Playing With Fire 221 The Art of Reassurance: Relating Through Doubt and Fear
When we're feeling insecure in our relationships (especially during transitions like opening up, navigating new relationship dynamics, or major life changes), we often seek reassurance from our partners. But what does effective reassurance actually look like? How can we offer it authentically without trying to "fix" our partners' feelings? And how do we navigate the complex interplay between reassurance, reciprocity, and fairness?
Reassurance in relationships isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. It's an ongoing practice that requires attunement, flexibility, and a deep understanding of your partner's unique needs.
In this episode, we talk about:
— What reassurance really means: actions, words, and engagement that serve to ease someone's doubts and fears (without guaranteeing those fears will disappear)
— Why reassurance needs change based on context, trauma history, and how "full" your threat bucket already is
— The essential ingredients for effective reassurance
— Why the desire to make everything "fair" in relationships often comes from our wounded parts seeking safety and control
— How to ask for specific reassurance: "Can you wrap your arms around me right here and tell me these exact words?"
— The challenge of offering reassurance when it conflicts with your values or agreements (like canceling dates with others)
— Why some people resist offering ongoing reassurance and what that might mean for the relationship
— The possibility of reimagining relationship structures when reassurance needs aren't being met
— How our "child parts" often drive our reassurance needs, and why acknowledging this can help us make more aligned requests
— The difference between true reciprocity and transactional "fairness"
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— The Imago Dialogue episode
— Robin Wall Kimmerer's book Braiding Sweetgrass
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Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions