228 “I Only Get the Hard Parts”: Living with Asymmetry in Polyamory and Life

Nov 1, 2025

Navigating non-monogamy can feel overwhelming, but it's a common struggle. The hosts share insights on reconnecting with your personal reasons for being poly, known as your 'poly why.' They explore the hidden dynamics of entitlement and how it can skew relationships. Creative outlets are suggested as ways to process challenging emotions. Community support is crucial, but alternatives like journaling can help too. Listeners are encouraged to celebrate small wins and remind themselves that change takes time and effort.

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INSIGHT

Hard Work Is Part Of The Process

It's normal for non-monogamous practice to feel like constant hard work and emotional training.
Joli and Ken emphasize this phase doesn't mean failure, just heavy unpacking of assumptions.

ADVICE

Anchor To Your Poly-Why

Anchor into your "poly-why" to give meaning and reduce suffering during hard moments.
Use values (e.g., emotional autonomy) as a compass when asymmetry feels overwhelming.

INSIGHT

Reframe Suffering Through Values

Reframing experiences by values changes the meaning you make of hardship.
Meaning-making shifts suffering into experiencing without removing tactical challenges.

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Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You're not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship meetings are worth it. This feeling is incredibly common, whether you initiated opening your relationship or not.

We've both been there. The reality is that unpacking our assumptions about relationships takes significant emotional energy, especially when regular life continues demanding our attention. But there’s so much you can do to make peace with these feelings. This episode will help you to re-ground into your reasons for being poly, and find practical tips for re-energizing and recovering from overwhelm.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why it's normal to feel overwhelmed by the constant self-work required in non-monogamous relationships

— The importance of connecting to your "poly why"—your personal values and reasons for choosing this path

— How entitlement can secretly undermine our experiences when things feel asymmetric or unfair

— Why community support is crucial when navigating difficult emotions (and what to do if you don't have access to community)

— The value of self-expression through writing, art, or other creative outlets when processing challenging feelings

— How to recognize when you're falling into the "martyr" or "hero" archetype in your relationships

— The difference between dating for genuine connection versus dating to "balance the scales" when your partner is having more fun than you

— Why celebrating your milestones and growth—even the seemingly small ones—is essential for sustainability

— The importance of acknowledging that asymmetry is normal in relationships, and "balance" may not be the right goal

— How to reconnect with pride in your journey of unpacking the ownership model of relationships

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Our PWF episode about finding compatible partners

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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions