The Four Agreements – It’s Not About You

On the last episode, I focused on the the first agreement from the book: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I spoke about “Be impeccable with your word" and reflected on the Power of Words. I even shared some insights from recent psychological research that can help us take this concept to next level, and avoid “The Inverse Power of Praise” Today, I want to focus on the Second Agreement - Don't take anything personally. Ruiz summarizes this agreement as: 1. Nothing others do is because of you 2. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality 3. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering Let’s think about these three points, one at a time: 1. Nothing others do is because of you Think about a common situation that can happen today with the use of Social Media. You post something really meaningful for you in Facebook. Then, you see a negative comment to that post. Do you take this comment personally? Do you think that person that you never met in your life, is doing that to hurt you, or because of you. 2. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality Let’s go back to the Facebook example. That person's interpretation of your post, triggered an emotional reaction that led to writing a negative comment. So, other people's reactions are a projection of their own issues, and nothing to do with you. 3. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering When we don't take things personally, that can be liberating, and prevent us from feeding our own insecurities. So, “Don’t take anything personally" it’s a powerful maximum to live with. Yet, I have the tendency to react to absolute words such as “anything”. It’s easy for me to live by “Don’t take this personally”, yet “Don’t take ANYTHING personally” is going too far. I’m quite good in applying this principle to critiques and other people's negative opinions. I’m good at developing a thick skin, yet the price I pay, is I become numb and this prevents me to enjoying and savoring the praise and positive feelings. So, I decided to apply a twist to this principle inspired by Social Psychology's Attribution Theory. Attribution Theory tries to explain how individuals interpret their success and failures via 3 dimensions: 1- Locus of causality: internal to external The cause of success or failure can be internal – due to factors that we believe have their origin within the person – or external – due to factors that we believe originate in the environment. 2- Stability: Stable to Unstable The cause of the success or failure falls within a stable (constant) to unstable (fluctuating) continuum. We believe a cause is stable – when the outcome is likely to be the same on another occasion. We believe a cause is unstable – when the outcome is likely to be different on another occasion. 3- Controllability: Controllable or Uncontrollable The cause of the success or failure falls within a controllable to uncontrollable continuum. We believe a cause is controllable – when we perceive it as under our volitional or optional control. We believe a cause is uncontrollable – when the circumstances cannot be willed to change. Let’s go back to the Facebook scenario above as an example of a Negative Situation. Negative Situation We post something really meaningful for us in Facebook. Then, we see a negative comment to that post. We take this very personally We see the situation as a big crisis. "How can that person dare to write that? How can that person be so insensitive? I shouldn't have posted that.” "I should know better by now. What was I thinking?" “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have posted that in Facebook.” We interpret the crisis as our responsibility and as something that will happen again (internal locus of causality and stable).