This episode is about shifting our protective patterns and taking risks. Today’s caller, Christine, lost her husband five years into their marriage. She wants to date again but is blocked by the fear of losing love again. We take a deep dive into the foundation of her fear and how she can choose to love again.
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode339]
Love is risky. Loving is easily the riskiest thing we do, whether it is loving our partners, animals, friends, or children. Love is risky because if we lose it is devastating. Our hearts want to close because the risk is difficult but when we close our hearts we miss out on the opportunity to love more. There is no quota on how much we can love in our lifetime. Or, how many loves we can have. Love is infinite. To deprive ourselves of ever-expanding love is riskier than losing again.
Shame grows on the things we keep in the dark but when we speak and bring things into the light it allows us to be held with love and compassion. That is how we soften judgment and allow intimacy in again.
Diving deep is valuable. Anyone who says they are too damaged but is actively working on themselves isn’t damaged. We are only “damaged” if we go into victim and never do anything to pull ourselves out. The only way to get protective parts to shift is to let them know that you are going to work with them to protect yourself in a different way.
Consider/Ask Yourself:
- Have you had a loss in your life and you are hesitant to give something another try because you are afraid of another loss?
- Do you judge yourself for having baggage, especially if you are single, and feel no one will want you?
- Are you scared of losing a person, a dream, or does the fear of loss prevent you from going after your dreams?
- Is there a judgment you hold against yourself that is blocking you that you haven’t forgiven yourself for?
Christine’s Question:
Christine would like to start dating and would like guidance on how to move past the resistance she feels towards it.
Christine’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- Her husband died seven years ago. He was her only significant romantic relationship.
- She is ready to start dating again but finds excuses why not to.
- She feels stuck.
- She doesn’t think someone will want her because of her baggage.
- She is still grieving her husband.
- She judges herself for things out of her control.
- She has been through a lot at a young age.
- Her desire to protect herself from loss is stronger than her desire to let someone new in.
- She feels paralyzed by grief and fear.
- She is actively working on opening up and loving again.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- Get clear about her willingness to take a risk on love.
- Forgive herself for her self-judgments.
- Honor her past relationship in a way that doesn’t include blame or shame.
- Acknowledge her fear, thank it for protecting her, and tell it she will be protecting herself in a different way.
- Create a bigger fear.
Resources:
Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community
Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner
Christine on Facebook
Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
@ChristinHassler on Twitter
@ChristineHassler on Instagram
@SacredUnionCouples on Instagram
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Life Coaching with Christine Hassler