How Childhood Trauma Shows Up in Your Sex Life

12 snips

Sep 23, 2025

Joining the conversation is Violet Benson, a comedian and blogger known for her candid insights on relationships. She discusses pausing penetrative sex to tackle unhealthy intimacy patterns and the importance of setting boundaries. Violet also shares her emotional journey through egg freezing, detailing unexpected hormonal challenges. The duo explores how to differentiate between genuine connection and unhealthy attachment. Plus, they offer dating tips emphasizing vulnerability and authenticity, turning clinginess into a strength.

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ADVICE

Convert Fear Into A Boundary

Turn fears into boundaries by deciding not to sleep with someone too fast when it harms your judgment.
Use that boundary to protect your emotional clarity and avoid chasing unavailable partners.

INSIGHT

Healing Is Management Not Erasure

Deep childhood patterns don't fully vanish; you learn to manage and recover faster.
Healing is measured by how quickly you notice and course-correct, not by never repeating behaviors.

ANECDOTE

Egg Freezing Triggered Intense Hormonal Effects

Violet describes freezing her eggs and the severe hormonal and emotional side effects she experienced.
She nearly spiraled mentally and only found relief after reading other women's accounts explaining the hormone effects.

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In this Sex with Emily episode, Dr. Emily sits down with Violet Benson. Violet opens up about her intentional decision to step back from penetrative sex while working through attachment patterns that clouded her judgment in relationships.

How do you know when sex is creating unhealthy emotional attachment versus genuine connection? Violet shares her realization that sleeping with someone too quickly led her to ignore red flags and chase unavailable partners who mirrored her childhood feelings of being "not enough."

The conversation dives into Violet's egg freezing experience, including the intense hormonal and emotional effects that doctors failed to prepare her for. Violet takes Emily's Sex IQ quiz from the book Smart Sex, reflecting on how much her relationship with her body and pleasure has evolved.

They tackle a listener question about pursuing someone with major red flags just for physical chemistry, with both hosts emphasizing the importance of honest self-reflection over justification.

The episode explores embracing "clinginess" in dating, why vulnerability beats playing games, and how foreplay truly starts outside the bedroom. Throughout, Emily and Violet reinforce that understanding your patterns is the first step to breaking cycles that don't serve you.

Timestamps:

0:00 - Intro

2:13 - Violet's dating hiatus

5:42 - Turning fears into boundaries

8:37 - Understanding attachment styles and childhood trauma in relationships

11:43 - Egg freezing experience

16:17 - Managing mental health during hormonal changes

21:00 - Sex IQ Quiz

26:31 - Listener question: Detaching emotions from physical intimacy

30:30 - Why being vulnerable beats playing games

35:41 - Why people are having less sex and connection

38:15 - Top 3 tips for authentic dating and better relationships

40:42 - Rapid-fire questions: Turn-ons, turn-offs, and relationship advice