Psychotherapist Carol Sheets discusses how to help partners heal from the impact of porn and sex addiction by creating safety, practicing empathy, offering validation, and taking ownership without shame. They emphasize the importance of empathy, practicing relational skills, and helping the partner feel safe again. The podcast also explores the power of empathy, the role of practice, taking ownership of harm caused, and the concept of post-traumatic growth.
Partners who have suffered from their spouse's actions need safety and stability, which can be achieved through genuine remorse, making them feel secure, and going the extra mile to help them heal.
Empathy plays a crucial role in helping partners heal, and men can develop empathy skills by practicing AVR (acknowledging, validating, and reassuring), understanding and addressing their partner's emotional needs, and creating a safe space for healing without letting shame overwhelm them.
Deep dives
Building Safety and Stability for Partners
Partners who have suffered the consequences of their spouse's actions need safety and stabilization. The key is for their spouse to show genuine remorse, actively work to make them feel secure, and go the extra mile to help them heal. Many men lack the relational skills needed to provide this support, but practicing empathy and practicing relational skills, even when faced with criticism or anger, can help establish trust and connection.
The Power of Empathy in Healing
Empathy plays a crucial role in helping partners heal. One important empathy skill is AVR, where the spouse acknowledges the challenges and struggles they caused, validates the pain and primary feelings of the partner, and reassures them of their intentions and forward movement. Men may struggle with expressing empathy, but with practice and support from others, they can become more effective at understanding and addressing their partner's emotional needs. By consistently acknowledging their role in the pain, men can reduce reactivity, build trust, and create a safe space for healing.
Overcoming Shame and Taking Ownership
Shame is a significant barrier for men in repairing the relationship. It is crucial for men to learn how to hold their partner's pain without internalizing it as their own. Creating a mental force field can help men acknowledge their partner's pain without letting it overwhelm them with shame. Additionally, it is essential for men to recognize that healing takes time and that setbacks are normal. By practicing self-compassion and developing a positive narrative, men can overcome defensiveness, take ownership of their actions, and work towards rebuilding trust and connection.
How can I help my partner heal from the impact of my porn and sex addiction? Psychotherapist and author Carol Sheets reveals what sexually betrayed partners need most, and how you can "help her heal" when you create safety, practice empathy, offer validation, and take ownership without going into shame. This episode is super practical and full of great ideas!
Carol Juergensen Sheets (LCSW, CSAT) also known as "Carol The Coach" is the author of many books and workbooks about sex addiction and partner betrayal. She is also the creator of ERCEM: Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model.
Carol is also a guest speaker at The Porn Free Man Online Conference on January 5-6, 2024! Join us at thepornfreeman.com
Books and workbooks featuring Carol Sheets (these are paid links):