She Couldn’t Feel Love Unless She Was Performing | Adam Lane Smith

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Oct 31, 2025

Maggie reveals how an 11-year toxic relationship intertwined love and addiction. She explores the impact of childhood trauma on adult relationships, especially the invisible caretaker role that develops. Discussions delve into disorganized attachment, people-pleasing, and the effects of parental infidelity. Topics also include the concept of 'micro-cheating,' emotional leakage, and the vital need for safety and support in partnerships. Valuable insights highlight the importance of self-awareness and changing harmful patterns for healthier connections.

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ANECDOTE

Exit After Phone Privacy Violation

Annie described a two-year relationship where she ended up footing bills and leaving after privacy invasion.
She packed her stuff and walked home when he read her texts and she felt exhausted.

INSIGHT

Freeze, Perform, Survive

Quiet disorganized attachment often shows as freeze, perfectionism, and extreme accommodating as a survival skill.
Those skills protect you with 'tigers' but leave you unskilled with safe, kind people.

INSIGHT

Complying Attracts The Wrong People

Quiet disorganized people often treat others like sociopaths by over-compliance to avoid emotional danger.
That makes healthy people back away and attracts damaged, exploitative partners.

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What happens when attachment makes love something you have to earn? Adam and Annie uncover how childhood trauma and disorganized attachment make people perform for love instead of feeling safe being real.

TOPICS COVERED:

👉 The hidden pain of growing up unseen and emotionally neglected
👉 How childhood trauma leads to disorganized attachment
👉 The difference between loud and quiet disorganized attachment
👉 Why many people equate love with performance and compliance
👉 The psychological cost of people-pleasing and self-abandonment
👉 Why traditional therapy sometimes misses attachment wounds
👉 How coaching and brain rewiring can help restore authentic love

If you enjoyed watching this episode, you might love 'Dr. Orion Taraban: Why Modern Men Are Failing at Intimacy'. Watch here: https://youtu.be/rYdzdGReDqg

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