CM 109: Heidi Grant on the Science of Asking for Help

How do you feel about asking for help? For most of us, asking for help feels uncomfortable, mainly because we expect we’ll be rejected when we ask. Yet there's a good chance we're wrong. Heidi Grant, social psychologist and author of the book, Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You, explains that a lot more people want to help us than we tend to predict. It’s the way we ask for help that determines the result, and that’s where Heidi’s practical tips can make all the difference. Heidi is Chief Science Officer of the NeuroLeadership Institute and Associate Director of the Motivation Science Center at Columbia University. She’s the author of a number of books, including No One Understands You and What to Do about It and Nine Things Successful People Do Differently. In this interview we discuss: How our brains process social pain -- rejection, exclusion, not feeling valued or respected -- using some of the same areas of the brain as physical pain Why fears of social pain -- rejection, exclusion, not feeling valued or respected -- can prevent us from asking for help How we’re twice as likely to get help from strangers as we think -- we tend to underestimate how much others want to help us How we often underestimate the likelihood that someone will help is because we focus on how onerous the task is We also underestimate the social cost of someone saying no to our request How helping others feeds into a desire to connect and feel good about supporting someone else in their work There are three responses we can have when someone asks for our help: (1) no; (2) yes, but I don’t want to because I have to; and (3) yes, and I want to and it feels rewarding When you ask for help, don’t make it weird by being overly apologetic -- it makes the helper feel uncomfortable How offering a reward can make the helper feel like it’s an exchange or a transaction rather than something they’d want to do for you How offering a reward for someone’s help can shift the motivation they have from wanting to help for the sake of helping to wanting to help only if they get something in return Why we should ask again even if someone has already turned us down -- especially if they’ve turned us down - because they often feel guilty and will want to help the next time How we may not be getting the help we need because we aren’t letting others know we need their help -- they may be completely unaware The fact that nothing goes without saying, since others can’t read our minds to know we need their help The fact that someone may want to help but holds off so as not to offend Why we should be specific in asking for what we need and in asking the right person, rather than making general asks to a group of people Why your requests to meet up with someone just to pick their brain or chat may not be getting you the results you want Why it’s so helpful to communicate what you have in common with the person whose help you’re requesting, like shared goals, experiences, or identities How others are more inclined to help when they’re aware of the impact they’ll be having Why it’s so important to go the extra mile to make the help you seek rewarding to the other person -- that way it’s a win-win for both of you Episode Links  http://www.heidigrantphd.com/ @heidigrantphd NeuroLeadership Institute Motivation Science Center at Columbia Business School Reach by Andy Molinsky Illusion of transparency Diffusion of responsibility If you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review it on iTunes - your ratings make all the difference. For automatic delivery of new episodes, be sure to subscribe. As always, thanks for listening!