How to have great conversations, with Charles Duhigg and Michael Yeomans, PhD
Nov 15, 2023
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Charles Duhigg and Michael Yeomans discuss how to improve communication by understanding goals, building rapport, and having productive disagreements. They explore different types of conversations and the importance of aligning goals, as well as strategies for building trust and connection. They also share transformative lessons in communication, including asking follow-up questions and reciprocating vulnerability.
Effective communication involves understanding the different types of conversations and adapting communication styles accordingly.
Clarifying goals in a conversation leads to more productive and rewarding outcomes by aligning goals and seeking points of agreement.
Reciprocal vulnerability, through sharing thoughts and emotions, fosters trust and understanding in conversations.
Deep dives
Building Rapport and Connection in Conversations
Building rapport and connection in conversations is crucial. Super communicators have learned the skills to connect with others. They listen actively and show genuine interest in what others are saying. They ask follow-up questions that demonstrate their listening and delve deeper into the conversation. These skilled communicators understand the different types of conversations—practical, emotional, and social—and adapt their communication style accordingly. By understanding their own goals and the goals of their conversation partner, they create a mutually beneficial and engaging conversation. Mimicry and non-linguistic cues also play a role in building rapport and understanding.
Understanding Conversational Goals
Conversations are driven by goals, whether we are aware of them or not. There are practical, emotional, and social conversations, each with its own purpose. It is important to be clear about our own goals in a conversation and to understand the goals of our conversation partner. By clarifying these goals, we can navigate the conversation more effectively and achieve meaningful outcomes. Effective conversation involves aligning goals, being receptive, and seeking points of agreement. By showing intellectual humility, considering subjective language, and seeking understanding through looping techniques, conversations can be more productive and rewarding.
The Power of Reciprocal Vulnerability
Reciprocal vulnerability is a powerful tool in communication. When both parties in a conversation open up and share their thoughts, emotions, and beliefs, trust and understanding are fostered. This can be achieved through techniques like the Fast Friends Protocol, where individuals exchange personal information, enabling them to connect deeply in a short time. By creating structures and safe spaces for conversation, such as using deep questions and looping for understanding, individuals can build rapport and establish a sense of closeness. Mimicry and non-linguistic communication also contribute to a shared reality and understanding between conversation partners.
Navigating Difficult Conversations
Difficult conversations, especially those involving disagreement, require special attention. Focusing on trust-building and understanding rather than persuasion can lead to more effective and fruitful conversations. Seeking common ground, expressing intellectual humility, and using receptive language helps create an environment of respect. Avoiding attempts to control the conversation and allowing it to flow naturally can also improve the outcome of challenging discussions. Employing techniques like conversational receptiveness, which involve active listening and respectful engagement, can facilitate trust and constructive dialogue even in the face of disagreement.
Applying Communication Skills in Everyday Life
The insights from research on communication skills can be applied in various contexts of everyday life. Adopting habits like asking follow-up questions, being receptive, and showing genuine interest in others can enhance communication abilities. Recognizing non-verbal cues and using mimicry to align with conversation partners can also strengthen connections. By understanding conversational goals, employing structure, and practicing reciprocity and vulnerability, individuals can become more effective communicators, fostering understanding, respect, and rapport in their interactions.
Conversational chemistry might seem intangible, but psychologists are beginning figure out what makes some conversations work while others fall apart. Charles Duhigg, author of the upcoming book “Supercommunicators,” and conversation researcher Michael Yeomans, PhD, talk about how anyone can learn to communicate better, the best way to build rapport with someone you just met, why it’s important to think about your goals in a conversation, how to have a productive conversation about a disagreement and how technology changes conversation.
