Pulling The Thread with Elise Loehnen

The Critical Need for Deep Connection (Niobe Way, PhD): GROWING UP

Jul 8, 2024

Dr. Niobe Way discusses the crucial need for deep connections in childhood development, challenging traditional gender roles and emphasizing the impact of nurturing relationships. The podcast explores boy culture, gender stereotypes, the importance of good sleep, and conversations on class identity and societal biases. It also touches on the complexities of urban views transplanted onto rural cultures, men's relationship with vulnerable emotions, and the significance of balance and equity in relationships.

01:00:16

Episode guests

Niobe Way

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Quick takeaways

Connection is crucial for independence, relational skills build confidence.

Children need a balance of autonomy and connection for personal growth.

Gender differences impact emotional expression, challenging societal constructs for relational dynamics.

Deep dives

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Challenge Assumptions: Gender is Shaped by Culture, Not Biology

01:02

Balance in Relationships: The Key to Connection

01:27

Independence Flourishes in Connection

01:22

Intro

3min

The Importance of Deep Connection and Gender Identity in Development

22min

Exploring Boy Culture and Gender Stereotypes

4min

Exploring 'Boy Culture' and Gender Norms

9min

The Critical Need for Good Sleep and a Conversation on Class and Identity

5min

Challenges of Transplanting Urban Views onto Rural Cultures

10min

Exploring Men's Relationship with Vulnerable Feelings

3min

Exploring Balance and Equity in Relationships

2min

Exploring Boys' Emotional Needs and Challenges in Boy Culture

4min

Dr. Niobe Way is an internationally-recognized Professor of Developmental Psychology, the founder of the Project for the Advancement of Our Common Humanity (PACH) at NYU, and the Director of the Science of Human Connection Lab. She is also a Principal Investigator of the Listening Project, funded by the Spencer Foundation, the Chan-Zuckerberg Initiative and the Rockefeller Foundation. When she was a student, Niobe studied with Carol Gilligan—if you read my newsletter or listen to this podcast, you know Carol is a hero of mine and will be wrapping up this series as a guest. Niobe has done for boys what Carol has done for girls—and their research intersects and Venn diagrams in fascinating ways. While Carol’s research shows that girls come to not know what they know, Niobe traces how boys disconnect from their caring and often enter a period of irrevocably devastating and dangerous loneliness. Niobe is the author of Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection as well as the just-released, Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, and Our Culture, which offers fascinating insight into our culture at large. Along with historical context, Niobe offers beautiful case studies from her research—following and interviewing boys as they grow up—along with notes from boys who have gone on to wreak havoc on the culture, in homicidal and suicidal ways. These notes speak to disconnection, extreme loneliness, and feeling like nobody cares. As I talk about my book in living rooms around the country, I often cite Niobe and Carol Gilligan, specifically the insight that at a certain point—around 8 for boys, and 11 for girls—the word “don’t” enters children’s vocabulary. For girls, it’s “I don’t know.” For boys, it’s “I don’t care.” And of course, girls knows. And of course, boys care. We need to repair our culture so it’s safe for them to stay connected. As you can tell, I’m very excited for this conversation.

MORE FROM NIOBE WAY, PhD:

Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, and Our Culture

Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection

The Crisis of Connection: Roots, Consequences, and Solutions

Niobe Way’s Website

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