Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

ERP 464: How to Understand Your & Your Partners' Conflict Style for Lasting Success - An Interview with Dr. Don Cole

Feb 18, 2025

Ask episode

Chapters

Transcript

Episode notes

Conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship, but how we handle it can make all the difference in the world. Whether you're finding that your disagreements escalate quickly or that issues get swept under the rug and resurface later, understanding your and your partner's conflict style can be a game-changer. How do you transform these clashes into opportunities for growth and deeper connection? The key lies in recognizing the patterns and learning the skills to navigate through them effectively.

In this episode, we dive deep into the dynamics of different conflict styles—volatile, validating, and avoidant—and offer insights into how these patterns play out in relationships. You'll discover the importance of understanding not just your style but also your partner's, and how mismatched styles can be addressed for better harmony. With practical guidance and real-world examples, this discussion aims to equip you with the tools to foster a more resilient and connected relationship, even in the face of disagreements. Tune in to explore how you can create a new positive dynamic in your relationship by embracing and working with your unique conflict styles.

Dr. Don Cole is the Clinical Director of The Gottman Institute and a licensed mental health counselor in the state of Washington. Along with his wife, Dr. Carrie Cole, he founded The Center for Relationship Wellness. With over 30 years of experience, he has worked with individuals and couples in various areas, including marital therapy, affair recovery, depression, anxiety, trauma recovery, parenting, and personality disorders.

Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode

05:55 The three conflict styles: volatile, validating, and avoidant.

14:38 Conflicts arise in mismatched styles: the validator vs. the avoidant.

17:17 Understanding conflict styles: it's not about maturity or emotional intelligence.

19:34 Examining the volatile style: comfort with high energy and emotions.

26:06 The validator style: problem-solving and seeking understanding.

33:56 Managing conflict with avoidant partners: strategies for understanding.

35:37 Using the Gottman Rapoport style for effective communication.

43:46 Tools and resources: books, workshops, and psychoeducational materials.

45:56 Normalizing conflict: learning to accept and grow through differences.

Mentioned

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)