How to Connect with Your Upset Child, Even When There's More Than One
Aug 29, 2023
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The podcast discusses the challenges of connecting with multiple children when they both need attention. It offers insights on understanding and supporting children's upset behaviors and emphasizes the importance of attending to each child's individual needs. The chapter also explores the challenges parents face when connecting with upset children and reframing the idea of making it work.
19:10
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Quick takeaways
True connection with upset children involves holding space and supporting their feelings, not just giving them what they want in the moment.
Connecting with multiple children requires prioritizing and being present with each child individually, teaching them their worth and building trust.
Deep dives
Connecting with Children's Upset Feelings
When children are upset and behaving erratically, connecting with them does not mean giving them what they seem to want in the moment. Instead, true connection involves holding space and supporting their feelings to be expressed. It is about seeing and accepting their emotions, while continuing to do what needs to be done as the adult. Connection is primarily emotional support and acceptance, not trying to offer solutions or make the feeling stop.
Navigating Connection with Multiple Children
Connecting with multiple children at once can be challenging, especially when they both demand attention. It is important for parents to prioritize and be present with each child individually. Giving the impression that one child's needs are prioritized teaches them their worth and helps build trust. It is not about pleasing everyone in the moment, but about acknowledging and accepting their feelings while maintaining boundaries and preventing undesirable behaviors.
Embracing Emotional Messiness and Venting
Having young children can be emotionally messy, as they go through various stages and emotions. Parents should embrace and accept this messiness, understanding that trying to distract or redirect children's feelings hinders genuine connection. It is crucial to perceive and acknowledge their emotions, creating a space for them to express themselves, even in groups or classrooms. Connecting with children's feelings and well-being requires empathy and support, rather than trying to fix or make everything better.
Janet responds to a parent with a toddler and four-year-old who struggles to connect with her kids individually, and neither reacts well when the other is getting mom’s attention. For instance, she says when she tries to give her older son some lap time, “my 18-month-old clearly gets jealous and starts squealing, attempting to climb on me, hitting his brother.” She’s wondering if it’s possible to really connect with either child when both are upset.