126 Borderline "personalities": Your questions answered by Dr. Greg Bottaro
Nov 20, 2023
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Dr. Greg Bottaro, Psychologist at the CatholicPsych Institute, shares insights on borderline personality dynamics. Topics include staying in relationship with someone threatening harm, anger and anxiety as coping mechanisms, concupiscence and wounds in borderline personality, navigating parenting with a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder, approaching true healing without over-spiritualizing, and helping a young adult son married to someone with BPD characteristics.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is characterized by deep anxiety, constant fear of abandonment, and disorganized or chaotic behavior.
BPD individuals often exhibit anger as a coping mechanism, which can quickly shift and coexist with anxiety, fear, or dependency.
Self-hatred in BPD is a psychological reaction to being wounded, and compassion, healing, and grace are crucial for addressing underlying wounds.
Deep dives
Recognizing the signs of BPD in a son's marriage
A mother is concerned about her son who recently got married and suspects that his wife has patterns of narcissistic borderline personality disorder (BPD). The son has started exhibiting cut-off behavior and is in turmoil. The wife exhibits controlling behavior, limiting contact with the family and not allowing them to see their granddaughter. The mother is confused about the request for space from the wife while already having limited access. The wife also threatens the mother when she reaches out. The mother is seeking advice on how to help her son who may not be aware of the dynamics of the relationship.
Supporting the son and encouraging self-awareness
The mother wants to help her son who may be unaware of the emotional abuse and lack of freedom in his relationship. The son has expressed being in turmoil and feeling controlled, but also exhibits a sense of accommodation to his wife's behavior. The son mentioned not feeling strong enough and lacks autonomy. The mother wants guidance on how to support him in recognizing the dynamics and building self-awareness.
Navigating family systems and boundaries
The mother is concerned about the impact on the family, with limited contact and exclusion from family events. The wife exhibits control and isolates the son. The mother is seeking guidance on how to navigate the family systems issues and establish healthy boundaries in the relationship.
This podcast episode delves into understanding the dynamics of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The discussion highlights themes such as anxiety and anger as coping mechanisms for individuals with BPD. The episode emphasizes that BPD is grounded in a deep anxiety, particularly the constant fear of abandonment. The anger exhibited by individuals with BPD may not always be well-founded and can quickly shift, often coexisting with anxiety, fear, or dependency. The episode describes BPD as a disorganized or chaotic condition that often requires a deeper healing grace.
The Role of Sin, Wounds, and Compassion in Self-Hatred
The podcast explores the complex relationship between self-hatred, sin, wounds, and compassion. It distinguishes between disordered thoughts or attitudes that are not sinful until they are endorsed or embraced internally. The episode discusses the woundedness that can lead to self-hatred, emphasizing that self-hatred is a psychological reaction to being wounded and not a sin itself. It suggests that healing and grace are necessary to address the underlying wounds and invites individuals to offer compassion to the parts of themselves that struggle with self-hatred. The episode highlights the importance of suspending judgment, accepting one's reality, and engaging in compassionate dialogue to foster healing and transformation.
In this episode, my guest Dr. Greg Bottaro of the CatholicPsych Institute shares with us the most important thing he wants us to remember about borderline personality dynamics, the things that Catholics and non-Catholics most often misunderstand about borderline presentations, and his takeaways about borderline "personalities." We then open the floor to these questions from our live audience: 1) How do you stay in relationship with someone who is threatening to harm themselves, you, or other family members? 2) Are anger and anxiety typical coping mechanisms for those with borderline characteristics? 3) I think I may have borderline personality with a strong strain of self-hatred. What is the role of concupiscence and wounds in borderline personality? 4) How would a Catholic parent with a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder characteristics navigate teaching or picking up the pieces with young children who witness severe emotional dysregulation on a regular basis without undermining the spouse or triangulating? 5) Someone brought to my awareness that they see BPD characteristics in me. How do I approach true authentic healing so that I don't wound others, while not falling into the trap of getting a formal diagnosis to justify my actions or over-spiritualizing, trying to pray it away or just go to confession? 6) How do I help my young adult son who is married to someone I suspect has BPD characteristics who is now cutting off communication with us and who is not taking care of himself and who has said he is in turmoil when his wife, my daughter-in-law, who seems controlling and needing lots of "space"?
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