how neurodiversity shapes personal connections and the quest for understanding in love.
David Finch's unique behaviors during early dating stemmed from a desire for self-awareness, highlighting the importance of acceptance in relationships.
His Asperger's diagnosis ultimately shifted the focus in his marriage from blame to collaboration, revealing the intricacies of neurodiverse relationship dynamics.
Deep dives
David's Quirky Self-Exploration
In his early dating days, David Finch exhibited unique behavior that raised questions in his dynamic with Kristen, such as taking unusual selfies in mundane situations. He explained that this habit stemmed from a desire to understand how he came across to others, despite it being seen as quirky. Their initial laughter about these oddities showcased a bond formed over acceptance of each other’s differences. However, as their relationship progressed, David's traits would become critical in navigating the complexities of their marriage.
Challenges of Marriage and Asperger's
As their marriage developed, David faced significant challenges due to his Asperger's, particularly in communicating and fostering emotional reciprocity. He acknowledged a tendency to mask his true self to maintain appearances, which created barriers to authentic interaction. The stress of living together exposed the limitations of this facade, leading to withdrawal and resentment. This divergence highlighted the need for deeper understanding and connection in their relationship as David struggled with routine rigidity.
The Impact of Loss on Relationships
A pivotal moment in their friendship and eventual love story came after Kristan experienced a profound loss—the death of her fiancé, which shifted the dynamics of their relationship. David's inability to navigate her grief for an extended period created distance between them, and they lost touch emotionally. However, after a year and a half of separation, a casual coffee meeting helped them reconnect and led to a deeper bond. This unexpected reunion catalyzed a blossoming romance, revealing David's capacity for emotional support and connection.
Receiving an Asperger's Diagnosis
David's eventual diagnosis with Asperger's provided clarity and facilitated a deeper understanding of his behaviors and relationship dynamics. The moment he received this label was transformative, as it empowered him to reconcile aspects of his identity that previously felt alien. Both David and Kristen found relief in the realization that challenges in their marriage were not solely attributable to David's personality, but rather a complex interplay of his neurodiversity. This revelation allowed them to shift focus from blame to collaboration in rebuilding their marriage.
David Finch is a lot of things: he’s an Autism and Neurodiversity consultant, the author of The Journal of Best Practices; A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be a Better Husband, an essayist for the New York Times Modern Love column…and he’s also UNmarried.
In this two-part special episode of No Filter, David Finch opens up to Mia Freedman about his life before and after his Asperger’s syndrome diagnosis, his quest to be the best husband and father he could be…and how he ended up UNmarried (and what that even means).
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Mamamia acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the Land we have recorded this podcast on, the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation. We pay our respects to their Elders past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures.