[PREVIEW] All Your Fat Sex Questions, Answered!

A deep dive into positions, props, and misconceptions, with body image coach Bri Campos.

You’re listening to Burnt Toast!

We are Virginia Sole-Smith and Corinne Fay, and it’s time for your May Indulgence Gospel!

Today, fan favorite Brianna Campos joins us again to talk more about… fat dating and sex!

We’re answering your questions, like:

⭐️ How do you navigate certain positions in bigger bodies?

⭐️ How do you talk to new partners about what your body needs?

⭐️ Are “oral sex skills” a myth?

⭐️ And…who is Virginia dating now?

To hear the full story, you’ll need to be a paid Burnt Toast subscriber. Subscriptions are $7 per month or $70 for the year.

You can always listen to our episodes right here in your email, where you’ll also receive full transcripts (edited and condensed for clarity). But please also follow us in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, and/or Pocket Casts!

This transcript contains affiliate links. Shopping our links is a great way to support Burnt Toast!

Episode 191 Transcript

Virginia

Okay, for anyone who missed her last visit: Bri is a licensed professional counselor and body image coach who works with folks recovering from eating disorders and finding body acceptance through grief. She joined me on the podcast back in February to talk about her work and her experiences dating in a superfat body, and you all loved that conversation so much.

We have asked Bri to join us again, this time to help Corinne and I answer your questions. So welcome Bri!

Bri

Thank you so much for having me back. What an honor.

Virginia

Well we have some very spicy questions to discuss today. I hope you’re feeling ready.

Bri

I’m so ready.

Corinne

In today’s episode, we’re going to talk very practically about the mechanics of fat sex. Some of the questions are pretty graphic, so you might not want to listen to this one with kids around. You may not even want to listen with friends around!

!!! And if you’re related to anyone who is on the podcast today, you may not want to listen to this episode!!!

Virginia

I would say, you are strongly encouraged to skip this one, actually.

Corinne

Moms, siblings.

Virginia

Dads, brothers, whatever. More content for you is coming. This one isn’t it.

Bri

We appreciate the support.

Corinne

Okay, here’s question number one:

My cis male partner and I (a cis female) have been together eight years. We have both gained belly weight in that time, and now missionary is tricky, especially if I need to use a hand to stimulate my clit. Plus, it’s harder for him to get as deep with bellies in the way. We’ve tried, him standing/me on the edge of the bed, him kneeling, and my hips up and other variations. I’ve been thinking about a wedge pillow, but that definitely takes the spontaneity out of it. Any tips?

Bri

I mean, I’ll dive right in.

Get the wedge pillow! Any spontaneity that it takes you out of, you get right back in there. 10/10 recommend the wedge pillow.

Virginia

We will link to Bri’s favorite wedge pillow, and a non-Amazon option (that I’m really curious about because it’s also cute!) and another one. That does seem like the obvious solution.

My other thought was, girl, get on top! That can work better sometimes. And get a vibrator, so you don’t have to get your hand down there.

We can link to the Dame Pom, which is a nice, small vibrator, so it slides in very nicely between bodies. And bellies are honestly an asset at that point, for holding it in place.

Corinne

So true. There are also other vibrating sex toys, like vibrating cock rings and stuff like that.

Virginia

Similar concept.

Corinne

I also want to say I’ve heard that a good position for fat people in this scenario is with the person with being penetrated lying on their side, like with one leg up, and then the other person straddling your bottom leg. It’s really hard to describe this.(1)

Virginia

Do we need a drawing? So she’s lying on her side, and he’s like, straddling her lower leg, her top leg is kind of draped over him?

Corinne

Yeah.

Virginia

This is amazing by the way. This is already my favorite episode.

Corinne

Okay, so the—I’m just going to say woman, and woman can mean whatever you want. So you’d be lying on your side, but kind of facing down, and have one leg up bent, and then the man—again man can mean whatever you want—would be straddling.

Virginia

The penetrator?

Corinne

That’s not awkward, but yes, he would have his knees on either side of your straight bottom leg. Because then his belly is above your body, and your belly is facing the mattress.

Virginia

Yeah, okay.

Bri

I have some, some other thoughts that I want to share. And if you’re my family, please stop listening at this point.

But as somebody who’s in a super fat body and struggles with mobility, getting on top is actually really hard for me. And I’m short, so I don’t know like, how to get my legs on. But the other thing, too, is I’ve been with some people who really love eye contact—so if you’re on your side, you might miss that.

Virginia

Yeah, then you would lose the eye contact.

Bri

So I mean, yes, the wedge pillow. The other thing is to get a yoga strap, to just pull your legs up a little bit higher. So the wedge will help lift you. But then, instead of having to hold your legs up, the strap will help. It will improve functionality. And then you can lift your belly up, you can lift your legs up.

That doesn’t help you with the clitoral stimulation, but the vibrator or the cock ring would definitely help with that.

Virginia

Because if you’re holding the yoga strap, you can’t be getting a hand down there.

Bri

But if you tie the yoga strap with one hand…

Virginia

That’s kind of hot. Like a bondage situation?

Corinne

I’ve also just anecdotally heard of people using a yoga strap on someone who’s on their hands and knees to pull just so you’re closer, to help squish the bellies.

Bri

I have a link for something like that.

[Note: All the specific product recs in this episode can be found here. We’ve included non-Amazon alternatives whenever we can!]

Virginia

This is really reframing yoga straps for me. It’s much hotter now.

Bri

Multi-functional!

Corinne

Also, like a towel would work. You don’t have to buy something specific.

Virginia

Right.

Bri

Just recently I was with somebody and I had the strap in my bag, and I was like, I don’t want to get it out. Because I just, I don’t know, it’s like, I’m in my head. And then finally, I was like, “I think this would help.” And it actually made it a little steamier if you will. So make the accommodation. It’ll take you out of the moment for a second, but then you get right back into it.

Corinne

Yeah, when I first read this, I was like, I feel like spontaneity is maybe overrated.

Bri

Amen.

Virginia

Because your comfort matters more! I think the spontaneity idea is sort of like movie sex, where it’s like people can just fall on each other and it all happens, right? That’s nobody’s actual sex, at any body size. You need to be communicating. You need to feel comfortable. That makes it much hotter once you have that.

Corinne

Maybe spontaneity gets things started. But then it’s like, if you’re not getting there, then what’s the point?

Bri

That’s going to take you out of the moment, too. So take the moment, get the wedge pillow. Two seconds, get the strap.

And the other thing, too—and this has probably been the best advice that was given to me—is to communicate with your partner. “Hey, if you need me to move my belly, or if you’re seeing functionally what’s going wrong, let’s talk about it so that we can navigate through it.”

Virginia

I love that. That’s really good.

Bri

Do you have any thoughts on the riding issue for folks in superfat bodies? Because it’s definitely something that I know that I had hesitance about. About getting on top.

Virginia

Oh, like the vulnerability?

Bri

Well, the vulnerability, but, like, the functionality.

Virginia

I think I was being simplistic, and a little too glib, when I suggested that. I know people in all body sizes who feel uncomfortable being on top! It can be tough on your knees.

Bri

And emotionally.

Virginia

You’re more exposed. I just wrote a piece about chins. Your chins are more on display. A lot of women have been taught to not want that angle on their bodies. Which, to me, feels like a real disservice. Thank you, patriarchy. Because it can be a really good position for a lot of women. But if it doesn’t serve you, then there’s no need to force it.

Bri

I know there is this luggage rack kind of thing?

Corinne

Oh yeah, I’ve seen that. I’ve never tried it.

I also think sometimes, if you’re with a partner who’s fat or super fat, your legs can’t really reach all the way around them.

Bri

Yeah, and that’s okay, because there are many other positions. But don’t not get on top because you’re afraid that you’re going to hurt him. He’ll be fine.

Oh I used him, sorry! Your partner underneath you.

Virginia

Whoever they are, they’re lucky you are on top of them.

Bri

Amen.

Corinne

I think also, with stuff like this, sometimes we have this idea that we should know how to do it just because we’ve seen it in a movie or seen it in porn or photos or whatever. But you might have to try different things to find something that works. Like, maybe you need some kind of assistance to hold part of yourself up, or maybe you want to be on one knee and one foot, or turn to face in the other direction.

Bri

Again, with the eye contact thing. But I did read something that said, putting the wedge pillow under the partner on the bottom totally lifts their hips up.

I also bought this movement program from Flex with Vera, it was like a hip opener and a core strengthener to help you if you want to do that. Not motivated by anything other than wanting to sit a little bit easier up there.

Virginia

It feels like something a good physical therapist would be able to help with, too. Or occupational therapy should be covering this. Maybe a good pelvic floor therapist.

All right, I will read the next question:

I’m navigating sex with a new person. I’m fat. He’s an average body size. I have talked to him about the importance of pillows for positioning, angle, and height. He says he’s willing to do what it takes. I’m worried about other things, like sweating and not smelling as nice as I want to and I have a harder time reaching to trim the down under area.

Bri

I think that the anxiety, all the thoughts going through your head, are normal. And especially if you’re maybe not having body image thoughts, like, of course then you’re worried about whether you’re sweating or how trimmed you are down there.

What I subscribe to is: They know what they signed up for, right? They’re there. It’s good to have that conversation beforehand. And if you’ve had that conversation and they’re still there, they want to have sex with you. They’re excited to be there!

For hair: I wax, so that’s an option. I’ll just add anecdotally, as well, I just had to call the waxing place because the waxer I was using so nice, but I didn’t feel like even just getting waxed, mobility-wise, I can’t hold my legs for this long. So I called and I said to the manager, I need somebody who can tell me what they need me to do and how to accommodate, because I don’t know how to advocate for myself. And they were like, we’re so sorry that you had this experience! We want to make sure you have a good experience. And I was like, this was hard advocating here. No wonder it’s hard advocating in bedroom.

But, yeah, sweating is normal! Smells are normal, hair is normal. My encouragement would be, if you can put that to the side, or just notice: Okay this is all coming up, how can I stay present and then maybe explore it later? Because it’s not actually going to help you in the moment.

Virginia

Yep, I like that.

Corinne

It feels like one of those things where it makes sense that you’re worrying about but—just worry about it when it happens, you know? You’re not even there yet.

Virginia

Good point.

Corinne

Not that you shouldn’t do anything to prepare or whatever. But you’re worrying about stuff that hasn’t happened yet.

Bri

This happened to me recently. I very rarely think about my body in that context, but I was getting my period, and I was worried that I was sweating, and I was like, we will navigate it. If I have a partner who’s communicative that we can navigate through it, it’s going to be fine.

This anxiety is trying to protect you from something, it’s trying to protect you from feeling rejected or feeling embarrassed. But it’s not actually doing that job. It’s not actually helping you.

So shower, put the AC on, put a fan on, communicate with your partner, and let what happens happens. You can always talk about it and navigate it together.

Virginia

My other thought was, if this person has felt comfortable enough to talk about pillows and positioning and this guy’s saying he’s willing to do what it takes, like—he’s in! He’s ready, he’s a sure bet.

So, it feels like you could also say, “I’m anxious about this piece.” You don’t have to say, “What’s your preference for body hair?” Because it’s your body and your hair, and you get to make that decision. But if it makes you feel more comfortable, you could say, “This is what I like to do with my body hair. Just a heads up.” It sounds like he’s going to be receptive. And there’s a way that all of that can be kind of hot, because it’s all building the anticipation.

So, I think don’t be afraid to just have that conversation with this person ahead of time if you need to. Or, just as you’re navigating it.

Bri

I’ll just say again: Every sexual partner I have had has been in a thinner body than me.

So I think it’s so hard when we have been told—and I and I date men, right? So I think that there’s this old belief that no one’s going to be attracted to you. Nobody’s going to want your fat body.

But it’s like, wait a second, that’s not what I’m experiencing. That’s not the reality that I’m living in. And so it’s about separating out the bullshit. The reality is that this person in a smaller or average size, body is desiring me, and I’m going to do the thing, and my body’s going to do things, and hopefully you can do what you intended to do and feel good and have fun and experience pleasure in your body.

Corinne

And I think a lot of what this person is worried about is rejection. But it goes both ways. Like, if you’re having sex with someone and you want to get a pillow, and they’re like, “Well, now I don’t want to have sex anymore,” that’s good information to have, because that doesn’t seem fun.

Virginia

Maybe that’s not someone you want to have sex with.

Corinne

Maybe not the partner for you.

Bri

Bullet dodged.

Virginia

Corinne, do you want to read the next one?

Corinne

Yes.

I’m worried that, like a lot of men, this guy can make one woman come, and now he thinks he’s a master at it. Maybe he doesn’t have the oral skills he says he does?

I told him that I imagine oral sex for a woman feels about as good as oral sex for a man, which, from what I’ve heard some men describe, there’s not much better. I encourage him to think of the clitoris as a small penis. Not sure if I’m worrying myself so much that I’m taking the fun away. I just want him to be prepared that fat sex is different. Am I making sense? Help.

Virginia

We should also say this is a part two of the previous question. So this lovely individual is worrying about all of the things before sex with a new partner. Which completely makes sense and is deeply relatable. You’re spiraling in all the different directions about this.

Corinne

Okay. I kind of feel like “oral skills” are a myth. I’m just going to go out there and say it.

Virginia

Say more.

Bri

Say everything.

Corinne

When you say, “I hope someone has good skills,” what you’re actually saying is, “I hope I don’t have to communicate any of my wants and that they just do everything I want, without me having to say anything.”

Virginia

Damn.

Bri

I feel attacked.

Corinne

Sorry. You have to tell people what you want and I don’t think you should just expect someone to come into a relationship knowing exactly what is going to achieve orgasm for you.

Virginia

Because it’s so different. It’s different for everybody!

Corinne

It’s different for everybody. It’s really easy to make an analogy with, like, kissing or whatever. Like, if you’re like, “This person’s a bad kisser,” are they a bad kisser? Or are you just not telling them what you want? Are they a bad kisser or are you just incompatible kissers?

I just don’t think it’s as easy as good and bad or skilled and not skilled.

Virginia

Okay, I’ve had some bad kissers, but I hear you.

Corinne

Or maybe you just kissed people that you didn’t like kissing! That’s allowed.

Virginia

You’re saying some people like windmill tongue, and I should not shame people for liking windmill tongue.

Corinne

Some people like slobbery kissing. Some people like really dry kissing. Some people like pecking. Some people like…

Bri

Like, a guppy fish?

Corinne

Someone might like that.

Virginia

There’s another guppy fish out there for that person.

Bri

So I’m just going to say this. I sometimes struggle asking specifically for what I want, because when I’m the one getting feedback, I’m mostly like, “I’m glad you’re telling me.” But then there’s this little tiny part of my brain that’s like, “You’re not doing a good enough job. Like, you’re doing this wrong.” And I have to lock that part into the basement and say, we will deal with you later. Just stay present right now.

So it’s like, I don’t want my partner to feel like that, too. So I can relate.

Virginia

But so much of that is our conditioning, especially as women, to not ask for what we want. To not be direct about our own pleasure. Especially for straight women, we might want to say what we want, but we know then we’ll have to do the emotional labor of “I have to manage his ego and his feelings about this.”

I mean I’m sure that happens in all gender pairings. But I think that conditioning kicks. We were trained to need to make him feel like he’s a god at oral sex, for some reason.

Bri

I think also, too that lowering the expectations can help. I don’t know what this person said to you that made you feel like, oh, like he made one woman come so now he thinks he’s an expert at it. But instead of getting hung up on that: Go in with the intent of connection, go in the intent of feeling good. You already set this premise of we have this communication. So let’s just keep going with that and if something feels good, tell them. Say, “Yes, more of that, please.”

Virginia

What I picked up on in both parts of this question is, I think this person is feeling so anxious about this guy is going to be navigating fat sex for the first time, and that that’s going to be different. So she is then making it so the expectations are very high all around. Like, wanting him to be prepared. We’re going to need to use a pillow, and this is going to be hard. And like, are you as good at oral sex as you said?

There’s almost a way in which it’s maybe a little bit of self-sabotage? Like, if I make it seem impossible to get this right then when it doesn’t go well, it’s like, well, of course.

Corinne

This is what happens when you spend too much time talking before you actually meet someone in real life!

Virginia

I know. I mean, it is the Corinne rule of dating. Don’t talk too long before that first date.

Corinne

People are just going to get themselves in trouble.

Bri

We hear that overanalytical part that’s trying to just protect you from feeling anything deemed unpleasurable. There is no amount of analytics that’s going to protect you from uncomfortable feelings. So it’s not actually doing what it needs to do.

Virginia

Great point.

Bri

And you want to be with this person! It sounds like you want to have this experience. I had a friend say to me, “Stop making the expectation that you’re both going to come.” Like, don’t even go in with that expectation, because you’re going to be disappointed if you don’t.

Go in with different expectations. Go in with connection. Go in with feeling good. Go in with laying naked with somebody. If you put the pressure on it, that’s when we can walk away feeling like, ah, it didn’t work out well. What I love to say, too, is like for me, every opportunity is an exploration of myself, of, oh, I figured out I don’t like this, or I really do like this, or, whatever it is.

I also wondered, though, if it’s because of being in a larger body. And, like, the idea that being prepared, that fat sex is different. How much different? Like, I mean, maybe there’s a little bit more nuance of like discussion, and it’s less like a porno and and more like real life.

Virginia

I’ve had skinny person sex! It’s not like a porno either.

Bri

But that’s what I’m saying, is, like, I know a lot of thin friends who do not have great sex. And fat sex can be delightful.

Virginia

Absolutely, it can be amazing.

I want this letter writer to send us an update, because I’m very invested. I know there’s a lot riding on this experience, and I hope it goes well.

Bri

I hope you have fun,.

Virginia

I hope it’s fun, and I hope there’s connection, and however it goes. It will not be perfect, but I hope it’s great.

All right, I will read the next one.

I am fat and queer. More specifically, I am homoromantic and asexual. This means that I am romantically attracted to women and femmes, and I do not experience sexual attraction to people of any gender. To be ultra clear, I don’t experience sexual attraction, but I do experience sexual arousal, and I do have and enjoy sex—people tend to make assumptions when they hear the word asexual. I find dating to be very hard. On the one hand, it’s hard to find a partner who can accept that I will never be sexually attracted to them. On the other hand, I find it’s very hard to be a lesbian, sapphic, WLW, etc, who is fat but not butch or ultra femme. Very few people exist at that intersection. Now my question, how do I direct my anger, frustration and sadness about the systemic anti-fatness and anti-queerness that has led to the situation without making my body and identity the problem? I know that my body and identity aren’t the problem, but my emotional logic always goes there, since it feels easier to change my body than it is to change the enculturation of my potential partners.

Mmmm, this is a big one.

Corinne

My instinct is, I wish you had more community. I feel like you need maybe some fat friends, maybe some like fellow asexual friends, that you can talk about this with. I just know you’re not alone out there. I know there are other people, probably close to where you live, who are experiencing the same stuff.

Bri

I would agree that I think what can be really hard is feeling like you’re alone or like that you’re the only one that experiences this. This is actually how my body grievers group came to be, was because I was meeting client after client. I’m like, you’re saying the same exact thing as the person before you, but nobody’s talking about it because they feel so much shame or they feel embarrassment.

And so I wouldn’t necessarily worry so much about directing your anger and frustration and sadness in the right place, because I think when you heal, it will direct itself that way.

But ask yourself, how do I meet myself where I’m at? If I was talking to a friend or a loved one, how would I show up for them to advocate for themselves and do that? So if that would be like, you need to go find some people. Even if you don’t have evidence that it’s it exists, or that it’s real or that there are other people, it doesn’t mean that’s proof that that’s true.

I just want to hold my privilege when I say that. But I also remember just it, the idea of me existing in the body that I exist in… As a superfat person, I would have never believed in a different time, that the life I am living was possible. And if I had gone based on the evidence of like, oh, I believe it could happen, or I’ve seen it happen, I wouldn’t be here.

But I allowed myself the unbelief that maybe it won’t get better. But how do I not let it get worse? How do I not stay stuck in this grief or this sadness about where I’m at? You get to grieve. You get to be frustrated. It gets to be difficult, and it is not your fault. You get to have what you want unapologetically. And it might take some work to figure out how to navigate it. And you’re worthy of that. You’re worthy of that time and space to navigate it.

Virginia

I’m thinking about the piece at the end where they say, “It feels easier to change my body than it is to change the enculturation of potential partners.” And we’ve talked about this a little bit in other episodes about dating: How do you navigate the biases your partners might be bringing to the situation? But I’m just curious, because I can understand why they go to like, well, if I can change me, then I won’t have to deal. I understand the logic of that. But obviously that’s not where we want to land. So do you guys have thoughts on, how do you address this with partners? Especially as this person’s navigating multiple marginalized identities?

Bri

Well, I definitely understand the narrative of, like, I would rather just change my body so that I don’t have to deal with it. And this is the same thing I say to my clients is, well, how long can you do that for? What’s the sustainable way of changing your body to avoid this grief?

Truly, you’re just delaying it. So you’re either going to deal with the discomfort now or you’re going to deal with it later. And you’re going to miss out on life now if you’re spending your time changing your body so that you can feel comfortable in a romantic relationship or sexual experience. If you’re spending all your time and energy changing your body, you’re not going to be able to be present for that.

The way that I do this work, is a distress scale. So on a scale of 1 to 10, low, medium, high. If the idea of, I don’t know, talking to a partner about this is like a 10, okay, so then maybe we don’t start there. Maybe we talk to a therapist about it first. Maybe we bring somebody else into it that it doesn’t feel like an overwhelm to your nervous system. Because I think you just need to feel validated that what you want is, you’re allowed to ask for it.

This happened to me, and again, I have a lot of privilege, but it’s like, if I would talk about my body discomfort, the immediate response was, well, why don’t you change your body? And that’s that’s just harmful, right? Because it’s not sitting with me in the discomfort of this is where we’re at, and this gets to be uncomfortable. And what do you need? How do we take care of you? Not to fix it, not to make it completely better, but just to make it suck a little bit less.

Corinne

I think it’s hard. It just might not be ideal. You might meet people, and you might have to explain to them what those identities mean to you. But I think you will find people out there that are open to it.

Virginia

Corinne, can I ask you to be be my queer friend and explain something to me?

Corinne

Sure.

Virginia

Where they said, “it’s hard to be lesbian who is fat, but not butch or ultra femme.” Is that true? I don’t know about this.

Corinne

It made me curious about where this person lives, because I don’t know. I mean, I know lots of people who are fat and not butch or femme. I have dated people who are fat and not butch or femme. I myself am attracted to people who are fat, but not butch or femme. I mean…

Virginia

I would even say, you yourself straddle those lines?

Corinne

Perhaps. Could be said.

Virginia

You’re not ultra femme.

Corinne

Yeah, I’m not ultra femme. It sounds like maybe their community is people who are mostly butch and femme, but other stuff exists.

Virginia

Yeah, I was like, is that all lesbians? Do you have to check one box or the other? That was kind of my question.

Corinne

No, definitely not. I mean, identities are just so varied. There are butch people who are only attracted to other butch people, and there are femme people who are only attracted to other femmes. Like, there are people in the middle who are also attracted to people in the middle. There are just all kinds of people, you know?

Virginia

Who are fat and yet not butch or femme.

Corinne

Yes, I’m sure.

Bri

I remember when I first started online dating, I would be like, “Well, I don’t think that person would be attracted to me,” so I wouldn’t even attempt. And now I’m like, “Am I attracted to this person? Do I see myself kissing you?” And if yes, okay, I’m going to swipe right, and we’ll see what happens. But yeah, it is very hard. Anti-fatness, as Aubrey Gordon says, is the water we live in. So it’s like the water we exist in. So I understand that at pressure, but ugh, tough.

Corinne

I think there are apps or websites just specifically for asexual dating. And I think even Feeld has stuff where you can check that off. So just something to consider.

Bri

I’ll just say, I’m on Feeld, and I have found it to be very, very nice. And I pay for it, but this way I can filter out what I’m looking for and who I’m looking for, and it’s great. And I’ve had some really, really great and lovely connections and experiences.

Corinne

OK, last question:

Virginia, do you want to talk about your post divorce dating?

Virginia

Ahh! Okay, we have gotten a lot of questions about this. And as someone who was in a 25 year relationship and then newly exploring dating in her 40s, I felt it was pretty important to keep that off the Internet for a while. To keep that private.

But I am now six (almost seven!) months into a relationship with a really wonderful person. His name is Jack, and it’s pretty exciting. So that is the main update. If you’ve heard references to me suddenly watching football as a 44 year old woman who never liked sports before, you may have started to piece it together. I’ve had a few eagle-eyed readers be like, “I think there’s something very boyfriend-coded about this,” and you were not wrong.

Corinne

That’s funny. Well, I’m single, on the other hand. If anyone wants to slide into my DMs.

Virginia

Slide into Corinne’s DMs! She is a catch, everyone in the Albuquerque area.

Corinne

Brianna, I don’t know if you want to do a little dating promotion for yourself?

Bri

I mean, I am single. I know that my audience is like, do you have a boyfriend? And I’m like, oh my gosh, no, I don’t have a boyfriend. But yes, I’m also single. I do date men.

Virginia

So two red hot catches here. I’m just saying. I really hope our audience delivers on that front.

Bri

You know, any brothers or you know, anyway you want to send my way? I’m in New Jersey.

I did a dating course with my friend and colleague Lily Womble, and I don’t know if we talked about this in the last episode, she said that the statistics are, like, I don’t know, 80% of people actually meet their partner in real life. And I’m like, ah!

Virginia

Oh I don’t I believe that at all? I mean, I met Jack through an online dating app. It’s the only way anyone’s meeting anybody.

Bri

Either people are lying or it means I have to go out of my house and then I have to talk to people.

Virginia

Corinne might say you do.

Corinne

I mean, I would love to meet someone in real life. All the people I’ve dated recently I’ve met online. I feel like that’s maybe an outdated statistic.

Virginia

Just with so many more people working from home, it seems impossible.

Bri

I work from home and I work online and I work for myself. I don’t have any spheres of people other than my online community. So her whole thing is, like, do things that bring you joy, and then you get involved in communities where you potentially could meet someone. And I’m like, okay, I understand that.

Virginia

I mean, I hear that. But I will say, as a someone who is navigating dating, as a divorced mom, I did not want to accidentally date my kid’s teacher. I did not want to date a dad in my town. Like I needed some distance.

Jack has now met my kids, that’s all going well. But before I knew this was a person I wanted in my life, I needed some boundaries to protect them. I mean, I’m very involved in my community, and not in a way that would get me dates. Most of my friends are other moms, who are married or partnered in some way. So I think, think online dating gets a bad rap. I think it can be terrible, but it can be a really useful tool.

Bri

I would love to just ask one question, because I know we had talked about this on our episode of like, when you started this process, there were so many things that you thought would disqualify you from this, like being divorced, being a mom and over 40 and fat.

So did any of that matter?

Virginia

It did not matter at all. Not one little bit. There was no shortage of people interested. I mean, you know, it was the experience everyone has where you start a lot of conversations. They don’t all go anywhere, some bad dates, some good dates, people that I was like, okay, that was fine. I never want to see you again. It wasn’t like every date was a home run or every conversation. But there was never a feeling that nobody was interested, or that those things were barriers.

I will say there were conversations where I could tell it was more about this is a guy who wants to get laid, and less about “I am directly interested in you. You are interesting to me.” I think that’s something everybody’s going to experience, especially if you date men, that’s going to happen.

But then I found someone who I really super clicked with right away. And none of those things were deal breakers or even concerns of any kind.

Bri

When I started sharing that I’m going on dates, there were some specifically thin white women being like, “I don’t define my worth by whether a man desires me.” And it’s like, shut up.

It is really fun to be in my fattest body and having this much fun like and be desired and desiring other people and like… so, even if you don’t think it’s possible, that’s not evidence that that’s actually true. You will not be for everybody, and not everybody’s going to be for you.

Virginia

Yes, that’s the other thing. You get to be just as choosy as anyone else is being. Which feels really good.

Well, this was a fantastic conversation. I feel like I learned so much from both of you. Thank you! And listeners, I am sure you will have follow up questions and thoughts, so I’m excited for the comment section on this one.

Bri, why don’t you remind folks where they can find you and follow your work and all that.

Bri

Of course. And again, thank you so much for bringing me in on this. I would say the best place to find me is on Instagram. I also have a Substack called

Body Image with Bri

so you can, you can follow me there. Thank you so so much. I appreciate it.

The Burnt Toast Podcast is produced and hosted by Virginia Sole-Smith (follow me on Instagram) and Corinne Fay, who runs @SellTradePlus, and Big Undies)

The Burnt Toast logo is by Deanna Lowe.

Our theme music is by Farideh.

Tommy Harron is our audio engineer.

Thanks for listening and for supporting anti-diet, body liberation journalism!

---
1. THIS is what I am talking about.