ERP 501: From Projection to Presence: The Art of Seeing and Being Seen — An Interview With David Mars

Feeling unseen and misunderstood in your closest relationship can be one of the loneliest experiences, even when surrounded by family and friends. It's not uncommon for couples to fall into patterns of projection, reactivity, and defensiveness, leaving genuine intimacy and deep connection feeling just out of reach. How do we move from these cycles of blame and distance towards the kind of secure, transformative partnership that brings true accompaniment, dignity, and joy?

In this episode, you are invited to slow down and explore new pathways to presence and connection. Through practical tools, guided reflection, and insights rooted in transformative couples therapy, you'll discover ways to move beyond automatic reactivity and habitual defense, and instead cultivate curiosity, somatic awareness, and genuine intimacy. Whether you're looking to strengthen trust, improve communication, or rekindle the spark in a long-term bond, this conversation offers powerful guidance for anyone seeking more clarity, care, and lasting growth in their relationships.

Since 2008 Dr. David Mars has been the developer of Transformative Couples Therapy® (TCT). He leads seminars and training programs internationally on TCT. Affective neuroscience and attachment research are central to this experiential, somatically attuned and positivity-based method. Currently Dr. Mars also is the leader of a three-year project to quantify the results of TCT in preparation to offer published research on outcomes of the method. He is the Director of the Transformative Couples Therapy® Institute.

Episode Highlights

03:39 The impact of curiosity and projections in long-term relationships.

08:32 How attachment styles form early in life and opportunities for change.

10:05 The importance of somatic awareness, attunement, and slowing down in relationships.

15:42 Gender, stress, and the emotional costs of disconnection.

17:48 Strategies for setting boundaries and cultivating safe communication.

23:14 Transformation and growth through the I-Thou relationship.

24:43 Daily practices and the seven channels of experience in couples therapy.

29:49 Awareness of energetic imprints and somatic patterns from early life.

31:15 Navigating and embracing partner differences in relationships.

34:43 The role of journaling, self-regulation, and reverence in relational health.

40:57 Somatic-based modalities, resources, and generativity in relationships.

Your Check List of Actions to Take

• Begin your conversations or sessions with your partner by sharing something you appreciate about each other to set a positive tone.

• Take a deep inhale and exhale together to ground yourselves and invite presence before important discussions.

• Communicate your feelings and needs using "I" statements to promote vulnerability and reduce defensiveness.

• Speak directly to your partner, not just about them or through a third party, to foster genuine connection.

• Notice and share your body sensations (like a tight chest or warm hands) during emotional exchanges to heighten self-awareness and attunement.

• Approach your partner with genuine curiosity and try to witness their experience, rather than making assumptions or projecting your own perspective.

• If either partner feels overwhelmed or unresourced, honor the need to pause and agree on a time to revisit the conversation.

• Tune into the seven channels—sensation, emotion, energy, movement, auditory, visual, and imaginal—to enrich both your self-awareness and your communication with your partner.

Mentioned

Martin Buber (Britannica link) (biography)

I-Thou (*Britannica link)

The I-Thou Relationship and Unconditional Positive Regard (*Psychology Today)

Carl Rogers (*Wikipedia link) (article)

The 1957 Martin Buber-Carl Rogers Dialogue, as Dialogue (*Sage Journals) (study)

Beatrice Beebe (*Wikipedia link) (article)

*John Bowlby (*Wikipedia link) (article)

*John Beebe (*Wikipedia link) (article)

12 Relationship Principles to Strengthen Your Love (free relationship guide) (pdf)

Connect with David Mars

Websites: tctinstitute.org

Facebook: facebook.com/p/Center-for-Transformative-Therapy-100087943999843

Instagram: instagram.com/transformativecouplestherapy/

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/transformative-couples-therapy