Why Bribes and Threats Aren't Helpful (and What to Do Instead)
Oct 13, 2020
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A parent's struggle with using bribes and threats to manage behavior highlights the pitfalls of such tactics. It explores how these methods can damage intrinsic motivation and relationships. Instead, the conversation emphasizes the power of setting loving boundaries to create security and trust. By shifting focus to honest communication, parents can foster cooperation and emotional healing. It's a journey of moving away from fear-based approaches towards more respectful and effective parenting strategies.
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Quick takeaways
Using bribes and threats undermines children's intrinsic motivation and can lead to negative consequences in their interests and behaviors.
Establishing clear boundaries is crucial for children's development, providing them with security and promoting a cooperative parent-child relationship.
Deep dives
The Consequences of Bribing Children
Using bribes and threats to motivate children can undermine their intrinsic motivation and lead to negative consequences. Research highlighted the negative impact of a summer reading program that offered rewards, which ultimately reduced children's interest in reading for enjoyment. This shift occurs because children begin to perceive activities they once enjoyed as tasks requiring external incentives. By valuing intrinsic motivation, parents can help children maintain their natural interests without molding them into compliant individuals who only perform tasks for rewards.
Impact on Parent-Child Relationships
Relying on external rewards can detrimentally affect the trust and connection between a parent and child. A transactional relationship, characterized by manipulation to 'get' children to comply, can lead to resistance and defiance. When parents foster a supportive environment by empathizing with their child's developmental needs, they cultivate a cooperative relationship grounded in mutual trust. This shift to collaboration rather than control ultimately promotes positive behavior, allowing children to feel secure and understood.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Establishing boundaries is essential for teaching children about limits and expectations. Parents often face guilt and discomfort when enforcing boundaries but are providing essential guidance for their children. Communicating boundaries with honesty and clarity helps children feel safe and secure in their relationships. By establishing appropriate expectations and routines, parents can create a supportive atmosphere that encourages cooperation and understanding, allowing children to engage more effectively in shared activities.
A parent wants to get out of a cycle of bribing her 3.5-year old and writes to Janet for help. “It seems that in order to get him to do anything, I have to offer a reward, treat, or special outing.” If these strategies don’t work, she says, she will threaten to take something away. This mom admits that she is a people pleaser, so when she does set a boundary, she feels guilty about it. She worries that she’s teaching this to her son. “I don’t want him to feel guilty about his feelings or his boundaries.”
For more advice on common parenting issues, please check out Janet's best-selling books on Audible. Paperbacks and e-books are also available at Amazon, Google Play, Barnes & Noble and Apple Books.
Janet's exclusive audio series "Sessions" is available for download. This is a collection of recorded one-on-one consultations with parents discussing their most immediate and pressing concerns (www.SessionsAudio.com).