The Way Out Is In Transforming Loneliness (Episode #43)
Early Monastic Loneliness
- As a young novice monk, Brother Phap Huu felt intense loneliness and missed his mother.
- He cried for the first time, learning to embrace vulnerability and challenge his ideas about detachment.
Loneliness Despite Community
- Despite being surrounded by community, Brother Phap Huu later experienced a deep sense of loneliness and isolation.
- During Lunar New Year celebrations, he felt disconnected, leading to guilt and shame about his inability to connect.
Childhood Loneliness and Insignificance
- Jo Confino recounts feeling lonely and insignificant as a child, leading to a need for external validation.
- This childhood experience shaped his need for attention and affected his relationships as a young man.
Welcome to episode 43 of The Way Out Is In: The Zen Art of Living, a podcast series mirroring Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh’s deep teachings of Buddhist philosophy: a simple yet profound methodology for dealing with our suffering, and for creating more happiness and joy in our lives.
In the last podcast recording of 2022, the presenters – Zen Buddhist monk Brother Phap Huu and journalist Jo Confino – are joined by Zen Buddhist nun Sister Jina (the special guest in episode 14, ‘I Have Arrived, I Am Home; What a Blessing’). Together, they discuss loneliness, and how the Buddha’s teachings and Plum Village practices and exercises can help us come back to ourselves, and feel connected and part of life. The three also share moments of loneliness from different points in their lives.
Sister Jina (Sister Dieu Nghiem, translated as Sister True Wonder) further shares about coming home to oneself; creating self-compassion; people’s fears about looking inside themselves for answers; and learning from our mistakes.
Brother Phap Huu shares about Thich Nhat Hanh’s view of happiness, gratitude, and on identifying the goodness in life; ignoring our suffering; connecting to our true self; the temptation to retell stories of our suffering; the void and taking care of our wellness; learning to forgive; learning to be flexible; the practice of touching the earth; tree hugging; and silence.
Jo shares about feeling worthless and lonely in front of 400 people; reaching out to others when suffering from loneliness; learning to love oneself; gifting presence to ourselves and others; and interbeing.
The episode ends with a short meditation guided by Brother Phap Huu.
“We send our hearts out to you and hope that this conversation has brought some balm to your lives, and that over this period of days and weeks you find a sense of peace, a sense of calm, a sense of rootedness, and a sense of love and gratitude for yourself.”
See you in the new year!
Co-produced by the Plum Village App:
https://plumvillage.app/
And Global Optimism:
https://globaloptimism.com/
With support from the Thich Nhat Hanh Foundation:
https://thichnhathanhfoundation.org/
List of resources
Sister Jina
https://plumvillage.org/people/dharma-teachers/sr-dieu-nghiem/
The Way Out Is In: ‘I Have Arrived, I Am Home; What a Blessing’
https://plumvillage.org/podcast/i-have-arrived-i-am-home-what-a-blessing-episode-14/
Dharma Talks: ‘Interbeing and Store Consciousness’
https://plumvillage.org/library/dharma-talks/interbeing-and-store-consciousness/
Climate Week
https://www.climateweeknyc.org/
Sutras: ‘Discourse on Knowing the Better Way to Live Alone’
https://plumvillage.org/library/sutras/discourse-on-knowing-the-better-way-to-live-alone/
Our Appointment with Life: Sutra on Knowing the Better Way to Live Alone https://www.parallax.org/product/our-appointment-with-life-sutra-on-knowing-the-better-way-to-live-alone/
Tom Rivett-Carnac
https://www.globaloptimism.com/tom-rivett-carnac
Christiana Figueres
http://christianafigueres.com/#/
Thich Nhat Hanh: Live Our Life Whole: The Surface and the Depth of Our Being (4 February, 1993)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bUNFiPBIsw
‘The Five Earth Touchings’
https://plumvillage.org/key-practice-texts/the-five-earth-touchings/
Quotes
“As a young man, rather than true friendship, I was looking to get people to pay attention to me, almost to prove that I was alive and worthy to be alive. And it created an imbalance in my life: rather than thinking I had something to give and offer because I felt strong in myself, I was always looking for other people to mirror my existence.”
“Sometimes when you’re suffering from real loneliness, reach out and be vulnerable and share and allow the love and support of other people to come in.”
“We’re in a time of what’s supposed to be great connection; we’re all connected, but that connection is very often [on the] surface and is leading to more disconnection.”
“In my orientation, I always guide and I always invite people at the retreat to learn to be a friend with their breath, because that breath accompanies you to the west, to the east, to the north, to the south, inside, outside. As long as you are there, that breath will be with you. And the more you are connected to the breath, the more you learn to guide your mind home to your body, then you have a chance to cultivate your mind.”
“We have the view that being together is [only about] being with humans. But in our practice, we start to learn that being together is also [being] with nature, it’s also [being] with the conditions around you. Thay would teach us every morning to be grateful for one thing: ‘When you wake up and you see the sunrise; be grateful for that.’ You’re not alone. The sunrise is there for you.”
“Happiness is a very big word, but in the Zen tradition and in Plum Village, Thay talked about happiness as something as simple as having a cup of tea: feeling the warmth, seeing companions, seeing I’m not alone, and starting to train the mind [to see] that I have goodness inside of me, I have happiness inside of me, I have joy inside of me, I have peace inside of me. I can touch that, even though it’s not long-lasting. But peace is available. So the first steps, and the first attention and awareness that we are taught to identify, is the goodness in life, inside of us and around us. And what’s interesting is that it is very easy to have gratitude for things outside of us. [But] it takes a little bit more effort to have gratitude for oneself.”
“Sometimes we get so lost in our practice or in that present moment, and Thay had a very funny, quirky side, so he would ask one of his students, ‘What moment is this?’ And the right answer would be, ‘This is a happy moment.’ Sometimes we just need to be reminded to show up for ourselves; only when we show up for ourselves we can truly show up for others.”
“We also have to forgive ourselves. This forgiving is a journey, because when we forgive ourselves, we may also be forgiving our ancestors or our parents, who inflicted suffering to us, our society that inflicted suffering on us. And so this forgiving oneself has another layer that is unseen: learning to meet the other conditions, and forgiving, and recognizing them, embracing and transforming them, and letting them go. And when we say let go, it doesn’t mean they are not there anymore, but we’re not attached to them anymore because we, as practitioners, want to learn to be more free, because freedom is an element of self-love.”
“I am as I am because of causes and conditions. And who am I to judge other people? What are their dreams? What are their hopes? What are their fears? And so I think the issue is not the other people; it’s inside of me – and that’s good because I can do something about it.”