Alegra Kastens, an OCD specialist, dives into the chaotic world of crushes in the digital age, where social media and dating apps complicate infatuation. She discusses how neurodivergence influences romantic feelings, particularly the role of limerence and obsessive thoughts. The conversation reveals the emotional intensity of one-sided crushes and the societal pressures from observing others’ relationships. Practical grounding techniques are shared, equipping listeners to navigate their overthinking and embrace the complexities of modern love.
Crushes in the digital age intertwine nostalgia and affection, becoming complex emotions shaped by past experiences and loss.
Social media intensifies romantic feelings, distorting reality and complicating genuine human connection through curated portrayals and superficial engagements.
Limerence represents an obsessive fixation that can elevate emotional highs and lows, risking mental health when intense feelings become unhealthy obsessions.
Deep dives
Reflections on Loss and Crushes
The episode dives into the emotional complexities of crushes, starting with the host's confounding feelings following the death of a former middle school crush. This acknowledgment of loss illuminates how past crushes are tied to formative experiences during adolescence, making them impactful even years later. The host reflects on how the wounds of such losses can resurface unexpectedly, serving as reminders of youthful love and infatuation. The episode introduces the idea that although these feelings can feel overwhelming, they often blend nostalgia with profound sorrow, complicating how we view infatuation in our adult lives.
Crushes in the Digital Age
Crushes have evolved significantly in the age of social media, leading to different emotional experiences than in previous generations. The host discusses how social platforms intensify feelings by allowing people to engage with curated, idealized versions of others, which can exacerbate fantasies and potential delusions. The addictive nature of receiving likes and messages can contribute to the feeling of being in an infatuation while simultaneously distorting reality. This scenario sets the stage for increased anxiety and confusion, complicating genuine human connection amidst an epidemic of superficial engagement.
Understanding the Science of Crushes
The podcast delves into the neuroscience behind crushes, explaining them as a combination of dopamine-induced reward systems and fear of rejection. Feelings associated with having a crush are compared to elements of addiction, where the emotional high can create a cycle of obsessive behavior. The host points out that crushes flourish in uncertain environments, feeding into behaviors that can lead to emotional paralysis. This examination demonstrates how crushes, while universal experiences, can also lead to mental and emotional challenges, especially for those with predispositions toward anxiety or obsessive thinking.
Limerence and Obsession
The episode offers insight into the phenomenon of limerence, a condition where infatuation turns into an obsessive fixation on a person. This state can lead individuals to interpret ordinary interactions through a biased lens, causing an emotional swing between heights of elation and depths of despair. The discussion elaborates on the idea that limerance is often one-sided and can persist even in the face of unrequited feelings, posing risks to overall mental health. The podcast emphasizes the importance of recognizing when intense feelings might cross a threshold into unhealthy obsession, encouraging listeners to seek balance.
The Impact of Dating Apps
Dating apps are critiqued as having a profound impact on how individuals experience crushes, often amplifying the tendency to fantasize and idealize potential partners. The ease of swiping creates a paradox of choice, where the volume of options can lead to dissatisfaction and superficial connections, rather than meaningful relationships. The podcast highlights the unique challenges presented by dating apps, from curated profiles that encourage projection to the potential for misinterpretation in limited interactions. This exploration urges individuals to reconsider the dynamics of modern romance and their influence on real-life connections, encouraging a more grounded approach.
Before the internet, getting lost in a spiral of romantic, obsessive feelings for someone was already an all-consuming experience… but now? With algorithmic dating apps and the ability to overanalyze everyone watching your Instagram Stories, crushes in the digital age are ripe for delulu. In some cases, they might even pose a threat to IRL human connection. This week on the pod, OCD specialist Alegra Kastens (@alegrakastens) joins host Amanda Montell (@amanda_montell) for an open-hearted, all-too-relatable discussion of limerence, neurodivergence, and how crushes have combined with the social media era to produce a perfectly chaotic cocktail of magical overthinking.
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