782 Sex and Love, Lust and Infidelity with Wednesday Martin
Apr 10, 2019
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In this engaging discussion, Wednesday Martin, a feminist cultural critic and bestselling author, dives deep into the intricacies of female sexuality and relationship dynamics. She challenges stereotypes around women’s infidelity and emphasizes the need for better sexual education. Martin advocates for understanding women’s desires and the importance of communication in intimate relationships. She explores the spectrum of monogamy, the complexities of love and lust, and encourages a rethinking of traditional views on women's satisfaction and partnership.
Open communication and exploration within the monogamy spectrum leads to better relationship satisfaction.
Recognize that a drop in sexual desire over time is natural and counteract it through open communication, new experiences, and separateness within the relationship.
Alternative relationship paths like consensual non-monogamy provide variety and novelty, but require open communication, self-awareness, and navigation of challenges like jealousy and ego.
Deep dives
Monogamy as a Continuum
Monogamy can be seen as a continuum, rather than a rigid concept. People have different beliefs and preferences when it comes to monogamy, and understanding this can lead to better relationship satisfaction. It is important to have open conversations and explore different options within the monogamy spectrum.
The Challenges of Monogamy
Many people struggle with monogamy, as our evolved sexual desires and preferences may not align with societal ideals. Monogamy may lead to a drop in sexual desire over time, particularly for women. It is crucial to recognize that this is natural and not a personal flaw. Open communication, exploring new experiences or activities, and creating separateness within the relationship can help counteract these challenges.
Alternative Relationship Paths
Some individuals and couples choose alternative relationship paths, such as consensual non-monogamy, swinging, or polyamory. While these paths may not be for everyone, they provide options for those who desire more variety and novelty within their relationships. These alternative paths require open communication, self-awareness, and willingness to navigate challenges like jealousy and ego.
Attachment Styles and Non-Monogamy
Attachment styles play a role in how people navigate non-monogamous relationships. Those with secure attachment styles tend to adapt more easily to non-monogamous dynamics, while those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may face more challenges. Understanding one's attachment style can help determine the suitability of non-monogamy as a relationship choice.
Importance of Communication and Honesty in Relationships
Effective communication and honesty are essential for healthy relationships. Consensually non-monogamous individuals, such as swingers and those practicing polyamory, are known to have excellent communication skills and high levels of sexual satisfaction. Therapist David Lay, despite his initial judgments, discovered that couples engaged in alternative lifestyle practices had commendable communication and long-term relationship satisfaction. Open-mindedness and genuine curiosity in understanding your partner's desires can lead to a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
Redefining Sex and Embracing Sexual Pleasure
The societal definition of sex, particularly in heterosexual relationships, often centers around male satisfaction and ignores the importance of female pleasure. Sexual health for women involves feeling entitled to sexual pleasure and redefining sex beyond mere intercourse. Women are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms, suggesting that a history of promiscuity may have been evolutionary advantageous for women to seek complete sexual satisfaction. Cultivating a selfish nature in bed and prioritizing a balanced approach to sexual pleasure can bring about exciting and fulfilling connections in relationships.
IT'S TIME TO PUT THESE SEX MYTHS TO BED.
Having a healthy sexual relationship is important.
But it’s not something we often talk about.
Women’s satisfaction especially seems to take a back seat.
So how can women get what they need in the bedroom?
As men, we can ask questions.
See what your partner is into.
And understanding the science behind why women like the things they do are helpful, too.
The truth is a lot of what we believe about female sexuality is wrong. We all benefit when women’s sexuality takes the forefront and is better understood.
On today’s episode of The School of Greatness, I talk about female satisfaction with an incredible woman who wrote a book on the subject: Wednesday Martin.
Wednesday Martin is a feminist cultural critic, New York Times Bestselling author, and social researcher. Wednesday has written on topics including gender, parenting and motherhood, popular culture, and female sexuality for The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Daily Beast, and Harper's Bazaar, among others. She was a regular contributor to The Daily Telegraph, the online edition of Psychology Today, and the parenting pages at the New York Post. Wednesday has appeared on the Today Show, Good Morning America, CNN, NPR, NBC News, the BBC Newshour, and Fox News as a step/parenting expert.
Wednesday says that we should avoid “service sex” where you’re only performing to make your partner happy. You need to know that your needs deserve to be met, too, and they can be with a little work from both partners.
So get ready to learn about the science of monogamy and how to keep your relationship exciting on Episode 782.
Some Questions I Ask:
Why do women cheat? (6:00)
Why is non-monogamy looked down upon in the world? (14:00)
What made you interested in this topic in the first place? (24:00)
How can a man increase sexual desire in a woman? (39:00)
How do you handle your research in your personal relationship? (1:05:00)
How important is sex in a relationship? (1:09:00)
In This Episode You Will Learn:
How economics plays into who cheats (10:00)
Why long term relationships are harder for women (27:00)
Tools for bringing back arousal in your long term relationship (37:00)
How your attachment style affects your sexual relationship (1:00:00)
About the “orgasm gap” (1:11:00)
