ERP 026: How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship

HOW TO OVERCOME HURT IN A RELATIONSHIP

These are my Empowered Relationship podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

Over the last few weeks, I have been addressing a listener's question. She essentially asked, "What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict? Also, how do you deal with past hurts, in this regard."

To answer her question, I first addressed The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. In my next podcast, I talked about Being The Best You Can Be In Relationship. Today, I am discussing How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship.

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness can seem like a vague, fluffy, and confusing term.

WHAT DOES FORGIVENESS REALLY MEAN?

Forgiveness is like cleaning the windshield to your heart. Often, we are walking around with resentments, grudges, and bitterness, which gets in the way of our ability to be open, present, and happy in a relationship.

Arlene F. Harder writes, "To forgive another person does not mean you will forget what happened or that the person is not responsible for what he did or that you need to bring him back into your life. To forgive another doesn't even need to mean the other person knows you've forgiven him or her. To forgive another simply means you no longer allow another person's actions or words to cause you resentment, anger and pain. To forgive means you acknowledge that while you would have preferred the other person to act or speak differently, you accept that person just as he is. To not forgive another means you continue to hold onto your resentment, anger and pain over another's actions by essentially demanding the other person be someone other than who that person knew (or knows) how to be."

TIME TO GRIEVE:

When something upsetting happens, it is natural, healthy, and important to give yourself adequate time to feel your emotions. Usually, people take a few hours to a few days for smaller issues and up to several months for bigger grievances.

At some point, you may notice your emotional process switch from feeling genuinely sad and upset to feeling resentment and bitterness. While anger can be an important part of the grieving process, there is a difference between being genuinely angry and holding a grudge.

If you notice that you are harboring ill feelings towards someone, you may be letting the issue impact your life negatively. Resentments, bitterness, and grudges can overshadow your life- tainting your ability to be happy, positive, and healthy.

1. WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING ON TO?

• What is getting in the way of your ability to love fully or openly?
• What is getting in the way of your ability to feel positive and happy in your relationship?
• What interactions or experiences do you still have issue with?
• Write a list of resentments and hurts.
• Do you notice any themes?

2. WHAT RESENTMENTS, EXPECTATIONS, ATTACHMENTS, OR BELIEFS DO YOU HAVE ABOUT THE ISSUE?

• What are your take aways (i.e. beliefs)?
• Examples:
  • "You shouldn't express your anger like that?"
  • "You are too sensitive. I can bring up anything with you."
  • "You are looking out for yourself. I don't trust you."
  • "You care more about your way and being right. You don't really care about me."

3. WHAT DO YOU NEED IN ORDER TO MOVE FORWARD? TO BE STRONGER?

• Forgiveness exercise, by Arlene F. Harder.
• Acceptance.
• Boundaries.
• New agreements.
• New understanding.

4. BE OPEN TO A NEW PERSPECTIVE.

• By practicing forgiveness or acceptance, you may see the person in a different light.
• By practicing forgiveness or acceptance, you may see the situation in differently.
• New awareness.

5. COME TO TERMS.

• Release attachment.
• Forgive for Good.
• The Sunflower: On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness (Newly Expanded Paperback Edition).
• Accept.
• Let go of what no longer serves (surrender).
• Assume new learning and perspective

If you are too focused on the past, you cannot live fully in the present. Forgiveness is a practice. You do not need to let upsetting incidents stay with you forever. You can develop more skill in dealing with hurts and resentments moving forward.

I would love to hear your thoughts. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below.

Mentioned:

Utilize the power of a "Do Over,"

Next week's topic is How To Clear Issues With Your Partner.

If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to overcome hurt in a relationship.

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Thank you!