81 Grieving is the Price We Pay for Loving

1. If we love deeply, we're going to grieve deeply.  It's inevitable.  And it's that simple.  So together, let's understand and experience grief better in order to love better.  In this episode, I review the popular models of grief with their strengths and limitations, illustrating them through poetry, quotes, and evaluating them with the best of the psychological research. 
2. Lead-in:  We are going to start out with a simple truth.  We Catholics get close to people.  We get close to people
    
   1. We form deep, intimate bonds with our Parents, siblings, spouses, children, our friends -- all those we love.  
      1. Last weekend, I was at my grandson's baptism.  Tiny little guy, names William Peter.
      2. I'm not super sentimental, not one to just burst into intense emotion at the drop of a hat, but holding him and talking with him.  I could feel the bond developing.  He's really growing on me.  My first grandson.  William Peter.  I told myself I wasn't going to be one of those fawning grandfathers that shows the pictures around to everyone and prattles on about grandchildren, but here I am, bringing it up in a podcast episode.   I love that little guy.  I really do, I've been surprised at how quickly that all developed.  
      3. We form deep intimate bond with people.  
      4. And that's a great privilege, an honor, a sacred thing.  
         1. October 29, 2017 before the Angelus Prayer, Pope Francis
             
            1. Indeed, we were created to love and to be loved. God, who is Love, created us to make us participants in his life, to be loved by him and to love him, and with him, to love all other people. This is God’s “dream” for mankind.
         2.  
3. 
   
   1. But in this life there's a difficult side to that.  The realities that entered the world with original sin. 
   2. Inevitably, we lose at least some of these bonds, these connections -- in our fallen world, they are not permanent, they are temporary
       
      1. Parents die
   3.  
      1. Some experience a romantic breakup -- or a divorce
   4.  
      1. Estrangements, ties being cut
   5.  
   6. And we experience the loss of someone
   7. Jandy Nelson succinctly sums up the mystery when she writes “Grief and love are conjoined—you don’t get one without the other.” 
   8. My Constant Companion By Kelly Roper

Grief is my companion,

It takes me by the hand,

And walks along beside me

in a dark and barren land.

How long will this lonesome journey last,

How much more can my weary heart bear?

Since your death, I’ve been lost in the fog,

Too burdened with sorrow and care.

People tell me my sadness will fade,

And my tears will reach their end.

Grief and I must complete our journey,

And then maybe I’ll find happiness again.

1. Talking to Grief by Denise Levertov

Ah, Grief, I should not treat you

like a homeless dog

who comes to the back door

for a crust, for a meatless bone.

I should trust you.

I should coax you

into the house and give you

your own corner,

a worn mat to lie on,

your own water dish.

You think I don't know you've been living

under my porch.

You long for your real place to be readied

before winter comes. You need

your name,

your collar and tag. You need

the right to warn off intruders,

to consider

my house your own

and me your person

and yourself

1. “So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” ― E.A. Bucchianeri
2. And we pay on a sliding fee scale as Orson Scott Card tells us
    
   1. “Life is full of grief, to exactly the degree we allow ourselves to love other people.” 
3. 
   
4. Grief -- after five episodes on suicide, it seemed like the next topic.  Stay with me as we investigate grief…
5. Intro:
    
   1. Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, I am so glad you are hear with me for these moments together, thank you for spending the time.  As you know, I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, where we don't hesitate to take on the tough topics that matter to you.  We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.   Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com
6.  
   1. Today's episode, number 81 is entitled "Grieving is the Price We Pay for Loving" and it's released on August 16, 2021
7.  
   1. We are broaching the big topic of grief.  We touched on it briefly way back in episode 15, but now we're getting into much more detail.  
8. 
   
   1. There is so much misinformation out there about grief.  So many myths, so many misconceptions to clear up.  Why is that?  We're going to answer that question with the professional research, the best of psychological theory, with Scripture, with poetry, with examples and with quotes to help you understand the experience of grief -- your grief and the grief of others.  
9. 
   
   1. Why should we learn about grief?  Earl Grollman sums it up like this:
       
      1. Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.
   2.  
      1. If we love, we will grieve.  Part of loving well is grieving well.  
      2. If we flee from grief, we will also flee from love.    You can't love without eventually grieving.  
      3. Our Lord modeled this for us:
          
         1. Isaiah 53:3 He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
      4.  
         1. John 11: 32-36 Then Mary, when she came where Jesus was and saw him, fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled; 34 and he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus wept. 36 So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” ]
      5.  
      6. Our Lady Modeled this for us.  Mary at Calvary looking up at her beloved Son, innocent, yet accused, mocked, reviled, slapped, spit upon, beaten, whipped. crowned with thorns, forced on death march, and then nailed to a cross, bleeding and dying.  His disciples save John had abandoned him, the people had turned against him. Flesh of her flesh, bone of her bone, but yet also Almighty God, the second person of the Trinity, Love Incarnate going through his grief.  
         1. What was her experience?  
         2. I can hear her asking, in the words of the Good Friday Reproaches, My people, what has he done to you?  How has he offended you? Answer me!
         3. Alice Von Hildebrand:  We gain a dolorous awareness that being as weak as we are, we cannot...