250. Why Do We Have Sex? Asexuality with Angela Chen
Oct 17, 2023
01:03:30
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Angela Chen, author and journalist, discusses asexuality and how it helps us understand ourselves. Topics include misconceptions about sexuality, the relationship between one's sexuality and themselves, and the shame underlying compulsory sexuality. Chen encourages listeners to consider what asexuality label could free them from.
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Quick takeaways
Misconceptions about sexuality hinder our understanding of our own desires.
Sexual attraction is just one factor among many that motivate people to have sex.
Challenging societal expectations and embracing diverse experiences of sexuality is crucial for personal growth.
Deep dives
The Art of the Follow-Up is Listening
One of the main points discussed in the podcast is the importance of active listening in effective communication. It is emphasized that instead of constantly thinking about what to say next, simply listening can be a powerful tool in conversations and interviews. This technique was shared by Robin Roberts during her Masterclass on authentic communication and is highlighted as a valuable tip for engaging with others.
Discovery of Asexuality
The podcast delves into the personal journey of Angela Chen, a journalist and author, in discovering and understanding asexuality. Angela shares her experience of growing up with crushes and never considering herself asexual due to misconceptions about what it means to be ace. It was through her first serious relationship and conversations with friends that Angela began to question her experience of sexual attraction and eventually realized that she falls somewhere on the asexual spectrum. This discussion highlights the complexity and individual nature of sexuality.
Exploring Reasons for Engaging in Sex
Another important topic covered in the podcast is the exploration of the various reasons why people engage in sexual activity, beyond just sexual attraction. Angela Chen discusses how motivations for sex can range from boredom and loneliness to the desire for emotional intimacy or validation. The podcast challenges the societal norm that sex is solely driven by sexual attraction and highlights the need for a more open and understanding perspective towards diverse experiences of human sexuality.
Challenging Societal Expectations of Sexuality
The podcast episode explores the societal pressures and expectations surrounding sexuality and relationships. It emphasizes the importance of challenging these norms and the idea that a person's worth should not be determined solely by their sexual desires or experiences. The episode discusses how asexuality challenges the notion that sexual attraction is necessary for intimacy and highlights the need to create space for diverse experiences and desires. It also explores the impact of compulsory sexuality and the idea that everyone should be constantly thinking about and engaging in sex. The episode encourages individuals to question societal expectations, embrace their own desires and boundaries, and focus on open communication and understanding in relationships.
Fluidity of Labels and Desires
The episode delves into the fluidity of labels and desires when it comes to sexuality. It questions the idea of rigidly defining one's sexual orientation and highlights the importance of self-exploration and understanding. The podcast emphasizes the need to look beyond labels and ask deeper questions about what one truly wants and needs in relationships. It discusses the experiences of individuals who may identify as asexual, but also experience responsive desire or fluctuations in their desires over time. The episode encourages listeners to prioritize communication, connection, and intimacy in relationships, focusing on individual needs and desires rather than conforming to societal expectations.
Today, Angela Chen teaches us how understanding asexuality helps us understand ourselves and the true meaning of sex. Angela describes:
The misconception that blocks us from fully understanding our own sexuality;
Why your sexuality is a relationship between YOU and YOU;
How there are MANY reasons people have sex. (Glennon says sexual attraction only accounts for 5% of her sexual experiences.); and
The shame underlying compulsory sexuality – and how to stop apologizing for not wanting sex.
And a question for anyone seeing themselves in asexuality: What would this label free you from?
About Angela:
Angela Chen is a journalist and editor. She is the author of Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, which was named one of the best books of 2020 by NPR, Electric Literature, and Them. Her reporting and essays have also appeared in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Atlantic, The Guardian, National Geographic, Paris Review, and more.
