How To Be a Terrible Daughter 026: Good Parent Messages Because Apparently That's a Thing?
In this episode, we introduce the idea of Good Parent Messages, the kinds of emotionally regulating, grounding messages children are meant to receive as they grow. Not grand praise or vague affection, but specific, steady signals of safety, welcome, and attunement. We talk about how children of narcissistic parents often grow up without these emotional nutrients, and how the absence doesn't just hurt in the moment. It quietly reshapes what love feels like in the body. When the nervous system never learns what healthy care actually feels like, even genuine love later on can register as confusing, suspicious, or overwhelming.
We also explore what happens developmentally when a child starts to separate, usually around elementary school, and suddenly becomes a "threat" instead of an extension. That's often when warmth gets pulled, approval becomes conditional, and love turns performative or transactional. From there, we unpack fragmentation, that disorienting experience of feeling scattered, frozen, or not fully present in everyday situations because old emotional wounds are being activated. Elizabeth shares a deeply personal moment of insight around receiving love without obligation, and we connect that realization to why so many terrible children struggle to let care land even when it's safe.
As usual, we balance the heavy with stories that are equal parts horrifying and darkly funny, including a baby shower that turned into a one-woman show for narcissistic validation, and a genuinely dangerous health situation caused by parents refusing to accommodate sensory needs. We close with the tools we're practicing right now, including a deceptively simple somatic one that turns out to be anything but easy, slowing the physical pace of your life so your system can actually register safety. If you've ever wondered why healing feels nonlinear, why certain words don't land, or why love can feel like pressure instead of comfort, this episode is for you.
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What We Cover In This Episode:
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Introducing the concept of Good Parent Messages, a somatic therapy tool designed to provide the emotional "nutrients" that children of narcissists often miss [4:31]
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The profound difference between being told you are "special" and the message "You are special to me" [6:42]
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How emotional "scar tissue" forms when a child doesn't receive specific messages of love, often making it difficult to accept that same love as an adult [14:40]
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The way that narcissistic parents often withdraw healthy messages the moment a child becomes a "threat" or develops an independent identity in elementary school [22:13]
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A look at the important (and very relevant) concept of fragmentation, or the experience of feeling broken or "not present" because past pain is being triggered by current, everyday situations [27:33]
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Elizabeth's vulnerable "aha moment" regarding the message "I welcome and cherish your love" [32:24]
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"A Crazy Mom Off" story about a baby shower that became a literal performance for a narcissist's own validation, and a scary health situation caused by Megan's parents' refusal to accommodate her sensory sensitivities [44:17]
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The powerful tools we used this week including a somatic one for recovery: slowing down the physical pace of your life [65:10]
Links & Resources:
Integrative Body Psychotherapy
The Secret to Loving Yourself book
My Love is for Always book for kids
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