Better Sex #17: Jennifer Valli - Men's Sexual Concerns and Solutions
Men's sexual health concerns often stem from the pressure of expectations
In today’s episode, Jessa and Jennifer Valli talk about men’s sexual health concerns and dysfunctions ( men being defined as people who have been raised male and who have a penis) and approaches to make sex easier and stress-free.
Reasons Men go to Sex Therapy
Jennifer discusses the most common reasons that men go to sex therapy and the compounding pressure they face from society to behave in a predefined manner. She highlights the underlying social habits men are raised to practice and the effect it has on intimacy.
The question of penis size is raised and some shocking statistics revealed from Google searches.
Expectations
Jennifer covers initiation of sex and the role men are expected to play there as well as the desired sexual response that is burdened on them. She shares her thoughts on how this came to be, by looking at partners past experiences and the historical decline of testosterone.
Tips for men
Jennifer covers specific tips about premature ejaculation and recommends a great book called ‘Coping with Premature Ejaculation’ by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy coupled with an SSRI.
Tune in as she shares her Sex Club Rules, adapted from the movie, Fight Club:
Rule #1
Don’t panic.
Rule #2
Don’t panic.
Rule #3
Men may need both fiction and friction to get erect (touch and fantasy).
Rule #4
Engage with a semi-rigid or moderately rigid penis–don’t wait to be 100% rigid.
Rule #5
Men don’t need an erection to experience an orgasm.
Rule #6
Expect waxing and waning erections. This is more common for older men or men with dysfunction.
Rule #7
Men can still experience orgasm even if they don’t ejaculate from the penis (prostate surgeries or TURP surgeries, for example, can cause retrograde ejaculation where the ejaculate goes back up into the bladder but the man can still feel the orgasm).
Rule #8
Don’t apologize and turn it into a humiliating catastrophe. Instead, proceed to Rule #9.
Rule #9
Make eye contact with your partner and transition to being sexual a different way (which Jennifer shares suggestions on)
Performance anxiety
Jennifer tells us about an interesting experiment around this topic and comes to the conclusion that lack of erotic focus causes performance anxiety. She explains how the brain works leading up to and during an orgasm.
The topic of learning how to receive comes up and Jennifer shares how men can learn to do this without it feeling unnatural.
Jennifer covers loss of an erection, the role of the mind, the partner and ways to tune in and engage as a couple with perspective on the matter. Delayed ejaculation is covered and Jennifer shares what to do with this, so you will be in safe hands!
I ask if erectile dysfunction is physical or mental and Jennifer shares her thoughts on this with another interesting experiment you probably didn’t know about. Listen in to find out if they are linked or not and why.
Where to from here?
For men who have stayed away from sexual encounters and want to try and experience this again, she discusses how men can start having sex by “scaffolding in physical intimacy”. Listen in as she takes us on a step by step guide to slowly build up to a comfortable place with your partner.
About Jennifer
Jennifer Valli is a seasoned therapist and draws on 25 years of post-master’s clinical experience in psychiatry. She is a licensed psychotherapist in Tennessee and Certified Sex Therapist through AASECT, the American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
Valli completed some of this training in the area of fetishes and paraphilias with faculty through John’s Hopkins. She received a postgraduate degree in Sexual Health at the University of Michigan, both as a Sex Therapist and Sex Educator.
Valli is an instructor at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center with appointments with Medical Education and OBGYN in the College of Medicine and with Occupational Therapy in the College of Health Professions.
She is on the Board of Advisors at Men’s Fitness Magazine and has been quoted in Contemporary Sexuality, CNN, Men’s Health Magazine and Men’s Fitness Magazine.
In her private practice, Valli focuses on both emotional and physical intimacy.
Useful links
For more information, you can visit http://www.JenniferValli.com
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/Sexual-Health-by-Psychotherapist-Jennifer-Valli-431786393625792/
Twitter - https://twitter.com/JenniferValli/
AASECT: The American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists
Books:
Coping with Premature Ejaculation: How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner and Have Great Sex. By Metz and McCarthy.
https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Premature-Ejaculation-Overcome-Partner/dp/1572243406
Coping with Erectile Dysfunction: How to Regain Confidence and Enjoy Great Sex. By Metz and McCarthy.
https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Erectile-Dysfunction-Regain-Confidence/dp/1572243864
Better Sex Podcast - https://bettersexpodcast.com
Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
More info and resources:
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass