The single most important parenting strategy | TED Talks Daily
Oct 19, 2023
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Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy discusses the importance of repair in parenting and provides practical advice for managing guilt and shame. She explores the power of repairing emotional distress in children and the positive impact it has on their development. Dr. Kennedy emphasizes the importance of repairing conflicts and reconnecting with children, as well as the potential for positive change and growth through repair.
Repairing is crucial in parenting and all relationships, involving acknowledging disconnect and taking responsibility for behavior.
Not repairing fails to foster reconnection, perpetuating harmful narrative loops and negatively impacting emotional regulation skills.
Deep dives
The Power of Repairing in Parenting and Relationships
Repairing is crucial in parenting and all relationships. It involves acknowledging moments of disconnect, taking responsibility for one's behavior, and addressing its impact on others. Repairing goes beyond mere apologies and opens up conversations for growth and connection. Failing to repair can lead to self-blame in children, which affects their self-perception and mental health. Repairing allows for rewriting the narrative, changing memories, and adding elements such as safety, connection, and love. Repairing starts with self-repair, separating behavior from identity, and replacing self-loathing with growth-oriented thinking. It then extends to repairing with the child by naming what happened, taking responsibility, and stating how behavior will change in the future. Repairing has a lifelong impact, shaping adult relationship patterns and facilitating positive behavior change in children.
Not Repairing and Its Consequences
Not repairing, which includes blaming the child or deflecting responsibility, fails to foster reconnection and perpetuates harmful narrative loops. It wrongly implies that the child caused the parent's reaction, leading to negative emotional regulation models. Not repairing can result in self-blame, spiral of blaming others, and difficulties in taking responsibility for one's behavior in adult life. By prioritizing repair, parents can break this cycle and establish healthier relationship patterns. Repairing empowers children to regulate emotions, communicate assertively, and learn from their mistakes. Through repair, parents teach invaluable skills and create an environment that promotes growth and connection.
It is Never Too Late to Repair
The speaker emphasizes that it is never too late to repair, regardless of a child's age or past mistakes made in parenting. Repair carries immense significance and can positively impact individuals at any stage of life. The speaker offers a powerful exercise, in which parents imagine receiving apologies from their own parents, acknowledging past moments of pain and expressing understanding. This exercise often generates emotional responses, highlighting the potential impact of repair. The speaker encourages parents to believe in the transformative power of repair and its ability to rewrite their child's story. The shorter life narrative of a child makes it even more amenable to positive editing through repair, leading to lasting changes and growth.
Everyone loses their temper from time to time — but the stakes are dizzyingly high when the focus of your fury is your own child. Clinical psychologist and renowned parenting whisperer Becky Kennedy is here to help. Not only does she have practical advice to help parents manage the guilt and shame of their not-so-great moments but she also models the types of conversations you can have to be a better parent. (Hint: this works in all other relationships too.) Bottom line? It’s never too late to reconnect.