This podcast explores the history of marriage, from strategic alliances to love matches. It discusses the evolution of love in marriage and the challenges of equality. The podcast also examines how marriage expectations have changed over time and explores topics like consensual non-monogamy and the importance of support in relationships.
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Quick takeaways
Marriage has evolved from economic partnerships to unions based on romantic love, with modern expectations focusing on personal growth and fulfillment.
The increased expectations for marriage in modern times can suffocate the relationship, but efforts towards shared growth and communication can help maintain a fulfilling relationship at the top of Maslow's hierarchy.
Deep dives
The Evolution of Marriage
Marriage has evolved over time, starting from economic partnerships to unions based on romantic love. Early marriages were primarily about economics and establishing peaceful relations. Marriages were political alliances, like Cleopatra and Mark Antony. The shift towards love marriages began in the 17th and 18th centuries, with Jane Austen's novels showcasing marrying for love. The expectations for marriage have changed, with the modern focus on personal growth and fulfillment. Marriage now encompasses emotional and psychological needs. The challenge is balancing high expectations while maintaining a strong relationship.
The Suffocation of Modern Marriage
The increased expectations for marriage in modern times have led to a potential suffocation of the relationship. The emphasis on personal growth and fulfillment puts pressure on couples to meet these expectations. The concept of the Michelangelo effect suggests that partners can sculpt each other to become the best versions of themselves. However, it requires effort, communication, and shared growth. The challenge lies in investing enough time and energy to sustain a fulfilling relationship at the top of Maslow's hierarchy.
Love Hacks for Successful Marriages
Love hacks can help navigate the challenges of modern marriage. One approach is to reinterpret negative behavior from a partner in a sympathetic way, focusing on the context rather than judgment. Adopting a growth mindset allows for personal and relationship development, thinking of conflict as an opportunity for growth instead of a sign of incompatibility. Diversifying social support networks can meet various emotional needs. For some couples, consensual non-monogamy may be an option to fulfill specific needs outside of the relationship.
Creating Emotional Shorthand and Lowering Expectations
Developing emotional shorthand unique to the relationship can express affection and diffuse potential conflicts. Each marriage has its own culture and language that helps convey deeper meaning in simple phrases or actions. Another strategy is to lower expectations and find fulfillment outside the marriage. Social diversification, seeking emotional support from friends or other sources, can reduce disappointment and pressure on the relationship. It's important to recognize that marriage is a dynamic institution that changes over time, and adapting expectations can contribute to healthier and happier relationships.
No one will deny that marriage is hard. In fact, there's evidence it's getting even harder. This week on the show, we revisit a favorite episode from 2018 about the history of marriage and how it has evolved over time. We'll talk with historian Stephanie Coontz and psychologist Eli Finkel, and explore ways we can improve our love lives — including by asking less of our partners.
For more of our Relationships 2.0 series, be sure to check out last week's episode, "An Antidote to Loneliness." And if you've found this series to be useful, please consider supporting our work! You can do so at support.hiddenbrain.org.
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