Erotic Simmering and Lasting Love with Stephen Snyder MD
Feb 12, 2019
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Stephen Snyder MD, a sex and relationship therapist, discusses the nature of desire, cultivating mindful moments of inspiration, frustration in relationships, the importance of getting dumb and happy with your partner, finding your voice, the role of selfishness in eroticism, the negative impact of pressure on the erotic mind, and setting limits in the 21st century.
Prioritizing intimate connection and making space for stillness and surrender can tap into the core of erotic life.
Asserting one's own needs and desires, even when different from the partner, promotes growth in the relationship.
Creating a container for connection by going to bed together without expectations allows desire to naturally emerge and sustain an erotic climate in a long-term relationship.
Deep dives
The Erotic Space: Regression, Validation, and Stillness
When we are sexually aroused, we become absorbed in the moment, regress to a more childlike state of mind, and experience a deep sense of validation. This state of stillness and vulnerability is at the core of erotic life. Couples can tap into this by prioritizing their intimate connection and making space for stillness and surrender. It is about finding a private religion that only exists between two people, where pleasure and selfish joy in each other's existence are primary. Being seen and accepting one another's desires can create new sexual territories and promote growth in the relationship.
Differentiation and Finding Your Voice
In order to maintain desire and connection in long-term relationships, individuals need to assert what they need and feel, even when it differs from their partner. This requires mutual understanding and creative problem-solving. Finding pleasure in oneself and focusing on self-pleasure can enhance sexual experiences. It is about being selfish in the sense of prioritizing one's own pleasure rather than solely focusing on giving pleasure to the partner. Differentiation and finding one's voice can cultivate a deeper sense of self and confidence in the relationship.
Challenges and Pressures in Sexual Relationships
Couples may face challenges when their sexual needs and desires differ. Open communication and negotiation are crucial to finding a middle ground that is gratifying for both partners. It is important to recognize that not all couples may be sexually compatible, and sometimes it is worth considering whether the relationship is still fulfilling in other aspects. The pressures to perform or meet societal expectations can be erotically deadening. Instead, creating an atmosphere of ease, spontaneity, and acceptance can foster a more fulfilling sexual connection.
Creating a Container for Connection
One of the main ideas discussed in the podcast is the importance of creating a container for connection in long-term relationships. The speaker suggests that couples often get stuck when they don't make time for each other and rely solely on desire. Instead of focusing on cultivating desire, the speaker proposes a technique that involves going to bed together without any expectations and simply being present with each other. The speaker emphasizes the value of enjoying each other's company and allowing desire to naturally emerge, rather than forcing it.
Simmering and Cultivating Arousal
Another key point explored in the podcast is the concept of simmering in a relationship and cultivating arousal for its own sake. The speaker suggests that couples should not wait for scheduled moments to feel excited together, but rather, they should enjoy feeling excited even for just a few minutes. Simmering involves experiencing arousal and excitement without the need for it to lead to sex. The speaker also highlights the significance of falling asleep and waking up dumb and happy together as a way to maintain an erotic connection in a long-term relationship. By focusing on simmering and enjoying arousal for its own sake, couples can sustain an erotic climate in their relationship.
Why we make ourselves crazy trying to cultivate desire instead of a-tuning ourselves to our long term partners through mindful moments of inspiration.
Why frustration is a good thing in relationships.
Why your goal should be to get dumb and happy with your partner (according to Dr. Synder, this is the ticket to keep a long term erotic connection simmering).
How to be seen, speak up, and find your voice.
Selfishness + making it easy.
Focus on wanting to consuming your partner — eroticism is about taking selfish joy in the other person’s existence inside the bedroom. And outside the bedroom, being able to assert what you need, think and feel even when the other needs thinks and feels something different; this is what creates the core of the couples confidence and creativity together.
Why pressure tends to make the erotic mind rebel.
Dr Synder says “given that our erotic selves are ultimately such small children, what we really want to do is be good parents to our erotic children.”
And we also touch on setting limits for ourselves in the 21st century, especially when it comes to enactments.
Sometimes a change in surroundings can make all the difference. Come away with your partner and combine the core elements of a spa retreat with a personalized deep dive into Connectfulness® couple therapy, and return home restored and deeply aware of your relational patterns. I’m booking one Private Couples Intensive Retreat Experiences per month. Learn more at connectfulness.com/intensive
Learn more about my relationship therapy practice in NY at connectfulness.com
