PsycHacks

Episode 546: Getting vs. keeping (emotional labor in dating)

10 snips
Aug 22, 2025
Delve into the dynamics of emotional labor in dating, where men and women play distinct yet crucial roles. The discussion reveals how the effort to secure a relationship often differs from the effort needed to maintain it. Learn why proactive engagement is essential and how raising your standards can lead to more fulfilling connections. Unpacking the costs of getting vs. keeping reveals important truths that everyone navigating dating should consider.
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INSIGHT

Gatekeepers And Sequence Matter

  • Sexual and commitment dynamics are asymmetric: women gatekeep sex, men gatekeep commitment.
  • In today's market sex usually precedes commitment, changing who must make initial effort.
ANECDOTE

The Cost Men Pay To Get In

  • Men often assume disproportionate risk and costs by approaching, planning, and paying for dates to seduce women.
  • Top-tier men invest years becoming attractive so they no longer need to court conventionally.
INSIGHT

Power Shifts After Sex

  • After sex the balance of power shifts: men can become gatekeepers of commitment and women must now make more effort.
  • The onus of effort reasonably shifts to the woman if she wants commitment after sex.
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