A palliative care doctor reflects on the death of her 16-month-old son and how it has changed her approach to discussing death with patients. She shares her experiences supporting patients with untreatable illnesses and navigating deep grief. The podcast also explores finding comfort in nature and the impact of grief on the speaker's marriage.
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Quick takeaways
Dr. Bonnie Chen emphasizes the importance of being tentative and meeting patients where they are in their readiness to discuss end-of-life matters.
Dr. Bonnie Chen finds comfort in connecting with and empathizing with her patients, as well as with her colleagues who support her in processing and discussing her grief.
Deep dives
The Impact of Grief on Palliative Care Specialist's Approach
Dr. Bonnie Chen, a palliative care specialist, reflects on how the sudden death of her own child has changed the way she communicates with patients about death and serious illness. She emphasizes the importance of being tentative and meeting patients where they are in their readiness to discuss end-of-life matters. Dr. Chen draws on personal experiences and finds satisfaction in walking alongside patients during difficult times, acknowledging that denial can sometimes serve as a necessary coping mechanism.
Dr. Bonnie Chen's Personal Connection to Palliative Care
Having lost her mother to terminal cancer at a young age, Dr. Bonnie Chen shares how her work as a palliative care doctor fills a void in her own healing process. She discusses her journey to understand grief and the pursuit of knowledge about loss, reading books and listening to podcasts to find relatable experiences. She expresses the balance between being close to death and experiencing personal grief, finding solace in working with colleagues who are skilled in handling grief and loss.
Navigating Through Grief and Returning to Work
After taking a nine-month break following the sudden death of her son, Dr. Bonnie Chen slowly resumes her work, initially starting with a couple of half-days a week. She reflects on the challenges of being immersed in conversations about death and grief, fearing it might bring up her own emotions in an inappropriate setting. However, Dr. Chen finds comfort in connecting with and empathizing with her patients, as well as with her colleagues who support her in processing and discussing her grief.
Dr. Bonnie Chen is no stranger to grief. The majority of her patients are facing a terminal illness and, as a palliative care doctor, her job is to help ease their symptoms. “It's a different kind of satisfaction than being able to fix someone or cure someone,” Bonnie told Anna, and she found pride in being able to offer comfort and have hard conversations about pain and about death, “I just always cherished that moment.”
And then, in the summer of 2022 her 16-month old son, Benji, died suddenly, and Bonnie found herself thrust on the other side of the medical system, and bowled over by her own deep grief. In this episode, Bonnie talks about how Benji’s death has changed the way she thinks about her job and how she talks to patients.